I'm a bit frightened to post this chapter although I was really trying hard not to go too far. I'm not suggesting anything and I hope I don't overstep the line or hurt anybody with this. I'm aware that it's a delicate topic.

ref:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldqm6aBb9mM  (it's not exactly the one I was referring to, but I like this even better)

THX TO LittleArmy for pointing out the mistake concerning Jo Kwon. He's 2am of course, not 2pm.

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“Are you seriously asking me if Key was gay?” Jonghyun looks at me as if I completely lost my mind. “After all these years you want to break the rules?”

He’s right, of course. We had this unwritten don’t-ask-don’t-tell rule among SHINee members as far as relationships and were concerned. After the disastrous time with Shin Se Kyun Jong had decided he wouldn’t share anything intimate about his private life anymore, neither with us or anybody else who knew him, and we had all agreed not to discuss these topics anymore.

“It’s just ...”, I say and then don’t know how to end the sentence.

“You’re not getting any of those letters, are you?” Jonghyun asks suddenly concerned. “Jinki Hyung, you have to tell me. Is there anybody threatening you?”

“No no nonono”, I answer, “I’m fine”, I’m not getting any of those ... letters. And Jonghyun sits back in his chair, relieved.

I’m paying him my usual visit but there are a lot of things bugging me lately. I want to talk to him about them but they never come out right. It’s like Onew Sangtae took over my common sense. But I try again.

“What I wanted to know is, if he was in love with somebody.”

Jong looks at me, then looks away.

“I don’t really want to talk about this, Hyung”, he says, “And it doesn’t matter, does it?”

“I know it doesn’t matter. I just, I keep wondering if there was somebody he loved. And I can’t even answer the simple question whether it would have been a man or a woman.”

“If you’re reading fanfiction we’re all gay”, Jonghyun says after a while. “If wearing make-up and freaky fashion counts as gay we all are. And if you ask western people, Americans, Europeans, we’re all gay because we touch each other far too often, or at least we did.” He’s getting angry.

“I know”, I tell him, “but ...”

“Hyung,” he grabs my hands, “don’t you remember what it was like when we started our training as a group? We were kids then. Taemin was only thirteen. We had practice around the clock, got up at 5 am, morning practice, school, homework, practice, dinner, practice, studying, practice, practice, practice until 11pm sometimes longer. When we went to bed we didn’t even have enough power left to and if you managed to work up a once a month the roly poly was probably occupying your bed when you got there.”

The roly poly ... I had completely forgotten Taemins nickname from the early years. Of course it had been Key who gave it to him. Taemin had the habit to curl up into a tiny ball in bed. He was so skinny that he was always cold and our old dorm bedroom didn’t have any heating. So most nights we found him in one of our beds and either grudgingly or friendly shared the narrow space. Sometimes he cried a little because he was homesick. But most of the time he was just snuggling up to whoever had the pleasure and slept like a log.

When T-ARA released “roly poly” in 2011 we kept teasing Taemin that it was dedicated to him.

“Yes, but ...”, I start again.

“What I’m trying to tell you is, that most of the time we didn’t even think about in those years. And later on everyone went their own ways. I don’t think our families knew more about the stolen nights when we sneaked out and came back early in the morning than we knew among us”, he says. “I honestly don’t know who Kibum was seeing ... ever.” And then he adds: “He was Key, Jinki, our Kibum, our funny, fantastic, handsome and almighty Key. That’s all I need to know.” He looks away again and I don’t ask any further because I don’t want to see him crying.

---

I work at a newsstand or rather I own one. I bought it from my uncle when he retired. I like to get up early, take the subway and then walk to the shop while everybody else is still asleep. It’s weird becaus I ... we used to hate the early mornings, always trying to get another few minutes to stay in bed and despising whoever was waking us.

There’s an old graffiti on the long wall around the playground I pass every morning. It says “EXO faggots”. I don’t know why nobody bothers to erase it. EXO today is only what used to be EXO K. The M members had to disband after some lawsuit-scandals and it didn’t work to integrate the remaining three into K. When I read about it I felt bad for Lay, I liked him, he was funny.

But the graffiti takes me back to the conversation with Jong. And when I get home that evening I pour myself a drink and call Minho.

He’s not alone, there is a party going on in the background. But for some reason he never turns me down when I call. He moves to somewhere else and takes his time to hear me out.

So I ask him the same thing.

“I guess he was”, Minho says after a short pause. “But honestly, Hyung, why does it matter?”

I’m too surprised about his reply to get my thoughts under control so I ask.

“You believe he was gay? Did it bother you?”

He gives me one of those little snorts that are half laughter half annoyance.

“You know me well, Jinki. There were times when I hated his guts. And in the early years it was hard for me to get along with him at all. The prospect of him being gay kind of frightened me, and I think he knew that. That’s why he hardly ever attempted to touch me until long after Ring Ding Dong times, long after I learned how to handle embarrassment and enjoy myself on stage. But even much later we never talked about it. But you know what? He changed my image of gay men although I didn’t even know if he was one.”

“But why do you think he was?” I urge him on, “we were all vain, using make-up and cross-dressing if necessary.”

“Come on, Hyung, you know that he was serving pretty much any gay cliché with all his mannerisms. He was a fashion freak, he used make-up even in his free time, he hated to work out, he screamed like a girl and even had this slightly nasal voice.”

“But he was so keen on starring in “we got married””, I object, “don’t you remember how he envied Taemin when he was picked?”

“Jinki, Kibum just loved the concept of a pompous wedding. He wanted the picture-taking, the clothes, the flowers, the cake and the beautiful bride. He wasn’t in love or anything”, Minho says.

And of course he’s right and of course I know it, too. Although being in love was never part of WGM concept but Key had loved the show so much more than Taemin.

“Then he really was gay”, I say, more to myself than to Minho.

“No”, Minho objects, “no, I’m not saying he was. It’s just what I thought. But honestly, Hyung, in spite of all the aspects I mentioned that made him look gay, he never completely matched the cliché.”

“Tell me”, I say.

He takes his time then he asks:

“Do you remember Jo Kwon?”

“2am’s Jo Kwon?”

“Yeah.”

“What about him?”

“There was an unspoken competition going on between him and Key on the matter of girl-group dances.”

Yeah, I remember that.

Minho continues: “Most of the girls hated Jo Kwon for making their dances appear stupid and childish ... and gay.”

He’s right. Jo Kwon always exaggerated shamelessly, sticking out his , wearing silly clothes and making the choreographies look embarrassing.

“But Kibums performance was different”, Minho says, “he was dancing handsomely and cool. Taemin could do it as well, but Key was better at it. Taeyon once told me how much she liked to watch Key dancing to “Gee”. She said “it takes a real man to dance a girl-group dance that ily.” And she was really fond of him for telling her and the girls, that he would never be able to do those steps in heels.”

I think about it and see Kibum in that black shirt with the pink fringes. Shindong was there too wearing a stupid wig. Like so many others he joined into the boys-do-girl-group-dances mania but like Jo Kwon and pretty much all the others he was just making fun of it ... and watching beautiful Key's magic that made girl-group-dances look y on a man.

Were you gay, Kibum?