Hanbin

Most of us failed to remember how Jinhwan’s place used to look like. It has been a very long time, three years approximately, since the last time we had been into his house—to play, to hang out, to do homework, or to discuss things and play with his dog. I, myself, failed to rewind the day our friendship came to an end, because it was something I never wanted to plant inside my memory. He was part of us and he always will be.

            I was nervous the deeper we went into his neighborhood. The view was familiar to us and I finally sensed the excitement of being on my way to his place for once more, the kind of excitement that had been gone for too long. Nothing changes except the trees that had grown taller, and the colors of the houses that seemed to fade and became shabbier than before. Time was indeed a genuine referee of life, dividing our lifetime through switches of joy and sorrow. I could not find a better place to learn other than time and space, this moment I truly learned, from the mistakes that I buried in the past. I stopped my motorcycle right afore of a beige cream-colored house that took place in the end of the street. Bobby and Junhoe soon followed and parked their motorcycle and SUV; they stepped out and stood next to me, facing the house together from the front lawn.

            My worries grew even wilder and the heartbeat was unstoppable. I crossed my right arm to my left chest and calmed myself down. I knew Bobby’s eyes had been stealing worried glances at me and my nerves that became more obvious the longer we stood here. I was not planning to hide my nerves, I was sweating and I could become careless on how I look and how Bobby and Junhoe felt about me shaking. But I was unable to neglect my guilt towards Jinhwan, it was the only thing I thought about, every time I heard his name, every miles I passed when I was taking a ride to this place, and every seconds I waste staring at his white wooded door without actually being brave enough to walk and knock.

            But I could not, I was not strong enough to do this, I was never prepared for this day. I felt Bobby’s arm embracing the back of my shoulders as he tapped me gently a few times. His eyes whispered every wise word he could never speak that was enough for me to understood by just looking at them. He was always too shy to admit his wise thinking that got me annoyed all the time, but I was glad to have him on my side at times like this. He understood me in every way; I hoped I could do the same in return.

“So, this is it, huh?” Bobby said. I breathe heavily.

“Yeah, finally.” Junhoe said. “We took too long to finally be here, my advice…” he turned to me. “Don’t waste it for another time. Second chance is too hard to find—there’s no place for the third one.”

            It hit me hard.

“I know this is hard, but we should give it a try.” Bobby slowly walked towards the door. “It has been too long like Junhoe said” he continued. Junhoe replied with a nod as he followed Bobby behind.

 Bobby realized I hadn’t made any movement from my current standing position; he turned around and waited for me to get there in front of the door with both of his hands inside his black jeans’ pockets. By that I noticed Jinhwan’s house suffered slight changes. His wooden door looked broken with scratches on its corners and the doorknob seemed to be not as shiny as before. The grass had grown wildly tall, not to mention the emptiness of his garage suspected me a little. It all felt so—untouchable.

“Come on” Bobby said. “What are you waiting for?”

I thought too much that it consumed me. What could go erroneous in just three years? I was not lying when I said to myself I was unable to do this. The feeling was growing too strong and it got me so wrong. I cowardly stood here being half a man already. Where did the courage go? Where was the confidence? I guessed, it went away with the guilt. I closed my eyes and unbelievably prayed, wishing Jinhwan would be fine and happy to see us—even when I knew he would not.

            Whatever we would find behind that door, I must had been ready for this. It was part of the consequence; i got to be brave, just for one time. I hesitantly approached Bobby and the door behind him, the air got colder that strangely made me sweat even more. When I was half way there, Junhoe called us in panic as he peeked over the window.

“Guys, I think something is not right” he said.

My instant glance was followed by my curiosity that led me standing with Junhoe who was still peeking on the window on the front side of the house.

“What? What’s the matter?” Bobby ran in hurry.

“You guys should see this” Junhoe stepped aside as he let me and Bobby peeked over what he tried to tell us.

The window showed everything. The house was in fact—empty. Nothing could be found, including the furniture, only the scratched old wallpaper on its wall. This surprised me even worse than Jinhwan himself, I was far from ready to face this. All I was thinking about—where did he go?

“Oh lord, this is bad” Bobby said not leaving the window. “This is really bad. This is far from where I’m thinking”

“Honestly, I have no clue on what’s happening!” Junhoe said as he stressed out on his own. “Our Jinhwan! Guys, he is our Jinhwan!”

“Wait, I’ll take a look from the backyard. There must be something we can find, like a clue or something about his whereabouts” Bobby said.

“Oh please Bobby! This is not The Da Vinci Code! There is no freaking clue on the backyard or the paintings or anything that lead us to Jinhwan, or even the Holy Grail!” Junhoe yelled.

“Can you just please calm down? This is bad but we can still find him. It’s impossible Jinhwan left without telling us anything. At least there is something we can do, stop talking like it’s over already!” Bobby yelled back.

 But before Bobby made his way, I ran quickly to the backyard. I jumped over the fence, forgetting all about the keys and breaking inside the house. As I landed, I was greeted by another tall wild grass. There used to be a swing made of tire that Jinhwan and I set on the tree when we were thirteen. We were so proud to make something on our own and we played here all the time after school, when everything was easy, when there were no mistakes and complications. But what I got started to terrify me, the swing was gone, the gnomes that his father made, the old toys and the typical smell of his house were all gone. Even if Jinhwan really moved somewhere, we should have known, our history might not be at its best, but how could he leave without notifying us?

            I passed the wild grass and peeked over the window that attached to the kitchen—it was empty. The whole backyard was empty, the swimming pool had been drained out and his mother’s garden was no longer colorful like before. The flowers were dead; the woods were broken and thrown out behind the tool shack in the corner of the backyard. I tried to find something but I was uncertain exactly on what I wanted to discover. His traces, his clues, anything, but I should had realized it was actually impossible.

            Bobby and Junhoe joined me on the mess. Their faces showed the same expression as I did when I saw what I was seeing then. I sighed, being clueless and helpless. My emotion controlled me and I kicked the rocks on the ground as I growled.

“Nothing” Junhoe said. “There’s nothing, I told you”

I sat on the patio in disappointment. I was disappointed on myself and I could not stop blaming myself after. I hid my face under both of my hands because I did not want them to see me in pain and I rubbed my head hard, so hard that I felt like crushing my own brain. This could not be happening, our time could not be over.  

“But there’s got to be something we can find” Bobby said, he without despair went to every corner of the yard to find some clues.  

“What? What can we find?!” Junhoe said, Bobby turned at him. “Let’s just face it!”

“Facing what?” Bobby asked. “That he’s gone? Leaving us? Without any traces or notifications on his whereabouts? Don’t be such a pessimistic!” he said walking closer towards Junhoe.

“But it’s the fact, Bobby!”

“But we need him!”

Junhoe stared blankly at Bobby, not sure on what he should say in response. He rubbed his head as he swirled around and endlessly mumbling before he attacked Bobby for once more.

“Oh my god, oh my god… we’re so disgusting for coming to Jinhwan only when we need him. What did we do in the past three years? All the time that we wasted without even thinking of him, without even trying to reach him” Junhoe said.

“What did you say?” Bobby said. “No, don’t say that ever again. You know, what did you do? What did you do when Jinhwan left? Did you try to stop or did you try anything? No! You just sat nicely in your Italian brand new shoes that your aunt gave you and complained about everything. No, you’d rather lose your best friend than get a touch of dirt on your ing shoes!”

“Stop!” I yelled. “This is nonsense! What you two are doing is nonsense, useless and tiring!”

They took a long pause. I got to admit it, sometimes, I enjoyed taking control at them, mostly because they had no clue on how to control themselves, especially at times like this, when they argued, when they fought, when they laughed too much, I took the part on stopping them from getting too far, and usually—Jinhwan would scold them with the wisest thinking he could ever have.

            Jinhwan always said when we were younger, that Bobby and Junhoe were like water and oil, they could never dissolve, but they would always be side by side protecting each other, and we as their friends should take part on giving more or less of both of them when they were on a rage and keep them in balance. Sometimes, when I felt like giving up, I kept my distance away from them, and I might even gave them the cold shoulder, and they stopped when they realized it. But I could not always act that way, I was afraid the way I treat them would lead us to an end. This was why, we need Jinhwan—I need Jinhwan, and the secrets that he kept.

“Well” I took a deep breathe.  “Junhoe is right, it’s the fact that Jinhwan is not here. And Bobby is right too that we need him. I don’t want you to point on each other’s flaws, I don’t want this useless argument to happen again. We already lost Jinhwan back then, do we have to lose each other too?” I said.

Junhoe heavily sighed as he sat on the patio, bowing down on his lap, hiding his face away from Bobby and me. Bobby did not even stare at Junhoe or at me, he turned around and I stared at his back, giving me a doubt on whether what I did was wrong in some ways.

            I hated the silence, I always did.

“Will you boys stop fighting?! I am trying to sleep!” suddenly a neighbor from the left side of Jinhwan’s house yelled from her balcony that viewed directly to Jinhwan’s backyard.

I turned to the old lady as I forced a smile and apologized to her. “Sorry, mam! W-we’re leaving soon”

            I couldn’t recall if Jinhwan ever had an old lady neighbor living next to his house, or it might be a new one. But if she had lived there all along, maybe she knew where Jinhwan moved to.

“Uh, mam!” I reached her. She turned to me before she went back inside.

“What?!” she said.

“Do-d-do you somehow know where did the family who lived in this house move?” I asked.

“No, I don’t know. They moved away, taking all of their things off with the huge truck. But strange that they never sell this house, they left this house empty for no reason. Huh, rich people! They never appreciate money like we do” she said crossly.

            They never sell the house?

“O-Okay, thank you mam!” I said, but she already slammed the door, left me thinking on my own.

Pain struck my head, trying to get the logic of his disappearance to the tragedy that happened three years ago. What did I say? What did we say to him that night? I rubbed my temple as I turned to Bobby and Junhoe who were already standing in worry, facing me with questions on their mind.

“What does she mean? Jinhwan’s parents never sell the house?” Junhoe asked.

I stared at him. “Well, you heard her.”

“Then this house is abandoned.” Bobby said. “Could it be…he moved to his mansion?”

“But that is thousands miles away! Rhode Island, United States, you know how far it is. He couldn’t be getting out of this country without telling us even in this situation. No matter what, he will come and tell us even with a cold shoulder. This is just not right, something must have happened and we must find out what it is. As soon as possible” I paused. “He…”

I could not take it.

“He… Probably needs us”

Hayi

My Sunday started nicely with a cup of hot lemon tea and Isla Fisher’s Confession of a Shopaholic played on television. How I missed a private time like this, it has been a while since I relax myself a little. My life was a complete mess, certainly I was tired enough to deserve a cup of tea, chick flicks and resting my foot on the sofa. I had no plans for today, I had studied enough yesterday with Lalisa, so I guessed I just had to pass this beautiful Sunday with sleeping around and be unproductive.

            I admired Rebecca Bloom so much, her beauty, her kindness, her optimism and how she finally conquered her obsession towards shopping and moved on in life. Then I stared at myself and the life that I had, and mourning on how plain it was. Rebecca certainly had everything a girl ever wanted, cute clothes, good skin, smooth hair and a dedicated tall blue eyed British man who loved her very much. And as always, like all cheesy romance movies, it ended with a kiss on the sidewalk of New York City—plus, she finally got the green scarf back! I knew it!

            I turned off the television and lay back on the sofa as I gazed at the ceiling. I wished I could have a good story like Rebecca Bloom, I wished I could meet someone as nice as Luke Brandon; I wished I could have her job and her sense of fashion. I wished too much that I forgot to be grateful for what I had, but honestly, every girl would want to have that perfect ideal package of a woman—I could not lie. But the more I thought of it, my life was not plain after all. It just had more bad memories than the good ones. It was just me who was not capable of controlling my own happiness. I chose to believe and put my love in the wrong guy, I did things that I always regret, and I met those whom I never wanted to have in my life.

“I need to change…” I mumbled as I closed my eyes. “I need to change everything”

“What are you planning to change, my dear?” said my mother.

            Did I just hear my mom’s voice?

“Mom?” I said. I got up swiftly and found my mom stood behind the sofa as she stared back at me in confusion. “Mom? What are you doing here?”

“I’m spending my time talking to my daughter in my own house, what could be more obvious, honey?” she said.

I shook my head. “No…I mean-uhm…You’re back?” I asked. She nodded. “When?! Oh my, mom you’re finally back! How was Paris?”

“Yes I’m back, sweetheart. Paris was beautiful as we all know, it can’t be doubted. Though, I wished you were with me, you have to try the culinary and oh! Lord! Not to mention the arts and history that Paris saves deep inside its heart” she said.

            I jumped over the sofa and hugged her tightly.

“Oh mom, so good to hear you had a great time there. And I miss you like, very, very much.” I said giving my puppy eyes to her.

“Hayi, it was just four days!” She laughed as she embraced me back. “Well, I miss you too, sweetheart” she said gently. “So, what were you planning to change, again?” she asked.

“Oh?” I released my embrace and back off a bit. “No, it’s nothing. Just, puberty!” I said as I faked a laugh.

She stared at me again in confusion, I smiled as wide as I could to convince her that I was fine, hopefully she would forget about my mumblings. I guessed the puberty reason was good enough, she let go her glance off me and sighed on her own as she walked back to her room upstairs.

“Okay…Well, the only thing you need to change is your outfit. We’re going to do some grocery shopping, oh and….” She stopped on the stairs. “I bought you some clothes and pastries from Paris, you should try on some” she left me a smile and continued.

            What?

I was surprised to see her today. Was this Sunday really blessed, or something just got better today? I could not wish for more than a Sunday well spent with my mom. We were actually going to do grocery shopping together, at last. She was always busy taking care of her new business in the city that she did not have time to spend with me. Our maid would always do the grocery shopping, but this time, she would do it alone—no, she would do it with me. Maybe this was the start of the change, maybe my mom was getting less busy than before, I should never waste this moment. Forgot about those sick love and heartbreaks, my mom was taking me to do grocery shopping!

            I wore a black jacket over a red top with a cream-colored pants and black boots. I let my hair unraveled and set on a tiny bit of my Victoria’s Secret fragrance that my dad sent me from Manhattan. So this was what a grocery shop looked like, foods, vegetables, meats, cashiers and trolleys. I helped my mom pushing the trolley as I followed her going corners of the shop to get some ingredients and snacks. I enjoyed this moment as if I would not have it again, but seriously, I could go to grocery shop every day, but not with my mom.

            She wore a brown cardigan and a cream-colored skirt, the same color as my pants. She made a bun on her hair that fit perfectly with a black clip shaped of flower. I watched her back from where I stood behind the trolley and admired her as much as I wanted.

“What? Why are you smiling like that?” she turned to me as she held a bottle of Vinegar. She smiled too. “You seem happy” she said.

“Yes, I’m happy” I said.

“You like grocery shopping with me?” she asked. She walked slowly towards the end of the aisle and took turn. I pushed the trolley and walked with her.

“Yes, I like it so much, mom” I said. “You’ve been so busy lately and now we’re actually spending time together! What did Paris do to you?” I continued jokingly.

“Paris did nothing to me.” She smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re happy” she said.

My phone suddenly vibrated inside my bag. Little did I hope it was a phone call from Mino, I turned off my phone for the whole day yesterday, partly it was an obligation from Lalisa, but it helped me focus on my studies rather than worrying about Mino. But since I turned it on this morning, I’ve been expecting an apology call or text from him, or maybe voice mails or anything, but nothing came to my notifications.

            I took my phone and excused myself to my mom for taking this call, if it was from Mino, then I might have to get some space to talk without being heard by my mom. But as I walked a bit further, I stared at the screen of my phone only to be disappointed by the caller. It was written SYH, who the hell was SYH? How did this contact ended up in my phone?

            I hesitated at first, but this call could be important. Oh hell, what could be so important? I did not even know who this SYH was. I wanted to find out though, so I braved myself and picked up the phone call, there was nothing to lose anyway. I just had to ask then delete this number.

“Hello?” I said.

“Lee Hayi-ssi?” it was a voice of a man that I hardly recognized.

“Yes, it’s me."

"Finally! You pick up! Glad to know you're safe" 

"Wh-who is this? Your number is listed in my contact as SYH but i-I don’t know…” I asked.

“It’s Song Yunhyeong.” This was not good. “Remember? I saved my number on your phone a few weeks ago, when we first met, in the café” yes, he did. I completely forgot about that, about what this creep did to me. I sighed.

“Yea, I remember.” I said lazily. “What do you want?”

“Chill out, I just want to know if you’re alright. Our farewell on Friday night left me an uncomfortable feeling, are you okay though? You didn’t pick up my call after you left and you didn’t reply my text messages. Did you go home safely?—no, did you seriously walk to your home that night?” he said.

“You texted me?” I asked.

“yeah, you didn’t see it?”

“Well, here I am, shopping with my mom. I guess I went home safely—I can’t remember exactly how but I am alright.” I said. I could almost hear his smile on the other line.

 This was not good, I should have not picked it up, I didn’t feel right with talking to him through phone call as if we were that close and important to each other, but we were not. Our meeting was crazy and he was the cause of all of this mess, I should have not talked to him.

“You know, this is not right. I…” I paused. “I can’t talk to you like this”

“Like what? Everything is good, what are you complaining of?”

“You know! Through phone.” I yelled a bit. He laughed.

“Then you probably just have to reply my text” he hung up.

Who was he to hang up before me? I thought he was the one who called me. Did he know the manners of calling someone through phone? I took a deep breath as I walked back to my mom. I checked my text messages notifications and found approximately ten text messages and those were all from SYH.

From: SYH (23.09)

Lee Hayi-ssi, where are you? Pick up the phone call!

From: SYH (23.20)

Lee Hayi-ssi are you alright? Where are you? Pick up the phone call! I’m taking you home

From: SYH (00.12)

Lee Hayi-ssi you don’t seriously walk home, do you? It’s not safe

From: SYH (00.30)

Are you alright? Are you at home already? Please text back

From: SYH (01.04)

I can’t sleep. Text back asap

From: SYH (03.40)

I’m still awake, can’t really sleep without knowing if you’re safe or not. Text back.

From: SYH (06.51)

Lee Hayi-ssi, I’m sorry. You said I was wrong, but the truth is I don’t really know what I did that makes you so angry. For whatever that is, I’m truly sorry. Please text me back, I’m still waiting

From: SYH (07.28)

Lee Hayi-ssi please tell me if you’re okay. That’s the only thing I ask

From: SYH (07.36)

I’m sorry Lee Hayi-ssi, but I still don’t know where I did wrong. Text back

From: SYH (08.11)

Please forgive me

                 And I smiled for no reason.

Hello! I am currently on a hiatus because of my final year's tight schedule and i've been busy with exams and assignments that i have no time to write anymore :( But since i am having a couple of days off, i decided to update earlier than i've scheduled :) AND OUR iKON FINALLY DEBUT! AHDJDHFWOIEHFBF I AM SO HAPPY I DIED. The MVs are amazing and the songs they made are magical! LET'S PATIENTLY WAIT FOR THE FULL ALBUM ON 1 NOV :D Which song is your favorite? Mine are My Type and Welcome Back, those are literally what i expect from them GOSHHHHHH I AM PROUD TO CALL MYSELF IKONIC! :) THE LONG WAIT HAS BEEN PAID REALLY WELL

ps: sorry for the caps and the hyperventilating, i just really need to share my happiness with you :D Oh and thank you for your lovely comments! and welcome new subscribers! :D

Vote, subscribes, and comment! :)