Graze / Taemin
SHINee Songfic Oneshots
All in Taemin's POV. Watch the vid with english trans
{GRAZE}
You gave me
You gave me heartbreak
I was in college when I met her.
Both of us were irregular students but we shared most classes. It was easy to become friends and soon, we fell in love with each other afterwards.
For the rest of our college days, we were always together and we were happy. Everything seemed so perfect and everyone expected that we would end up married. We already had our plans and all that was missing was the right time.
Until one day, we became busy with our future. We would graduate soon so we had to complete requirements. Those were not simple requirements to fulfill but something we really had to pour all our time and effort into.
"I can understand, it's for both of us, sweetie," she told me.
We seldom meet or talk then prior to our graduation day. All of our hardwork paid off though, and we both received our diplomas with flying colors.
After we tossed our graduation caps overhead in rejoice, I searched for her in the sea of black toga. As soon as I spotted her, I pulled her into a tight embrace.
"Congratulations, my Taehee," I whispered to her ear. "Few more years and we'll be able to make our dreams happen."
She broke the hug quicker than I would have wanted to, for I missed her so much after the brief spell of not seeing her nor talking to her these past weeks.
"Congratulations, Taemin," she said with a somewhat forced smile. "Yeah ..."
I didn't mind her acts and the fact that she didn't call me sweetie at all. She must be so tired, maybe that's why. I simply let that pass.
If I only knew that that would be the last time I could hold her and see her ...
She grazes past me
She grows more distant
The girl I liked so much
With her back turned
She looks back at me
I feel somewhat pitiful
(But I force that feeling down)
It has been years.
In my old dreams, this would have been the day that I would propose for her to be my wife. But it's impossible now.
After all this time, I tried to forget all about her and just get along with my life. I threw away old memoirs and avoided the places where I could only recall our past. I busied myself with work, here in a business firm, as part of the advertising department. Little by little, I was able to cope and piece together my broken heart.
"External affairs department just had a new employee," our department head, Sir Key, whom I can get along well with, announced. "And guess who she is? My girlfriend!"
I looked up from the monitor where I was doing a presentation. "Really?" I said interestedly. "Then you'll be more inspired, won't you, Sir?"
"Sure, sure," he said happily. "Would you like to have lunch with us later?" he offered. "I want you to meet her."
"Not now, Sir. You'd want to spend her first day here together. And, I'm not yet done with this presentation," I said.
"You're kind of right ... Well, maybe next time."
I nodded and went back to work.
Later on, everyone was getting up for lunch but I didn't move from my seat.
"You really don't want to come?" Sir Key persuaded me more but my decision was firm. "Oh well ... Oh!" he exclaimed suddenly. "Here she is!"
I looked around the doorway.
From there stood Taehee.
She was yards away from me, the room being so big and wide, but I couldn't mistake her for someone else.
For a moment, we caught each other's eye but when Sir Key reached her, she had no eyes for anyone else anymore.
I quickly swiveled my chair around to face my computer again, breathing heavily as my chest banged against my ribs.
Is that man next to you better looking than me?
Even the way you look is so different now
Taehee, my Taehee -- Sir Key's girlfriend? Somehow, my brain couldn't process the information.
My hands shook as I held the mouse that the cursor on-screen was actually quivering. I felt suddenly weak and I couldn't think straight. I know this restlessness had nothing to do with hunger because I don't seem to have insides at all.
I let go of the mouse and slumped on my desk, unable to sit up straight anymore.
Of all people and of all places, why ...?
She grazes past me while holding onto his hand
She grows more distant, wearing more makeup than usual
I wasn't there, was I? Since the beginning
I was always only a convenient friend
They were already out of my sight but the image of them was still imprinted on my retina.
Years had passed and she has changed a lot since then. The Taehee I knew looked so different now than when I last saw her in that lonely graduation day.
Her long straight hair became elegantly curled and her eyes sparkle like she never remorsed our sudden fall apart. Her cheeks had unnatural blush in them, something I have never seen before.
And after all this time, I was under the impression that I had successfully moved on, but no. I may have forgotten her for a while but the feelings of love I have for her still remains.
I was only a comfortable friend
My love was only a passing thought
Why was it so easy for her to replace me in her heart? Where did all our happy memories go?
As I slumped there, my mind was suddenly flooded with thoughts of her. We used to eat together, spend our free time under a tree while talking of random things about our lives and our future. We had pictured what our children would look lik, already chosen a beautiful name for them, and it was colorful. Now, as I recalled all of it, everything was black and white, and faded.
"I told you, you should have come with us!" Look at you, you look so hungry," Sir Key said.
Startled, I jumped a little but I dared not look around in case Taehee was still with him.
"It was a nice lunch with her. Pity, you didn't meet her. She's back at work, of course."
I didn't realize the time. So lunch break is over? I lifted my head and faked a smile. "Yeah ... I just felt a little dizzy but I'm fine. I'll finish this now."
She grazes past me
She grows more distant
The girl who has become so much more beautiful
No anger forms within me
Only speechlessness
This feeling is pathetic
(But I force it down)
The following day, I was supposed to present a proposal. It was an advertising strategy I thought of for the past week and so I was hoping everything would work properly.
I nervously set up the conference hall and went with my presentation over and over again inside my head. There's no room for mistake if I really wanted to get the promotion I've been waiting for.
The time came and people from different departments entered the hall expectantly.
Taking a deep, calming breath, I turned the projector on and began my presentation.
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am Lee Taemin from the Advertising Department and this is my project proposal ..."
As I discussed the points of my proposal, some of my nerves subsided because it was going on as planned until one more look all over the faces in the hall that I faltered.
Taehee, jotting down some notes.
She was beside Sir Key and I didn't notice her immediately because of the curly fringe that was hiding half of her beautiful face.
She heard me stammer -- she looked up and our eyes met. In her expression, there was no trace that she recognizes me at all. This was one of the many things I liked about her, she was really professional an serious with work even when we were still in college.
Is that man next to you richer than me?
Even the way you look is so different now
Here I was again.
My legs felt like they were marshmallows. The papers I was clutching almost slipped out of my shaking grip and I didn't know what to say next. My heart pound hard as if they wanted to get out of my chest.
Sir Key, I saw at the edge of my vision, raised his brows and signaled for me to continue.
I cleared my throat and tried hard to have my mind back to what I was supposed to be doing.
"Ah ... yes, as I was saying ..."
It was as if my eyes were glued to hers and this didn't help at all. she stood suddenly and excused herself out of the room.
She grazes past me while holding onto his hand
She grows more distant, wearing more makeup than usual
I wasn't there, was I? Since the beginning
I was always only a convenient friend
Back in my desk after the disastrous presentation, I sat down dazedly.
"What happened to you?" Sir Key said angrily. "You almost made it, Lee! How could you mess up!"
I just let his words wash over me -- I don't care.
"I'm sorry, Sir," I said, just to shut him up.
He finally left. Silence, but for the little mumblings of the others in the room.
How could Taehee look at me like that as though she didn't know me? Didn't all of our years together before return to her as she gazed at me with her cold eyes?
Because a t the very mention of her name, I was pulled back in time and again, I was reminded of my undying love for her.
So what exactly is the difference between that guy and me?
Why do her eyes and movements not want me too?
Caught up in my own thoughts
That girl has become like air
She's passed me by
My tears
The clock ticked four o' clock in the afternoon and finally, I could go home.
After organizing my in-tray of all the things I would have to finish for the next day, I took my bag and went out of the room.
I absent-mindedly made my way towards the lobby. Up ahead of me, I saw two very familiar figures near the exit: Sir Key and Taehee.
As usual, whenever I see them, I fell weak and hollow inside.
I stopped in my tracks and watched the sweetness of their every move, in spite of myself. I could not hear them, being this far, but little voices spoke inside my head, dubbing their mouth movements.
"Goodbye, my Taehee! Take care! I love you!"
"Goodbye, Key! Be safe! And I love you more!"
Those were the farewells we used to exchange before departing from each other, years and years ago.
What was with Key that was not in me? Of course, he was a lot more handsome and definitely richer. He was head of the department. Me? I'm a nobody. I'm not looking good enough for her and I don't have lots of money. I couldn't even think straight in a simple presentation because I was easily distracted.
But could he love her the way I did? If the time comes and she left him as well without proper closure, perhaps he would instantly be able to find another one better than her. However, for me, no one is going to be better than Taehee. She is the best thing that has ever happened to my miserable life.
If Taehee is happy with him now, who am I to ruin it for her? I just hope she knows how broken I've become since she suddenly ended our relationship.
Have you tried thinking about me
Given any thought about me
The times we stayed together like lovers flying free
I still love you
Seems like I should forget you
But when I see the picture that we took together
I can't ever forget you
When I reached home, an hour later, I locked myself up inside my room. Without intending to, I just found myself opening the covers of our yearbook.
As I turn one page after another, looking at the black and white images of our batchmates, I could hear them saying things like "I'll be the maid-of-honor in your wedding, okay?" "Then I'll be the bestman!" "Can I apply as you first born's godmother?" "I want to be the second one's godfather!"
I smiled a little. The invitation was already finished before I even proposed! We planned to have our batch's reunion on our wedding day, wouldn't that be nice? But no, these plans were already ashes. No wedding would take place anymore.
I turned a few more pages and down the floor near my feet slid two pictures.
One was taken during our educational tour, years ago. A selca of Taehee and myself as we were happily munching on our snacks. She had a funny expression on her face, frozen in this old photopaper.
The other one was a stolen shot of Taehee as she was reading a book. She didn't know that I took this picture
These two were the only ones left: I have burned the others.
I guess I'll have to throw away these two last pictures though, for as I look at it, large drops of tears blotted our printed faces.
What is it that I lack that your new man has?
I could have been better for you than anyone
Then again, recurring thoughts filled my mind. What was wrong with me that made her leave just like that? Without even a single goodbye? Without closure? She just left me hanging, the reason why I can't get over her after all this time.
Thinking of these things made it hard for me to breathe so I lay in bed and closed my eyes, fearing the next time that I would see her again and I'd be broken once more.
She grazes past me while holding onto his hand
She grows more distant, wearing more makeup than usual
I wasn't there, was I? Since the beginning
I was always only a convenient friend
After the disastrous presentation and him being the new boyfriend of the girl that I like so much, I grew cold and distant towards Sir Key but since he was the kind of person who easily forgets, he became more friendly, the more I try to avoid him. I sighed, remembering that we were closer to each other more than anyone in our department even if he was my boss.
"Ah, Taehee couldn't come and have lunch with me today, she's too busy. Wanna come instead?" he asked me.
I have rejected his offers before, trying to escape from seeing Taehee with him but I guess I couldn't this time and she's not coming with him anyway so I agreed, although I feel a bit awkward.
"Sir, I'll be the one to order," I volunteered, upon arriving at the fast food chain nearby.
"Sure," he said. "You may leave your things here, I'll look after them."
I did as he said; it will lessen the burden. It took me a while to order at the counter, When the transaction was finished, I returned to our table, bearing the tray of our lunch.
For the rest of our lunch break, he talked of no one but Taehee, being unintentionally sarcastic. I never dared to mention to him that she happened to be my ex-girlfriend and by the way he shares stories, it seemed that Taehee didn't tell him anything as well.
I just nodded at his every pause, not really comprehending his words.
At five to one in the afternoon, we returned to the office and he was still talking. I felt my cellphone vibrate inside my bag so I took it out to read the new message:
Okay, sweetie. I love you too! :)
My heart skipped a beat upon seeing the name of the sender, who still hasn't changed her number.
Taehee.
" ... it was so funny. Oh," Sir Key said. "I forgot to tell you. I borrowed your phone a while ago to send a message -- mine's broken -- Did she reply?"
I pushed my phone into his hands. "Yes," I said, feeling my hopes crashing down.
She grazes past me while holding onto his hand
She grows more distant, wearing more makeup than usual
I wasn't there, was I? Since the beginning
I was always only a convenient friend
How silly it was to think that the message was for me!
That moment, I wanted to punch Sir Key -- that Key -- across the face for using my phone and giving me false hope! As if my life wasn't already broken because of their relationship ...
How many times do I have to endure this? If I could only talk to her again and ask her of all the many things that I wanted to be answered, the questions that kept my mind buzzing, I would ...
The girl who stole my heart grazes past me
Her sweet fragrance leaves me
The tears flowing from my heart
I force them back down
Will she ever understand my crumbling heart?
If I wanted to end this agony, I should accept the fact that I could no longer have her back to me. She has left me. All I could do is to force my feelings for her back down although my heart is crumbling into million pieces ...
This has been my mantra, to no effect. Even if I try to brainwash myself, my heart still prevails, and what it wants is to continue loving her until its final beat.
I can still love her from afar, can't I? Now matter how frustrating it is ...
The tears flowing from my heart
I force them back down
Will she ever understand my crumbling heart?
No. She will never understand my crumbling heart.
But I wanted to understand hers. Just give me an opportunity to talk to her.
The elevator I was riding halted at the 28th floor and almost everyone in it came out when the doors slid open. Only two were left inside as it ascended again: Myself and --
Taehee.
EmanneArdeeSy imnida~
Graze ... Graze ... I'm so inspired, writing this songfic because I can relate to it so well!
Of course, TAEMINishi knows the backstory ^^ Writing, indeed, is a great form of self-expression.
Ah, it's full of Taemin's heartbreaks ...
I'm sorry for my late update, many problems arose this week that I don't know which to attend to first. And, we're quite busy at school. But here it is and I hope you like it. As always, we look forward to reading your comments, especially the nice, long ones. Kekekeke~
I'm surprised you didn't even ask for the Juliette cover TAEMINishi and I did! She has a cute voice, you know, especially whenever she sings "Juliette, oh~!" and I think it was my best Minho rap so far! *practicing A.Mi.Go. rap*
Okay. Someone stop me. I'm very talkative.
-- EASy ♥
These are the things that I want him to know since he has gone. Without so much as a goodbye.
...
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