„I know you“, the young woman who just walked into the shop says and for a moment I believe that she might be a fellow student from my college years who recognizes me. But then I realize.

“You were in that famous idol-group, right? You were one of the singers.”

Actually I was the leader, but that doesn’t matter anymore. So all I do is nod.

“What was your name again?” she goes on. “I don’t really remember.”

“I was Onew”, I say.

“Nono”, she replies, “what was the group’s name again?”

So even that is fading away, I wonder and then reply “SHINee.”

“Ah, yeah, exactly”, she says excitedly, “that’s some coincidence to meet you. I used to sing along with that one song, what was it?”

“September”, I suggest, naming our final and maybe greatest hit.

“YEEAH”, she laughs and starts singing the first verse of the refrain, weirdly expecting me to sing along.

Suddenly I feel very tired and my face probably shows it.

“Oh”, she says, “I’m sorry, I got carried away there”, and blushes. She grabs a magazine and pays for it, then leaves in a hurry.

I always liked “September” too ... always. It was the first song in which Taemin took over lead vocals. I remember how he beamed when the songwriters suggested it and our manager went along.

Taemin was main dancer and Maknae, our “Baby”. He had just turned 15 when we debuted and his voice had still been affected by his vocal change. Therefore he had sung only minor parts on our first two albums. He really stood out in live performances though, because he danced like a god and was heartbreakingly pretty.

But “September” wasn’t only a tribute to Taemins maturing voice, it also had an awesome choreography and was probably the most all-around song we ever recorded and the video-clip had been produced with exceptional care and a budget most other groups could only dream of.

Everybody was pleased with “September” and I believe each and every one of us was pleased with himself too. I haven’t listened to that song for years. I only once heard it played in a supermarket and had to leave because I started to cry like a baby.

---

The only one of our members that I see regularly is Jonghyun. Every two weeks I drive up to Songnam to visit him. He’s still in prison.  He has changed like all of us but there is  a lot of the old Dino in him as well and I’m sure that he will have some kind of a comeback when he is released next summer. He might be starting a Rock Band. I turned him down when he suggested to do it together. I don’t think I’ll ever sing on a stage again.

Minho calls sometimes but he has been really busy since he moved on from cheesy drama to serious movies. He still does a lot of fashion promo and some big deal advertising. We aren’t really close anymore but that’s partly my fault. It’s probably not fair to him but I always feel like he abandoned Taemin. I know it’s his way to deal with the past, but still.

Taemin ... I have to admit that I’m not visiting as often as I used to myself anymore and I feel like a traitor. I promised to take care of him and I meant it. I still want to. But sometimes I just can’t bear to see him in the wheelchair staring out of the window of his small room at the hospital. He looks so frail but breathtakingly beautiful with a tragic aura that hurts more than anything else. Sometimes I even think that it would have been better if he had died ... too.

And Key, oh Kibumie ... I haven’t visited you for the longest time. I’m so sorry but seeing your precious name on the headstone always breaks my heart. “Kim Kibum – Key” ... 23.09.1991 –  21.09.2015. You weren’t even 24 in numbers.

---

There are so many stories about that fateful night that sometimes I’m not quite sure anymore what really happened. The psychiatrist I was entitled to visit only a couple of weeks after the incident had asked me to write it all down. I keep the scratchpad in my nightstand drawer and whenever I feel my memory is trying to fool me or make me forget, I take it out and read it once again.