(Song : Damien Rice - "I Don't Wanna Change You")

 

 

 

“Wherever you are,

You know that I adore you.

No matter how far,

Well, I can go before you.

 

And if ever you need someone,

Well, not that you need helping.

But if ever you want someone,

Know that I am willing.”

 

 

 

“I don’t know what to do now.”

 

 

“It’s up to you, and only you.”

 

 

I look back and forth at Kwon, whom is now lying on his bed, and Xavier.

 

 

 

“Just so you know, you can just choke him to death right now.”

 

 

“He has mouths to feed. He took the money because his wife and kid were threatened.”

 

 

Xavier looks at me in disbelief, “Oh, you are sympathizing with him now?”

 

 

I look around the little hiding place and stop at the makeshift bed again, “He might not be that innocent but he doesn’t deserve to die.”

 

 

He retorts quickly, “So you mean you deserve to die?”

 

 

I turn around, “My death doesn’t give me the right to kill.”

 

 

 

“He remembers you, Wendy. He knows he is responsible.”

 

 

“I am just worrying about his family.”

 

 

“It’s not your thing to worry. He could have done other things than taking the bribe. He chose this path and he deserves the consequence.”

 

 

“How about the one who murdered the mayor’s daughter?”

 

 

“It’s not your job.” Xavier pats my shoulder. “You can’t make all the things right, just yours.”

 

 

“I can’t help them if I am human again.” I pick up the photo lying next to his head, on where there are happy faces of a happy family. Before everything happened. 

 

 

Kwon was a good man. At least he was. I don’t know if people can really make choices in their lives. I don’t know if it’s the case for Irene too. Perhaps we don’t get to choose because we are all fragile things after all. We break, we fall, we die, we disappear, we rot. Irene is broken and I am dead. We turned our backs on each other and there is no one to save us.

 

 

“You are too kind.”

 

 

“Maybe it’s why I got myself killed.”

 

 

 

I exit the room to get some fresh air and Xavier follows.

 

 

“Wendy, you know that no reason to stay is a good reason to go.” 

 

 

I turn and meet his sincere pair of eyes. It’s rare. I thought he has so soul. Or maybe he has a heart. “What do you mean?”

 

 

He shrugs a little under the night sky, “You can just…… go. If you….. ”

 

 

I smile to myself, “We’ve come so far. I can’t give up.”

 

 

“So do you have a reason to stay?”

 

 

“I will find one.”

 

 

 

I walk some more. The mixed feelings make me feel alive again. I know I am not dead all along. I am still, a human. 

 

 

Things are always said easier than done. And there’re always a reason for everything. I know I am dead for a reason and I have to live again for a reason. I would find it eventually.

 

 

“Wendy.” Xavier interrupts my train of thoughts by blocking my way all the sudden. He was tailing from behind all the time. 

 

 

Oh I nearly forgot we are both spirits.

 

 

“Yes?” I try to read his expression since he doesn’t have much really. He looks pale, worried, a little shocked.

 

 

A book appears in his hand, “I think we might have a little situation here.”  And the book looks very alike with the one he held when we first met.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I step into the unusual cold house and it chills me even though I am a ghost already. I don’t know why it looks different too. Almost claustrophobic, suffocating. 

 

 

I shiver. My breathes are taken away.  I know it isn’t real. I could not have these feelings. It doesn’t make any senses. But things have never made sense to me anyways. 

 

 

Xavier stands by the front door and signals me to hurry my way for the search.

 

 

Scurrying through walls, I feel all dizzy again. I want to find her as soon as possible but I don’t want to see her in that state. Oh, Why. Why did she do it.

 

 

 

It takes me maybe 10 seconds to find her lying in the bathtub. The first thing I see is that, she is as white as the bathtub and those tiles on the floor.

 

 

Her smooth silky hair is loosely hanging from the side of her head, which is rested peacefully on the edge of the huge container. I can barely see her face since her whole body is sinked into the tub. She has a petite body as I do. 

 

 

I hesitate to step closer but I have to.

 

 

Her face is peaceful. I doubt if it is a smile there. Her lips loses its luscious color. Her eyes are shut. I can still see those long eyelashes glistening.  

 

 

My eyes slowly drift downwards. It is a contrast to what I just saw, it is a nightmare.

 

 

 

The tub is filled with reddish liquid. It is already mixed with those warm water. I carefully retrieve her hands and there is a clear cut mark on her left wrist.

 

 

It’s ugly. And it’s an accurate cut. I notice the empty pill bottle next to the sink.

 

 

I instantly begin to regret blabbering those seemingly harmless information about those cases at work whenever dead silence pays a visit at our dining table. 

 

 

 

I haven’t never imagined her would really keep them in mind and put them to use one day. 

 

 

She used them to kill herself. And it’s me who taught her how, unintentionally.

 

 

Did I just tell her to kill herself ? Perhaps I did. Since I could not do it myself. It is probably true judging from the relieved soft smile lingered on her face.

 

 

 

I clumsily bring my palms to my cheeks as some liquid dropped into the tub from my own eyes. I don’t mind dropping some more if it could wash away those red. Is this a punishment for me instead?

 

 

I gently scoop her half-drenched motionless body up and head out. And I keep my steps and hold tender, not wanting to wake her up maybe.

 

 

I place her on bed, softly, again. Like a princess from a fairytale. As if she would wake up any moment, with a kiss on the lips.

 

 

I trace my fingers mildly from her brown locks to the cut. I wonder if it is painful. I just know she has all the courage on earth to do it. 

 

 

She doesn’t even leave me a letter or something. She just did it. She just grabbed all the stuff she needed and she laid there and she swallowed those pills and she cut her wrist. She just chose to end her life.

 

 

I can’t figure out what she was thinking at that time. Was she trying to save my life? Was it out of guilt and devastation? Was she tired of life? Either way, it’s because of me. She died for me or I killed her. How funny. It seems we killed each other.

 

 

 

“So is she dead?” I caress her hair and ask Xavier whom has been silently standing behind me as he always does. 

 

 

He looks at us pacing towards the end of the bed, “We made it in time.”

 

 

I signed, “Thank you.”

 

 

“She shouldn’t die. It’s my job anyway.” He returns a stiff smile.

 

 

“We can’t just send her to the hospital.” 

 

 

“I’ll get the job done.” 

 

 

“Thank you, Xavier.”

 

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

 

 

“Wherever you go,

Well, I can always follow.

I can feed this real slow,

If it's a lot to swallow.

 

And if you just want to be alone,

Well, I can wait without waiting.

If you want me to let this go,

Well, I'm more than willing.”

 

 

 

“You know you shouldn’t have done that.” 

 

 

Irene doesn’t utter a word. She replies with her stares from her pillow, our pillows to be exact. Her stares are strong despite the condition she was in not so long ago. 

 

 

Xavier leaves us alone after doing his “job”. So the house is fallen into complete silence again. Just the heartbeat and the breathing of Bae Joohyun. 

 

 

I avoid the staring competition with her since I always lost, “Tell me what to do, Bae Joohyun. You don’t want me to save you, I suppose?”

 

 

She looks away and diverts her strong gaze to her left wrist. It is healed but it left a scar. It is deep. It hurts just by looking.

 

 

“If you were to save me, then don’t.” I try to look and sound sincere as I can. I really mean it. I try to engrave the words into her. “There’re enough people dying and suffering already.”

 

 

Don’t die for me Bae Joohyun. It’s the stupidest idea ever. It wouldn’t help, at all. I just found out there is something worse than losing my own life.

 

 

 

“I thought you hate me. Why?” She looks up and seems ready to slap the out of me. “Why? Why did you come back?” 

 

 

I don’t get her. I just saved her life and she looks like she wants to murder me. Oh, the irony.

 

 

All of the sudden she starts to throw punches on my shoulders. They are rather weak, I would say. I wonder it’s because of her condition or she doesn’t mean to hurt me. And I just let her. Like I always do. Because I have no clue what to do with her.

 

 

“Son Seungwan, don’t you hate me?” “You should have just let me be and let me die.” “Then you can live again.” “I deserve that. Why don’t you dare to do it? You have every right to do it.” “Let me do something for you.”

 

 

I gently circle my arms around her trembling body as she collapses on my embrace sobbing. 

 

 

“You just hurt me.” I mumble to her ear. “You don’t have to die for that. You don’t owe me anything.” 

 

 

“But I-” She slightly struggles in protest.

 

 

Yes, but she cheated. Sort of, mentally, spiritually, theoretically. Little does she know I was already broken when we grew apart. She just ripped a little piece of me away when she went out with that guy. I could not blame anyone, not even him. Irene is beautiful, her personality attracts people.

 

 

 

“I chose to love you. I said yes. I said I love you. Without a knife on my neck or a gun on my head.” I chuckle again at myself. “If I have to blame, it’s my own fault.” 

 

 

“Seungwan-”

 

 

I cut her off again, “Listen, Joohyun-ah. Don’t worry about me. Don’t ever do it again. I will know, Xavier will know. I have my plans.”

 

 

Her body stiffens while I was talking. 

 

 

“You used to call me that……. Nevermind.” She mutters as I pull away.  Maybe I did use the same tone and same way to call her.

 

 

But then she perks up a bit, “So who? Who will you kill? And how ? What can bring you back if I don’t……..”

 

 

I laugh, “Chill, would you? It doesn’t necessarily have to kill. I could be wrong. I will find a way.”

 

 

She bites her lower lip, she does it while she is thinking, thinking hard. “Is it that corrupted cop?”

 

 

 

Oh she is so smart. I don’t regret a single bit that she is, was, my girlfriend. I still keep my face straight, “I am investigating, with Xavier’s help. Stay out of this. Joohy- Irene. Call Seulgi or Joy or Yeri to take care of you, or if you are bored. Don’t do anything stupid again. Be a good girl, okay?”

 

 

I mentally slap myself in the mouth after slurring the last sentences out. When did I sound so possessive? When did I become such a nagger? When did I turn back into the Wendy when we were together?

 

 

Irene, on the other hand, finally lifts a smile looking at me, rather meaningfully. I hate her stares. I hate her grins. I turn my head away contemplating whether I should flee or vanish now.

 

 

“I’m sorry, Seungwan.” “I wish I have done a better job.” “Thank you. For everything.”

 

 

My eyes meet hers again as she continues, “I’m glad it was you when I opened my eyes again. You were there for me. And I am so sorry for everything I have done. I know I am no one to ask anything from you again. So thank you, and sorry.”

 

 

It saddens me too to witness the lost flickers in her eyes. It makes me think that she is dead inside. Please don’t. 

 

 

My instinct guides my hand to her face, it startles me too pulling off such intimate act on her. But I guess it’ll hurt her once again if I retrieve it immediately. So I let it stay. 

 

 

 

“And I don't want to change you,

I don't want to change you,

I don't want to change your mind.

 

I just came across a manger,

Where there is no the danger,

Where love has eyes and is not blind.”

 

 

 

It sends warmth from her cheeks, making me worried if my hand would chill her instead. We haven’t been so close for a long time. I feel so awkward touching her like this. It feels inappropriate. It sickens me when I start thinking maybe he had also done so behind my back. 

 

 

I eventually force my hand back on my lap with the thought of him touching her. My fingers feel like burning with jealousy. And I hate myself for that. She doesn’t belong to you. Does she?

 

 

Are these all because of love? Are these still love? Or, we are just hate to let things go since we are used to the way it is.

 

 

 

Irene looks at me in confusion, and a little bit of hurt. 

 

 

“What is it, Seungwan?” Oh, she probably thinks I might have that pain after touching her again.

 

 

Yeah, a different kind of pain. I shake my head, trying to shake off those thoughts and feelings. But it is plain useless.

 

 

So I recompose myself, and look her in the eye. “Did…… Did he do that to you too?” I want to slap my mouth again for sounding like a clingy desperate teenage girl.

 

 

I see move before she could form coherent sentences, “He did touch my cheeks. And hands. Nothing more. I told you. It didn’t feel the same.” She looks frustrated explaining. 

 

 

 

“He loves you.”

 

 

“He likes me. Or liked.” Irene frowns. “It’s none of my business now.” 

 

 

I stand up from the chair, hoping it will make my blood circulate better and my brain run faster. She frowns harder seeing me trying to leave. Her hand reaches out a little from the covers, looking all ready to grab my wrist or something.

 

 

“If I fail, or I don’t come back,” I stress on my words, each of them, one by one. “You should consider him.” There are too many possibilities. I could fail by not solving the case as I wish. I could fail to bring anyone to justice. I could drop out and give up and remain dead. I could leave even if I got my life back. And I should let her know.

 

 

 

As expected, my wrist is chained by her delicate fingers within seconds.

 

 

“Son Seungwan, are you really that dumb? Did death make you dumb?” She yanks my hand with full force. “I could die for you and why would you still think I’ll give him a chance?”

 

 

I sit down on the edge of the bed as she wishes, I know she is still weak.

 

 

“I am not dumb. It’s for your own good.” I glue my eyes on the hand on mine. “I’m scared. Do you know, Joohyun? I am scared.”

 

 

It scares me. The thought of losing her. I thought I could walk away. I thought.  It scares me too, what if we are going to break each other’s hearts again, what if we have never changed, what if these are all meaningless.

 

 

“I am here.” Her soft voice rings and she even tightens her grip on my hand. “I am just here, a good girl waiting. I swear I won’t make the same mistakes again, Wendy-ah.”

 

 

I heave a heavy sigh, “Joohyun, don’t say sorry again. We judge others’ mistakes, but we defend ours. How I wish things are black and white, all simple and straightforward. Tell me what should I do with you?”

 

 

“This.” She keeps my hand in hers, lifts my chin with her other so that I can see the look in her eyes.

 

 

They flicker as she leans in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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