Our studio was quiet but busy. I was practicing 'If' on the guitar because I was supposed to perform it on a variety show later that week. Tae Ji and Rara were on the piano, working on rhythm and scales. Hana and Eun Mi were practicing their parts in our ballad song 'Message'.

It was raining out and it was a bit chilly. These were my favorite days. When we weren't rushing around on schedules and just took some time to practice. It was a nice stress reliever. On most days. 

I strayed away from the chords for 'If' and began to play 'Lies' slowly, remembering that summer when Junsu and I could actually go a week without getting pissed off at each other. 

I had to perform on Rookie Idol that day. I didn't want to. I knew I would be eliminated soon. I just couldn't keep up with everyone else. I got lucky with 'If'. Now my luck was running out. 

I spent the next two hours drifting between 'Lies' and 'If'. 

Sung Gyu knocked on the little window. "Hyun Ae, you've got to go to Rookie Idol."

I reluctantly put my guitar down and followed Sung Gyu to the car. 

I buckled myself in and stared at my hands as Sung Gyu pulled out of the parking lot. 

"Unnie," I said softly. 

"Yes?" 

"Is there any way I can just...withdraw from Rookie Idol? I mean, I know I can't win," I said. 

"Hyun Ae, that isn't a very good mindset," Sung Gyu said. "Look, I'm going to tell you this as your unnie, not your manager. You have a beautiful voice. You have a chance at this. The only reason you're not doing well is because you don't believe in yourself."

I nodded but I was convinced she was still talking to me as a manager. 

She dropped me off and I trudged through the rain into the building. 

oOo

I was on next. My butterflies were dead. I was tired. I knew I wouldn't be good enough. Je Il was getting better. His voice was rapidly improving. 

Je Il even began talking to people more. We talked in the waiting room. He actually seemed nice, just a little awkward sometimes. We seemed to be opposites. I started out great and I was spiraling downwards as Je Il was rising from the bottom. I wished him all the best. 

I sang my song well but only technically. I knew the emotion was dead. I didn't care. I would be gone soon. 

oOo

I wasn't surprised when I got second to last. I congratulated everyone else before leaving but I didn't stay for any small chat. 

oOo

When I got back to the JYPE building, I felt sick. I felt even worse when I saw Junsu in the hallway. 

I quickly turned the corner but he saw me. 

"I heard," he said. 

"I know you heard," I said hotly. "Look, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to be eliminated next week so what's the use of trying?"

Junsu didn't answer for a moment. "What's your next song?"

"I don't care anymore," I said. "I'll just find something."

I walked away before he could reprimand me. 

oOo

I flipped through the song book lazily in the small studio Junsu used to give me singing lessons. My eyes barely focused on the words on the page. I knew I couldn't connect to any of these songs. 

The door squeaked and I immediately knew who it was. 

"What do you want?" I asked. 

"Have you picked a song?" He asked. 

"No."

We were silent for a few moments. I still didn't even look up at his face. 

"Hyun Ae-"

There was a sudden knock at the door. Sung Gyu slowly opened the door. 

She held out her phone to me. "Honey, I think you need to take this call."

I looked up an slowly took the phone from Sung Gyu. Junsu hadn't moved from his spot. 

"Hello?"

"Hyun Ae?" Minnie's voice was weak. 

"Minnie, what's wrong?" I quickly switched to English. "Isn't it like two in the morning for you?"

Minnie sniffled a bit. "I'm at the hospital. Dad...Dad had a relapse."

My heart jumped and my legs stiffened. "When?"

"Just a few hours ago," Minnie's voice was getting shakier. "Mom's talking to the doctor right now."

"And? What's his condition?" I asked hurriedly. 

Minnie was silent. I could hear muffled sniffling. 

"Minnie..."

"Dad's gone."

My legs failed to support my weight and I fell to my knees. My hands were shaking. Sung Gyu and Junsu rushed to my side. 

"When?" My voice was barely audible. 

"Just an hour ago," Minnie said quietly. "I just called Young Sang too. We decided to have the funeral in Korea so Grandma could go."

I couldn't speak. My throat closed up. 

"Hyun Ae...I'm scared."

"Everything's going to be okay. Dad's in heaven now," I said. "Help Mom, okay? Mom only has you right now."

Minnie started to cry. "How? What am I supposed to do?"

I didn't know. I honestly had no idea. "Minnie, I'm scared too. Just be strong for Mom. If she needs to cry, let her. Young Sang and I will figure everything out."

"Okay," Minnie answered shakily. 

"Go to sleep, Minnie," I said. 

"Good night," Minnie said before hanging up. 

I put the phone down on the floor. My heart was so tight I thought it was going to burst. My stomach was in such horrible knots. When was the last time I talked to my dad? When was the last time I told him I loved him?

"I..." I croaked. 

Sung Gyu looked at me worriedly. 

My head was getting heavier and heavier. 

 I felt my body go limp. 

I was only half aware of my body hitting the ground and the sudden shouts. Then there was nothing. 

oOo

My eye lids were heavy but I forced them open. I was staring at the ceiling of JYP's office. Well that's strange. I knew I was on a couch. 

I looked to my left. Sunye was sitting on the ground next to me. She was holding my hand. 

"How are you feeling?" She asked softly. 

My mouth was dry but I managed to croak out, "I don't know."

"It's going to be hard but everyone here will help you," she said. 

I suddenly remembered that Sunye lost both of her parents. 

"Unnie, thank you," I whispered. 

"JYP said you can stay here as long as you need to," she said. "He knows it's gonna take some time."

I nodded and sat up. 

I couldn't cry. Instead my body began to shake violently. A pang of fear hit me. What was going on? Was I going insane? That's when I started crying. 

Sunye wrapped her arms around me as I shook. "It's okay, it's okay. This is normal. Shhhh."

I gradually stopped shaking but I still continued to sob into Sunye's shoulder. 

"Your brother called," she said after a while. "They're going to be here tomorrow. He said it's going to be a small funeral."

I nodded. I wondered how my big brother felt. When we were little he always acted cocky but if Minnie or I were in any kind of danger, he instantly turned into a caring brother. I missed him. I felt so bad that he didn't have an older sibling to lean on like Minnie and I did. He was probably dying inside. 

After a few minutes, my members came to see me. They instantly enveloped me in a hug. 

"Thank you, guys," I whispered, my voice still hoarse. 

In the back of my head, I knew I was dragging them down with this.

My heart twisted with guilt. 

oOo

I sat at the airport with Sung Gyu, waiting for my family. I had no make up on and I was in my dirtiest sweats. I didn't want to be recognized. 

After sitting there for two hours, I finally saw my brother's head towering over the others. He's the only tall person in our family. 

They emerged from the crowd. My mom looked so tired. Minnie seemed to be trying to hold back tears. Young Sang, my big brother who I hadn't seen since spring break, was stoic. 

I stood up and my family came over to me. There was the introduction of Sung Gyu to my family but afterwards, there wasn't much conversation. 

We dropped my mom and sister off at my grandma's house but Young Sang needed to talk to JYP about my schedule since I was going to be in mourning. 

I lead him through the maze of hallways to JYP's office. 

"You know I could just quit," I whispered in English so nobody could eavesdrop except for a select few people. 

Young Sang was quiet. He was just like Dad, always thinking before answering. "No."

"This is my life! My job! My decision!" I hissed, already feeling the piercing from the tears. "Shouldn't I honor Dad by mourning for him properly? Shouldn't I help Mom and Minnie at home?"

Young Sang breathed in deeply. "You're being an idiot. Why do you think Dad sent you here? He felt bad that he held you back last time and then came your golden opportunity. Look at you now. You're group is doing great. You have a beautiful voice. You fulfilled your dream. That's what Dad wanted you to do. He wanted you to be happy. If you go back now, Dad would be so disappointed. Mom and Minnie are stronger than you think. We'll get through this."

"I don't have a good voice! If I did, then I won't be eliminated in Rookie Idol next week! I wouldn't be in the bottom all the time! And 12hour's doing so well because everyone else is better than me!" My voice was growing louder. "I saw all those online articles of how my talents are dropping in Rookie Idol or how my first performance was a fluke. I saw the ones about my lack of training! I'm bringing 12hour down! They're my friends! I don't want to do this to them!"

Young Sang stared at me for a moment. "They want you to stay. They called me yesterday. To tell you that since they figured you wouldn't listen if they told you themselves. Lots of people here want you to stay. And the only reason you're at the bottom is because you got yourself into this stupid mindset that you have no chance and everyone's better. Chances are, they're just as good as you! But they actually want this! You're afraid of making mistakes, they're not."

We stood in silence in the elevator. After a few moments, I said, "That's what Junsu told me."

"Despite what you think, he wants to help you but you're pushing him away." Young Sang continues to stare at the closed elevator doors. He chuckled without humor. "Geez, Hyun Ae, can't you ever listen to someone? Okay, don't listen to me or that Junsu guy. Listen to Dad."

"Sing at Rookie Idol next week," Young Sang said, turning to look me in the eyes. "Sing for Dad."

I instantly knew which song I wanted to sing. 

oOo

I was exempt from my schedule except for Rookie Idol. I spent most of my free time practicing my song or helping my family organize the funeral. It was going to be small but we still had trouble contacting some of our relatives from the countryside. 

I didn't sleep at the dorm. I stayed at my grandma's house. 

oOo

We stood up and sang my dad's favorite hymns at a small church by the Han River, where my dad loved to play when he was a kid.  

I sang as loudly as I could, so my dad could hear us. 

He was cremated in the US and his ashes were brought over to Korea to be kept in my grandma's house. 

Afterwards, my family hugged me and told me to be strong for Rookie Idol. 

I nodded seriously each time. 

oOo

I stopped singing when I heard the door creak open. 

Junsu looked surprised. Probably because I wasn't crying or yelling at him. 

"Am I interrupting?" He asked quietly. 

"No it's okay," I said. "What do you need?"

"Nothing." He fidgeted. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," I said. "I'm better now."

"You're gonna stay?" He asked. "And do Rookie Idol?" 

I nodded. "I promised my dad I would be successful and try my best. I haven't been doing a very good job lately. And I'm sorry for being so rude."

He chuckled. "It's fine. You can pay me back later."

We spent the rest of the day going over my song. 

oOo

I was dropped off at the back of the building to make a shortcut to the dressing rooms while Sung Gyu drove my family over to the front. 

I waved to the van and quickly ran inside. 

A lot of the contestants looked surprised to see me and many offered their condolences. I nodded and thanked everyone. 

I was strapped into the hair and make up chair quickly since I was late. I warmed up as my hair was being done. 

I rushed off into wardrobe but was stopped by the MC. 

"Hyun Ae, I really like your choice for today," he said. "I think you'll do great."

"Thank you, sir," I said and bowed. He was one of the few people that actually knew what my song was. 

I hastily picked out a dress. 

I just wanted something white but this one was beautiful. I picked it randomly and when I actually had the time to admire it, it was amazing. It looked like a very well made angel costume. 

I bumped into Gunwoo on the way to the dressing room. 

"How are you, Hyun Ae?" He asked sincerely. 

"Better," I said. "I promise you and my dad that I'll be in the top three today."

He smiled. "That's good to hear. Hwaiting!"

"Hwaiting!"

oOo

I stretched my fingers and cleared my throat in the waiting room. No one spoke. 

"Hyun Ae-ssi, you're on next," an assistant said. 

I stood and a round of 'hwaitings' were given. 

Everyone except Je Il. 

oOo

The butterflies were back. I never knew I could be happy that they were back. 

I was going to sing in front of my family now. And my dad. 

Especially my dad.