Find Me

Find Me

 

Find Me

--

 

The clock was ticking.

 

Jessica stood by the frame of the swing while Yuri sat on it and pushed her feet gently against the ground. The girl's expression was serene and contented. She was swaying her head to an imaginary tune; maybe to music from somewhere in the past. 

 

Another bout of cold wind blew by. It almost knocked Jessica's coat off Yuri's shoulder but Jessica was there to put them back up again, making sure it fits on the girl tighter this time. As usual, Yuri heeded her no attention. Giving out an exasperated sigh, Jessica checked her phone again. She frowned when she saw there were no new messages. She wondered when they'd come. Jessica just wanted to get this done and be over with. She's tired. So tired.

 

A few more minutes passed and it kept getting colder. Jessica rubbed her hands together while her eyes searched the vicinity, longing for a warmer place to stay. She rubbed her own shoulders and blew warm air on her own hands to keep them warm. 

 

If only Yuri would let them go someplace else... but no. She refused to go out of the park so stubbornly and Jessica could not stomach the thought of upsetting her.

 

At the back of her mind, Jessica wondered why Yuri wouldn't go.

 

Not liking where her mind took her in search of an answer, Jessica looked down and checked her phone again. She needed them to come soon.

 

'We're there in 15 minutes. They're asking if they might need to use restraints. Is she calm?' 

 

Jessica stole a glance at Yuri. And ended up staring as she watched the girl she loved, hold her hands out and try to catch the last bouts of snow that fell from the sky. She looked calm but after her previous breakdown, Jessica couldn't trust what she saw anymore. An image of strange hands bounding those pale wrists in a claustrophobic grip flashed in Jessica's mind. She winced at the thought of those soft hands struggling to break free.

 

She was frowning while typing her answer.

 

No one could hurt those hands. Not on Jessica's watch. 

 

It only took a minute before the next reply came. 'How about some sedatives?' 

 

Jessica thought of the confusion and betrayal in Yuri's eyes. She shook her head. 'No.' She didn't want to see that again. Then typed another one. 'Only when really needed.'

 

'Have you said goodbye?'

 

Jessica stared at the text for a long time. 

 

'Can you give me time?'

 

'How much do you need?'

 

Jessica glanced at Yuri, aware of the fact the girl never stopped humming. Jessica took the image in. The slow flicker of those eyelashes when the woman blinked, the perfect curve of that nose, those lips, which were now dry and a little pale. 

 

Jessica remembered Yuri's smiles. Of how easy it was for Yuri to give them to Jessica, even when Jessica didn't deserve them. Of how they gave Jessica the kind of warmth that made Jessica feel accepted and wanted. Of how Jessica took those smiles for granted.

 

'More. So much more,'  She wanted to say, feeling tighten and her chest squeeze because she knew she shouldn't.  

 

'As much as she needed.' 

 

'Give us a signal when she's ready.' 

--

 

For someone who loved to run away, Jessica never liked saying goodbye.

 

Perhaps, before Yuri, anyone pleading for her to stay only sounded like an excuse to say that they, at least, tried to stop her from going.

 

Perhaps, before Yuri, Jessica never thought of her leaving as someone else's loss but rather as a relief from a nuisance. 

 

Perhaps, before Yuri, running away never felt like she's losing something important. 

--

 

Walking towards Yuri felt like the longest journey Jessica ever did in her life. Her chest felt hollow. She didn't freeze or even tremble from the cold. Like her body stopped trying to protect her. There was only the sound of her feet dragging, one heavy foot in front of the other. From the background, Jessica heard wheels screeching to a stop. While Jessica dreaded the moments before saying goodbye, the creaking of the swing persisted. 

 

Jessica noticed how Yuri's grip on the chains of the swing tightened when Jessica stopped in front of her.

 

Yuri looked up at her, her blank stare now with a glint of anticipation and dread; as if she knew what was coming for her.

 

And maybe, Yuri did know.

 

Maybe Yuri had always known. 

--

 

How does a notorious runaway say goodbye?

 

"Yuri-" Jessica's throat closed upon her before she could utter more.

--

 

Before every moment of great pains, there is always that one instance of peace, when your body will feel numb and your head and thoughts will stop feeling like your own. It's to protect you from the intensity of what's really happening. From how much pain you really have to endure. How much change can occur after this. Of how different your reality is going to be.

 

Sometimes, it's at this moment where people break themselves. They decide they don't want whatever happens next.

 

But sometimes, it's at this moment where people decide what it is they want to happen next. They realize the could and shoulds haves and learn that they shouldn't spend too much time questioning.

--

 

'Be good there without me. Listen to them, they know what's good for you. Take care because I can't come and do that for you anymore. I know I'm not good for you now but please keep me in your heart. You don't have to remember me but at least, let me stay there. I'll be quiet so you wouldn't be bothered by me at all, I promise.

 

Keep me- .... Keep me until you... until you have to go, okay? I've always wanted to see you off. Wish you a good journey. I'll threaten your angels in case they dare steal you away while I'm not looking.

 

Keep walking ahead, okay? Don't look back. Don't worry. I'll be the one to find you in our next life. 

 

Thank you for loving me and persisting, even if I'm such a hard person to love.

 

Thank you for giving me a home, even only for a short while.

 

Thank you, for everything, my love.

 

You'll always be my home.

 

You'll always have my heart. 

 

Thank you for letting me stay.

 

I had been running for a long time.

--

 

Swallowing her words, Jessica reached out for her phone and dialed.

 

After a few rings, Yuri's father picked up the call. With the innocent way, Yuri was looking at her, Jessica had to swallow before she could utter a word.

 

"I think, I'm-... I think she's ready now."

--

 

The moment Jessica ended the call, the sound of doors opening and closing echoed at the almost empty playground. People in white came out, and slowly and calmly began to approach them. Jessica saw Yuri's father standing just outside his car. He gave Jessica a thankful nod, smiling thoughtfully, but Jessica could still feel his anxiety from the way he held himself. cleardot.gif

 

She turned back to Yuri. The girl was still quiet. Unusually so. She also seemed oblivious to the other people who just joined them, and, instead, was preoccupied with looking at her closed hands, she sat on her lap. 

 

Jessica just allowed her. 

 

There's nothing Jessica can do now. She just wanted to stay until they had already put Yuri safely inside the car and make sure that Yuri doesn't get hurt in the process. 

 

As the men in white come nearer Jessica, Yuri finally starts to notice. Jessica could sense Yuri's anxiety increasing. Yuri's demeanor became tense and she somehow looked both agitated and frustrated. She fidgeted with the fabric of her clothes while looking alternately between Jessica and the incoming men. 

 

Jessica hated seeing Yuri like this. More because it reminded her of their relationship's rough parts. Those nights when Yuri anxiously waited for Jessica to come back after she would go away and not return for days. Those days when Jessica struggled to let go of her fears and doubts in herself. When Jessica, despite all her efforts and her loving Yuri truly, couldn't fully let her walls down and let Yuri in completely. She especially hated it when Yuri welcomed her with open arms and treated her as if nothing happened once she came back.  It made it so easy for Jessica to hurt her.

 

Those moments were frustrating and tiring and painful; Jessica didn't know how they managed to survive. Even now, she still hadn't figured it out.

 

Jessica crouched in front of Yuri and put her own hand on top of Yuri's fidgeting ones in order to calm her down. 

 

"They're friends, Yuri-yah. They're just here to make you get home safe and stay warm." Jessica caressed Yuri's hands, reassuring the now confused-looking girl. The girl relaxed a little bit but still gave skeptical glances to the men, who were now standing right behind Jessica. Two of them positioned themselves a few yards behind Yuri. "You don't need to be scared."

 

Yuri gave them an apprehensive look, her hands clenching even tighter as one of the nurses stood beside Jessica to mutter some explanations and instructions. Jessica gave Yuri a tight-lipped smile, tugging at the girl's hands to put her focus back to her. 

 

After listening carefully to the nurse, Jessica gave her a nod, not taking her eyes off Yuri, who's now looking questioningly at her. Yuri tried to pull her hands off Jessica's grip but Jessica only held on to them tighter. Doing just as the nurse had instructed. They needed to make sure Yuri wouldn't be able to hurt anyone or herself once the team got to her.

 

When Yuri continued insisting, now looking around apprehensively, Jessica cooed to reassure her, "Shhhhhhh. It's alright, Yuri-yah," Jessica said whilst running her thumb on the back of the girl's hand. "They're not going to hurt you. I'm here. I won't let them do that."  

 

Caught in Jessica's steady gaze, Yuri stopped struggling. She followed when Jessica gently tugged her to stand up, then placed her arm on the woman's lower back, gently guiding her away from the swing. Yuri could hurt herself with it if ever she suddenly went in panic. 

 

The medical team gave them the way as they passed by them. Jessica tried hard to keep looking ahead as she felt Yuri stole glances at her. It's amazing how despite Yuri's confusion,  she let herself be led by Jessica.  Slowly, they closed the distance to the pavement where Yuri's father waited for them. The team followed behind, keeping a safe distance. 

 

Snow started falling again, just when they're only a few yards away from the team waiting for them. Jessica glanced at Yuri, to check on her, already hating the sight of the shadow of the person she loved, that she knew, would welcome her. A bundle of confusion and mannerism. Uncaring, unfeeling, and unresponsive. The shell of what was once her Yuri.

 

But instead, what Jessica saw was a girl staring sadly where Jessica held her. 

 

Jessica halted in her tracks. Yuri stopped, too but her expression didn't change.

 

Something was different. 

 

"Yuri-yah, why did you come here?" The question was quiet, only meant for Yuri's ears. 

 

Jessica could hear the team behind them stopping. Yuri didn't flinch, nor did she let her sight divert to something else. The fact that Yuri wouldn't look at her now pinched an irrational part of Jessica's heart. Jessica knew then that she could not go on with this. 

 

Jessica caught the gaze of one of the personnel. She gave a defeated shake of the head and they nodded.

 

"Stop waiting for me."

 

Giving Yuri's hand one last squeeze, Jessica let go. 

--

 

And then, they were moving. Their steps were careful; approach calm and professional. And with every step they took, Jessica felt farther and farther away from Yuri, even though she was just standing beside her. 

 

"Ms. Kwon. I'm Dr. Robert Lee. I'm the doctor responsible for you and these people are my team. We're here to bring you back home."  

 

Yuri didn't flinch. Only stepping forward, following Jessica, as she moved away to give the team more space. 

 

In the process of the team taking over and getting a hold of Yuri,  Jessica found herself catching Yuri's eyes. Yuri reached out to her weakly and Jessica had to look away. But that didn't save her from witnessing as confusion and panic finally registered on Yuri's face. She saw the hesitation in the way Yuri's arms faltered. Betrayal on the way Yuri never looked away from her, even when more staff came to her sides. 

 

Jessica watched as they tried to usher Yuri into the car.

 

"Thank you for this, Jessica. This means a lot to Yuri." She heard Yuri's father say sounding more like an echo than an actual voice to Jessica's ears. A cold hand gave her shoulder a squeeze. "We're going to take care of her from now on, so don't worry." 

 

Jessica watched as Yuri struggled from being held, ignoring Yuri's father's presence beside her. The team was patient but Yuri wasn't being very easy. Yuri continued giving Jessica prodding looks. Continued doing so, even when one of the nurses went in front of her to get her attention. The confusion only became more apparent in her face and her breath started to pick up the pace. She tried to go to Jessica again but was stopped. Tried reaching out. Kept on looking over her shoulders to look at Jessica while the nurses ushered her away. The helplessness in her eyes and the way her mouth opened and closed like she's trying to say something to Jessica but couldn't utter even a sound, made Jessica's heart clench.

 

Jessica turned away and bit on her lips to stop them from trembling, tasting the salty tears she didn't realize she was shedding.

 

From behind, she could hear them trying to talk with Yuri. Explaining. Persuading. Bribing. As if they could reason with her. They tried their best to soothe her as they slowly ushered her away. But all of it was just meaningless mumbles to Jessica's ears. She's too aware of Yuri's gaze at the back of her head, and the fact that, despite the guilt she felt, she still had to try so hard just to stop herself from running to the girl.


"You did the right thing, sweetheart," Yuri's father put his hand on her shoulder again.

 

"Did I?"

 

Because the way Yuri was looking at her felt like a punch in the gut. Needy, despite the fact that she's trying to struggle. Longing, even as she screams. Loving yet desperate. Apologetic, even if nothing about this was her fault. 

 

"If it's too hard for you to be here, you can go now." Yuri's father suggested. It felt like an insult even though Jessica knew he meant well. "They know what they're doing. Don't worry. Yuri will be safe." 

 

And then there was a shriek.

 

Jessica gasped as she turned at the sight of four people trying to stop Yuri as the girl struggled against going with them while the doctor tried in vain to calm her down. Her eyes widened when she saw Jessica looking, then started struggling even harder. Yuri's eyes called for her. She kept trying to raise her clenched hand in Jessica's direction. She screamed. She screamed even louder. Looking lost and pitiful.

 

Jessica could only watch them from a distance, covering with her hand and pursing her lips to keep herself from sobbing. She just stood there while Yuri screamed and tried to turn them around, struggling to set her eyes on Jessica again.

 

Trying desperately to find her.

 

It was in the last moments when the answer hit Jessica.

 

And just as they finally managed to put Yuri inside the car. Just as a nurse held Yuri to stop her from pushing the door open. Just moments before they managed to shut the door, Jessica heard her.

 

"Si-ca." It was almost a murmur.

 

"Sica-yah." Almost unsure.

 

Jessica couldn't get herself to move. She just stared. Both skeptic and hopeful. 

 

Her eyes met Yuri's just before the door shut.

 

"Jessica."

 

Then it was quiet. Everyone seemed to have disappeared and so did all the noise. For the first time since the hospital team arrived, Jessica noticed that the snow had stopped falling. 

 

Jessica didn't tell Yuri her name. 

--

 

Before every moment of great joy, there is always that one instance of peace, when your body will feel numb and your head and thoughts will stop feeling like your own. It's to protect you from the pain you had to endure.  It's to prepare you for change. It's to help you forgive yourself and be able to enjoy how different your reality is going to be.

 

Sometimes, it's at this moment where people break themselves. Because they anticipated the worst thing that could happen and started suffering over things that are not even present. They decide they don't want whatever happens next so even when things worked out, they couldn't fully enjoy it. They got so used to hurting that once the pain subsides, they go looking for the next to thing suffer over.

 

But sometimes, it's at this moment where people decide what it is they want to happen next. They realize the could and should haves and learn that they shouldn't spend too much time questioning.

 

Sometimes we just need to go out there and see if we could find the answers. 

-- 

 

And then Jessica was moving.

 

Each step faster than the last.

 

After pulling the door open, the nurse gave Jessica a skeptical look.

 

"Are you coming with us?" Both she and Yuri looked at Jessica; Yuri looking at her more in a hopeful way than surprised.

 

Jessica shook her head, never taking her eyes off Yuri, a smile etching across her face.

 

"No. She's coming with me."

--

 

Jessica found their promise rings inside Yuri's clenched hands. 

 

Yuri wouldn't let them go even if Jessica tried. 

 

Yuri learned her lesson this time. 

--

 

 

Jessica cradled the head on her lap. Running her hands on Yuri’s hair softly, Jessica began humming a sweet lullaby. Brown eyes blinked sleepily from below her and she smiled. The way Yuri innocently stared at her made Jessica’s heart swell and clench at the same time. She didn’t stop until those playful fingers stopped twirling her hair and waited until Yuri’s hand fell limply on her side.

 

Jessica leaned down and kissed the space between Yuri’s eyes before she finally leaned back and closed her eyes; following Yuri to dreamland.

--

 

The air in the lake house was stale when Jessica walked in.

 

It smelled of a mixture of dust, freshwater, and the pungent scent of aging paper. She dropped the bag of their dirty clothing first before slipping the bag strap of her laptop off her shoulder. Both met the floor with a thud, lifting up a few of the sticky notes scattered on the floor from the impact.

 

Jessica paused for a moment, taking in the slow movement of the flowing curtains, the uncovered keys of the piano by the corner, the couch, whose throw pillows were stacked up in one of the one-seater, and the lone pillow propped on its armrest. The sticky notes posted on the wall didn't feel like they're glaring at Jessica anymore. The light of the telephone blinked red, indicating left messages while she was gone. Another sticky note was posted on its handle. Unlike before, no clinking of plates or chopping sounds from the kitchen could be heard, nor could an out-of-tune humming that usually accompanies the sound of stirring on the pan. There was only the sound of cicadas and the silent whirring of the ceiling fan.

 

Jessica took in everything before going back to get the woman standing by the door. Soon, the emptiness of their house would be filled again.

 

The one who owned the kitchen couldn't cook anymore, nor can she carry Jessica on a piggyback, or shoo away the noisy birds in the morning.

 

A lot had changed.

 

Yuri might never kiss her back but the way those eyes shined, even just a little bit, whenever Jessica cupped her cheeks and the sweet way the corner of those lips curled up against hers with every unreciprocated kiss, was enough to make Jessica fall in love with her over and over again every time Jessica forgot what love is.

--

 

"I'm home."

 

 

 

 

-The End-

 

 

 


A/N: Just like SNSD is home for me.

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dancingpasta
Finished a new yulsic oneshot. It's called Flashback. Enjoy reading! https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1386146/flashback

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UndefinedCharacter
11 streak #1
Chapter 13: Take care always authornim! Happy New Year! 🎉😉
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Chapter 10: I guess, if you're too scared to get hurt, you wouldn't want to take a chance... But still... :(
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Chapter 9: She's still there... :'(
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Chapter 8: Yeah, it's nice to see bits of Yuri's mind sometimes. It completes the story... 😭
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Chapter 3: I just want to compliment you on your detailed writing. I was amazed on the "bad genes" part, I remembered reading/hearing this on an online course I took about this disease. Good job!
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11 streak #6
Chapter 1: My heart...
palitao
#7
Chapter 11: Love it!❤️
danone #8
Chapter 12: Read this again and i just wanna say thank you for a great story.
langsircoklat #9
Chapter 13: U are one of my fav writers🥰