-Minhyuk, what on earth was that? – I insisted, I didn’t know what to do, I knew I shouldn’t press him, not in the state he was, but on the other hand I felt like I myself would have a panic attack if I didn’t understand what was going on.

He was still hiding his face from me, and I could feel his chest going up and down in a pace still a bit too quick.

-Minhyuk please… - I begged – have I done something wrong? Please I need to know…

He sighed and hugged me tighter just for an instant, before letting go to place one hand on my cheek, and look into my eyes.

He looked so very tired, but wary.

-Listen Ha In-he sighed, I moved and sat down next to him, taking one of his hands between mine – before you met me…Well quite a long time before that I had some….issues to deal with…

-With issues you mean…the panic attacks?

He nodded.

-That and trust problems, it became quite a problematic situation, I almost didn’t make it to debut – he confessed.

That ringed a bell.

-Wait – I said – did all that happen after…well after your noona…?

I felt his whole body tensing next to mine, and his hand accidentally clutched mine.

He nodded for all response.

None of us spoke in a while.

-How much do you know about Eun Ji? – he asked out of nowhere.

I had never heard that name in my life, but I supposed he meant his noona.

-Well, not much, only what the boys told me, that you dated from high school to right before your debut and that you broke up because…

He raised his head to look at me, it scared me how empty his eyes seemed.

-Because she was cheating on me?

I bit my lip and turned my head to one side so I didn’t have to look at him before nodding.

-Well things are slightly more complicated than that – he said, a shiver ran through my spine upon hearing his voice, not the kind of shivers that he normally provoked in me, not warm and electric-like, but cold, the kind you get when someone slides ice under your clothes, the same I used to get when he was the jerk I first met.

A horrible feeling settled all over me and I felt a horrible emptiness both on my chest and the mouth of my stomach.

-I first saw Eun Ji when I was on my first year of High School, she was my sunbae so I really never got to talk to her, but I was smitten by her, well all the guys were – he chuckled with a cold and dark laugh – I had never seen someone so beautiful as her in my whole life, she seemed so perfect at first I thought I had imagined seeing her.

I slowly twisted my face to look at Minhyuk, he wasn’t looking at me but at the wall opposite to us, his back resting against the headboard, but his eyes were completely lost in the past, somewhere where I couldn’t join him.

-As I’ve already said, I didn’t talk to her in a whole year, I had never dated a girl before, I didn’t know how to approach her, and she was so perfect…I didn’t seem worthy to even step close, I felt like a little kid compared to her.

The emptiness seemed to grow bigger with every word.

-What did you do then? – I asked with a broken voice, he didn’t seem to notice though.

-Well, she always hung around the cleverest and most popular kids of our school, so I figured the easiest way to meet her would be becoming one. I had always loved sports so gaining recognition through that wasn’t hard, I also worked extra hard so my marks would get good, and they did, so by second year I was already quite popular, and that’s when one day she talked to me.

Through the corner of my eye I could see he was smiling, and I was doing my best not to break into tears.

-We started getting along and suddenly one day she confessed to me, I was so happy I felt I could fly! And soon I was dating the hottest most popular girl in the whole school. Through my last years she wasn’t there, as she was already at university, in Seoul, but we kept dating, we talked very often and we would see each other every time she came back home, and I even visited her in Seoul a few times…I really thought I had found the one, I could not fathom a person I could love more than I loved her, I could already imagine us growing old together, marrying….

I gripped the sheets as strongly as I could, my nails scratched the skin of my palms through the cloth but I didn’t care.

-Anyway, I was done with High School and moved to Seoul, to pursue my dream of becoming an idol and, well I won’t deny she was one of the main reasons for me coming here…

I was aware of how I was making my lip bleed, but I couldn’t afford bursting into tears now.

-I wanted to live with her right away, after all we had already spent more than a night together – he said, in a completely blank voice.

Not all my efforts were able to keep the tears in my eyes any longer, and allowed them to roam free, but silently, across my face.

-She refused to do so, she assured it would make her efficiency at university to drop, and I believed her, I always took everything she said as if it was gospel, so, I pursued my dream, and it wasn’t easy at all, but she was there, not always, not most of times, since she was “busy” with all her university work, there was always some paper to hand, some project to work with, she would constantly be with some project partner, and if she was with me then she would surely be texting them, but back then, I didn’t mind, I understood.

Guilt washed all over my body like cold water, and horrified I turned to look at him.

His eyes were glistening and his knuckles were white, still staring at the wall. His eyes moved slightly to look at me and his brows furrowed.

-Are you crying? – he asked, there was concern in his voice, but it still wasn’t the voice of the Minhyuk I loved, but the one I feared.

I shook my head and once again turned to be facing the wall.

-No, I’m not – I replied, quickly drying my cheeks in a swift movement.

-Ha In…

-My eyes tear up easily, Minhyuk, and you know it, I’m not crying – I cut him.

He remained silent for a short moment before going back to his story.

-Around that time I started attending university too, I was starting to realise that my dream wasn’t likely to come true, and I needed some back up plan, so I went back to studying, I realised some of the guys she worked in her projects with weren’t on her class, some didn’t even study her degree, but she always explained it to me, and it always made sense, I realise I was an idiot, but back then I was so smitten I was ready to believe anything she told me, if she had told me to jump from a building because I could fly I would have probably done it.

He made a pause to laugh.

-Then I entered the Cube, and I met the guys, and she met the guys, they got along very well, but it wasn’t too late until they smelled something fishy in her, they tried to tell me, but I refused to listen…And then…on our third anniversary I wasn’t able to be with her, we were about to debut after all. But I sneaked into her apartment all in all, and I was forced to face the truth….as she wasn’t spending our anniversary alone.

He stopped talking, and tension lingered in the air.

-Minhy… - I started.

-The boys were a great support – he told me, as if he hadn’t heard me – and I knew they were glad we had broken up, they knew she was no good for me…but I…I had built my whole life around her, that’s why it took me so long to admit what others had seen so long ago, when I met her I was so naïve, and my mind was filled with fantasies about  true love and she suited the image perfectly, I am aware I am not the only one she lured into her twisted couple games, she had a talent to sneak into someone’s mind and make him believe what she wanted, she enjoyed toying with people, like puppets on a show, I guess I was her best work…But she destroyed me, completely…I lost everything I was…Our debut had to be rescheduled because I wasn’t able to think straight, I would not sleep and I would have panic attacks constantly, I had lost all trust on myself….It took me months to fully overcome it…and when I did…Well I was terrified of it happening again, I was convinced that if I ever loved someone again, she would crush my heart the same way…

He laughed again.

-I didn’t even know what love was yet I was terrified to find it! That’s why when you appeared, I was desperate to push you away, I didn’t know you, and I didn’t want to, I didn’t want any girl close to me, because I would always find in them something that reminded me of noona. But you stayed, and the more I looked at you, the least I saw her, and the more I liked you the most I hated myself for doing so…I was such a mess…And yet you stayed, that’s why…

He paused, and this time his voice had changed once again, he sounded the most vulnerable I had ever heard him, I faced him, and he was kneeling facing me, his eyes were teary.

-That’s why I am terrified of losing you Ha In, you are…You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, there’s no one, nothing I would want more than you, you have become everything I feared having, and I love you and I am the happiest when I am with you, but I worry constantly because if I ever lost you… - he gasped and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I launched myself into his arms and hugged him as close as I could. His arms were pressing me against him so tightly I feare