Find Me

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The hospice was in complete havoc. Nurses and caretakers were everywhere. Security personnel ran around the vicinity like madmen and they couldn't be blamed; their jobs were on the line.

Their parents- no, Yuri's, were frantic once again, and the doctor who's now trying hard to explain that there's no way Yuri could've gone outside the facility without the guards seeing her did nothing to ease them.

Inside the room, Jessica sat on Yuri's bed lifelessly; gray and unmoving, like a personification of an empty shell, and she really felt like one. It was like being thrown back to the beginning. Only now, it felt more like she was watching strangers than family. She’s there but she’s also not. Like she was only watching it all from afar. Like an outsider peeking in. Like she’s starting to fade away.

The detachment was scary but also comforting in its own way. It felt nice not to hurt too much for once.

Jessica looked at the empty spot where the promise ring used to be. Her hand clenched on its own. She wondered if the whitened line on her skin would also fade away in time.

Angry scream. Worried murmurs. Hurried and avoidant footsteps that didn’t want anything to do with them.

Jessica tried to stay looking down at the ring as she heard Yuri's mother started to wail on the background. She replayed in her mind the moment Yuri first put the ring on her finger over and over again until she finally tuned Yuri's mother out. They shouldn’t matter to her anymore. Jessica should leave them with their pain like what they did to her with hers. Jessica shouldn't let anyone who had casted her away affect her.

She looked away from them at the guilt that came with the thought.

But it was true, wasn't it? There’s no point at being guilty at all because no parents should neglect one child for the sake of the other.

(Jessica was supposed to be a part of the family. Their child. They said it so themselves.)

Still, a part of Jessica's numbing heart ached a little.

The way it still ached just from running her hand on Yuri's bed and touching the pillow where the girl used to lay her head.

Yuri's pillow was soft. It made Jessica want to lie her head on it. Giving in to the temporary comfort, Jessica let go and let her tired and sleep-deprived body slump on the soft mattress.

She could still smell her on the sheets, and just that was enough to make her fingers clench and her head throb at the influx of memories that came with it. She realized she wasn't numb enough. She closed her eyes and imagined Yuri was just standing nearby, walking on tiptoes, just waiting for a chance to startle her with a hug. Yuri had always been childish like that. She smiled, feeling a little better already.

Jessica wished she could sleep. Just being where Yuri used to be made Jessica want to go back to her own bed. Oh, how nice it was to just keep dreaming.

"Jessica?" 

Jessica sat up abruptly at the familiar yet still so strange voice.

"Yoona?"

She’s the least person Jessica expected to be there.

The distress on Yuri's sister's face almost made it hard for Jessica to recognize her. The girl's hair was in disarray and with the mismatching bell bottom pants and oversized t-shirt she wore, she looked like she just put on whatever set of clothes she had first put her hand on. It was a rare sight. Jessica only ever saw her pristine clean and perfect. Pure, like an angel, at least physically.

Yoona stepped towards her. "It is you. What are you doing here?"

The question felt like a slap. Jessica didn't know. She should be out, trying to find Yuri. Jessica had waited for the urgency. She had waited for that daunting sense of loss. For the weight in her chest that made her want to run. But, it didn't come. Instead, Jessica lingered.

"Fany called me and told she finally get to you. I thought she's with you all this time." Yoona’s voice was soft. She watched Jessica like she’s trying to weigh her expression; steps careful and hesitant, like she’s thinking first whether she should take a step back or move forward.

She didn’t look like the Yoona Jessica knew at all.

The Yoona who’s always ready with a mean remark whenever Jessica tried to start a conversation. The Yoona who never really treated Jessica nicely. The Yoona who counted the days until Jessica finally leaves Yuri for good.

Jessica almost flinched when Yoona crouched in front of her to look at her in eye level. The gentleness on her eyes confused Jessica so much that she failed to notice that Yoona was on a nickname basis with her best friend. "Are you okay?”

Yoona’s eyes examined her from head to toe, her eyebrows pulled. It was the first time the girl looked at her in that way that Jessica didn't feel being judged. Instead, Yoona genuinely looked worried.  Like she really cared. 

“I'm sorry.” Yoona reached for her hands and held them tight. “I didn't know you were here. If I knew you’re alone, I would have come here faster.”

Jessica’s jaw almost fell. It felt surreal. Jessica couldn’t reply. She only stared at Yoona as the girl turned to where her parents stood, giving them a wary look, before turning back to Jessica with a sympathetic expression.

“It must have been hard for you being in the same room as them. They don’t always care about anyone else when it comes to matters involving my sister,” she said, jealousy tainting her voice for a moment before it was replaced by a firm reassurance Jessica never thought she would hear from the girl. “Don't worry. We're doing everything we can. We're going to find her."

That didn’t click.

Yoona believed Jessica didn't deserve Yuri. She thought that Jessica was just using her sister. That Jessica's past was a sure indicator that she'd end up hurting Yuri in the end, and she was very outspoken about her disapproval of Jessica being a part of their family. Her unacceptance severed her relationship with Yuri until they eventually became cold to each other. She knew Yoona resented her because of that. Yoona, showing her otherwise now, didn’t fit the picture.

As if reading her mind, Yoona’s expression softened. The hands that were holding Jessica’s arms slid down to hold both Jessica's hands and gave them a squeeze. Yoona held Jessica's gaze, eyes searching and the sincerity in them felt like a kick in the stomach to Jessica. A part of Jessica felt oddly threatened by it.

Then suddenly, it clicked.

"Look, Jessica. I know this is late for this but I just want to say that I'm sor-"

"Don't say it."

And just like that, Jessica had to pull away.

Sorry.

That word was the last thing Jessica needed to hear right now. Someone saying they were wrong. Someone saying Jessica was right. Someone asking for forgiveness that Jessica herself thought she didn't deserve to have. It made Jessica guiltier than she already was.

Jessica stood up, cutting the girl off. Without giving Yoona even a glance, Jessica reached for her bag and hurried out of the room, passing by Yuri's parents who only gave her a distracted glance before going back to talking with the doctor and the hospital personnel. She could hear a set of footsteps follow her as she turned to a corridor leading to the nearby stairs, and before she could even take one step down, Yoona was already holding her back.

"Look, Jessica. Please listen to me. I know this is a bad time for this but I need to tell you.” Jessica tried to shake off Yoona’s grip but the girl was strong. “I'm sorry. About everything. I was... wrong. I was wrong about you. I thought- I thought that now you've already established yourself and you don't need my sister anymore, you'd give up on her."

Her brows furrowed as she looked down, eyes searching the ground as if she was trying to find the right words.

"My sister- she... I think she loves too much, okay? I was just scared for her. I mean, she was crazy about you since the beginning, isn't she? She never shuts up, especially when you two started dating. Honestly, I never thought you suited each other. I've heard about you even before you two become a couple. I knew how you used to treat her. She told me you wouldn't even look at her, at first. You hurt her a lot, you know. "

Jessica stayed quiet because she knew. She had always been aware that she was always likely to hurt the people around her. It's like an urge she couldn't stop. Life had made her that way. That's also why she tried to stay away. Yuri was perfect and Jessica was broken. A part of her always felt like a flaw next to her.

"I couldn't see what she liked about you so much and why was she so adamant to stay. You push and you pull and you always leave. You confuse her ninety-nine percent of the time, it's like you don't even know what you really want. Then you two began dating and she was too happy and I just can't understand why. Why would you put your heart on the hand of someone so unsure if they want it or not? What's so good about loving someone who didn't want to be loved?" Yoona held Jessica on the shoulder and urged her to face her, to understand "I only wanted to protect her, Jessica. I just wanted her to love the right person. Someone I'm sure would not hurt her. So I couldn't understand why you. Wouldn't understand why you." Jessica kept quiet as Yoona paused and inhaled, looking like she was about to say something very important. 

"But Tiffany," Yoona said her name like Tiffany creates miracles, "She made me understand." quivered, hesitant. Yoona looked as if she wanted to say more and Jessica was tempted to ask how but they decided against it at the last moment. "I want you to know that I understand you now and that I want to thank you. For not giving up. Unlike what my parents did. Unlike… unlike what I almost did. It took a long time but I do get it now. Not everything but enough. And want you to know that you have my support and that I miss my sister, too. You're not as alone in this, Jessica. You have me and Fany. Let us in, too.”

Jessica felt her heart clenched. Something sparked. Tingled. Like a beginning of fire. Small and barely there but she felt it. The urge to pull away from Yoona wavered a little but she refused to budge from where she stood.

“I’m so sorry for not trusting you until now. For not giving you a chance. I should have done it before but I was too stubborn. I didn’t know what’s important yet. I cannot put aside my prejudice and insecurities and make room for you. It’s all my fault. And if you can’t forgive me for that, that’s alright. Maybe, I didn’t deserve one. But if you can’t do that for me, please, forgive Yuri."

Squeeze and stop. Jessica felt that annoying little tingle, she’d been trying to ignore, grow a little bigger. Beating the numbness. Jessica hated feeling it again.

Jaw clenching and grip tightening on her bag, Jessica pushed away from Yoona and started descending the stairs. She didn't want to hear any more of this but Yoona kept following behind her. "I know why you're really here, Jessica. You're scared. She had hurt you. Still hurting you. You want it to stop, don't you?" Yoona continued persistently, her voice getting louder.

Jessica ducked her face behind her scarf, trying to hide her face when they began gaining attention from the bystanders. She fastened her pace. Yoona kept pace.

"But it wouldn't, Jessica. It won't. Until you face my sister again and accept her for what she is now; for what she became, you will always be in pain. She isn't gone yet, Jessica. Why are you acting like she already is?"

That had Jessica stopping on her track and Yoona took that as a chance to stand in front of her.

"Have you already given up on her?"

Jessica looked anywhere but Yoona.

"No," Jessica whispered after a long pause. There was no conviction in her voice.

Because maybe Jessica had already given up on them. Maybe she gave up the moment she heard the word Alzheimer's coming out of Yuri's mouth. Maybe while Yuri muttered an apology to her for being sick and held her tight, Jessica was already loosening her grip on Yuri's hand. Maybe the moment she learned she could be hurt, she stopped holding on to the Yuri she still had and instead started clinging on to the Yuri she would eventually lose. Because maybe, it was Yuri who lost her first.

(The moment the Princess realized that the Navigator didn't have any choice but to lead their ship straight to the big rock, she tossed a lifeboat off the ship and escaped. Because she was a coward and she'd rather preserve the good memories of their journey, and risk drowning in the ocean with them, than to stay and watch their adventure fall into its inevitable demise.

Like a scavenger, the Princess held on to what she could. Living life out of the palace taught her that much.)

Jessica felt like shrinking in place when Yoona pulled her into a hug, tightly like she's channeling her strength to her. Instead, Jessica felt suffocated.

"So, give her another chance. She's still there, Jessica... Find her."

Jessica remained unmoving once Yoona pulled away. Yoona gave her a hopeful look as if saying, 'I know you'd do the right thing,' before turning away.

Jessica watched her go, clenched fists shaking at both her sides. Her chest throbbed. She couldn’t breathe. The fire was still there.

Everything hurts all over again.

So, Jessica ran.

A/N: Very big thanks to Oroton for being a great beta-reader. I wouldn't have finished it without her. Shout out to SeulreneQ23 for making this poster. I really appreciate it. Thank you for liking my fic enough to make such an effort. *hugs to you both*