The butterflies in my stomach hadn't died down. I was excited. 

"Lee Hyun Ae, Yesterday's Different from Today by Kim Ji Eun!" The MC introduced me enthusiastically. 

The smoke machines silently simultaneously with the music. I heard their muffled purr. My ankles were covered by the smoke. The butterflies were going crazy now. Hitting all sides of my stomach. Twisting and bumping. 

The music was slow and I knew that everyone in the waiting room was confused. This was a love song. Technically, this was dedicated to my dad but it wasn't exactly about him. 

I gathered as much sound as I could from the back of my throat. I hummed the first few notes into the microphone, my eyes closed.   

I slowly opened my eyes again. I felt a slight stinging in my eyes. 

"Can you smile for me a bit,

"how today's different from yesterday,

"I can't stand it anymore. Say what you need to say to me,

"When I meet your gaze that asks me to let you go, my breath gets caught in my throat."

I took a breath. 

"Do I have to be the one to talk first? Then, does that somewhat relieve you of your sorry feelings toward me?"

I couldn't remember the last time my voice was so strong. 

This song usually killed my voice but it seemed so natural that day.

"Even if it's not me, are you happy now?

"Because it's not me, are you able to smile again?

"But there are still so many reasons why I love you,

"If we were to separate like this, what is to become of me?"

My voice felt so strong, powerful. It was like I was trying to reach my dad with my voice. 

"Our relationship in a day changed drastically. Your smiles will probably be my tears."

"Why we had separated, I guess the less I understand, the less painstaking it will be."

My voice was getting even stronger, faster. 

"Rather than trying so hard to forget, it's probably best to wait it out. That's how one day would pass,"

I took a deep breath. Here comes the long note. 

"From now on..."

  Here it was. The long 'no' I could barely make when I practiced. 

My voice seemed to be full of surprises that day. I executed it nearly flawlessly. My voice didn't falter. In fact, it only got stronger. My eyes were squeezed shut and my knuckles turned white from my death grip on the microphone. 

"Seeing you off the way I think is best."

"Even if you were to meet someone who was better than me, they'd probably never be able to love you,"

I lowered my voice. "As much as I did."

My voice picked up again. Finally, it lowered on the ending notes. 

"Were you able to smile again?"

"I should just forget you But I'm still an idiot who loves you beside that, I know nothing of anything else..."

The last notes faded into the air as I closed my eyes and lowered the microphone. 

Suddenly, the butterflies exploded in my stomach again. No one was clapping. Did I really butcher the song that much?

The tears in my eyes that had welled up earlier were on the brink of spilling over. I felt my ears grow hot and my eyes stung. 

I opened my eyes cautiously. People were rising from their seats. I panicked. 

Then it began. 

My fears were quenched when everyone gave me a standing ovation. 

That strange weight on my chest lifted. My muscles instantly relaxed. My eyes cooled down. I felt...enlightened. I bowed. I hoped Dad heard me. 

oOo

"And first place," the MC said. He paused to chuckle and smile. "Lee Hyun Ae."

The applause was much louder than the time I got third. I doubted  that any of them knew my dad was gone. I asked JYP not to reveal anything until I was ready. 

Gunwoo grinned at me, holding his silver microphone. It was the first time he got silver. 

"Finally," he whispered with a smile. 

"I know," I said.  

oOo

"Hello? Oppa? Could you put me on speaker?" I said to the Manager. 

"Sure, just a sec."

I quickly pulled my phone away from my ear when I heard the deafening yelling. 

"Hyun Ae! Sung Gyu called us-" Wooyoung began but Taec cut him off. 

"Waaahhh! Daebak!"

"Taec, shut up."

"Hey, we were going out to eat, you wanna come?" Junho asked. 

"Actually, that's why I called. I can't. I'm gonna stay with my family tonight," I said. 

"Oh."

"It's okay. The rest of the girls are coming. You're going back to your dorm after your family leaves for Seattle, right?" Nichkhun said. 

"Yeah," I said. "I miss them. Are the 2am oppas going to be there too?"

"Yeah."

For some reason, I wasn't too disappointed. I kind of liked having some time with my family. Although it was for all the wrong reasons. 

"Everybody's gonna be there, huh?" I said softly. 

"Well, yeah. But Junsu's coming later." Chansung said into the phone quickly. The others were probably playing keep away with it. 

I perked up. Well, I wasn't bubbly, happy go lucky, skipping in the meadows with unicorns "perky" but more like intrigued. 

"Junsu? He isn't with you guys?" I said, sneaking out into the hallway since I was getting weird glances from the others. There were glances of pity (that annoyed the crap out of me), some of confusion (they probably hadn't heard about my dad) and others were just freaked out for some reason. 

A lot of the girls congratulated me and hugged me earlier, along with the guys, but some didn't. When they usually did. It was odd. Even when I said congrats to Je Il on third he kept walking like he hadn't seen me. I just assumed he didn't hear my tired voice. But he must have seen me. Maybe he had an eye problem. 

I quietly closed the door behind me and tried to clear my head and continued listening to my 2pm oppas. 

"He didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"I know he told Sung Gyu."

"I guess Sung Gyu forgot to tell you."

"Tell me what?" I asked again, a little more peeved this time. 

Suddenly, I knew. 

"That Junsu came-"

"To Rookie Idol. I know," I said. 

"How?" They asked all together. 

Junsu leaned forward to my phone and said, "Because I'm standing right in front of her."

"Ohhhh. Okay. Bye."

My phone beeped. I put it back into my pocket. 

"Well that was strange," I said slightly monotonously. 

"What happened to all that life you had on stage?"Junsu teased.  "Used it all up?"

I looked up at him. He wasn't smirking smugly as usual. He looked sincere. 

I shrugged. "I don't know. I just feel...drained."

"I know how you feel," he said. He scratched his head awkwardly after I didn't answer. "Honestly, that was your best performance so far."

I rubbed my arms uncomfortably. 

He continued. "I don't know what it was. Your dad. The fact that your family was there. Or all that free practice time or what, but something opened your soul. Or something cheesy like that. You sang with everything you had."

I bowed awkwardly. "Thanks. Really. I...just..."

"Wanna see your family?" He prompted. 

"Yeah."

"Follow me."

oOo

My grandmother had tears in her wrinkly, smiling eyes as she patted my head. 

We were at my grandparents' house, where my dad grew up. 

My grandma made my favorite samgyupsal and Mom's favorite kimchi. 

I helped set the table like I did when I was little. 

"Hyun Ae-ah," Young Sang said, setting down a bowl of rice. 

"Yeah?"

"Good job, Koala," he said in English, bringing back my nickname from second grade. I had an obsession with Koalas. 

I chuckled quietly. "Thanks. You know. Everyone's been telling me that and I know I did well but..."

"You just wish you had sung that well for different reasons?" Young Sang finished for me. 

I nodded. 

"We all feel like that sometimes," he said. "You know when we were little and you would try out all the sports that I did, just so you could compete with me?"

I smiled wistfully and nodded. 

"You fell in love with judo after that," he said. "If I hadn't taken judo, you would have never discovered it since none of your friends did it. But you did. And you loved it. It all happened for the reason. And even though I was still able to kick your in a match, you still loved it."

"You give awesome pep talks, you know that?" I teased. 

The rest of my family came in and my grandma lit two candles for my grandpa, who died a year before Minnie was born, and my dad. 

I missed my grandma's cooking, as much as I loved Rara's but the usual cacophony had died down to a peaceful, rather strained, chatter. Of course, I was congratulated and my family told me how proud they were. But we never said a word about my dad. After we cleaned up, everyone went to their rooms to sleep. They were going back to the US early in the morning. 

I snuck into Minnie's room as quietly as I could. 

"I know it's you."

"Darn," I said and sat on the edge of the bed. I looked down at my little sister wistfully. 

"What?"

"Nothing really," I said. "You just...I'm so proud of you for being strong. I feel like a mom or something. My baby's all grown up."

"I was all grown up a long time ago," Minnie pointed out. "You and Young Sang refused to admit it."

I nodded with a smile. 

"Good night, Minnie."

"'Nighy, Hyun Ae."

I closed the door behind me quietly and passed my room and to the living room. I lit the candles once again and prayed. 

I didn't know how long I sat there but my legs had grown numb and my knuckles were white from clasping my hands too hard. 

I heard shuffling behind me. My heart jumped. 

My mom sat down gently next to me and stared at the photo of my dad. 

"You're just like him, Hyun Ae-ah," Mom said. 

"How?"

"You're smart, dedicated and determined. But stubborn, and you hide your feelings," Mom said with a little smile. 

"That doesn't sound like Dad," I said. 

"He became more open once we got married and had Young Sang."

My mom reached into her bathrobe pocket. She pulled out a tiny  cross on a gold chain. 

"This was your father's wedding gift to me," Mom said as she put it on me. "It's real gold. Cost your father a fortune along with that little diamond in the center, too."

"Umma! I can't take this! What if I lose it!?"

My mom shook her head. "It's not the cost that matters but the meaning behind it. Your father put a lot of love into this. You should carry it with you. Always. Out of you three, you seem to need the most help right now, Hyun Ae. Minnie's getting through it. Young Sang knows he has a responsibility. You, Hyun Ae, need your appa's support and love to get through this business. And I know you will."

I the little cross resting right below my collarbone. 

"Thanks, Mom. I'll always wear it."

My mom looked away just when I saw her eyes sparkle in the candlelight. 

oOo

"Have a safe trip!" I called out with forced cheerfulness. 

My mom and sister hugged me quickly since their flight was leaving soon. 

"Go ahead," Young Sang said. "I'll catch up later."

After they were out of earshot, Young Sang grinned at me. 

"Don't worry about us, okay?" He said in English. 

"I know, I know," I said in English. 

Young Sang smirked. "I won't worry about you either. I already have someone taking good care of you."

"Yeah, Sung Gyu's great-"

"She is, but I wasn't talking about her," Young Sang interrupted. He chuckled. "You'll figure it out soon enough. Well, I got to go. Good luck, Hyun Ae."

"Thanks."

oOo

"Ah! Sorry I'm late!" I rushed into the recording studio where Junsu was waiting for me. 

He took his feet off the table and sat properly. "It's okay. I got some precious quiet time to myself."

I quickly sat down and took out the music sheet for my next song on Rookie Idol. 

  Junsu glanced at it. 

"This song, you know it's meant for a different kind of voice," he said. "It's a stretch for you."

"Oh, Je Il said I could pull it off great," I said. "He recommended it to me when I saw him at the same radio broadcasting at KBS."

"Je Il did?" Junsu's eyebrows went straight up and a hint of his Daegu accent creeped in. 

"Yeah...is...that a problem?" I said, trying to meet his eyes but he wouldn't look at me. 

He shook his head, continuing to not look at my eyes. "No, at least, it shouldn't be."

I was only paying half attention because I was trying to see where he was looking. I followed his eyes and realized they were looking below my face. 

My ears turned red from anger and embarrassment. "Are you...looking at my s?"

Junsu suddenly looked up with a surprised look. His face was turning red. Tch, great day for me to wear a low tank top. It's not like I really had anything to show anyway. And it wasn't e low or anything. Just low. 

"Wha-no, I'm not like that! I-I just noticed the necklace and I was wondering where you got it from! Or why you're wearing it. You never wear necklaces," Junsu said hurriedly. 

"You seem to look at my chest a lot."

"No I don't! I'm just...observant!" He protested. "Besides, where did you get it?"

I touched the cross lightly. "It was my dad's wedding gift for my mom. My mom gave it to me to give me strength."

"Oh," he suddenly calmed down. "That's sweet."

"Um, yeah," I said hesitantly. "Um, you can look at my eyes now. You'll have plenty of time to look at the necklace. I'm not planning on taking it off anytime soon."

His eyes snapped back to mine in an instant and then he quickly turned to the piano. 

He cleared his throat. 

"Let's start, shall we?"

---------------

Hi guys! Just had a performance! Whew, I'm tired. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy it!!