Find Me

Find Me

 

Find Me

--

 

 "We're here." 

 

That was the last thing Jessica heard before everything faded into a long annoying buzz.

 

The sky glowed in an angry shade of purple, red, orange and blue; all left unseen by the lusterless set of eyes staring at the slow descent of the sun. Fallen dried leaves cracked under Jessica's feet, accompanying the sounds of her boots hitting the damp pavement. Her footsteps and painful wintry puffs of air tainted the stillness of the night yet Jessica heard nothing of it.

 

Instead, she heard Yuri.

 

'Come back home, Sica-yah.'

 

It echoed in her head over and over and over with each and every step she took. And Jessica didn't - tried not to, heed to it. Not anymore.

 

She knew that she was doing it again. Running away.

 

But she had to. It's the only way she knew how to survive.

 

Without her noticing, Jessica had regressed back to her old days. Back to the life before Yuri. Where she dreaded the days and she wasted the nights running away. When she saw the things of the past that were not there anymore. When the same things haunted her sleep. Only now, it turned to a more frightening one.

 

Unrecognizing eyes of the woman she loves now plagued her imagination instead of a man. Hands that used to hit her had been replaced by warm hands that wouldn't take hers anymore. Memories haunted her not only in her sleep but also when she's wide awake, and what's worse was she couldn't figure out whether she wanted them to stop or swallow her whole.

 

She kept seeing them on other people, yet they didn't feel real anymore. Their moments, which Jessica held so tightly onto, were beginning to feel fake. The childish hope that she held onto was beginning to fade in disillusion. Their memories that were like oxygen that kept Jessica going were beginning to suffocate her.

 

Jessica just wanted to breathe again.

 

So, Jessica kept walking. She wasn't sure of the way but she followed her instincts. It wasn't as sharp as before; dulled by domesticity, hugs, and inviting warm cuddles, but she hoped that it would still find her a place where she could find herself again.

 

Soon, Jessica was able to hear the familiar squeak of the old swings and the creaking of the molded see-saws. They drowned out Yuri's voice slowly. It faded and faded and faded until it was gone, just in time the light on a nearby lamp post made it one last buzz and died out. The playground was engulfed by darkness except for a lone lamppost shining stubbornly in the distance. The wind blew, but Jessica didn't shiver from the coldness of it. Maybe, because she just didn't have the energy to bother. Maybe, she'd already gotten used to the cold. Maybe, she finally turned herself numb.

 

Then, she saw her.

 

That lone light in the distance flickered over a lone figure standing on the old playground, emitted a quick buzz, and Jessica's heart squeezed, stopped and started beating so fast Jessica almost felt alive again.

 

She gasped.

 

Then everything fell silent.

---

 

Yuri had her back turned to Jessica, clad only in a cardigan over clothing too thin for a winter night. She was staring at the swing like she's expecting it to be something more.

 

Unknowing of how Jessica's knees still weakened just from the sight of her. Deaf of the way Jessica's heart still pounded on her chest. How her head swam in endless ways to kill that stubborn hope that started burning again deep inside of her.

 

Like a plea.

 

Like the quiet way, Yuri always sits beside her at lunch break to bring her food. Like the knocks on the door that night at the lake house. Like the sound of Yuri's voice saying, 'Sica-yah.'

--

 

Snow started to trickle slowly down the night sky, bits of them disappeared in the air on their way down. The rusty swing continued rocking with the wind. The lone lamp on the playground finally stopped buzzing. But Jessica remained where she was standing.

 

Waiting.

 

For what exactly? She didn’t know.

 

Just… something.

 

Until she couldn't wait anymore.

 

But suddenly, Jessica felt dizzy. She took a step back to stop buckling knees from giving out. She couldn’t seem to move her hands to take her phone out. She didn’t want to. Flashes of the past played in front of her eyes. Is she ready to let that all wither and disappear? Yuri did, so why couldn’t Jessica?

 

She hissed under her breath. She bit her lips until her teeth made a mark on their drying surface. Her own weakness irritated her. She hated that this was still the case. The memories that kept holding her back.

 

Swallowing the lump in , her hands shaking so terribly, she almost dropped her phone when reached for it. Jessica dialed. Her voice racked.

 

"I-I found her."

--

 

Jessica took one step after another; the next steps always felt harder to take than the last, dragging her time. She stopped a meter away from what used to be close enough. A little less wouldn’t be as hurtful. To be safe was staying a little too far. She gritted her teeth and she forced a smile, taking two practiced steps forward. Hiding shaking hands behind her back, she bent her body frontward, swallowing the lump in and feeling the word squeeze its way out.

 

"Yuri," she called, sounding almost like a whisper.

 

“Yuri," she called again. She wished she could say it louder but kept tightening in each passing second. Jessica took a hesitant step forward, giving the empty swing a glance. She tried again.

 

“Yu-" Jessica choked on her name, but then she turned to her.

 

Her eyes were blank. Traces of its previous luster were still there before Jessica left but now even those were all gone. This girl didn't look like her Yuri at all.

 

There was silence. Jessica couldn't find her words, especially when Yuri's stare felt like they're boring a hole in her face. Finally catching herself, Jessica forced her smile to grow wider. "I'm here to take you back."

 

Yuri gave her no response. Instead, she turned back to the swing and completely ignored her. She continued standing there like a statue. Jessica had to tell herself not to get hurt.

 

Clearing , she tried again. Slowly, she approached her, taking her own coat off to put it around Yuri. "Look at you. You didn't even have winter clothes on. Aren't you cold? I told you to wear something thicker last time, didn't I?"

 

Only to stop on her track when Yuri suddenly took a step back.

 

"It's okay Yuri-sshi. We've met before. I just want to put this around you. I'm not going to do anything bad to you. I promise," She said, sporting the most non-threatening smile she could manage.

 

Still, Yuri flinched like she was burned when Jessica took another cautious step forward. Yuri looked at her like a mouse trapped in a corner. It left Jessica not knowing what to do with herself. Jessica reached her hand out to help ease the girl but Yuri continued backing away. Once she got to a good distance away from Jessica, Yuri went back to staring at the swing, brows furrowed, looking even more determined this time.

 

That's when Jessica realized how blue Yuri's lips were. How her skin had turned frighteningly paler. Her features were dulled by the cold. Like a fading picture.

 

Like an instinct, Jessica hurried to Yuri's side, suddenly filled with panic. Yuri tried to back away again but her movements were too slow so Jessica easily managed to put the coat around then quickly brushed off the snow that had fallen on the girl's head, before standing in front of the girl to put her scarf around her.

 

She reached for her hands in haste and gasped at how cold they are. Yuri frowned and tried to pull away but it didn’t stop Jessica. She took her ice-cold hands to her lips and blew hot air on it to help them warm. She didn’t stop until she felt a semblance of warmth in them.

 

When Jessica peeked up to check on Yuri, there was confusion in the girl's eyes.

 

A strange feeling came to Jessica. Like she’s not doing something she should. Not saying something she should have. Her head asked the whats. Her heart asked the whys. But it was the voice of Yuri’s doctor that Jessica listened to.

 

Introduce yourself first. Re-orient the patient. She doesn’t know what’s happening most of the time. She forgot the reasons for her actions, where she wanted to go, who she was trying to find. 

 

Instead, Jessica gritted her teeth and said nothing. She swallowed the lump in and kept shut as she rubbed both of Yuri's hands between her palms. She couldn’t look at her face.

 

Because Jessica had already said goodbye, this was not her Yuri, and this Yuri would never remember her. And Jessica wouldn't let her name be forgotten by her again.

 

She was only supposed to bring Yuri to a warm place, turn her over to the hospital staff once they got to the playground, and then go; that was what they agreed on when she called Yuri's father. That's it. That’s where it should stop.

 

Jessica peeked up and her breath hitched at the sight of those confused and now, also frustrated set of eyes staring back at. Jessica looked away. Yuri’s eyes were searching and whatever it was, a part of Jessica was afraid Yuri wouldn't find what she's looking for anymore. She smiled; small and sad. "You don't have to try so hard to remember. I told you before. You can forget me now."

 

Yuri frowned even deeper.

 

"It's okay, Yuri-ya- sshi" The slip hit something on Jessica. Her breath hitched, her voice suddenly getting smaller, "Yuri- sshi." It felt wrong to her tongue. Still, she fought to maintain her smile. "They'll be here in a few minutes, anyway. You'll be home soon." She nodded, trying to convince herself more than Yuri. She kept a hold of Yuri's hand, gently running her thumb on the back of her palm. She whispered, “You’ll be home soon.”

 

And Jessica should be happy about that.

 

Jessica used the back of her other hand to wipe away the tear that slipped. Tried to blink back and swallow the tears that threatened to follow. They fell anyway.

 

She cried quietly. Smiling sadly at how pitiful she felt for being glad that she at least got to hold Yuri’s hands again before she let her go again.

 

She failed to notice the change in Yuri’s eyes. How they flickered and lighted up because of Jessica's slip. She failed to see how the blankness in them was replaced with something warm. With something familiar. With something that had always been there just for Jessica.

 

She didn't notice how Yuri opened . How confused she looked as she tried to get the words out but couldn’t. 

 

She didn’t see Yuri try.

 

Drying her tears, Jessica turned her back to Yuri to avoid looking at her, as she held the latter's hand and tried to pull her along. She cleared , perched that fake smile back up, and pretended that she believed that she’s making the right decision.

 

"Come, I think they'd be here a few minutes from now. Should we find someplace warmer to wait?"

 

Yuri complied, willingly for once. For once, Yuri took a step forward instead of a step back. She followed along; slowly, one foot after the other. Jessica could feel her staring at the back of her head but she ignored it.

 

There’s no turning back now.

 

They haven't moved too far when she felt that the hand she was holding trembled in her grasp. She looked over her shoulder and saw that Yuri was shaking; too much that she couldn't stand straight anymore. She looked at Jessica helplessly, as if calling for her, and like an instinct, Jessica pulled close and began rubbing along her upper arm to generate heat before she led Yuri's head to the junction of her neck to get more warmth.

 

Jessica got goosebumps when she realized how cold Yuri's body really was. She wondered how long Yuri had really been standing there, and how stupid she had been for not trying to find her sooner. Yuri would have died from hypothermia already if Jessica happened not to have accidentally found her.

 

Yuri trembled even more violently against her when Jessica surrounded her with her arms, letting her own body heat warm Yuri up. Lips trembling and jaw clattering. Sharp intakes of air replaced once steady breaths. Her fingers clutched securely on the back of Jessica's sweater, pulling her closer, greedy for her warmth. Yuri came from fine to freezing-to-death in seconds, as if being held by Jessica made her body realize the term cold for the first time.

 

Yuri's knees buckled and then suddenly she was on the ground, accidentally letting go of Jessica when her knees finally gave out.

 

The panic in Yuri's eyes as she looked up at her felt like a punch to Jessica's chest. It took a moment before the pain settled in and when it finally did, Yuri's face crumpled like she was ready to cry. Kneeling on the cold ground, Jessica hurriedly swept her up in her arms. She opened Yuri's coat before slipping her arms around Yuri's waist to hold her closer. Yuri huffed desperate bouts of air in between gasps, fingers grasping on Jessica like she's a lifeline.

 

Pulling slightly away, Jessica turned her head slightly towards Yuri's, nuzzling her cheeks on her while cooing to her ear. "It's okay, Yuri-yah. Sshh... I'm here." She cooed, nodding reassuringly, "Shhh... shhhh... It's okay. You're going to be fine."

 

Jessica felt movement against her neck, and for a moment she almost thought Yuri was nodding against her. Yuri's hold on her tightened. Almost as tight as how she used to hug her after a long day at work. It almost felt like she was holding her Yuri.

 

They stayed like that until Yuri's trembling got manageable, and stayed there even when Yuri could already manage to stand on her own. They held each other in the cold winter night, in the middle of the old playground where Yuri first found Jessica. Right there, where they started.

 

Snow continued to trickle slowly down the night sky. Jessica watched as bits of them disappeared in the air on their way down. The rusty swing continued rocking with the wind. Jessica realized the lone lamp on the playground never really stopped buzzing. It was still there, just subtle now. She felt Yuri lean her head on the side of hers and felt her nose nuzzle against her hair. Felt the girl smile against her shoulder.

 

It was all real but Jessica believed she just imagined them.

 

Maybe, it was better that way.

 

 

 


A/N: Upvotes and comments are loved. 

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dancingpasta
Finished a new yulsic oneshot. It's called Flashback. Enjoy reading! https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1386146/flashback

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