Find Me

---

Jessica held the coat against Yuri’s shoulders as she led her in the cab. She got in and told the driver their destination before she scooted close to Yuri, securing the coat around her. Yuri stared outside the window. From her seat, Jessica could see the side of Yuri’s pale face and those purpling chapped lips. Sighing, she took Yuri’s cold hands between her palms and started rubbing on them. “You should have worn thicker clothing before you go,” she said with a sad smile, in which Yuri heeded no attention. She lifted up Yuri’s hand to her lips and began blowing warm breaths. She remembered Yuri doing that for her whenever she was cold. Her smile grew wider. She used to tell Yuri that she loves her more for that and watched as Yuri kissed each of her fingers.

When Jessica looked up, Yuri was already staring at their hands with mild curiosity glistening in her eyes.

“You liked that?” She raised her eyebrows.

Yuri only blinked back in response, to which Jessica smiled.

That seemed like an instinct to Jessica now. Smiling. She thought she needed to do that a lot now that Yuri rarely smiled anymore.

Jessica wondered why was that, really. She had been there for Yuri all along but as the days went by, Yuri just seemed to look more and more alone. She thought maybe it's the hospital room for being so white; Yuri's favorite color had always been blue. Or maybe it's the food; Yuri loved Ma juice and she'd always told Jessica her tuna sandwich was delicious. Here, all they feed her tasted like crap, even the milk was served cold.

Sometimes, Jessica thought maybe it's her. Maybe she should talk more. Maybe she should've told Yuri stories; like that story of the Runaway Princess and the Lost Navigator. Maybe Jessica had been lacking a lot. Maybe she was not as warm as Yuri needed her to be. Maybe her love was not enough. 

Thumbs that rubbed the back of Yuri’s hand stopped as Jessica stared at the lighter skin that lined one of Yuri’s fingers, “If - If I keep doing this,” Jessica started, hesitating with her next words, “...you won't leave me again, would you?” Jessica’s voice started shaking and sounding so small, “If I... If I keep on loving you... would you- would you love me again?”

She didn’t know why asked something so ridiculous but she still looked up, hoping for an answer.

Yuri only tilted her head to the side.

Jessica looked away bitterly, smiling at her own silliness.

Of course, she wouldn't answer. Yuri had forgotten you, stupid. What the hell do you expect from her?

Putting Yuri’s hands on her lap, Jessica slid Yuri’s promise ring off her finger and took Yuri’s hand to gently put the ring back where it belonged. Looking up at Yuri from under her lashes, Jessica bent down and kissed Yuri’s knuckles.

“Right now, this is the only thing that tells me you still love me. The only thing. Don’t take it off again, you hear me?” She pleaded softly, gaze searching the depth of Yuri’s eyes as if they would give her an answer.

Getting none, Jessica intertwined their fingers and leaned back to her seat, head turned to the window. Tears fell down on her face as she cried in silence. Knowing the answers to her silly questions should not be important; having Yuri there with her was supposed to be enough, but for some reason, Jessica just couldn't help but felt like Yuri left her alone in love.

--

Jessica dared not to move much from her current position as she tucked Yuri in the bed. One foot dangling on the side, one foot touching the carpet, she sat on the side of the bed quietly as she watched Yuri sleep. Avoiding moving her left hand, she bent down and gave Yuri’s forehead a kiss. When she pulled away, she smiled slightly when Yuri’s hand was still holding hers. She bent down again. Yuri deserved two more kisses.

--

The hospital was peaceful again. Jessica’s morning starts with a greeting.

“Good morning, Yuri-yah. My name is Jessica. Did you have a nice sleep?”

Jessica's back ached from too much sitting and her eyes were heavy from lack of sleep but those were forgotten the moment Yuri smiled at her that morning. She wished it, too, erased the hurt and the doubts from yesterday. Her chest still throbbed painfully and it's only getting more painful in each passing day. And Jessica's afraid nothing would make her get used to being forgotten.

--

By 7 am, Jessica helped the nurse keep Yuri clean. At 8, they took a morning walk. At 9, they ate. Jessica chewed as she watched Yuri poke her own food. Today, Yuri didn’t want her nurse to feed her. Jessica put a piece of meat on Yuri’s plate and watched the girl shove it in . She smirked, side-eyeing Yuri’s nurse. Jessica won this round.

--

The day went on with nothing unusual. They followed Yuri’s old routine, which mostly included activities that ‘exercise’ the mind. Drawing shapes and lines. Listening to music. Reading a children’s book. All the while, Jessica sat on her desk and typed. At the corner of her eyes, she saw Yuri smiling at a picture her nurse had pointed to. Jessica found herself pounding the keys with her fingers. On her screen was a series of Don’t be jealous. Don’t be jealous. Don’t be jealous. Don’t be jealous!!!!!!!

--

As the day turned to night, Jessica wondered if it’s possible for all the next days to be just like that. Quiet and easy. No more running away that made her think of the should be’s and the should haves. No more pretty patients standing on deserted playgrounds. No more pathetic crying and emotional breakdowns.

She wondered too if being a part of Yuri’s routine was all she could be now. Is that fact supposed to make her happy or sad? Was fading into the forgotten not supposed to make her doubt? Was yesterday just a phase? Did she really wish for the old Yuri back? Was being able to love Yuri alone not enough?

Jessica rolled to her side only to find Yuri lying flat on her back, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Jessica closed eyes and tried to remember the tender way her Yuri used to stare at her every night before they went to sleep. Her eyebrows furrowed. Why couldn't she picture her image? 

“Sleep tight, Yuri-yah,” Jessica whispered before turning her back on Yuri. She spent the night praying that tomorrow... tomorrow she'd remember how her Yuri used to love her. It was only a slip of the memory; Jessica would remember her Yuri eventually. Please, please, even only inside her thoughts, let her keep her Yuri. 

--

Two weeks after, havoc began again. A ceiling fan was suspended above Jessica as her nails dug the leather surface of the armrest. The room was awfully quiet as the doctor spoke. While Yuri laid four rooms away, probably staring at nothing, Jessica leaned her head back against the wall.

“I think it would be better for her if she spends the remaining of her life at home.”

Her lungs felt empty, heart clenched tightly on her chest. Everything felt so cold. Winter had come to get her.

Jessica found her answer.

--

Jessica leaned at the door as soon as she’s inside, closing it behind her. She in a breath. The previous conversation replayed in her mind like a broken tape. Sighing, she walked to the bed where Yuri lay motionless, blinking from time to time. Propping herself at the side of the bed, Jessica reached out to smoothen Yuri’s hair, smiling when Yuri turned to her. The smile was brief, teeth barely touching her lips. Her shoulders hunched. The fake cheerfulness almost drained her dry.

 “I’m sorry, I took long. Did you miss me?”

Yuri never openly complained about Jessica being late before but Jessica knew Yuri hated waiting. She tucked strands of Yuri’s hair gently behind her ears and gave Yuri’s cheek a kiss as some sort of compensation.

Pulling away, she studied Yuri’s face while Yuri twirled Jessica’s hair on her finger. Smoothing warm palm on Yuri’s cheek, Jessica let herself be lost in Yuri’s eyes and wished she stayed locked in them forever. There where the ocean met the sky and the red sun and purple night sky formed the sunset. The same point where Jessica’s kissed Yuri’s lips, where memories were just dreams and tomorrows stood endless.

“Because I did and I don’t think I would ever get used to it.”

--

“No.”

“Jessica, honey, Dr. Choi was right. Home was a better environment. And besides, staying here is expensive.”

“I said No, Omma. I’m ready to pay for everything. Please drop it.”

 “Listen, sweetheart, if you don’t think you could take care of Yuri at home, we could always-”

“No. You’re not going to take her away from me. Appa, I could take care of her perfectly. She’s going to stay here and I will stay with her 24/7 if I need to.”

 “Sweetheart, you’re not being rational here~”

“But I am! What if she stopped breathing? What would I do if that happens? When we’re alone, at home, should I let her die? Do you really expect me to do nothing?!”

“… In the end, that’s all we could do, sweetheart. Nothing.”

--

Pushing her shoes off with her toes, Jessica quietly climbed on the bed and crawled to Yuri’s side, putting Yuri’s arm around her shoulder. She rested her head on Yuri’s chest, fingers drawing circles on Yuri’s collarbone.

It almost felt like the way it was before. She locked Yuri’s chin between her fingers and made Yuri face her. Brown eyes stared back and Jessica winced painfully. Those blank eyes still hurt Jessica more than they should.

Tracing the contour of Yuri’s lips, Jessica stared at her face, drinking everything in until her heart swelled painfully. She watched Yuri’s eyes, keenly and attentively; searching, waiting, and hoping even for the slightest flicker of recognition.

But no matter how much she kept on searching, there was none.

“I love you, Jessica. I promise I will never forget you.”

Lie.

She clamped parched lips and settled back to Yuri’s chest.

For the first time in her life, the beating of Yuri’s heartbeats didn’t scream I love you’s. 

“Everyone seems to be giving up on you now,” Jessica said as she squeezed her eyes closed, holding back the tears. There’s no use for them now.

Feeling of the rising and falling of Yuri’s chest, she choked on her words, “But I won’t. I-I would never do that.”

She remembered all the assurance Yuri said and couldn’t keep. She in a breath, air came in painfully on her lungs.

Words were spoken between trembling lips, uttered with pieces of a broken heart.

“You lied to me so many times now. So let me trust you one last time.”

Hands clenched Yuri’s shirt, almost desperately. 

A voice cracked.

“Don’t leave me, Yuri-yah.”