if there was something naeun had learned from that show she did ages ago, it was that nothing was real--everything was a set up made to fool the viewers who would rather sit in front of a box on a saturday evening to dream about virtual reality of some baseless couple a broadcastig team had conjured. it was a sad pathetic show, she used to think, fake and unreal. bomi unnie used to say she would never fit the concept becaude if anything, nauen wasn't the type to be insincere. but she proved them otherwise by going there, and then ended up eating everything she had believed in.

because when it's lee taemin you're talking to, it was hard to force yourself into lying because lee taemin looked so pure and sincere and his smiles were like sunshine. naeun fell for him the second he drove her down and asked ridiculous questions and the awkward silences that followed. he took care of her well and he was kind and maybe sincere.

but maybe that was all a ruse naeun didn't know. when they would have a break to change tapes, he would revert to his quiet self and sometimes they'd just sit in silence until the light turned red that signalled the camera was on. nauen never knew what to during those situations despite wanting to engaged in a conversation with him so she kept mum and waited for the day to end.

sometimes naeun would see the off cam taemin, when he allowed himself, during the briefest moments. he would peep a quick joke and it was seldom funny but she laughed at it and hit him anyway because… because maybe this was real.

it's not real, eunji would say. don't believe anything he says or anything the writers say. don't let yourself be fooled.

but she let herself become a fool. and she was happy for a while. until that incident happened and then everything became a little less happy, more distant, lonelier.

naeun wished she did'nt cry. naeun wished she could be like chorong unnie so she could bravely apologize or like hayoung who couldn't stand waiting on the side line. she wished for courage to say things she wanted to say to him, maybe some words of comfort, an apology or maybe even swear for him.

things ended quickly. and the damn be damned--she put herself out and she cried. she sobbed and he teared up and she didn't know if they were real but hers were and and and end. she wanted to cling to him, she wanted him to hold her but this was make believe and nothing was real. 

 

and yet after everything else, he tapped her on the shoulder as her stylist comforted her tears away and said: can we start again? no cameras or anyone ordering us around. ok?

she sobbed harder because this was real.