After Krystal had left I withdrew back to my room. I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed before; then again maybe I had. The signs had always been there but I hadn’t noticed them because I couldn’t acknowledge that there was even the slightest possibility that my sister had more than sisterly feeling towards me.

I remember a few years ago when I had woken up one morning and looked at my sister. It was like she had grown up over night, and instead of being my cute little baby sister she was now the stunningly beautiful young woman.  That alone spelled doom for me. It was bad enough that I was more interested in girls than guys, but now here I was looking at Krystal feeling things I’d never felt before.

The next two years in were particularly bad for me. I mean seriously what kind of person lusts after their own sister. Of course it wasn’t till I’d dated my second guy that I realized that this went far beyond lust, I was completely and utterly in love with my sister. Being in love with my sister scared me I knew better than to have feeling for her. It was wrong to love her the way I did.

So, for the next two years a dated a string of mostly guys and a few girls. I felt that if I dated guys it would cure my interest in girls thus killing my not so sisterly love for my sister. In fact the only reason I settled down with Heechul was because she had expressed such a great concern of my dating streak and I didn’t want to make my little sister worry about me.

Even now I keep referring to her as my little sister because thinking about her as anything else terrified me.  She like the best friend you fall in love with but could never be with. Of course if she were my best friend the chances would have been exponentially higher; Taeyeon and Tiffany had been proof of that.

Taeyeon and Tiffany had been like that for a while, everyone knew they were in love but unless Tiffany could loosen the reigns on her religion just a little bit it would never happen. Tiffany had always been a firm believer of a man should marry a woman that was until she started falling in love with Taeyeon. But no amount of praying or lack there of would ever make it okay to be in love with my sister.

As much as I love Krystal it’s unfair for me to keep her here just because I want to have them both. I realize now that I should have been looking for signs that she felt the same way. At least then I could have tried to help her move on before it became such an issue. How did this even happen?

Who am I kidding? If I had known she felt the same way without a doubt in my mind I know I would have tried to be with her. Back then I was young and naïve, but now I was on my way to getting married. I’ve become more rational and realistic now, and all signs point to this ending in heartbreak for both of us. I chuckled bitterly we were both already heartbroken and the only solution can’t even be considered an option.

I can’t even think of one person who would support us if we even attempted to be together. I always thought that as a big sister I should protect my baby sister from the harsher things in life. Who knew that I was the main reason she had to experience such things. I could officially claim the title as the worst sister. Being in love with her put me in the running but making her suffer so much got me first place.

How could I be so stupid? How to deal with being in love with your sister 101 was clearly a class I missed. This whole ordeal was incredibly frustrating. This isn’t some love story where two people play awkward find out the both love each other and live happily ever after.

This is real life and in reality it is not okay to fall in love with your sister. There is no happy ending for us at least not with each other. I don’t know about Krystal but to me she’s my one in only. No matter whom I end up with at the end of the day Krystal is the one I will always love the most.

Part of me hopes that maybe she doesn’t love me as deeply as I do her. But at the same time it hurts to think that she might one day find the love of her life and leave me behind. What right did I have to lay claim to her? She could never be mine and I could never be hers.

It’s times like these that I think that I’ll never truly be happy.

“What the hell am I suppose to do?”

“Jessica,” I turned to see Krystal standing in the doorway.

“Krystal I want to go to New York with you!” I don’t even know where that came from but it was out in the open now.

“Wait, what?” Krystal looked completely stunned. “The whole point of me leaving is to forget about you and you want to come with me? No way.” She shook her head firlmy crossing her arms.

“Just for a month the two of us and if you still want to stay at the end of the month I won’t stop you. I’ll come back without you and we’ll go on living our lives separately,”

“I don’t. I came here to apologize not ask you to go on some sort of adventure with me.” I could tell she was uncertain.

“Think of it as closure. Whatever happens in New York will stay between us.” I know it's selfish to do such a thing but I know deep down it would kill me to just let her go like this.