Dear Diary,

I am having a hard time dealing with my feelings... Everyday.... it gets harder everyday. Is it stupid of me to wait for him to finally notice me and my feelings?

His happiness used to be enough for me to smile but, it becomes more and more difficult for me to smile when the source of his happiness is someone else than me. Am I being selfish? Is it this selfishness that prevents me from smiling to his happiness now... Is it selfish of me to desire such happiness too?

Why can't -

"Hey Cutie pie!”

Damn, he always appears on the rare occasions where I don't want to see him. Play it cool, Hana, breathe in... breathe out and smile!

"You scared the crap out of me Kim Jongin!"

Nice... that was well played. I should seriously consider becoming an actress.

"Sorry Hana. But what were you writing that made you so unaware of your surroundings? You know, I've been standing there for more than–" he was stretching out his hand to reach out for my old, thick and dusty notebook, but I was able to cut his actions short by slapping his hand away.

"How many times do I have to tell you that this is personal meaning YOU, curious little thing, can't read it! Understood?" He nodded with an annoyed face, being curious and stubborn, he probably was still thinking about what I could have written down there. Thank God I was able to stop him, or else.... I don't even want to think about it... This notebook bares all my deepest secret. It would be catastrophic if he was to read it one day. 

With lazy movements, he threw himself on my bed, face first, messing my sky blue covers a bit. I turned around from my desk that was to the left side of my bed to watch him do as he pleased. A really thin smile curved my lips' corners up; he was just too cute that it urged me to smile. But then again, I should not let myself get entangled even more. 

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Soojung?"

"Is it forbidden to come and visit my best friend now?” I shot him a not-so-playful glare to which he immediately added, "Besides, Soojung is at Taemin's for some project or something they have to do."

Of course... I'm always his second choice... Six months ago, I was his only choice; he was always with me, day and night. At anytime we were together, people even assumed that we were a couple and then she came. God I can't even be mad at her for she is really sweet and it is obvious that she cares for him too. I hate the fact that she is so perfect; I can't blame her for taking my best friend a.k.a. first love away from me. If she was a total brat or something like that, it would have been so much easier.... Why did she have to trans-

"Earth to Hana!"

"Huh? What?"

"You've been zoning out the whole time, haven't you?”

"Maybe..." I bit my bottom lip, lowering my head slowly; a habit that I had developed when I was 'guilty'. Seeing my actions, he sighed. True; this has been happening to me quite often lately. I should really control my thoughts. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was saying..." He started on a neutral tone but then on an exasperated one, he continued. "Don't you think that she's been spending a lot of time with Taemin Hyung lat