Warning: Last part of this chapter might get a little (very little) heated, so you might want to skip the stuff written in blue, if you feel offended in any way. 

20. Insecurities

It was around midnight when Haera left the library and walked to the dorm building. She was exhausted beyond words and heart-broken. Her condition was unstable; she felt sick both physically and emotionally. Everything that had happened throughout the day had her pulling her hair out. First Kyu Jong with his blaming, then Hyung Jun with his news. She had also gotten a low grade on an important assignment and had fled from the department after that. She hadn’t bothered checking up on Somin- like she would usually did, and Somin too hadn’t cared to contact her. Haera did know that must be because Somin too had, had a handful of a day already. She was a mess and had probably gone to bed early, thought Haera.

The girl dragged her feet over the parking lot, wanting to get inside and jump in bed as soon as possible, but she knew that wasn’t happening anytime soon when a man in a wheel chair rolled himself to stand right in front of her face. 

He looked dishevelled, and wore baggy clothes. His dark hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead and his face was tinier than what it had been last time she saw him. The parking lot was dark, but not dark enough for her not to notice his heavy eye bags- proof of no sleep, and his chapped lips and paled skin. In total he looked like crap, and he felt like it too. Heartbroken and betrayed, that’s what he was.

“Haera,” He called her name with a gruff voice laced with disappointment, hurt and anger altogether.

She should’ve seen this coming.

“Oppa?” The woman called back. What was he doing here? And why? Was he here to declare his love for her? She felt weak, uncertain. What was he going to do to her? He was a man of revenge, she knew, so if he punished her- she wouldn’t be surprised.

“Where have you been?” He demanded to know in a tone she knew all too well. It left her with no choice, but to reply.

“I-well…..I just came from the library.” She pointed her thumb back over her shoulder and tried searching his eyes. And what did she find there? Displeasure, rage. Not a good sight really.

“No, I mean, where have you been the whole week? And why are you ignoring me?”

She stopped walking forwards when he was close enough to be able to see her slightly smudged mascara and disoriented eye-shadow. “I’ve been here…..”

“You were here and you’ve been ignoring me like I am some epidemic?” Young Saeng had decided he’d be patient with her, sweet like he has always been, but looking at her face now, he forgot all of his plans. He was angry and damaged, and he’d make sure she’d see what a monster she had created.

“I am sorry, but I told you last night.” Haera held her ground; she wasn’t going to be afraid of him just because he was raising his voice slightly and questioning her.

“You told me what?!” He spat and grabbed her arm to yank her forwards. He might be in a wheelchair, but that wasn’t stopping him from acting like he would usually do in situations like this one.

The woman gulped, fearing his next move, but knew it was better to get it over with already. “We can’t be together Oppa, that’s what I told you.”

Young Saeng forced her to her knees on the gravel and she yelped by the sudden pain caused because of the movement. He didn’t like hurting her, but good damn did she deserve this after the message she sent him the night before.“Come again?” He then challenged.

She should’ve known better and shut up, but she spoke again. “We can’t date anymore.”

His eyes were ignited in fire that very second. He had never seen her being this cruel, this selfish and sure of herself. She wasn’t behaving like herself, her voice sounded strange to his ears. “And why not?”

“I don’t want to.” Haera replied boldly. She had never hurt anybody so directly, this must have been her first time speaking so  cruelly and crushing another person’s heart. But boy did it feel good to admit the truth and put out the fake act.

“You don’t want to date me?” Asked the man in disbelief. Had he wasted four ings months of his life? No, it didn’t feel like it, because what he felt for her, was real.

“No!” Came the instant reply.

“Why?” He needed to know what he did wrong, because to him- they were perfect. They never fought, and everything had seemed so right last time they’d been together. Everything apart from the second half of the ball at least. He had forgiven her for not attending to him when she was required the most.

Tears welled up in her exhausted eyes. “I don’t have feelings for you”

“How can you say that when we’ve been together for so long? You know of my feelings, don’t you? And yet you do this?!”

“I am sorry” She cried, her lip trembling “I can’t be with somebody I don’t love.”

“You used ing three months to find out I was never worth your time?” He couldn’t get himself to believe she had faked everything. The embraces, the kisses they had shared. Were those of no value to her?

“I thought I loved you” Her body was shaking now, “But I was wrong, I didn’t!” Last week. That’s when she found out she could no longer repress her actual feelings.

That hurt like a , so he grabbed her hair from behind and pulled her closer to his face. “You thought huh?” He laughed, it was not funny. Only painful. So ing painful. He’d rather have his injured thigh chopped off.

Haera sobbed loudly now, if anybody had heard her, they’d believe somebody was attacking her. And in some way, Young Saeng was attacking her. 

“Why are you doing this to me?!” He screamed in her face as she closed her eyes to get away from his blaming gaze and insulting words. “Why, you ing minx?!” 

Those were the harshest words he had ever used for her. And it was painful to hear them. 

“I am sorry!” She whispered over and over again, what else could she do?

“You are not sorry!!” He spat “I can see it in your eyes, you ing tease!”

She was sorry, but wasn’t going to take anything back, because she had a right to think of her own best too. Her entire life had been about sacrifice, first for her parents, then her siblings and so her friends. She was tired of putting others over herself all the time!

“If I had known you were this wicked, I’d never have fallen for you” Young Saeng admitted in a broken voice.

“I am sorry” The woman cried over and over until he lost track of how many times she had uttered exactly that sentence. He released her hair slowly and pushed her back.

“Get out of my sight, I never want to see you again,” All lies. He wanted to see her every day, each second of a day if possible. For the rest of his life. She had managed to stir so many feelings inside of him, and he wanted her, needed her, but couldn’t have her. That . Really, badly.

“I am sorry” Was her last sentence before she stood up and practically ran away from him, afraid he might change his decision and start chasing her.

When Kyu Jong had told Young Saeng about his conversation with Haera earlier, Young Saeng hadn’t believed him. He was ill, but used all of his remaining energy to drag himself to the dorm-building, just so he could see her and solve their problems. He didn’t know this would be the result of meeting her.

He felt betrayed. Why would she do this to him when he had taken a bullet for her? It hadn’t seemed like it, but she was wicked. Selfish, he shook his head in disbelief. How could she? Why? She had seemed like an angel the whole time, and now she was suddenly coming out as Lucifer’s right hand? He should’ve screwed her when he had the chance, she deserved destruction. But no, he was in love. He wouldn’t be capable of doing that to his love.

Haera sobbed into her pillow. Somin was awake too, but she wasn’t bothering her friend. The day had been difficult, for both of them, so she faced the wall and tightened her eyes. It was heart-breaking to hear her friend, but she wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t worth it, she reminded herself time after time.

But it hurt so much. The words he had told her. Unworthy and insecure. Was she really those things? Yes, Somin decided. She really was insecure, because when she had checked the mirror in the morning, she had noticed things. Things she had never seen before. Like how her tiniest bit of belly fat should be removed, or how unattractive she looked when she smiled widely and her eyes turned little. She was small, in height. Too small. Too girly, not like a woman. Not like Yujen. So it had only been realistic for her ex to leave her for other women. Real women. Women who- unlike her, had curves and attractiveness. Women who knew how to handle a man’s desires.

Somin had always been satisfied with her looks, but now she felt insecure. Unwanted. Is that why he left her? Because she was bad-looking? Unappealing? Yes, that must be it.

And why had he wanted her in the first place? To punish her because of how she had talked to him? To show her, her place? Like he had said, it would have been such a sight to see her in his bed. That’s all he had wanted from her. Her body, not her. Was she really so unworthy? He didn’t want Somin Jung, he only wanted a taste of Somin Jung.

And in some sick way, she believed she had failed, because she had let him taste her. After all, they had been kissing and touching in sensual ways. It was disgusting how much she had enjoyed his ways of approaching her whenever they’d been away; How the first thing he’d do when they saw each other in University would be embrace her in his strong arms and squeeze her tightly to his chest. Or how they’d sit beside each other in lunch and he’d focus his eyes on her the entire time while she blushed and tried having conversations with their friends.

With that thought, Somin stormed out of bed and into the bathroom where she vomited nearly everything she had forced herself to eat that day. It was painful and she wanted to cry aloud. She had no idea the world could be so cruel to her, but now she knew; not even people like her could get away with its cruelty.

“Are you alright?” Haera asked softly, standing near the doorframe.

Somin looked up to see her eyes puffy and red. “Y-yeah, what about you?”

Haera bit her lip and looked away. She was not alright, but she had brought this upon herself. “I’ve been better.”

And then there was silence. Somin brushed her teeth and locked her hair in a ponytail, while Haera just stood there and stared at the floor.

“Hey Haera?” The girl muttered several minutes later.

“Yeah?”

“If I ask you a question, would you be honest?”

Haera’s heart started pumping loudly. She was suddenly nervous. What was Somin going to ask? Had she found out because of what happened in lunchtime? “Y-yeah, sure…..”

“Do I….like look childish?”

“What?”

“I mean….. I look like a 14 years old, don’t it?”

“What are you saying Somin?”

“I mean, you can’t even see my hips or chest, I look like a child.”

“Somin?” Haera said seriously, she had never heard her complain about her looks. “You don’t look like a child, why would you say that?”

“That’s why he left me, isn’t it?” She whispered more to herself than to anybody else.

Haera stepped forwards and brushed Somin’s hair. “Don’t ever think that about yourself, because you are beyond beautifult.” And she meant it.

Somin scoffed “You’re only saying that because you are my friend.” She wasn’t aware, but she was developing serious insecurities. She was becoming angsty and depressed, which was a problem. A problem that shouldn’t be ignored.

* * * * *

“Bambi”

“Bambi”

Hyung Jun circled around Somin. “Talk to me”

Somin looked straight ahead- clutched her books to her chest and ignored him. She was not going to speak to him after what he had done that day. He has been disrespectful enough times, and she has had enough. No more. She was no longer going to be patient with him and brush it off like harmless flirting. His flirting had passed the healthy line, and was now becoming m