PS : Sorry for the late update and I wish you enjoy this if you're still reading. My heart ached so bad while writing. As always, I hope we can share the pain. Comments are welcome, Thank you. ( I don't know what got in to me, this is not supposed to hurt)

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Seunghyun ain't having it, no more

He is determined. He wanted Jiyong. He need Jiyong to talk. To speak, To tell him everything.

He need the insurance. 

He need the label.

He need more than this.

The frustration is building up on him and it stressing him too.

The fact that Jiyong has stopped talking and looking at him.

Jiyong stopped looking at his eyes when he talked too.

Jiyong stopped so many things at once.

And Seunghyun is left with nothing but questions left unsaid.

Seunghyun can't understand and he needs his answers.

He knew Jiyong is always online because man, people said that Jiyong has no friends.

The thruth is Jiyong has many friends, a lot of em, he just shoved and pushed everyone away.

Because who is he kidding?

He doesn't deserve any friend. 

He doesn't need anyone.

He only got him self.

He is his own hero and worst enemy.

Seunghyun posted a quote from their fav song (Rihanna's song that he got from Jiyong's phone), they listened to this song when they off to the lunch at one afternoon.

Seunghyun wanted Jiyong to understand, that this, this quote, this lyric, this whole song is for him.

Jiyong posted

"Hey boy I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me?" 

It triggered him

He teased Jiyong at school in front of everyone and Jiyong just cursed at him and laughed it off.

Their classmates were just act bluff and laugh at Jiyong, they said Jiyong is desperate for love.

Well partly because Jiyong need that the most.

Days later,

Seunghyun posted

"Hey girl I really wanna be with you!"

Jiyong wished it so bad to be him.

He wished Seunghyun want to be with him.

He wished he is the you of that post.

This is , Jiyong thought

Loving someone that could never love you

But Jiyong once again, is a master of unrequited love

so what is love to Jiyong?

"What is love"

Answer the question and you're gonna make a movie project, each one of you must talk and act in front of the camera. And I'll get the video by the end of this week. Their lecture said, so they parted themselved in team and started recording and getting it.

"What is love to you"

Jiyong hissed at that question. He remembered Peter Pan said about love, "I don't know what is it, even the sounds of it offends me."

And he watched his classmates all smiling while answering, he waited for his turn and he waited for Seunghyun's too. He wanted to know what Seunghyun thinks about this .

"Love is love"

"Love is blind"

"Love is caring about others first"

"Love is friendship"

"Love is my boyfriend"

Jiyong's turn

"Love is...he thought and then smiled at the black memories and the scars and he then gave up. "Love is bull." Jiyong said firmly.

He got back to his seat and watched other's. One thing about Jiyong is that he is unthinkable. He acted out of impulse and his mood. Seunghyun knew it all to well that Jiyong is the kindest sweetheart at their class. Because Jiyong is. Because Jiyong was a hero to the students. He take notes and he doesn't mind to share it with others. People copied his notes and Jiyong is glad that he can help. He also send his memo and the presentation to some friends. The only thing is to ask. Ask jiyong and the answer is always okay.

Seunghyun tried one day. Is not that he needs the material he doensn't like studying either but for the sake of chatting with Jiyong, here we go. Seunghyun bbm-ed him, he asked Jiyong whether he has the powerpoint presentation or not. Jiyong said yes and he said he'll send it by email for him. Two hours later he got a new message from Jiyong. He said sorry that he's late, and he said that he is uploading the material now. Is there anyone out there being sorry for the things that he didn't do? Only Jiyong.

Seunghyun's Turn

"Love is so many things at once. Love can be from your family, love can be from your friends and collagues, love can be from girls, love can be from boys, love can be the attraction when you see others too.

That's it

Jiyong knew that now, the difference between them.

Seunghyun is so full of love and happiness that he can't wait to find the right person and pouring it all into that person.

On the other hand.

Jiyong saw love as an enemy. The one he tried so hard to get rid off. Because when he remember love, he can only recall the pain. The pain of loving someone that already has someone special, the pain of loving someone who actually dating his classmate without him knowing, the pain of giving chocolates on valentine's day to his senior without getting anything, the pain of waiting for call and message that never come, the pain of waiting for something he knew won't happen, and the pain of loving someone secretly (which is his speciality)

It's always happened like this

Jiyong kept falling for boys that can't love him back, won't love him back

And Jiyong did that for years.

Loving his crush for years until they didn't see each other and he started to forgot that person and fall with another boy for years and forgot and it keeps going on and on and he's tired.

Until Seunghyun happened.

He tried so hard to ignore Seunghyun

To stop liking and even loving Seunghyun

To stop searching for Seunghyun's face at school

But his heart won't listen

And he hate him self for that

So he keep it all to him self.

Their friends keep asking what is Seunghyun to him since they both were always be together. Jiyong would said, just friend.

Yeah. Just friend. Even years after they being friends, they're still friends. Just friends.

Jiyong is tired, so tired.

His demons are strong and he's too weak to fight them.

So he let them win.

He wanted to cut him self but what if his classmates and his lecturers see, what if Seunghyun see?

So he tried so hard not to cut him self on the wrist. But he cut him self in many places without the blade.

He ignored people (including his groups of friends, including Seunghyun)

He doens't talk

He only talk when being ask

He is quite, he's been so quite

There is no life in him anymore and Seunghyun knew that

He wanted to help

He wanted to know what's going on with Jiyong

but he doesn't know how

The distance between them is like an ocean and he can't swim.

They didn't talk anymore

Even when they passed each other

Even when Seunghyun smiled and waved at Jiyong

Jiyong seems like he didn't see Seunghyun and just walked straight

It hurts Seunghyun too.

Seunghyun asked,

"Why don't you be in a relationship with Soonho? He's single and you're single"

You're single as hell too, Seunghyun.

But Jiyong can't say that so he went with "He can't dress well."

"As simple as that?" 

"Yeah" Jiyong answered. "As simple as that"

"People think you're dating him because you've always been together with him at the class"

"Well, it's because we've been groupmates for the projects and I like working with him. And he liked working with me so yeah he'd be my partner at the groups. That's it."

"You let him whispered things to you, You let him drives you, You let him take you to dinner."

You didn't let me

You said yes to him, but not to me

Seunghyun wanted to continue with "Then why the hell you acted like you're dating him when you don't? but he knew he can't.

"We're just friends and friends played around a lot, Seunghyun. Just like you and me."

Jiyong closed the talk with a smile and bid his farewell.

Seunghyun is bitter and frustrated.

Jiyong is confused. 

Why is it like this?

Why is it always happens?

Why must Seunghyun?

Why can't he just fall with a boy who will also fall for him and ready to catch him.

Jiyong is tired to fall alone, so tired.

Seunghyun is tired too. 

He is tired of Jiyong's lack of anything and he wanted to help Jiyong.

He wanted to know what's going on with Jiyong.

What happened to the happy and cheerful Jiyong he knew?

What happened to the kind and all smiley Jiyong?

Seunghyun is afraid of the things that's happening with Jiyong.

Youngbae said Jiyong is getting worse. 

"You can see it don't you, Seunghyun?"

"He's breathing but he's not living." Youngbae said.

"I saw him yesterday. We kind of gazed at each other's eyes but that's it. He walked away."

"You're lucky, he didn't even throw a glance at me. Somehow I think he's not present when his body is. It's like he's nowhere. I talked and asked him about things but most likely, what happened was, that, he's just looking at me and stared at me for seconds and then walked away. That happened a lot. I don't understand."

"The thing is Seunghyun, you know all too well that he needed help and I think you should help him."

Seunghyun didn't know what to reply. He wanted to cry and so desperately want to be with Jiyong, and help him but he doesn't know how.

Youngbae said that it's his problem to solve. 

How he wish he can solve Jiyong too.

How he wish he can mend Jiyong.

How he wish he can fix Jiyong.

But who is he?

He can't even fix him self.

He is also a mess and he cover it with being cocky and friendly. People might think that he is showing off, the thing is that he is afraid to be open, the last time he's being open he got cut to deep. But he still has faith at people's kindness and at love.

When Jiyong ain't having that anymore.

His lecturer asked Seunghyun one day after school, about what's going on with Jiyong lately.

"He's been different. He's my fav. He's always got to the class on time and even always present one hour before the lesson, and he always completed and did his best for the projects. Now look at him. He's listening but not really listening. He's doing the task but that's it he's just doing it for the sake of finishing it and for the sake of getting rid of it. What happened to him? Is there something wrong, Seunghyun? Any problem with his family? Did he suffers from heartbreak or is he sick or someone's who's so close to him is dead?"

"I'm sorry, Sir. But I have no idea. If only I know I would tell you."

"I wish Jiyong is back. That's it, I wish the jiyong we knew is back. He's the most brilliant, you know."

"Yes, he is, Sir."

Seunghyun left the lecturer's office and he can't stop thinking.

He doens't know anything about Jiyong.

And he is desperately want to know about this.

How he wish Jiyong is an open book so he can be read.

How he wish he knew how to talk to Jiyong.

How he wish Jiyong would talk to him.

How he wish he has the right to help Jiyong.

How he wish he has the right to protect Jiyong.

How he wish Jiyong can give answers to all of his frustrations.