Hayi

“My name is Kim Hanbin”

Betrayed was the correct portrayal for what I got just now, from the guy that I had been silently lurking on, that I disliked the most out of the persons whom I hated in my entire life. Yes, I felt betrayed, for some reasons, it felt like you’ve got hit by a truck but at the same time, you were as happy as when Archimedes finally discovered his theory of fluid, what was the word again? Yes, EUREKA!

            I looked at him bluntly as I was processing what he told me, he revealed his name as easy as that, and all I could have ever done was to just ask. Stupid, idiot, full of regret, I called him with a name he faked and he looked down on me as if I was some dummies who got over the top of her confidence, out of nowhere, I, without hesitating, and truthfully accidentally, called him B.I. He looked like a bully, laughing at my stupidity and I was embarrassed, my cheeks probably gone red, but who cares about that when your dignity was on its edge? Seeing his laugh made me hate him even worse, I wanted to tell him to stop but that would be the same as surrendering, or maybe, I was just over reacting inside my own mind, because I was that embarrassed—I had no idea on how to act.

“Lee Hayi?” he waved on my face. I was dumbfounded. “Come on, we have to continue our practice” he poked his head away.

I shook my head slightly and glared at him. He knew I was unhappy. “You don’t have to keep telling me what to do” I headed to Lalisa and Chaeyoung, leaving him behind.

“What? You’re mad at me?” he yelled and I stopped, feeling his sense on my back, I turned back at him and rolled my eyes.

“No, I’m not.” I sighed. “Why should i?” I raised both of my arms.

That was a lie, though. I was furious for an unreasonable cause, it was me, and I was the only one to blame. One other thing I regret of doing, like always, I was at an emergency on avoiding myself from doing stuff without thinking about what it caused firstly. But it seemed difficult because I tended to be reactive on anything. I knew then it was a kind of bad behavior that I needed to change—immediately.

He mimicked me, raising both of his arms too and his face got disturbing the more I looked at it. “I don’t know! But you seem…” he paused.

“What?” I confronted him. “What are you going to jibe me this time?”

“You seem…” still not completing his sentence. “Unsatisfied” he stated.

            What was this kid trying to say?

“Wha…oh my…what? Unsatisfied?” I rolled my eyes. “What is that supposed to mean, anyway?!”

            I turned around and continued heading to Lalisa and Chaeyoung. Leaving him behind me and all the crazy things he craved to say to me. I began to be disinterested on his thought, what he shared to me up in the music room might be heart whelming but down here, in my territory, he was just another basket case kid who never stop complaining, judging, and making nonsense statements about their surroundings. I might sound as if I was judging too, but he was just unbelievable and I would never plan on carrying this thing further with him. Enough was enough, I let his voice became inaudible as I walked.

“You’re not fine with being introduced to me?” he said, making me stop for once more. “I thought you were asking yourself who I am and what I am called!” he yelled.

I was about to turned to him, again, but my eyes were caught by Lalisa who had been stealing glances at me and Hanbin, and I just realized at this moment, that people around me might be paying attention to the scene I had with him—talking, interacting, possibly yelling at each other, and they wondered what might happened, at least that was what I got from reading Lalila’s gesture when her eyes found me.

            The last thing I did was turning to Hanbin, I felt the need to tell him that this conversation should end immediately because things were going out of place the more i talk to him—I felt that and I knew it would be out of place. Did not matter how careless his disposition was and even if the truth said those people weren’t actually paying attention to us, I still wanted our little interaction to end. But before I could speak out, he sighed as he bowed to both of his knees and when he got up, the look in his eyes was deathly.

“I knew it” he muttered. “I knew you’re going to act like this” he spoke loud enough for me to hear this time. “It’s a shame for me” he talked as if he wanted to tell me that I was wrong, he was putting himself as the victim by talking how shameful he was for probably standing in front of me.

“What did you say?” I walked closer to him as I tried to find his eyes but his eyes were wilding around to the crowd around us before it finally stopped on someone or something and he began to narrow it—I was not even interested in what he saw, but it must be something important. I knocked my mind out and brought myself back to the point.

“Ya, Kim Hanbin! Listen, don’t put yourself down as if you’re the one who got hurt, okay? I got hurt because you jibed me a whole lot amount of filthy things you can ever say to me, at least that’s all I remember about you, and I should be the one who got hurt and that is pretty much why I don’t want to talk to you!”

“So, you agree that you don’t want to talk to me?” his stare went back at me too quick for me to even realize it and my mind got paralyzed because I was not ready to give another argument. I was planning to dramatically walk away but for God’s sake what was I thinking? “Yes, you don’t walk to talk to me, do you?” I stared at him bluntly.

“Just say yes if it’s true!” his voice got a bit louder. “I don’t mind with it! That’s how the rule goes anyway, right? The princess is forbidden to talk with a bandit, really, that’s what you think of me, right?”

Little did I knew, I avoided his eyes because I was afraid. I was afraid that what he said was true, I was afraid to admit it was true, because hearing that statement from his mouth made it sound nasty. But that was how life goes in this society and we were used to it, but when he said it to my face, somehow, it all felt strange and I was afraid to look at him—and myself.

“Well, maybe you have to take a look on what I saw earlier” he poked his head to his left, directing me to where his eyes stopped before and I gasped inside when I found Song Mino, the guy who still had the boyfriend of Lee Hayi title carved on his name, was staring back at me and Hanbin in not a so happy face.

            It was the same kind of look that he got me earlier before PE in the hallway. I began to be familiar to it but it still gave me an uneasy feeling. It got me thinking if it was me instead of him who hurt one another. Because looking at the situation, he didn’t have any tangling next to him and I had a stranger who stood close to me and this stranger actually taught me how to play Baseball in a low level of intimacy. If it was really what went into Mino’s mind then things were really going out of place and I needed to leave quick.

“It’s too late to deny things, you know? Just imagine what he thinks about his girlfriend hanging out with some school bandit. I can’t even guarantee you and him will still be a thing tomorrow”

I shot a death glare at Hanbin, and everything exploded.

“Stop! Seriously!” I yelled at him. “What is your point by telling me all of this?!” he got silent. “You like to hurt me so much, don’t you? It gives you pleasure, doesn’t it? By knocking me down with those negative thinking about my surrounding, well you know what? My friends, my boyfriend and everything about me doesn’t matter to you, you have no business on judging them and I will not let you play with my mind and give me wrong choices in life!” I took a breath. “Yes, my life is not perfect and so is yours, but after what you told me in the music room, did I ever judge you for that? No! So stop talking to me and leave me alone!”

By that, I took off my glove and threw it to the ground. I lost all of my strength to give one last look to my surrounding, to Lalisa, to Jennie, to Mino and to Hanbin. My emotion got full control of me and I made my way to Mr. Park to permit myself from continuing PE with the excuse of feeling dizzy because of the ball that hit me to the ground earlier. Then I left to get my things in the locker room and I was finally out of the field, away from everyone—away from Hanbin.

Hanbin

I could never be happier than now. The lord must have loved me wholly that He gave me this one rare chance of being close to her, for one more time. I had this for three times already, first in the music room, second in the street and third was now, right in this moment. When everything seemed to be falling apart, my life, my past, my friends and my head, she appeared in the right time, like a heroine, she got me high, away from my problems.

            When I came back from the equipment shack, the feeling was indescribable, to see the fact that Lee Hayi was placed in the same group as I was. Luck, I supposed, it was a hundred percent luck—it was not fate; just a great luck of mine. But I needed to stay calm as best as I could and tried not looking so obvious that I was in fact nervous of having her around.

            I was used to see her by the distance and to suddenly have her around me gave me a bit of pressure on how to act normally and not being awkwardly nervous. The shock in her eyes was exactly the same kind of shock I had when I found her presence. I couldn’t tell if this would be the best two and a half hours in my life or it would be the opposite. I was happy to see her—she was not. I knew it would flip around once she realized my presence gave a bad impact on her reputation and I knew she had realized it once I became the group leader and I was responsible of her—at least in PE matters.

            I wanted to be selfish for once in a time, I wanted to have her because I couldn’t guarantee; no one could guarantee there would be a second chance of having her close to me. Talking and doing normal things with her outside the shadow of the music room upstairs. This was the moment I would never let go that I wouldn’t waste.

“My name is Kim Hanbin” I said that awkwardly.

What was I thinking? Certainly, it was unnecessary to introduce myself like that, I even offered her for a hand shake which she refused soon after—of course she did. Not stuttering was a good move but being weird was the worst case. I could see her eyes, judging me for what I did, and I became embarrassed because it was that embarrassing.

            I looked around and got myself to the right track. We needed to continue our practice or else Mr. Park would scold me for playing around. I reminded her that and she became sensitive. I guessed that was it, she went back to her previous disposition, the kind of disposition that went under the influence of our messed up society, stereotypes and whatsoever. I hated to be reminded of that, as if it was something that could not be removed out of us. Our titles, our places, what was so important of that? But making her feel uncomfortable was the last thing I would do for her and I swore I would lose everything to give her anything she ever wanted and needed. I backed off and let her do what she needed to do.

            When she walked away from me, I muttered to myself. “I knew it” and she noticed it. I thought it was low enough for her not to hear it but she did. She went back to me and I let her see what my thoughts had been tingling of since she uncovered her disgusting disposition that her friends made inside of her.

“I knew you’re going to act like this” I said it to her. “It’s a shame for me” and I avoided her eyes because I regret what I just said.

She yelled at me because I deserved it. I looked around as I listened to every word she said, then my eyes stopped on someone. A pair of eyes, glared at me from across the field, and I glared at him back. I was not scared—I would never be afraid no matter if he was Lee Hayi’s boyfriend or not. Song Mino would not be happy to see me and Hayi talking to each other like this, especially if he saw what I did to her earlier, the intimacy I had with Hayi that would make his head blow out; and that was exactly what I found when I looked at his face.

            After I let her saw him, I knew—I knew exactly she would hate me, I knew she would never forgive me, for all the things I had done to her. She left and I stood alone as my heart broke into pieces, because I knew I had wasted the chance for creating hatred inside of her towards me. People made stupid decisions but mine was worse. I was like that, endlessly disappointing myself, making people leave and hate me. There was no in between, Kim Jinhwan and Lee Hayi, why couldn’t I keep them stay?

            I continued PE with an uneasy feeling of Hayi. I messed it up and she would never come back, not even to the music room maybe. She would just go back to her life and I knew, I made sure she would not catch me up in the hallway or having a time to talk with me because that was pretty much what she wanted. I had to back off and disappeared for once more. She would still be in the same group as I was the next time we have PE, but I would be careless—I would try to ignore her as best as I could.

“Ay, man” Bobby suddenly approached and greeted me. “See you got something good here” he referred to Hayi, I thought so; he came to speak about her.

“Nah, there’s nothing to be happy for” I plainly said.

The smile on his face faded as he came closer to me. “What? What’s the matter?” he concerned.

“She hates me, period.” I walked around and gathered the equipment, PE was over and I had to tidy the equipment my group used earlier, alone. Bobby followed me behind as he helped me gather these things.

“You did something bad to her, didn’t you?” he asked, I nodded.

“Yeah, pretty much.” I stood still for a second before taking the gloves, “I mean, seriously. I think she is pressured by her reputation and stuff.” I continued.

Bobby handed the balls to me and I put it inside the net filled with the other equipment. “I don’t think so. Maybe it’s just you. Maybe she is pressured by you, I mean, you two never really become friends. She thinks you’re a stranger so that’s why she builds up the huge wall between you and her.” He gestured a squared wall with his hands. “It’s normal for a girl”

“Really? You think so?” I said.

“Yeah, there’s nothing to be worried about.” He patted my shoulder and gave me a smile, and I smiled too in return.

My smile suddenly faded. Behind Bobby, there were Song Mino and his minions walking towards us in a not so happy faces. The field was almost empty since everybody was heading home, but then, there were left me, Bobby and the surprisingly Song Mino who seemed had finally noticed me and was actually brave enough to be fronting on me and Bobby.

            I watched Bobby took his concern too over the changes on my facial expression and he turned around to see where my eyes were setting on. I stood still and focused my view on Song Mino. I was ready for whatever he would say regarding to Hayi, but I was not certain if Hayi would only be the case.

“Hey” I said calmly, “Do you guys need something?” I gave them a smile as if nothing happened.

“Oh please, cut the down” one of his minions said. Mino shushed him off and stepped forward. His furious eyes were still locked on mine, but I acted like I was not bothered by it, I continuously smiled.

“Geez, man, don’t be so harsh. I was just asking” I said. “So what’s the matter?” I nodded my head.

“Stay away from Hayi” Mino finally spoke and I knew those were the words he was going to say. What else could it be?

“What?” I pretended I didn’t hear. He sighed.

“Listen to me carefully, you punk. Stay away from my girlfriend or else…”

“Or else what?” I cut him off. “What? What are you going to do?”

He walked closer to me, “This isn’t a joke, okay? You come closer to Hayi again, I swear you won’t be satisfied with what you get for the rest of your year in this school”

“What? You’re going to mock me? Play pranks on me? Talk s about me to the whole school? Please, that is pathetic” I laughed.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to shut you up.” He leaned on me and said, “Look, I’m sure you know this already but I’m just going to say it to your face.” He paused. “You’re not going to get her.” He continued.

“And why I’m not going to get her?” I said.

He backed himself and laughed. “I mean look at you! You’re so far below her; you think she will ever want to be with you?”

I raised my shoulders and said, “Why not?” he got silent. “I mean, things can change, right?”

“Oh yeah, things can change. The only thing that can change from you by getting close to Hayi is your reputation. You can never be popular by being with her, okay? First, because she doesn’t want to, and second, it’s because she has me” he said pointing to himself. “So back off”

He turned around and was about to leave me. But I got something good to say that could keep him stay, and probably mad, I thought it was going to be a good thing to see and so, I said it. “It’s so funny to see the hypocrisy in your attitude, Song Mino-ssi”

And he stopped. “I think I know someone who is able to do such thing to Hayi.” I rolled my eyes pretending to think as I tapped my finger to my chin. “Who is this person?” he stopped but he didn’t turn to me, he was thinking, I played with his mind and it worked. “Maybe you can tell me Song Mino-ssi”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he was offended.

“Really? You don’t know? I thought you know it best!” I provoked. That was enough to get him boiled.

Mino turned around and attacked me. He gave me one good punch on the face, I almost fell down but Bobby restrained me quick. I checked if the punch got me bleeding—and it did, right on the corner of my upper lips.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he said as if he was declaring it.

“Oh, I think you do.” I got up and walked closer to him. “I guess it is clear enough by the way you punched me. You know, if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it.”

 “You’re dead” he glared at me. “You’re so dead” he was about to punch me again, he was lifting his arm high when suddenly a hand stopped him from doing so.

It was Kim Donghyuk, the school president whom I met earlier this afternoon and also my group mate in PE today, alongside with Hayi. He stopped Mino from punching me; I was thankful and also surprised to see him here. Thought he saw what Mino did earlier and felt the responsibility to keep the students away from problems, since he was the school president after all.

“Stop” he said to Mino. “If there is nothing good you’re going to do here then I suggest you should probably go home.” Mino didn’t move “Go home or I will get you to detention” Donghyuk threaten him. “And this means you too” he referred to me and Bobby.

Mino forcefully released his arm from Donghyuk’s grip and tidying his clothes up before saying his last words to me. “We’re not done” his finger was pointed on me.

I nodded and gave him a reply, “You know, you don’t need to worry about anything!” he listened,

“She is not even my type!” I said.

Mino smirked as he turned around to leave. I watched his back going further and further as I regret for what I just said.

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