Hayi

Collapsed in the mind of a broken-hearted soul, my body was numb as if the perfect sense had left me once in a while because I was no longer able to feel anything other than the numbness in me. Not even the wind that blew my hair or the hardness of the stones beneath my feet, or even the pain he caused that wounded my heart deeply. Would I be capable of trusting ones? When a person I’ve trusted the most let me witness the kind of man he actually was. That disgusting man disguised as my lover after all this time, I could not even imagine what other things he was able to do behind my back before tonight. Looking so innocent with the sweet words and text messages, I might believe him if I did not know like those days before. Sad to see how such a fool I was to believe in his apology.

            So this was how it felt to be betrayed, like your body was ripped apart and the world above you went on a rage, and you saw those people behind laughing at how stupid you were to believe in a false faith. And then you regret all things you have done and said to yourself “How can I not see it far before?” I was blinded by a blurry line called love. Now all I could do was to apologize to myself for letting it fall into a rabbit hole of an intoxicated wonderland. My love ended as fast as I fell for him that day.

            I walked back inside with an addition of the faded mascara under both of my eyes and the dry tears on my cheeks. My eyes ignored the presence of other attendances and I walked carelessly passing through the dance floor. I craved a place for me and surprisingly, alcohol, and that was where I went to. I started considerably fast for a person who never drinks before because I thought it was a perfect time to begin my alcohol journey. Taehyun’s party served expensive drinks and without hesitation I brought a huge bottle that looked like the most expensive one. I knew those were not for me, they might put it there for Taehyun’s important friends whose fathers were the head of dominant companies. But who really pay attention to those facts when your life was at its end?

            I was not even sure what my mind that I came to a decision of actually drinking tonight, I just wanted to skip this night and they said alcohol was the perfect escape. Well, I guessed we just had to try, right? To forget about Mino, my tragic love life and other tragedies that will happen next if I kept myself sober. I felt those eyes on the dance floor were striking on me but my mind chose to ignore the fear of what other people thought about me. The numbness made me bulletproof for a night. What would come tomorrow through their filthy mouths was predictable but yet I was prepared for those keen sayings they would surely throw at me.

            Just then I realized how big Taehyun’s was and I would not stop admiring his wealth and the art his family had through the house’s furniture and architecture. I walked myself upstairs where I could find emptiness. There were only me and the empty hall that led me to a room. I entered the bathroom inside an empty yet fancy bedroom that seemed to be the guest bedroom. No one was there, but I chose to lock myself in the bathroom because it felt more secretive. The bathroom was as fancy as the bedroom itself complete with a large bathtub in the corner. I seated myself inside the empty bathtub and opened the bottle to have myself a drink for the first time.

“Now or never”

My mind instantly reminisced to the time when I first met him, I knew exactly I was in love with him on the first sight and it was pretty adorable for a little girl who just discovered how love tasted for the first time. But I forgot exactly how it felt, when I came back to the moment when Mino confessed his feeling for me through the kiss he shared on New Years’ Eve which happened to be my first kiss, I could not felt how it tasted anymore. It disappeared from my memory as fast as I removed his title as the man that I love. Song Mino was a very handsome man and no one could ever deny it. He was the perfect kind of guy, handsome, tall, smart, rich and desirable. Any girl would fall for him when they see him and somehow he chose me to be the one that he loved, the happiness was indescribable because my mind stop working from that moment as I let my heart fully work on its own, to accept Mino’s love and had him as my own under the name of love. We were drunk in love, and suddenly I doubted if there were ever we in this intoxicated relationship.

            Even though there were once, why didn’t he try to keep it?

Why would he love me if in the end he would be unfaithful? Betrayal—one thing that I could never comprehend, why people would do such thing, what did they aim? What kind of pleasure did they get if they betray someone? It was too disconcerting to think about, or i might be drowned already inside the strong effect of the collision between Taehyun’s expensive drink and the inexperience of mine.  

“Song Mino”

It was terribly demolishing when his name became strange and unfamiliar to me. His face in my mind became something I was disinterested—after two years of looking into his eyes only now I realized how crafty they were. I was always afraid of the moment when everything his became something extraneous to me, like it was new in wretched way. But it seemed ordinary when I could finally see he wasn’t so different than other boys whom I rejected in the past. From this night, I was no longer apprehensive of losing him—I desired to deprive him from my life for once and for all.

            Where should I begin though? The conversations would not help when he always knew what to say to keep me blinded and sightless in the poisonous affection of his. In all conscience there was no path to escape the fight that we would surely have once we face each other tomorrow—or the day after that, also, I could never escape the ineptness whenever I contemplate his face in my mind—and in reality.

“Hopeless”

            There was no way to end what we started.

“I am a fool!”

My sore throat became painful, I thought I was about to lose my voice but did it matter anyway? I heard footsteps coming from outside the door but I was too dispirited to be curios. I was staring blankly at the floor when the door suddenly opened bearishly by a man in black who turned out to be no other than the legendary Song Yunhyeong.

            He unbelievably found me—again. He was being ultimately eager to be my companion tonight, this parasite just wouldn’t leave me alone even after my cruel attitude earlier, if I was sane I would believe his intention on being nice to me—I would always think positively. But I was too drunk to see him clearly and to forgive him. One thing I highly suspected, I was conscious enough to admit I could not blame him any further. Maybe his companion was all I need even if I did not want it.

“Lee Hayi! What on earth are you doing here?!”

He shouted as he stared at the mess I made for myself. His eyes went bigger in shock as soon as he saw the bottle of wine that I embraced inside my arm. In a second he roughly took it away from me and put it on the sink counter.

“You’re unbelievable” he said. “You are so unbelievable”

He closed the door carefully and walked around the bathroom looking for something. I watched every movement he made from the corner of the bathtub without even blinking. Under the unconsciousness of my sanity I suddenly found him attractive—not in a physical way. His determination and kindness absolutely caught my eyes but it did not prevent me from disliking him. He caused too much mess and I was the one to clean it for the sake of literally everybody.

            Soon he got what he was looking for—glass of water. Taehyun had two bottles of mineral water inside his bathroom for reasons I could never understand, Song Yunhyeong poured it on a glass and he walked toward me.

“Why are you drinking? You are too young for this!” he said.

He seated himself on the edge of the bathtub as he handed me a glass of water.

“Here, drink this.”

“I’m not in the mood” I said.

“I insist!”

The glare of his deep dark eyes frightened me down to my nerves and I forcefully took the water and drank it for myself. My throat was still numb as I could not feel the water on my tongue—I could not even feel my mind thinking or the common sense that once stayed inside of me,

“How did you find me anyway?” I asked as my eyes kept avoiding his.

“Well it was not easy. You furiously went inside the maze so I waited outside as I sat in the park bench, then you suddenly went out—crying I suppose.” He paused. “Then you took a bottle of a very expensive wine, and you made some of the waiters despiteful of your attitude. Lastly you went upstairs—and I searched all room, not surprised to see you here though—I was surprised to see you change in a very concise time.”

“Oh, so that’s how”

“Yes, that is how.” He sighed. “It’s your first time drinking, isn’t it?”

“Oh so now you are Mr. Know-it-all”

“Lee Hayi-ssi, I’m serious” he glared at me. “Okay, you know what? You don’t have to tell, I know it’s your first time, you haven’t even finished half of it and you are already as drunk as this.”

He stared at me in silence and I stared at him back. He really looked like Zayn Malik from a few angles of his face but his voice was so much better than Zayn Malik. I wanted to hear it again—right now.

“Sing” I said.

“What?” he asked.

“Sing for me”

His eyes disappeared as he chuckled.

“What are you talking about?”

            I sighed.

“I want you to sing for me! Once you were acting so smart and now you are so dumb, I don’t understand you Song Yunhyeong-ssi. I ask you to sing, that is a simple request and you don’t even understand what I’m saying!” I said.

“No, I won’t! You’re just too drunk, you know? You should go home.”

“So now you’re kicking me out?”

“It’s not what I meant, okay? You know exactly it was a suggestion!”

I have never seen Song Yunhyeong in a way like I did even though I’ve only met him once before tonight. Song Yunhyeong was indeed a very kind man and seemed to be the type of friend that would always treat you right no matter how awful your behavior could be. I felt like I judged him too fast that I ended up misunderstood his personality. But one little thing I failed to comprehend from his attitude was he acted differently when my friends were around and when it was only me. Well, guess I had to avoid another misjudgment because I did not know him that well. We only met twice and I did not even know where he lived. He probably acted the same if I was not a gigantic mess right now; he was just trying to help me by being nice. Once I snap back to my consciousness—he would also go back to the normal version of his.

            His last words pierced me like a blunt knife—it got me in so much pain because my sensitivity was being annoyingly unpredictable. Home sounded very good, maybe I should go there to pull myself together. Why didn’t I think about it earlier? I tried to get up but my head was intensely heavy that I swung from side to side before I could finally stand properly.

“Okay, then—I’ll go home as you wish”

“What?” he was surprised.

“That’s right! I’m coming home!” I said as I got out of the bathtub and walked back into the bedroom.

“Did you come to this party with someone, though?”

“Nope, I didn’t!”

“Then how the hell are you going to get yourself home?”

“WALKING!” I shouted as I ran, leaving him inside the fancy guest bedroom.

I. Was. So. Drunk.

The ballroom was half empty when I got outside and the guests were flooding Taehyun’s front lawn as they waited for their drivers to pick them up. But I did not even need a driver because I decided to walk, from Taehyun’s house to my house which exactly took thirty minutes by car—maybe one hour or two by feet. Who cares though? The important thing was I would get home in the end, there’s no difference in between.

            The wide sky was getting darker in each second we passed. My pretty little mind was amazed by the dense of the night sky without the companion of the stars. Either it was about to rain or the pollution was terribly heavy in Seoul these days. I gazed at it and my feet stopped to let myself absorb the pleasure of looking at the plain of the sky. So plain and lifeless like my ripped soul. It felt like I and the darkness became instant good friends because we had a lot of things in common—lonely, cold & vacant.

“Lee Hayi!”

            Song Yunhyeong was chasing me from behind as I turned my head around to see him walking towards me, closer and closer.

“Lee Hayi, you can’t walk on your own! It’s too dangerous out there!” he shouted.

I tried to escape him by hurrying myself to Taehyun’s front gate. When I was about to run, my body bumped onto a man that stood in front of me with his back against my face. Soon enough he recognize my existence and turned back as he stared at me. The same stare and the same man as the one I saw in the glass hall earlier inside Taehyun’s house. This time he was not on his phone so he didn’t have a reason to let me pass by. His stare was so deep and sharp that I was jolted by the nerves inside of me.

            When I thought he was going to kidnap me and sell me to the human trafficking—instead, he stepped aside and let me pass through. He only glared at me without a word coming out of his mouth, not even a word. And I in return was too afraid to say anything. He has an intimidating aura that made everybody around him felt so low and so weak. It was crazy that such man could make other feels like they were nothing compared to him—I guessed it was true, he must have been so powerful and so rich that every word he says would generate gold and diamond.

            I stared at him for the last time and walked out into the empty sidewalk. Accompanied only by the darkness of the sky and so little of the street light, I literally walked myself home with the heaviness in my head and my swollen lifeless eyes. I could finally see the night view of Seoul streets.

Hanbin

“Hayi?”

She was walking on her own, barefooted to be exact and her eyes were swollen. The dry tears on her cheek caught my sense but still, she gave me the kind of cold feeling by just seeing into her eyes—lifeless. The princess mysteriously appeared in front of me when I was thinking about her the most, I was happy to experience the spectacular coincident but the happiness disappeared when I asked to myself what was she doing here? No, why did she appear like this? She stood in the middle of the night, wearing a dress so beautifully made and her face that blankly stared at the path beneath us.

            I stopped and stared at her who bluntly walked with the strength that remained on her delicate body. Her arms embraced herself as the cold wind was striking through her bare mild skin. She didn’t seem to notice my existence yet until she was two feet in front of me and she finally stopped. Her eyes went from my feet up to the confused face of mine. I could not stop wondering why she walked by herself barefooted in the middle of the night, she was swaying from left to right. I knew doubtless that her house was not around as the building stood around us were only shops and parking lot.

            Both of her round eyes were on mine. Her lips only moved by the quiver, not the words she meant to say when she found me here. I was far from the hope of Hayi recognizing me—I could smell alcohol already flowing straight from her dress. She had been drinking heavily.

“Ya, move out of my way” she commanded.

            I did not move.

“Ya! Didn’t you hear me?!” she shouted as she hit me a few times with the clench of her hands. “Move out of my way!”

“Hayi” I quickly grabbed both of her arms.

“Wha-… How do you know my name?” she said.

            She narrowed her eyes on me as her body kept swaying.

“Oh I know who you are” she paused. “You’re the guy in the music room!”

“Hayi, stop” the alcohol smell was too strong for me to hold as she was so close to me I could smell everything already. “Ugh! You smell like alcohol”

“Yes, that’s right! I’ve just had my first ever drink, can you believe it?!” she leaned on me “and it was good!”

“No! It’s bad, Hayi. You shouldn’t get any closer to alcohol”

“All I needed was an escape from this terrifying night, and alcohol was the answer. It seriously worked! I don’t remember anything!”

She roughly took her arms away from me and without hesitating—she laid down on the sidewalk. Her arms were wide enough to create a snow angel but instead it was the cement of the sidewalk lying under her body. She was carelessly rolling around like she was lying on her own bed. The drunken smile was attached on her red face.

“Hayi stop” I said. “This is a freaking sidewalk not a bed!”

“Who cares?!” she shouted. “He doesn’t even care about me!”

“He?” I asked.

            She lifted her swaying body up and faced me fearlessly.

“He doesn’t even care that I waited him for so long! He did not come, you know?! He left me waiting without a word ever been spoken by him! I was going round and round like a ing crazy old lady back there in the ballroom looking for him—and instead, he was enjoying his moment that ’s mouth over and over again in the suit that I bought specially for him on his seventeenth birthday!”

“And you know what? It’s okay! It’s totally fine! Sure I can forget him like he forgets about me! Who is he for me to always remember anyway?! He is nothing.” She sighed.  “I barely even think about him lately. I am such a bad girlfriend, aren’t i?”

She looked at me half crying as her voice became sorer.

“You” she said. “You keep running around in my mind with your pitiful story begging for my empathy. What is wrong with you? What is wrong with everybody?!”

            Sorry for making you feel like this.

“Your world maybe harsh—but mine is cruel” she paused. “And I don’t even know your name”