Find Me

--

 

Days went by like a passing glimpse; moments unremembered and dull. Two hearts will soon wither like the autumn leaves but only one of them will die. Hands that once held so tight will tire and slip away. A pair of feet will fall. Love will run away.

--

 

And so bad days came again and they ought not to stop anytime soon.

 

Episodes of Yuri's bouts and tantrums started getting more frequent. Her mood was becoming more and more unpredictable, and as much as Jessica hated to admit, she was getting drained.

 

She hated it when Yuri pushed her away. She hated the time when Yuri would cry or scream out of nowhere. She hated it when she couldn't seem to help ease Yuri when she supposedly could because she was Yuri's and Yuri hers and Jessica should know the girl enough to know what to do. 

 

But she couldn't. 

 

It was like Yuri became an entirely different person. 

 

Sometimes Jessica would look at her but it’d be Jessica who would not recognize the girl.

 

Sometimes when Jessica looked at her, what she sees was what Yuri wasn't anymore.

 

Sometimes Jessica would look at her; alive and moving, yet it would still feel like Yuri had already left her.

 

Jessica felt Yuri was getting farther and farther away with each passing day. Jessica was getting left behind again, but her sense of direction wasn't as sharp anymore and she had long forgotten how to run. 

--                  

 

The nightmares started a few days after Yuri’s doctor suggested having Yuri transferred to a hospice. Jessica would wake up screaming, hands desperately reaching out as if she was trying to hold on to something. She could never remember what her nightmares were about but every time, they left her feeling like she was left behind. In times like that, she’d spend all the remaining of the night curled up on a chair beside Yuri’s bed, watching. Always watching. Sometimes she’d be braver (or more of a coward) and sat on the edge of Yuri’s bed to hold the latter’s hand and she’d never let the girl off her sight. When the morning came, the flickering of eyelashes would make her hold her breath and an innocent stare would make her smile. With a kiss on the head and whisper, she thanked the girl for waking up. 

--

 

(There was a woman. Yuri didn’t know her but the woman always gives her a kiss every morning. Yuri wanted to complain because someone already declared sole responsibility to do that for her, and though Yuri couldn’t recall what that someone was called, she knew that  someone would nag her for it.)

--

 

“You look tired. Are you having enough sleep lately?” Tiffany asked as she placed a cup of coffee on Jessica’s desk.

 

Jessica hadn't. 

 

“There’s a deadline I need to meet,” Jessica answered her, almost robotically, not taking her eyes off the screen until she felt Tiffany’s hands on her shoulder. She sighed and looked up at Tiffany. 

 

Her worried gaze made Jessica want to look down guiltily like a child but she endured. The last thing she wanted right now was anybody’s pity. She reached for Tiffany’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m okay, Tiffany. I swear.”

 

The smile she gave was forced and she knew Tiffany could tell. Tiffany could see the tiredness etched on the corner of and on the bags under once hopeful eyes. She could see it on the way Jessica's eyes kept trying and failing to focus on the computer screen but was rather preoccupied with the woman sitting on the rocking chair on the veranda.

 

Tiffany shook her head, pulling her hand out of her grip, “No, you’re not. Jessi, I think you should take a break.”

 

Only Tiffany knew Jessica almost to the extent Yuri did, and sometimes Jessica hated Tiffany for that.

 

“And, I will." Jessica dismissed, "I’ll just finish all this then I'm going to ask for another leave. I’m sure my boss would understand.”

 

“No, Jessi. I mean-”

 

 “After this, Tiffany,” She hissed, ending the topic even before it fully started. She turned back to the computer and started typing furiously before she thought of something. There was a long silence. She knew Tiffany was still there, observing her. She sighed and stopped what she was doing. “Did they ask you to talk me out of it?”

 

“No. I came here on my own.”

 

“Good, because if I knew you’re taking their side on this, I swear,” Jessica’s jaw clenched at the thought, “I swear, Tiffany I would never forgive you.”

 

“I know. And, I’m sorry.” Tiffany kissed the top of her head like a mother would and that made the latter feel at ease. At least, for now. "I didn't mean to press you. I'm just worried."

 

Propping her elbows on her desks, Jessica buried her face in her hands. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to act like that. I was just so tired of them playing with my buttons all the time.”

 

“It's okay, Jessi. I understand.” Tiffany smiled, backing down from the topic for the meantime. She looked at Yuri. “How is she?”

 

Jessica kept her head straight, looking at the computer but not really looking. Jessica was afraid to trail Tiffany's line of sight and not recognize the girl on the opposite of it.

 

“Alright, I guess,” Jessica answered with a sigh. She didn't even have to energy to force a smile anymore. “At least, for today. Her appetite is getting better. She still gets into one of her moods but at least, she’s not as irritable as before.” She could feel Tiffany’s gaze on her. She hated the pity. She looked down on her lap, brows tightly woven as she eyed her own uneasy fingers, fiddling from the lack of something to hold on to. "They say they could handle her better when I'm not here." Her voice was small when she spoke. “I think it really is better for her if I don’t go near her.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Tiffany’s hand immediately found Jessica's, squeezing it tightly- it's not enough to make her feel better. “You’ve done nothing but good for her.”

 

“I doubt that.”

 

“Jessica.” Her tone was scolding.  

 

“It’s true, Tiffany. I’m detrimental to her. A confusion. That’s all I am to her right now. No need to sugarcoat it." Jessica stood up and Tiffany’s eyes followed her as she leaned her side against the wall and hugged herself while looking at Yuri. They watched as Yuri reached out her hand and smiled when a butterfly settled on the back of her hand. The promise ring shone on her finger. "Look at her, she looked happy without me. She never smiled like that when she could see I'm around. At least, not anymore."

 

Tiffany sighed, "Here you go being hard on yourself again."

 

"I was just saying the truth."

 

"The truth? The truth that you want, you mean. The truth that validates what you feel right now. Stop me with this drama, Jessi. That smile you're sulking over about right now? That's nothing compared to when she asked you to marry her. Tsk, that stupid person. She was so happy and excited about proposing but she remembered everything except getting you an engagement ring."

 

Jessica couldn't help but smile at the memory of it. The image of Yuri's face as the realization that she didn't buy one struck her made Jessica laugh. She remembered how she kissed it away. They already had a promise ring and any ring would do as long as she could keep Yuri forever. For a moment, Jessica let herself relive the illusion.  

 

"Remember you were the reason for that. And, I know Yuri is the kind to get overly happy about a butterfly but I know, too, that nothing makes her happier than you do."

 

Tiffany meant to make the mood lighter but Jessica was still quiet when she looked at Tiffany and asked, "You really think so?"

 

Tiffany answered with conviction, "I know so."

 

The sun was setting. The butterfly flew and Yuri stood motionlessly as she watched it fly away.

 

"Do you think it's selfish of me for wanting to keep her here?"

 

"Honestly?" Tiffany watched Jessica, looking as if she's contemplating what kind of answer to give.  "Yes. I know you have your reasons for insisting on staying here. Somewhere along making that decision, you thought you were thinking about what's best for Yuri, but have you ever stopped and wondered what would Yuri want, Jessi? Do you think she would rather stay in this foreign place rather than at home? I think you're not doing this because it's the best option for Yuri but because it's the best option for you. Because staying here means you'd get to keep her longer."

 

They fell into silence and for a moment Tiffany stood there cursing her filter-less mouth as Jessica looked at Yuri in a way that felt so longing it made Tiffany feel like she's invading. 

 

“But is that really so wrong? I’m selfish for insisting that we stay here even though I knew it couldn't help. The end will still come one day anyway. But, believe me. I didn’t ask for this. If I could let go just like that, I would have done it already a long time ago... but I couldn't.”

 

Blue, red, orange, yellow, and lilac filled the sky. Yuri turned to them, looking. Just looking. She blinked, lashes moving slowly like the wings of a butterfly getting ready to fly. 

 

“When someone like her happens to you. When you received that much love and happiness like what she had given me, you’d cling to every smile you can get, ask for one more kiss, beg for one more look, and try to hold on just a little longer. And wait. And hope. And cry. And kill yourself trying to get more. Because no matter how much more they gave you and how much you've already taken, it still wouldn’t be enough, because-because a love that great? It wasn’t supposed to end. There's not supposed to be a last."

 

Jessica turned to Tiffany and looked at her like she needed to convince her and nearly losing ways how to, "She promised me, Tiff. She promised there won't be."

 

(It reminded Tiffany of that wild child she met in foster care. The one who would pack her bags and leaves without a word like she didn’t care, but would let Tiffany hold little Mimi whenever she’s sad. The one who liked to pretend to be brave but clung to the first person that held her hand. That sweet little one who pushed people away but was terrified to be alone. The one who broke people’s hearts first before they could break hers. It turned out that that child didn’t really change that much.)

 

Tiffany could only pull Jessica in her arms to comfort her. "She wasn't lying," she whispered.

 

Jessica didn't believe her.

 

Because in Jessica’s mind, the last already happened. She just wouldn't admit that out loud. 

 

--

 

(When Yuri turned back, she couldn't see the butterfly anymore. She frowned. She wanted to show it to the girl. Maybe after that, the girl would stop looking so sad.)

--

 

Jessica let her fingers glide through the purple petals as she walked along the side of the flower beds, watching as the periwinkles danced to the tune of the chilly morning breeze. A harsher blow of the wind and Jessica burrowed her face deeper behind her scarf. The tip of her nose was red from the cold. She heaved a sigh and stared at her feet, too aware of the void of the space right beside her. She was freezing and the sight of Yuri’s back, meters ahead of her, made her feel even colder.

 

Coming there was Jessica’s whole idea. She wanted to bring Yuri someplace familiar; a place where some of their memories together were made, hoping, always hoping, for things as little as her name to come out of Yuri’s lips, the way it sounded when Yuri asked her to move in together.

 

But today, Yuri didn’t even want Jessica to be near her.

 

A text lit up Jessica’s phone in her pocket. It was her publisher asking to meet her. Urgent. She sighed. After quickly replying with an ‘I’ll be there in two,’ she dialed the number of Yuri’s personal nurse and watched from the distance as the woman picked up her phone.

 

“I need to go. Duty calls. Please take care of Yuri. I’ll see you back at the hospital at night time.”

 

“Okay, but don’t you want to-”

 

Jessica glanced at Yuri who’s walking slowly away from where she stood, disappearing little by little as their distance grew. Unusually, Jessica found breathing a little bit easier.

 

“No. It looks like she doesn’t need to anyway.” She hung up the call.

 

Later that day, Jessica arrived at Yuri’s room and fell asleep on the couch.

 

She didn't notice the small bouquet of periwinkles on the table.

--

 

(Yuri was woken up by the sound of soft shuffling and disturbed murmurs. Pulling herself out of the bed, she stood up and found herself alone in a room she couldn't recognize. On the walls hung pictures of smiling faces she couldn't remember seeing before. While the rest of the room was clean, papers littered the study table on the corner, where a computer stood and was left . A plate of half-eaten sandwich lay next to it, placed just beside two cups of a kind of black drink she couldn't place the name of.

 

There was a woman curled on a couch. She was sleeping, cheeks wet, brows furrowed and soft-looking lips murmuring unintelligible words repeatedly like a chant. It made Yuri want to touch her. She didn’t. She didn’t trust herself holding fragile things. Something told her she didn’t want to break this woman. 

 

So, she watched.

 

She sat down on the floor and pulled her knees to her chest, and watched those lips closely until she'd seen them enough to make sense of the words. 

 

"Liar. You left me, too.”)

--                                                                      

 

Jessica was woken up by the sound of a shrill cry. She shot up from the couch just as Yuri was sweeping off the things on her study table. On the floor laid a crumpled comforter, torn pictures scraped from the wall, broken shards of broken glass and droplets of blood. Yuri was crying.

 

Jessica’s eyes widened in panic at the sight.

 

“N-Nurse!” Jessica scurried away from her seat and hugged Yuri from the side, locking her in her arms, gently pushing her away from the area where glass littered the floor.

 

“Shhh. Baby, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here. Don’t cry.”

 

Her own voice wavered as she whispered soothing words to Yuri, while giving Yuri’s arm comforting which seem to do nothing to calm the girl down. Yuri struggled on her arms, lolling her head back, stomping her feet as she squirmed on Jessica’s grip. An elbow shot up and hit Jessica on the cheek.

 

Jessica winced but didn’t let go. “Please, baby. Stop. You’re going to hurt yourself.” 

 

But Yuri kept crying, wailing for dear life, and Jessica felt herself wanting to tear up from seeing her like this.

 

She felt Yuri’s knees begin to shake and soon they gave away. Both of them fell on the floor just in time the nurses come in and gasped at the mess.

 

Jessica sat on folded knees while keeping a hold on Yuri, whose outstretched legs were kicking aimlessly, and whose hysterical cries kept growing louder and louder by the minute.

 

The nurses asked permission to intervene, to hold Yuri for her, but Jessica shook her head. If the only thing she could for Yuri was to hold her, she’d do it alone.

 

Jessica continued cooing on Yuri’s ear, while she eyed the nurse knowingly. She watched him give a signal to Yuri’s nurse, who nodded in response and went out. A few minutes after, she went back with a syringe on hand.

 

Resting her forehead against Yuri’s temple, Jessica whispered an apology and tightened her hold on her before she led Yuri’s face to her shoulder. Jessica’s throat tightened when two pairs of hands held on Yuri’s arms and suddenly Yuri’s arms were around her, clinging to her for dear life.

 

“I’m sorry.” The needle plunged into Yuri’s arm and Jessica winced at the pain of Yuri’s teeth digging in her flesh.

 

Seconds later, she felt Yuri’s body gradually relax on her arms, her breath evening out as the drug took effect. Yuri's eyes got heavier and heavier by the second. Her body sagged until she was just a limp body on Jessica's hold.

 

Raking hands through raven black hair, Jessica leaned down to kiss Yuri’s forehead. “I love you.”

 

When she pulled away, half-lidded eyes met hers. Yuri blinked sleepily before her shaky fingers found the cut on Jessica's lips.

 

Jessica kissed them.

--

 

“I heard what happened. It’s not your fault.”

 

Tiffany sat beside Jessica on the bench, nursing her cup of coffee. She blew the steam off before she handed it to her. Jessica took it and took a sip.

 

“You know, if Yuri is seeing you right now, she’ll be so upset that she won’t give you a kiss for a week,” Tiffany quirked light-heartedly, bumping her shoulder with Jessica’s. She sighed when Jessica’s expression didn’t change at all, “I honestly don’t get why you’re blaming yourself over this. You heard the doctor. Incidents like this are common in cases like Yuri’s. It’s because they can’t remember recent memories that they easily become confused. Plus it’s not like you didn’t do anything to help.”

 

“It’s not that Tiffany.”

 

“Is it because she hurt her hand? Gosh, Jessica. That’s like a small ga-”

 

“Tiffany-”

 

“Then why are you being like this?!” Tiffany's voice was a little louder than her usually already loud one. She couldn't help it. She was getting frustrated.

 

Tiffany immediately regretted it when Jessica crumbled beside her, head lolled lifelessly, hand turning red from being scalded by the hot coffee that spilled from too much shaking of her hand. Her face showed no pain from it but from something else entirely. Epiphany finally hit Tiffany.

 

“No! You didn’t want to do that! Tell me you didn’t-”

 

“I've already signed the papers."

--

 

Jessica climbed on the bed after she was sure Yuri was still asleep. She laid herself behind Yuri and put her arms around her waist, not too tight but enough so she could satisfy her need to hold her. Just this time. Just this one last time.

-- 

 

(The hand that was on Yuri's waist when they slept was against Yuri's chest when the morning came. It was held by the darker set of hands. They're a bit colder than they used to be but they still held the same promise ring as Jessica's. When the nurse came for her morning bath, Yuri closed her eyes and didn't move. Yuri didn't know why she didn't want to have to let go just yet.)

--

 

When Jessica woke up, she was alone. A promise ring was laid beside her. She got up the bed, went to the bath, and started gathering her things.

 

She didn't try to find Yuri. 

--

 

Yuri was too far away and the days wouldn't wait for Jessica to catch up. She got left behind again. Her sense of direction wasn't as sharp anymore and she had long forgotten how to run but she tried to.

 

She couldn't find her way back this time. 

 

 

 

 

 

---

A/N: Some passages in this chapter wouldn't be easy to or couldn't be understood clearly, but you would if you kept attention on the previous chapters and if you've read the prequel, Homebound. I'll turn things around on the next chapter. Hold on to your hearts until that time, please.