(So this is it? Thank you for staying with me after all these years. I once started this one when I was still can't stop thinking about one particular person, and thing has changed ever since. I am glad that I can share the pain with you here. Hope you enjoy this as much as I do. 

P.s  : When Jiyong went thru an accident, I was actually having a hard time too at life and was decided to leave this story with character death. But thanks to you, that I found strength again. 

P.p.s : Happy reading.)

*

I probably wasn't the one that he wanted
I wasn't worth the try
Besides our timing never worked
We would never work out
But I swear, I swear on the sky, when I saw you and I caught you already smile at me. 
I guess we both knew.

*

Work has been taking his life on it's toll
Seunghyun wasn't just tired, he was exhausted -  he was practically sacrificing sleep for pennies cos he has a flight to pay. There's a-one-in-a-million collaborations slash exhibition at MOMA, and there is no way in hell, he ain't going.

"But Youngbae, it's MOMA for sake MOMA. I can't risk my anything for this. Sleep can wait."
"You stubborn er. I know you always love going to exhibitions but please health is way more expensive than plane tickets."
"Yeah, this is the last week I'd take after hours. I promise."
"By friday, I'll meet you home before 7pm okay? Then we'll eat with the boys."
"Okay."

He has been talking about how great this upcoming exhibition would be to his roommates and they are so bored with it to the point they groaned when Seunghyun started mentioning the word "art exhibition"

Things went blur after that. With Seunghyun taking leave for awhile from work, his time pretty much preoccupied over the fact that he'll be in LA in a few days. He had pay every expenses for the next two weeks there. Hard work pays well afterall. He'd been begging Youngbae and Daesung and even Kyungil to join him but they all refuse. It's not like they can't afford the expense - they just can't put their heads around the fact that Seunghyun was so into art in these past years to the point that he's willing to pay such fare for travelling and for said exhibition. Youngbae once said he'd use the money for start paying installment for a sport motorbike instead. As for Kyungil, he'd used it for clothes. And Daesung being Daesung jabbed right into Seunghyun's inside and burn it down -

"Seunghyun, not to ruin your over-excitement but you're gonna be in the same city as Jiyong for two weeks. I repeat two weeks."
Like I didn't know that, Seunghyun groans.
"You don't need to rub salt on my almost healing wound, dearest Daesung."
"Hmm, sorry. Just in case, hope you're ready this time. Maybe you'll meet him?"
"Do you think LA is just like Busan or what Jeju? It's huge, Dae. There's no way in hell he- I - I mean - sorry I didn't mean to yell at you."
"Yeah. Sorry I should've not bring this sore object."
"Seunghyun, Daesung and I are good friends of you aren't we?"
"What is this you guys?"
"I thought you ought to know that Jiyong is working at Bazaar and he uhm - he actually the person that represents the magazine in this annual exhibition."

His heart sinks.
He was upset and he didn't know why.
He was upset that the thought of Jiyong still can make him feeling things, after all this time.
Youngbae left a newest issue of Harper's Bazaar magazine themed modern art and there were a lot of sticky notes there. Seunghyun wondered since when did Youngbae started reading a fashion magazine? What did he find amusing in here? 
He grabbed it and when he opened those pages marked by purple sticky notes - he never wanted to die this bad.

It's Jiyong.
Jiyong's face, Jiyong's smile, Jiyong - 
There was 5 pages of his interview about the upcoming project. 
Seunghyun can't helped but staring at the magazine. If this is the only way to see Jiyong then be it.

Daesung came and sat next to him. He needs company after all.
"Go pack your bags, Seunghyun. If you and Jiyong are meant to meet again, then it will. Don't torture yourself."
"I don't know, Dae, I'm afraid."

So much for moving on and leading a good life.
After all this time, whether it's in Korea and even when he's going overseas - Jiyong is everywhere.
But still this is one of his dreams. He always wanted to visited MOMA and also other museums there. He was never a fan of LA. It was "too hype" for him. Seunghyun is such a New York-er, if you wanted to put it that way. 
He never knew going abroad can put him in a lot of stress like this. So he decided to grab coffee and then go back to continue packing. It was a wednesday evening - chilly. Seoul is always beautiful like this, orange sky surrounded by clouds and there was a shy moon hiding behind it.

He went to his fav cafe in Myeongdong and grabbed a hot caramel macchiato takeaways. He walked, walked, and walked and then he found him self surrounded by street foods parlor - his mind is playing games at him. He started wondering what if he actually meeting up with Jiyong? What should he do? What should he say? Will it be awkward? Does Jiyong hates him? 

He might never know.
He stopped near the bridge for awhile, there was a family with their two kids talking inanimately together while having hot odeng. It must be nice to have somebody to crush to, Seunghyun tought. Somebody he can be with. Somebody to love and to belong.
He doesn't need this added melancohly so he decided to walk home, continue packing, and to sleep early. His flight is tomorrow night after all.

*

Work has been a blur for Jiyong.

He was so preoccupied with preparing the exhibition and his body can't keep up with it anymore.

His acidic stomach been acting strange since in the morning - so he ate plenty spoonful of rice with steaming soup that he grabbed at the cafetaria downstairs and get back to work. Old habits die hard, he was never good at dealing with stress.

Jiyong always like watching people by the window, especially when it's raining like this. What are they searching for? Why some people go from the left to the right road? Why some people go back and forth? What are we trying to do in this awful world? What are we searching for? Why we all are trying so hard to make a living to the point that we forgot to live?

Here we go again, Jiyong thought.

He's been thinking about a lot of things - prone to stress and anxiety he guessed. It's not that things got worse at work. Things actually went really well. His coworkers have been helping a lot and with Seungri assisting, this exhibition project is going so smooth as how he wanted be. But maybe because the fact that it goes well, it made Jiyong even more stressed. What if happens?? What is he accidentally break a paintings? These thoughts are so disturbing and he thinks that he might as well take leave. He needs to rest. He needs it. Sleep with helps soothes all of this away, he thought.

He end up sleeping in his office's sofa and strangely he smelled something so alluring - scent of fresh bake croissant and black coffee. He wonders whether he's imagining things and when he opened his eyes, it was dark outside. He approached his table and found out that Seungri left croissant and still warm coffee on his desk also a note that said "stop stressing yourself, you , it'll all be okay"

He smiles.

It's nice to have a friend who cares and didn't judge his condition.

He sat there, enjoying said lukewarm black water with a piece of croissant. Turns out it still raining outside.

How long has it been since he's been like this?

Years he thinks. Uni had ruined his brain and he is sure about that. But at least he doesn't want to die anymore so all is great. He can't bring himself to work at night like this so he decided to stay inside and sit while watching the night by his window.

Head can't help but wonders how does it feel to be in Seoul right now? Is it snowing hard there? Or is it pouring just like here in LA? What is his family doing now? What is his friends doing? What is Seunghyum doing?

Seunghyun.

So much for calming himself. 

It's almost as his mind is his own enemy cos it kept torturing himself with what ifs. Does Seunghyun misses him? Cos Jiyong does. If there's a chance for him to let us be friends again, to be close again, he would do it in a heartbeat. Nothing breaks your heart as to lose a best friend. And a best friend that you happened to had a crush on, to be exact.

Why did he and Seunghyun grew apart? 

How will Seunghyun looks like right now?

Would he still wearing long sleeve shirt everywherr? Just like how he used to during uni? Or would Seunghyun rocked cotton candied color sneakers now? 

Sometimes Jiyong wishes he can at least stalked Seunghyun online. But that strange guy, sadly had no social media account at all. He can't seem to find it.

That night he slept imagining that he's still in uni and then he saw him and Seunghyun walking together to class and chatting while smiling at each other. 

Somedays are better than others.

Some nights are way more bearable.

And tonight is one of them.

2 days until the legendary exhibition will be open to public, his exhibition, his project, this is his life. All the hard work for the past weeks will pay off in the next days won't it? 

All the preparation had been done, he just have to making sure with the event organizer's pic that everything will go as plan.

Strangely, he slept well this days. Thanks to the cigs. He tried smoking before bed and it helps, it calm his mind that he end up sleeping soundly at night while getting closer to being impotent slash cancer. 

He woke up early this morning.

Feeling excited cos it'll be open tomorrow! And he needs to kick and makr sure that everything is perfect. He is wearing a Saint Laurent silk shirt, hair styled in a pompadour, and rocked a pair of white oxford. He hopes today will be good as how good he looks and feels right now. 

He decided to walked into Starbucks afterwards and ordered hot black coffee instead. He sat near the window, plugged his laptop there and starts working.

He just need to send a few e-mail as reminders for tomorrow and then he'll be good to go.

Finally he can relaxed cos he just finished all the things that he should do. And then suddenly he heard his phone ringing - Seungri. He prays to whichever god that listening that nothing messed up on the D-1 like this. 

"Jiyong, where are you?"

"I'm at Starbucks two blocks from office. Just finished emailing the organizer. All is well. Why are you calling me?"

"It's..I don't know how to tell you this but please don't get panic. But Jiyong I am panicking you see? If I am like this, how can you not? My gosh"

"Seungri, please just ing tell me."

"Ugh, can you crash to the exhibition venue real fast? I think we need to get plumber or any service things cos two chairs that came from London are broken and the frame from a Gogh's painting is losing its color and idk why. Is this because the rain? That it went inside the packaging and ruin it???"

"Seungri, you're getting on my nerves."

"Please Jiyong just get back here, okay? Boss already called people from maintenance but they still haven't arrived yet. Oh and do you bring your laptop? I need to get in touch with the insurance company about this."

*

"I'm on my way, okay? Yes, I bring my laptop with me. No, please don't worry. I'll work it for you right now. Okay, calm down."

And he crashed to a man. Nice wingtip, Jiyong thought.

"This is my favorite shirt." Jiyong said to him self.

He is angry.

Who do you think you are spilling your coffee into my favourite shirt, and it's monday, for sake.

He was about to curse and then he saw this face.

The face of his long almost lover, ex-crush, still his crush if he can be honest with him self.

He finally smelled that infamous Dior Homme, again.

Choi Seunghyun in his classy glory, white Thom Browne long sleeved shirt rolled up to elbow, carrying a briefcase and a hot cup.

"Holy "

The man of his dreams all over this years, smiling right in front of his eyes, ear to ear.

"Nice to meet you too, Kwon Jiyong. It's been so long."