ref: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6orno99I5sA

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It’s a good day when I visit Taemin again. He is sitting in the wheelchair on the terrace, a trace of his trademark smile on his face, eyes closed, obviously enjoying the mild sunshine. His shiny hair is almost as long as during Sherlock promotion, yet this time jet-black and without extensions.

I pull out a garden chair from one of the coffee tables and sit down facing him. I’ve long since stopped asking him how he feels. But I like to hold his hands so I take them and he doesn’t object. Instead he opens his eyes and gives me an even better smile.

“I hurt my toe today”, he says and it takes me a moment before I can process the information.

“You mean ... you felt something?” I ask.

“Yeah, kind of. I wasn’t sure at first but the nurse poked me with a needle and there it was.”

I’m too scared to jinx anything so I just smile back although my heart is doing somersaults. He FELT something. Does that mean the nerves are healing? Does that mean he will walk again ... he will ... dance?

I know I’m being ridiculously optimistic, but still.

When he takes off the sweater he wears over his t-shirt pulling it over his head he shortly reveals his skinny stomach and I see the scar. When they removed the bullet in emergency surgery they didn’t bother to keep the cut as small as possible. It’s an ugly scar and an ugly memory.

Later at home I scan the internet for information about spinal injuries, returning tactile sense and the probability of complete recovery. Google doesn’t give me what I’m looking for so I try daum.net and immediately curse myself seeing the entrances for “spinal injury”. There it is ... still ...  one of the three pictures we all tried so hard to ban from the internet and that always pop up again.

It shows Minho kneeling on the concrete floor of a car park covered in blood, Taemin’s blood, holding him like the Pieta the corps of Christ. But the worst thing is the incredible amount of people standing around them. You don’t see their faces, it’s just feet and legs but I remember the flashlights and the excited screams.

I feel rage building up again when I press the “report”-button on the page but I know it’s futile. We will never erase those pictures like we will never erase the memories.

---

Yet the photograph led me to something else and the rage fades away when I click the youtube-link.

Remember “Yunhanam”? God, have we ever been that young?

It’s one of the “behind the scenes” clips that is probably more famous than the show itself. It shows Taemin wrapping aluminium foil around a makeshift “microphone” that Key had made during dinner for interviewing the stupid model-noona with who we were having our date. Taemin was making it bigger and after first reacting pissed because our Baby was messing with his stuff, Key sat down next to him and fed him candy.

The first variety shows were a nightmare for Minho and me. It was hard enough to look happy and relaxed on stage but in front of the endless rolling cameras that caught every face we pulled, every dumb comment, our clumsiness and embarrassment, it was hell. We still were struggling to get along with each other and were already thrown into the maelstrom of broadcasting promotion.

They tortured us on radio-shows making us confess to our families and then there were those embarrassing “Yunhanam” dates. At that time it were Jonghyun and Key who pulled us through. Both of them quite enjoyed the publicity and Key was never shy in front of a camera. The two of them taught Taemin to relax and while Minho and I were still trying to keep a low profile we had the cuteness-comedy-trio that worked hard to make SHINee fun and excitement. And we got really popular among MCs. I remember how Kibum once explained to me how it worked. He said:

“You’re clumsy, you make mistakes and you say weird stuff. Instead of being embarrassed by it make it your trademark. It’s fun, believe me. Once you get over the first hurdle of humiliation it becomes natural. You’re talented and cute. People like you a lot and they will not only accept your weaknesses, they will welcome them.”

And  of course he was right. Onew sangtae became a dictum and a running gag. Although I still felt embarrassed every once in a while, it was much easier to deal with and I began to accept and even like it.

After once showing his talent in copying girl-group dances Key made that HIS trademark. That and his Umma-image that was less deliberate and just emerged from his caring personality. He wasn’t too fond of it but he had to admit that it was working for him. I believe that this was where the first JongKey-shippers got the idea from. If there was an Umma there had to be an Appa as well. I remember the glee with which Jonghyun pointed out the first JongKey comments to us on our fan-sites and immediately started to play on that. He was always into skinship big time and touching Kibum became his favourite pastime.

Despite his indifferent behavior I know he misses him most.