I'm sorry, this took longer than expected. There's still an Epilogue to come and a couple of explanations. Thank you for all your comments and support. Hope you'll read till the end.

and this is not really a reference but I like it anyway: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnzV0FhmF2E

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In spite of the assault there weren’t any charges pressed against me but I was admitted to psychiatric care. Of course I remember that but somehow things got messed up in my mind and it’s only now that I really started to disentangle them.

I used to stare at people’s feet for a long time unconsciously looking for Kibum’s missing shoe. And I still don’t like to take off my own shoes in an unfamiliar environment.

Almost a year I stayed at the sanatorium. Minho visited me a couple of times so did Taemin as soon as he could sit in the wheelchair. Jonghyun called me whenever he was allowed to. They all took care of me although I didn’t respond well. That’s why we drifted apart even wider. And when I was finally released and I took over my uncle’s news-stand Minho had already moved on while Jong and Taemin were still struggling with their individual circumstances.

Maybe we could have worked it out anyway, saved SHINee not only for our own sake but for Kibum and for the fans.

---

I visit Leeteuk. He’s still on sick-leave but at home, playing with his children as I come in. He is amiable as always and invites me for lunch patiently waiting for me to tell him what bothers me.

“I guess it comes down to me being responsible for the end of SHINee”, I say and he raises his eyebrows.

“Is that really what you think?” he asks.

“I was the leader, I should have ...”

“Jinki, SHINee was a five-member-group, ...”

I don’t let him finish because I’ve already thought about this for days and I say:

“Yeah, so was DBSK. They lost THREE members. EXO lost six and I don’t have to tell you about Super Junior.”

He smiles.

“You don’t get it, Jinki. Eventually SHINee would have disbanded, like all idol-groups. Maybe due to military service. But what differentiated you from the other bands was that you were always so ing comfortable. You know what Shindong once said to me? He said he couldn’t believe that all of you were still talking to each other. Camera or no camera you were always communicating, had things to say and you always supported each other’s individual activities.”

While I think about that Leeteuk goes on.

“I’m still close with Shindong and I see Heechul and Kyuhyun sometimes. But apart from that I hardly have any contact with Super Junior members. And I know it’s pretty much the same for most groups. SHINee was different in that respect, the most balanced combination. There was hardly any competition going on among your members except maybe between Minho and Kibum. But even they could work it out. During the preparations of “September” everybody expected you and especially Jonghyun to deny Taemin the main vocal part, but instead you encouraged him. And Eunhyuk couldn’t get over the way Taemin worked with Kibum on that impossible solo and how proud he was of his hyung. He kept dragging fellow dancers down to the gym to show off with Key’s progress. There could be no SHINee without Key, Jinki. SHINee ended with his death, as it would have ended with the death of each one of you. You know that.”

He’s probably right but on the other hand: “Isn’t that a bad thing?”

Leeteuk laughs.

“SHINee was an idol group in the original sense, almost old-fashioned. You started as a homogeneous bunch of talented and pretty flower-boys and emerged into a conglomerate of highly professional and versatile entertainers. You were hard to tell apart in the beginning but in the end each one of you had a sharply distinguished profile and your individual fandoms were equally big. What could be bad about that?”

After lunch I help Leeteuk’s wife cleaning up because he’s got his foot in a cast. I don’t know her very well. When she takes the bowls from me to put them in the sink she says shyly: “You should sing again.” Then she covers and blushes slightly.

And when I leave Leeteuk brings me to the door. His three year old son watches from the kitchen-door.

“Say Good-Bye, Jinki”, Leeteuk tells him and when he sees my face he laughs and says “yeah, the wife’s a big fan of Onew.”

---

I drive down to Daegu. It’s time to visit Kibum, I haven’t been at his grave for so long. It’s humble but there are lots of flowers. I guess he still has fans who care for him. When there’s no one around I sit down on the skirting of the grave and although it’s weird at first I say:

“Yeah, well ... Kibum, here I am.”

I feel pathetic and tears well up in my eyes again, but the longer I talk the easier it gets.

“I’m so sorry, Kibum, I didn’t look after them like you told me, I couldn’t even help myself. I couldn’t protect Taemin and I didn’t prevent Jong from shooting the girl. I wasn’t there for them afterwards either.”

Pathetic and self-accusing ... can it get any worse?

“I miss our early days and I miss our last days. I miss our freaking cold bedroom where we slept all together and I miss watching everybody in their own colours. I wanna see Taemin fooling around and eating snow, I wanna see Minho win at dream team competitions. I wanna meet Jonghyun at nights and drink with him and I wanna see you. I miss you so much, Kibum.”

Now I’m actually crying ... again.

“I miss your sparkling, freaky and annoying personality. I miss your nagging, your outrageous fashion-disasters, your eyeliner. I miss your voice and your laughter. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. And I know the others feel the same.”

And always, always, always in ing life you say these things too late. We never really said how much we meant to each other.

We had spent our idol-nursery-time together, raised Taemin and each other and just like real siblings for a time we developed similarly before everyone of us went their own ways. We had shared beds and clothes and shower-gel. Sometimes even underwear or toothbrushes if one of us was running low on either. I knew what each of them smelled like and although we mostly used it as fan-service we were all comfortable with holding, touching, cradling, hugging and sometimes kissing each other. Those four boys were the siblings I never had.

We’d spent the better part of our youth together, had seen each other sick, tired, drunk, heartbroken, messed up. You don’t get much closer than that. And I never never never told them, REALLY told them, how much they meant to me.

“I can’t do anything for you, Kibum”, I finally say. “I hope you still knew how much you meant to me and each one of us.”

But I will tell them.