I stared up at the dark ceiling that seemed to become increasingly closer with every thought that ran through my head, falling down on me and suffocating me. But it was only my imagination, my loneliness that provoked those thoughts of being closed in like a caged animal with no chance of escape. The tears slid down my cheeks soundlessly as a heavy feeling settled in my chest. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as to not wake up Jackson who was snoring lightly only two feet away.

It felt like my thoughts were drowning me. It was at these times that I wish that a distraction would take place to save me from my own destructive thoughts. But nothing could save me this time as I was forced to face my own consciousness, my own nightmare that I only pushed away during the day. The feeling of loneliness haunted me when I was alone and when I was with others, it was inescapable, a prison door that remained locked with no key.

People say that being single is ideal. But how can something so ideal be so crushing? How is it possible that I so desperately want something that I have never experienced and can’t begin to understand? Why am I left sitting at the singles table? Am I too independent? Am I too loud? Am I too opinionated? Am I too tall? Is it me? What am I doing wrong? These were the questions that I could not escape from, that followed me around like a colony of bees waiting for their chance to strike at my most vulnerable moments. And that moment was now.

I never used to feel lonely. Alone? Absolutely. But there’s more to loneliness. You can be alone without being sad, without aching in a way that a human being doesn't understand. Loneliness is different. You can be in a room filled with your favourite people in the world and loneliness can still sneak it’s devilish little hand in and prey on you. Lonelines