When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep.

***

It was nine in the morning when the doorbell rang at the Jung’s townhouse. It was Suzy in her Vivienne Westwood coat wrapped tightly around her with sunglasses to shield her eyes from the sun. She looked as if she was in mourning as she wore black from head to toe. The black stood out against her pale skin, and rosy cheeks. “Miss Suzy,” Soojung’s butler greeted her with a warm smile “I didn’t know you were back.”

Suzy smiled, “It’s good to see you, Yoochun. Is Soojung here?”

Yoochun nodded his head, “Shall I take yo-”

“It’s ok, I still remember,” Suzy nodded her head slightly and walked to the bottom of the stairs. She couldn’t forget even if she wanted to. After all, this house was her refuge at one point. It was the place she’d go to get away from her mother because Jongin’s house was far too close. It was the house where she’d spent summer break lazing by the pool side and sleeping in. Suzy and Soojung weren’t best friends, they were sisters. Soojung was the one Suzy spoke to about everything and nothing. They would talk about pretty dresses and cute boys, about developing body parts and developing feeling. They shared secrets, intimate ones and dark ones and these made their relationship stronger. It was undeniable that up until this point however, it was always Suzy that needed Soojung more.

She found herself in front of the double mahogany doors where her hand hovered slightly over the doorknob. She took a deep breath and knocked gently. “Sehun,” Suzy gasped when he greeted her with a bruised smile and broken hand. She managed to piece two and two together. Sehun was battered, maybe just as bad as Jongin, but this was neither the time nor place for her to rip into his fresh wounds. She gathered her thoughts and crossed her arms. “This better be important, Sehun. I’m risking an arm and a leg for being here. You know she doesn’t like me.”

“Well she’s not listening to me either, and well I can’t call…” Sehun’s voice trailed off. He stared at Suzy and hoped that she’d understand his predicament.

“You can’t call Jongin because you two decided to be idiots last night.”

“You’re telling me you want to see him?”

“He came by last night in the rain,” Suzy uttered beneath her breath.

“Well it’s a good thing I didn’t drop by your place last night,” Sehun deadpanned.

“My house is not a hospital for when you all get sick and injured. With my mother there it’s already turned it into a part time mental institution,” Suzy retorted. “Anyway, you haven’t told me what’s wrong with her.”

Sehun opened his lips like he was about to explain to her when the water in the bathroom stopped running. Soojung emerged from the mist with a robe wrapped around her body and her hair wrapped in a towel. “What is she doing here?” Soojung asked.

“I asked her to come here,” Sehun replied gingerly. He rose up from his seat slowly with his hands clasped together He looked like a child who was in trouble from their mother for doing something wrong. However it was quite clear to Suzy who was in the wrong. “You weren’t coming out of the bathroom; you had been showering for an hour.” He reached for her arm but Soojung sidestepped away from him.

“I like to clean myself thoroughly. I feel like I might need to wash out my eyes now after seeing this.” Soojung glared at Suzy with intent to put the girl off. Suzy stood her ground. She reached for Soojung’s towel and with a swift motion undid her bun. Soojung tried to grab the towel but no to avail. Suzy tossed it aside so that she couldn’t reclaim it.

“Did you manage to clean all the bile out of your hair?” Suzy said bitterly. Soojung grabbed the ends of her dry hair and caught onto the dipped and tainted strands. Suzy figured the other day that Soojung had relapsed into her bulimia. Her fragile frame was enough for Suzy to know that it wasn’t merely the effects of working out too much. She just didn’t know how severe it had gotten. “Have you looked at yourself? You don’t really look like the epitome of fitness like you claim to be.”

Soojung was a perfectionist but the price she was paying for it meant that she was teetering on the line between life and death. Suzy remembered when she caught Soojung in the act for the first time at a party hosted by Sehun. Soojung had been missing for a while now and Suzy had left to look for her. In Sehun’s en suite where no one else was to enter Suzy found his door left ajar. She could hear the retching sounds from inside.

Suzy could remember approaching the private bathroom slowly and carefully, afraid of what she’d find. Soojung was a shell of herself, pain and guilt was written all over her face as Suzy stared at her and the contents of her stomach now sitting in the bowl of the toilet. Her hair was a mess and her pink lipstick was smudged and with an understanding nod Suzy locked the door behind her and helped Soojung clean herself up.

“Suzy,” Sehun grabbed her by the wrist to calm her down. Soojung’s eyes were drawn to how his fingers wrapped protectively over her hands.

“That’s right Sehun, take her away. Get her out of my face. I’m done—with the both of you.”

Sehun sighed in defeat but not Suzy, not yet. She pulled her hand away and turned to Sehun. She asked him to leave them alone. They had some talking to do. As Suzy ushered Sehun out of the door she gave him a smirk that made him feel uneasy “Go home, Sehun”. She slammed the door shut in his face and twisted the lock on the door. “No one’s going to interrupt us, not until we get this sorted,” Suzy said as she stripped off her coat and rolled up her sleeves. Suzy turned around and the look in her eyes changed so much that Soojung felt a little threatened.

Suzy grabbed Soojung by the hand like she intended to cuff her and shoved her into the bathroom. She locked the door behind her. “What are you doing, Bae Suzy?” Soojung asked with a quiver in her voice. “Stop it! Stop it right now!” Soojung snapped. Suzy found a plug and filled up the bathtub with warm water. Once in a while she’d place her arm in it to check if the water wasn’t scalding hot. “What are you going to do? Drown me? I’ll scream. Sehun’s just outside he’ll come running in.”

“No he’s not,” Suzy said. The hollowness in her voice resonated clearly and echoed in the room, “Because you’ve scared away the only people who would actually care about you. You can only push your friends too far and even though you have their forgiveness you may no longer have their friendship. Would Sehun really stay around for a mess like you, or a mess like me? Would anyone?”

Suzy didn’t bother looking up at her but Soojung could hear her chuckling to herself. When she was satisfied with the water Suzy reached for the pile of soap bubbles and bath salts on the table and placed it carefully into the water. She watched as the waters effervesced and the bathroom began to smell of lavender. “Take off your robe,” Suzy demanded.

“What?” Soojung asked.

“I said, take off your robe.”

“I already s-showered.” Soojung stammered.

“No you didn’t because Sehun still smells like alcohol so that’s all he smells, but you smell like vomit.” Suzy grabbed Soojung by the wrist. “Or did you want me to toss you in?”

“I can take a shower by myself, I don’t need you here,” Soojung protested.

“Well then show me you can. Take care of yourself properly!” Suzy snapped.

Soojung smirked, “Since when did you care for anyone but yourself?”

“Since twelve hours ago, now are you going to get in?” Suzy’s replies were short and concise; she only had so much patience for one person.

“Alright, stop yelling at me. Just turn around so I can get in.”

Suzy rolled her eyes and listened as Soojung submerged her body into the bubbles. She let out a sigh of relief beneath her breath as the warm water washed over her skin and sunk deep into her bones. Suzy’s fingers ran across the variety of shampoos that Soojung kept on her table. She reached for the one that felt the lightest because it was Soojung’s favourite. So much that she had almost finished the bottle and had to yet to buy a new one. “Lean your head back,” she instructed. Soojung did as she was told without arguments and as Suzy took it upon herself to lather her hair and massage her scalp.

“Why are you doing this?” Soojung asked with eyes closed.

“I’m looking after you because that’s what sisters do for each other.” There’s a pang in Suzy’s voice when she says this because she knows she hasn’t been worthy of that title.

Soojung’s fingers ran across the bubbles and she collected piles of foam in her hand. “So sisters also travel to another country for a year doesn’t leave a note and doesn’t even bother to call to tell me she’s ok? The one time I needed you ever you weren’t there for me.”

“I’m here now, isn’t that all that matters?”

***

Jongin hadn’t left his room all morning.

Enshrouded by a muted glow that leaked through the curtains of his balcony and windows, Jongin hollowed out his cheeks with puffs of cigarettes into his lungs to ease his soul and set alight his body. The morning breeze crept in and swept away the white haze that wrapped around his head and allowed him to wallow in his misery. The only people who Jongin had trusted he wanted nothing more to do with them like they wanted nothing to do with him. Jongin contemplated what this meant to him. How did all the years he spent invested in all those relationships lead to complete failure? Hasn’t be been built for success for most of his life?

There was a knock at the door that shattered his peace. He ignored it. It was probably Chorong. Jongin reached for his zippo on the table and pulled another cigarette out of its pack. He lit the cigarette and hollowed out his cheeks till he needed to breath, exchanging fresh air for smoke in his lungs. The knock at the door was persistent but soft. Chorong would’ve barged in by now.

Jongin leaned forward on his table, ran his finger around the rim of his glass and put out the flame of his cigarette in his bourbon whiskey. He downed his drink of burnt nicotine laced with spirit and ice and pushed out from his couch.

“Jongin!” The doe-eyed girl greeted him with glee and wrapped herself around him. “You’ve grown up so much little brother.”

“Ara noona, what are you doing back in Korea?” Jongin asked. He was astounded by the fact that he could hold his sister in the flesh. After all it had been a good three years since he had seen her.

Ara noticed the way he smiled like how his lips only moved and not much else. Ara noticed how her little brother’s eyes were red and sunken and how he limped across the room. “I heard my little brother had a bit of a problem, so I caught the first flight here.”

Jongin rolled his eyes and smirked, “Really.”

Ara shrugged, “Mum called me a few months ago and asked me to come back home for the year, she said it was urgent matters but didn’t say much otherwise.”

Ara was the middle child and the final of the Kim siblings. She sat between Jongin and Chorong and suffered from her position within the family. Being the first-born Chorong was more defiant and harder to control and being the youngest and only male Jongin was the future of their family. Their mother spent nights doing damage control for their oldest daughter and their father spent days moulding Jongin to be the next generation of democrats. Ara was often ignored and the curse of the middle child was never truer in the Kim household.

This meant that Ara had more freedom comparative to her other siblings. At the age of thirteen Ara had moved over to the states with their aunty to attend a prestigious boarding school. It was a choice she made herself and a decision that took little convincing. It was better that way for them to better manage their children in Yeonhee and Jonghyun’s eyes.

His older sister had an accent when she spoke which was a result from years of being out of the country and not using the language. However Ara was always the brightest one of the three, something their parents had merely brushed off. She was fluent in English, Chinese and Japanese. She was a straight A student, she did everything Jongin did but she was always better at it and she loved it. It stemmed from the fact that her parents never expected anything of her so much that Ara chose to defy their ideas and beliefs and taught herself, with their money. In Jongin’s eyes Ara was the true winner of the pack, which doesn’t say much about them and their parents.

Jongin furrowed his brows, it was the first he had heard of this. “She probably has something up her sleeve.”

“I’m well prepared, don’t worry.”

“Does anyone know you’re back yet?” Jongin poured her a glass of bourbon whiskey that she refused. He took it upon himself to see the drink to not be wasted. He sat down beside her on the bed, the two staring at the orange streak that ran across the floor.

“I messaged Rong unnie this morning when I landed, that’s about it.” Ara shrugged, “So are you going to tell me or do I have to call Chorong and ask about that?” Ara smiled and pointed to the stitches on his forehead.

“The both of you are always ganging up on me.”

“What’s a little brother for if not to pick on? Plus, I’m still the nicer one.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one that doesn’t live at home. I’d sacrifice Chorong and send her off to America if it meant you stayed.”

“She only acts like that because she lives at home. I could easily be just as bad or even worse.”

“Yeah, but you’re not because you left and moved away.”

There are slivers of frustration in Jongin’s voice that Ara misinterprets as anger towards her. “Sometimes the best way to allow yourself to heal is to leave everything behind,” she explained. When she was greeted with silence Ara wrapped her arm over his shoulder and brought him in for a quick side embrace. “But that’s a conversation for another time,” she said with a smile.

Jongin looked up at her with guilt in his eyes, “I’m glad you’re home, I really missed you.” Jongin leaned in and nestled his head on her shoulder. In that moment Jongin felt more like her little brother again. It was easy to forget when she looked at Jongin that he was meant to be the youngest of the lot. He was taller than her and bigger than her and he always carried himself so well for a person so young. Ara was concerned that maybe her little brother was forced to grow up way too soon. The cracks were beginning to show.

***

“She’s fine, you should rest up,” Suzy’s voice rang over the phone. Suzy made her way into the corridor outside of Soojung’s room so she could talk to Sehun in private. She leaned against the mahogany door and ran her hand through her messy hair. “We're talking about it. Everything.” 

“Everything?” Sehun asked.

“Just the things she needs to know,” Suzy confirmed. 

Sehun let out a breath, one he hadn’t realised he had been holding for so long. “That’s good,” he mumbled into the phone. At once he could feel the fatigue settling into his bones. His arms and legs were beginning to give way as he collapsed backwards onto his mattress.

“I have a question,” Suzy asked.

“What is it?”

“Your fight last night, was it because of me?”

Sehun paused, “Yes and no.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, thank you,” Sehun said, he was smiling into the phone and Suzy could hear it. “I really needed an outlet to let out my feelings and because of you I could. Also for what you did for Soojung this morning…” Sehun’s voice trailed off.

“Don’t go soft on me, Oh Sehun,” Suzy said teasingly. She was feeling grateful for the friend she would’ve never thought she had.

Sehun groaned inwardly. “Yeah, yeah, don’t start expecting this to be a common occurrence,” he scoffed, “I’m hanging up.”

“Yeah, good bye.” Suzy said and with a click and hung up her phone.

***

Chorong organised dinner that night.

If there was ever an opportunity where Chorong wouldn’t have to be home for dinner she’d take it. Thankfully this night their parents were both too busy to make it home so they could eat out. Ara isn’t surprised when it comes to her parents, she would’ve been more surprised had they taken out time to see her. Chorong tries to reassure her, just to make herself feel better. “Dad’s paying for it, so order whatever you want and if you don’t finish it we can get take away.” She turned to the waitress, “Your most expensive liquor please.”

“Just a glass of water for me,” Ara whispered to the waitress in hopes that none of them would hear. She didn’t want to ruin her sister’s good intentions. The corner of Chorong’s lips lifted. They had all developed a dependency for alcohol by the time when they were fifteen. It was something their parents had shown them. A drink whenever you have a headache, a drink whenever you were stressed, a drink for whenever you were hurt or just a drink to forget all your worries. Ara had missed out on that rite when she was away in America.

She was different than them. She didn’t have nicotine stained fingers or an alcohol dependency at the age of seventeen. Ara was normal. Ara smiled and shrugged off her leather jacket and wrapped it around the back of her chair. “There’s only three of us, why is there a fourth set?” she asked curiously at the empty set opposite her.

“Oh, I thought I’d make this a family gathering, I invited Soohyun oppa as well since he’s back too.”

“Oh.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Jongin and Chorong asked in unison.

“I was just hoping it would be the three of us tonight,” Ara stammered. She had never mastered the art of lying especially when she wasn’t required to. That wasn’t to say that Ara had never snuck out past curfew or kissed a boy or two and lied to her friends about it.

“Does it terrify you to share a table with someone not as rich as us?” Chorong teased.

“Ouch—Chorong.” Soohyun’s voice caught Chorong off guard, “I thought my ears were burning, should’ve figured it was you talking bad about me.” She turned to greet him with a stiff smile. Soohyun had arrived five minutes behind them and apologised immediately for the delay, it was hard to find parking.

“Didn’t you have enough money for valet parking?” Chorong sneered and folded her menu.

Soohyun rolled his eyes and grabbed his seat opposite Ara, which caused the other girl to tense. Ara’s knuckles turned white whilst her fingers dug into the menu, which she used it to hide her face. “Welcome home, Ara!” Soohyun lowered the menu with his hand to find her.

“Thank you, Soohyun.” Ara greeted him formally with little affection in her tone.

Soohyun takes it as her being a part from them so long that she didn’t have a sense of familiarity with him. She didn’t have the bond with him that Chorong or Jongin had. “When did you come back? I wanted to come visit you in the states but—”

“You wouldn’t of have had been able to visit me, my school doesn’t allow visits unless it’s from family,” Ara said suddenly.

Soohyun was shocked by her reply “Was it a boarding school or a prison?” he teased.

Ara continued to flip through her menu quietly whilst Jongin and Chorong exchanged glances with Soohyun. “You must be tired, Ara.” Chorong patted her sister on the back to ease the tension. “The flight from America to Korea isn’t easy.”

Ara pressed her lips into a thin line and rolled her eyes. Chorong retracted her hand. She wondered where her sister had gone—after all before Soohyun came Ara was her usual demeanour.

“Are you ok?” Chorong whispered.

“Yeah, peachy,” Ara said as she bit hard on the bottom of her lip.

***

Soojung curled up in a ball on her bed; her head resting comfortably on Suzy’s lap as the two watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Everything seemed much simpler back then. When they were younger they would dream about moving out of their giant mansions for a simple loft in America where they would live by themselves. It was easier to dream of another life.

“So was America everything like we dreamed it would be?”

“Yeah and more. We should go visit it during the break.”

“Sure, we’ll use my dad’s private jet, it’s not like he cares what I get up to anymore.”

Suzy glanced up at the clock on the wall, “Should we go eat? It’s dinner time?”

Soojung sighed.

“Come on, what do you feel like? Take out? Dine out? Greasy Pizza? Foie gras? Caramelised pears?” Suzy listed an array of delicious food but none made Soojung's taste buds tingle.

“Instant ramen,” Soojung said suddenly.

“Perfect!” Suzy chirped “My specialty.”

The two girls climbed out of bed and raced down the stairs of Soojung’s house like they did when they were younger. Into the kitchen they flew which astounded the staff. “We’re preparing dinner, were you hungry?”

“It’s alright Yoochun, Suzy’s going to cook me ramen today.” Soojung sounded like a child all over again with the same amount of enthusiasm. Yoochun smiled and reached for two cups of ramen off the shelves. “I didn’t know we had these anymore,” Soojung said in astonishment.

“I saw Miss Suzy this morning and thought I’d get some just in case.” Yoochun tapped his nose and winked at Soojung. She embraced the older man with two arms.

“You’re the best.”

“Do you have eggs, Yoochun?” Suzy shouted, her hands were busily tearing away at the flavour sachets and measuring the hot water in the pot.

“Yes, Miss Suzy.”

There was a lot of laughter in the household that night and as Yoochun watched over them fondly like a loving uncle, he hadn’t realised how the last time he’d seen Soojung this cheerful was the week before her birthday last year before it all went wrong.

Soojung and Suzy were slowly easing back into the way things were a year ago. Suzy was slowly opening up again and Soojung’s wounds were beginning to heal but they still had a lot more obstacles to climb over.

***

In another part of Seoul, dinner wasn’t going as smoothly as they were hoping it would go. The tension between Ara and Soohyun could be cut with a knife. They had covered everything from politics to religion in the time span of an hour. Each time they were on the verge of a physical alteration, well more so Ara who continually slammed her fist on the table. “Alright, we know you’re the brightest in the family, but guys, it’s dinner, we’re meant to be catching up and nor arguing.” Chorong took a sip from her wine glass and rubbed her temples.

“It’s fine, I was finished with my dinner anyway,” Ara scrunched up her napkin and left a bit of desert left on the table.

“Great, I’ll grab the cheque,” Chorong let out a sigh.

“I’ll be outside in the car.”

“I’ll get her,” Jongin offered but Soohyun held him back.

“Just give me a minute with her.” Soohyun chased after her quickly. He leapt through the front entrance of the restaurant and found Ara looking for their chauffeur frantically. “Ara!” he shouted.

When he did Ara picked up her feet and started walking back in the direction of their house. It was a long walk but to Ara if it meant that she needn’t talk to him she would’ve rather walked till her feet bled. “Leave me alone, Soohyun.”

“Did I say something to offend you? I thought it was a friendly debate we were having in there?”

Ara moved forward and blocked out his voice. Soohyun ran forward and grabbed her by the wrist. She flung him backwards immediately. “Do not touch me!” Ara shrieked, “I don’t want to be associated with people like you.”

“What? What are you talking about? Ara it’s me, Soohyun.”

“I know what you did to Suzy—”

“Jesus Christ, did Chorong say something to you? I just kissed her, actually she kissed me.”

“She tried to kiss you? After you tried to her? I have a hard time believing that.”

“I didn’t—wait, what are you talking about?”

“When Suzy went to the states last year she went to Trinity School.”

“But that’s where you—”

“Exactly. I wanted to know why the girl I lived next door to—who was always so cheerful and lively was a shell of herself. She assured me for a while that she was merely looking for a change of pace. I knew however that at the mention of going home she shied away. It took a few months but when I got it out of her I couldn’t believe it. My own family would do that to someone so close to us. What would Chorong do if she found out? What would Jongin do? That’s his best friend you ruined.”

“I was there that night, yes—” Soohyun tried to explain.

“So you admit that you and your friend—the poor excuse of a human being—Kim Myungsoo cornered her and her?”

“I didn’t her.”

“Well you let him do it to her.”

“I didn’t know he was going to do that to her. I didn’t even know it happened until it happened and by then she was already gone!” There was a tinge of guilt in Soohyun’s voice. He had known what he had done but maybe he wasn’t as innocent as he thought he was.

“So you didn’t report it to the police?”

“He’s my friend, Ara, I couldn’t.”

“You know who the worse kind of people are, Soohyun? The ones that see bad things happen and do nothing about it. It never mattered to me if you were a bit poorer than us, you were always the smart one, and you were the bigger brother we never had. Now you disgust me. I want nothing to do with you. Stay away from my family.”

Ara climbed into the car when she saw Jongin and Chorong from afar but she did leave Soohyun with one last warning. “I mean it when I say stay away from my family, I will expose scum like you if you touch anyone I care about.” With a swift flick of her finger Ara rolled up the windows so that she could no longer see his face.

Soohyun’s face was etched with guilt and anguish. “You ok, hyung?” Jongin rushed over and patted him on the back. “You know how my sisters can be.” Jongin reassured him.

Chorong climbed into the car quickly to avoid the evening breeze that had crept on them so suddenly. She had left the door open so that Jongin could climb in after. “Coming, loser?” Chorong called out affectionately to her younger brother.

“Actually, I might get Soohyun hyung to drive me ho—”

“Get in the car, Kim Jongin,” Ara hissed “Now!”

“You better listen to your sisters, plus I parked my car pretty far out so it’ll be a trek.” Jongin frowned, disappointed that he wasn’t able spend more time with him.

“I’ll catch you later then, hyung!” Jongin said and climbed into the car.

Soohyun waved them off before proceeding to walk to the closest bar—he needed a drink.

***

“What was with you tonight?” Jongin asked, his fingers wrapped around the car door handle.

“Trust me, Jongin, everything I do is for your benefit. It’s good if you don’t talk to him ever again.” Ara said stoically, her eyes trained on the night-lights of Seoul.

“I know I dislike the guy but telling Jongin to stay away is a bit too much. As poor as he is he is family.” Chorong deadpanned.

Jongin rolled his eyes at Chorong who only laughed off her remark. She tended to take jokes too far. “He is family, noona.”

The reminder made Ara sick to her stomach.

***

It's so quiet here and I feel so cold 
This house no longer feels like home.

Thanks for reading, if you enjoyed it please leave a comment.
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xo