She's in the class A Team, stuck in her daydream,
Been this way since eighteen,
But lately, her face seems slowly sinking, wasting,
Crumbling like pastries, and they scream
The worst things in life come free to us.

***

There’s a saying that goes ‘curiosity killed the cat’ and Sehun wished that maybe if she wasn’t so stuck in his ways, tonight he would be counting stars in his sleep. Oh Sehun had a conscience and it only took a ‘dead’ girl to bring it out of him.

It was morning in the Oh household and Sehun was the first to wake. He was dressed in a white singlet and black boxers with socks scrunched up around his ankles. He had been up since six and on his third cup of black coffee. He had read the newspaper two times over and it was barely eight.

Miyoung skipped into the kitchen, the older lady always walked with a spring in her step. “Are you ok?” his mother quickly pressed a kiss on his forehead which caught him off guard. “You’re up awfully early for the weekend. In fact, I’m pretty sure I heard you come home at 10:30PM last night, now that’s definitely concerning.” Sehun looked down and smiled at his cup with his fingers curled around it to keep him warm.

“You have to sleep to wake up.”

“Anything I can help with?” Miyoung asked. She took a sip of her coffee and a bite of the fresh strawberries dipped in cream. “Girl problems?” she asked with a playful lilt in her voice after Sehun’s unusual silence. Miyoung knew as much as any mother would about her son, but the tabloids made it a bit hard to ignore his misdemeanours.

“Mum,” Sehun began and the seriousness in his voice caught her off guard. She wasn’t used to seeing her boy so vulnerable. Not since he was a baby when she brought him home in her arms at the age of two from the orphanage. 

“What is it?” Miyoung asked worriedly.

The furrow in his mother’s brow and the way her expression changed made his heart tremble. “You love me right?”

Miyoung grinned so wide that her smile reached her eyes. Sometimes when Miyoung smiled, Sehun would wish more than ever that she was his biological mother. So that he too could have her smile that would brighten people’s days. “Even when you get married, the woman that will always love you most will be me.” Sehun let out a chuckle as his mother squeezed her son’s cheeks together lovingly. Seeing her smile made Sehun feel lighter, but fatigue settled in soon after. “Are you going to the brunch today?”

“Brunch?” Sehun asked. The week had flown by so quick for him that he had forgotten about Suzy’s homecoming brunch. ‘Suzy…Suzy…’ he thought and that thought quickly caused him to feel unease.

“Unless you’re too tired… except I don’t think you have much of a choice.”

“Mum, it’s only a brunch, like we haven’t had brunches before, I’m pretty sure I have another one the day after tomorrow.”

“No, Soojung called yesterday and she said she was coming over.”

“What? Why is she coming over?” Sehun asked.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” his mother averted her gaze from him to the girl dressed in a bright yellow dress standing behind him.

“Why can’t I come over?” Soojung asked. “Good  morning, Miyoung.”

“Good morning, Soojung,” Miyoung waved her hand slightly.

“Because you should be over your boyfriend’s house making mends with him and not bothering me.” Sehun closed his paper and took his coffee in the other hand to the sink.

Soojung rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. She chose to ignore his comment about her so called ‘boyfriend’. “You’re going to be my date to the brunch today,” Soojung declared. "Date as in a friend-date," she quickly clarified.

Sehun chuckled at the hilarity of the situation. “I know that you want to get back at your boyfriend, but using his best friend is kind of low.” Sehun brushed past her and made his way up to his room “Plus, who said I was going to the brunch?”

“I did, when I said you were going to be my date. We can’t let Jong—I mean him—have all the fun.” Soojung frowned.

Sehun laughed when he noticed how her lips continued to protrude and how her eyes were so wide they were about to pop out of their sockets. Sehun would never admit that Soojung could be cute if she wanted to be. “Alright, princess, stop making that face, it creeps me out.”

Soojung sneered “What’s wrong with you anyway? You haven’t been yourself for a few days now. I must admit that I’m a bit concerned.”

Moments of sincerity and honesty between Soojung and Sehun were rare—so rare that they were usually greeted with silence. Soojung noticed how Sehun’s shoulders tensed through his singlet and only then belatedly realised that he was stripping down in front of her. “Yah, Oh Sehun!” she shrieked.

“Don’t act like you haven’t seen a man before, princess.” Sehun teased and tossed his singlet at her. Soojung caught it before it smacked her in the face and held it in her hands. She had hoped that Sehun wouldn’t turn around to see her how rosy her cheeks were. “So are you going to leave or am I going to have to call the cops to remove the ert in my room?” Sehun turned around wearing a wicked smirk.

Soojung tossed his singlet back and quickened out the door. She closed it shut behind her and sighed as she fell back against the door.

***

Suzy had spent the morning locked up in her room to avoid the ruckus downstairs. She had contemplated taking a few pills to ease the tension in between sips of tea and puffs of cigarettes. She opened the lid and closed it again like a nervous tick. “Suzy, I’ve brought your dress up for you.”

It was Eunsang’s unmistakable voice at the door. Stomping out her smoke Suzy reached for the packet of gum on her table and popped two into . She stayed still where she was and Eunsang let herself in. “Your mother wants you to come down as soon as possible,” Eunsang shouted from her room to Suzy outside on balcony. The young girl didn’t turn around her fingers traced her bones trying to keep herself warm. “Did you hear me, Suzy?”

“Yes, Eunsang.” Suzy replied without moving.

The maid looked worriedly from afar and sighed before she closed the door behind her. Suzy looked to her hands where the pills where sitting safely in her palm. She counted the pills, two should be enough to ease her over—just two she told herself. She poured the excess pills back into the bottle. Then she stared at it again, she was looking for strength. When she couldn’t find anything, she threw the tablets into the back of and swallowed it hard. Carrying the remaining pills back into her room, she stashed the bottle carefully in her bedside table beneath a pile of photos and books.

She made her way to the table and stared at her reflection. Prominent cheekbones, sunken cheeks and dark rings greeted her like it did every other morning. She reached for the foundation across the table and slowly painted it over her skin, covering any stories about her past.

She turned and saw her dress, red, like blood against her satin sheets. She felt faint and she could smell the blood all over again. “You don’t want to die,” she heard her voice replay in her head.  

***

Streams of people began flowing into the house by 11:20AM. Everybody wore solid colours and vibrant patterns. They all looked so happy, so excited to be here and happy to see the return of Korea’s sweetheart, or just excited that they were important enough to be invited to a social event hosted by the Baes. “You look even more beautiful than the last time I saw you,” said one party go-er whom Suzy barely recognised as her mother’s friend.

“So much like your mother,” another said.

Suzy felt her smile fade quickly.

Jongin arrived at 11:30 on the dot. He was holding a small red box in his hand and he had a glowing smile on his lips. This place was like his second house, a place he had spent so many days and nights in. He knew the place like it was the back of his hands. The white ceilings and jade-green walls with gold lining; he knew all the cracks in the secret places and the stories behind them.

“Hello,” he whispered into her ear from behind. Suzy leapt out of the way, something she had been doing quite frequently to avoid him. On her heels she turned quickly to see her guest standing behind her looking bewildered. “It’s just me,” he laughed playfully and shot his hands in the air like he was surrendering.

“Don’t do that,” she yelped and placed a hand over her chest to calm her nerves.

“Do what?” he asked, pretending to be oblivious. For a few more seconds Suzy forgot that she was meant to be placing a cold front up in front of him. “I brought you this,” Jongin handed her the box.

“You didn’t need to.” Suzy refused the gift so much that Jongin had to force it into her hand.

“Open it later when you have time,” he said. “I shouldn’t hold up the line anymore, other people want to see you.”

Suzy wanted to ask him to stay beside her, to help her with her façade but she knew that she had to let him go. She handed the gift to Eunsang to place on the table and continued to greet the guest. From afar she noticed Sehun and Soojung strolling side by side up the incline. She braced herself for the war of words. “There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare—Sun Tsu’s the Art of War,” Suzy said as Soojung and Sehun reached the front door. “Why are you here?”

“We were invited,” Soojung simply replied. “You’re not going to turn us away when we’re already at your door are you?”

In fact she wanted to, “Soojung! Sehun!” Jihyun rushed outside and braced the two quickly. “Come in, the food is being served, Suzy you too, we can’t have the main event missing, right?” her mother huddled the group of former friends together and pushed them through the door. Soojung wondered if Jihyun had known about the situation but from the stories she had heard, Jihyun seemed quite oblivious to her own situation—especially pertaining to her husband’s external affairs.

As Jihyun whisked Soojung away to the food, Sehun managed to slip out of her grip and stayed behind quietly. “Nothing to say?” Suzy sneered without so much as giving him a glance, “No threats to ruin my life?”

Sehun open his lips as if he meant to confess or rather apologise but he closed it and with a roll of his eyes he walked away from her. There Suzy stood, alone. Not even the person who seemingly detested her the most would want to stand beside her.

Was she that detestable?

***

Jongin ran his fingers along the corridors of the house, as he walked he saw images of his younger self with Suzy, running down the hallways. They were hiding under blankets, pretending to be ghosts. Then they were wearing crowns and running around with plastic swords. He sees their library that was much bigger when they were smaller. He sees little Jongin and little Suzy having pillow fights in the library in their blanket forte, flipping through and staring at pictures in books so freely. He sees things he wished he could have again.

Instead he sees Suzy, mindlessly staring at the portrait on the wall. She looked lovely in her red dress with her black hair cascading down her back, something Jongin was only leaning to adjust to. He let himself in and left the door ajar behind him, “Not having fun at your own party?”

Suzy wished that he would stop looking for her. It was a habit he adopted since a young age like he had a tracker on her all the time. “Not really, no,” she said tiredly.

“Can I join you?” he asked, pointing to the empty spot beside her.

Suzy didn’t reply, she took a sip of bourbon and placed the glass back down on the coaster. Suzy was tired, the drugs she had taken earlier were beginning to settle in and the bourbon was just so heavenly on her lips she felt as if she could curl up into a ball and sleep. Jongin sat himself down beside her regardless but unlike the last time he made sure he kept a comfortable distance; he didn’t want to scare her off again. The silence swallowed them. “Remember when…”

“Can we not have a walk down memory lane?” she said wearily, bringing her hand to her head to shield her eyes.

“Why not?” Jongin asked, ignoring how lifeless and tired she sounded.

“There’s a reason why the past is called the past,” Suzy spoke with indifference in her voice. She was about to fall asleep, weary from her fights which kept her up late at night, but mostly from the drugs in her system.

“But the past defines who you are; shouldn’t you at least acknowledge it?”

“I’ve accepted the past as something I cannot change which is why I’d rather not have a long chat about ‘could’ve beens’ and ‘should’ve beens’.”

Jongin sighed, “Well what do you want to talk about then Suzy?” he asked. Jongin could feel the frustration building up in his chest. “I’ve spent the last week trying to talk to you and every time we’re within the vicinity of each other you seem to wish you were anywhere but there. I told you that I loved you nearly two years ago and yeah, I kissed you; but was that really a good enough reason to leave the country and not talk to me ever again? If you didn’t love me you could’ve said so, but to leave me wondering if I was the reason you left, that’s--”

“I loved you, but I didn’t come back for you, like how you didn’t wait for me,” Suzy uttered. She found herself breathing heavily as if there was a weight on her chest “So if you could ple--”

“That’s ludicrous. You wanted me to wait for you when I didn’t know where you had moved to and when or if you were coming back?” Jongin ran his hands through his hair, fisted his shirt—he did anything so that he wouldn’t explode in front of her. Jongin wasn’t the type of person who got angrily easily, but it would seem of late Bae Suzy was burning this fuse and he was close to the edge.

“I didn’t want you to wait for me, just like how I don’t need you to pretend to be my friend. You’ve got your riches, your parents, your friends and a girlfriend, stop wasting time on a lost cause like me. I don’t want to owe you anything anymore.” Suzy looked up at him wearily, with droopy eyes and a half smirk.

“You’ve owed me nothing, never, not once. Just tell me what happened so I can fix this. We’re not children anymore, I can do something.” Jongin grabbed onto her pleadingly. He felt her hand trembling, “What did you take?” Jongin asked, carefully observing her facial expressions. She seemed so absent minded, so fatigued that it was hard to ignore. Plus, the smell of bourbon was laced in her breath. Slowly she climbed to her feet, one hand pushing off against the couch to stop herself from falling backwards. She wanted her bed and she wanted to be alone where there was silence.

 “You can’t fix me, just leave me alone.” Suzy swung her arm to pull away from him that the glass that had sat beside her flung onto the ground and shattered, broken pieces cutting the exposed skin on her feet.

They had been so warped up in their argument that they hadn’t realised there was a person at the door watching over them. The silhouette dashed just as the glass shattered, hoping that they wouldn’t of have had been caught but it was hard to ignore the sound of heels clicking against the marbled floors.

Suzy looked at Jongin and he looked at her right back, “Fine, I’ll leave you alone.”

***

Downstairs where the party was beginning to dwindle as the hours ticked away. Suzy had made one appearance at the start to greet her guests but she was nowhere to be seen afterwards. Soojung was seated by the bar, she had been there for the past hour. “Are you ok, Princess? You should really go easy on the booze.” It was Sehun with his jacket casually swung over his shoulder and a weary look on his face.

“He told her he loved her,” Soojung said as he took another gulp. “He told her he loved her and she left him but he still won’t let go.”

Sehun looked on with a concerned expression. Slowly he extended his hand, trying to give her a pat on the back but his hand hovered slightly over her skin before he retracted. “Drink?” he handed her his own beverage which she gladly took.

“Why did she have to come back, Sehun? Why couldn’t she have had just stayed over there?”

“You don’t mean that.”

“No, I don’t, because everyone worships at the table of Bae Suzy,” Soojung sneered.

“That’s not true either,” Sehun reassured her.

“Stop telling me that I’m wrong,” Soojung pleaded. Sehun notices that this probably isn’t the first martini she’s had. “I need you to agree with me, just for once. I need you to tell me that I’m not being selfish or that I’m not being jealous.  I don’t need a lecture, I need a friend. So for once in our relationship can you be just that?”

Sehun looked at her with pain etched all over his face. “You’re right.”

***

Weekends past as quickly as they come and it’s Monday all over again. Soojung hasn’t spoken to Jongin since Saturday, not a whisper, not a text. Jongin hadn’t noticed. He had spent the weekends partying away, throwing himself into a sea of alcohol and gorgeous ladies to drown out the ones in his life. Sehun had spent the previous week investigating Bae Suzy’s mysterious return to Seoul and he wished he didn’t.

Well as for Suzy—she passed out in her room as soon as Jongin left her in the library. She didn’t awake till late that night of the party to a very angry Jihyun. “I throw you a party and this is how you repay me? Getting drunk and leaving the people wondering where you are?”

Suzy smirked, looked right into her mother’s eyes. “You’ve always wanted a daughter just like you. You’ve got your wish now.”

Jihyun reacted before she could contemplate what had been said, she swung her arm in the air and brought it down quickly, her palm colliding swiftly with her daughter’s cheek. The sound of her slap echoed in the giant room. Suzy held onto her cheek and tears, “Get out of my room,” she snarled. Jihyun huffed and stormed out but not before Suzy managed to utter final insults.

“I wished you were the one that left.”

Since Saturday night the Bae mansion was quieter than usual. Jihyun had locked herself in her room, Suzy too and neither mother nor daughter left their room for a meal. Eunsang was made to carry their meals to their room, begging them both to eat.

Suzy had to admit that she was almost glad to be at school. At least the grounds were big enough so that she wouldn’t run into anyone she didn’t want to see.

“Your party was great,” said Hyeri.

Suzy snapped back from her day dream and forced a smile, “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for the invite! I had never been to a brunch that extravagant before.” Hyeri chirped.

“It wasn’t that extravagant.”

“Are you kidding me? There were so many hors d’oeuvres! I had never seen so much food in one place at one time in my life. Especially for a meal time that rich people probably made up just to dress up and drink early in the day—I mean…” Hyeri stammered.

Suzy chuckled, “It’s alright, I know exactly what you mean,” she reassured the other girl. “Listen, do you know of where the most secluded place is in this school? Or somewhere where people rarely ever go.”

Hyeri looked deep in thought, “The back steps, but mostly because it’s restricted. Why?”

“I’ll catch you later ok,” Suzy left her tray in the theatre where they had been eating their lunch. Suzy avoided the dining hall after the first week and Hyeri was only happy to oblige. She learnt that Hyeri was an aspiring artist so she’d often spend her days having lunch in the theatre, on the stage. Plus, it was the place she felt safest within Redwood. On the first day she had been at Redwood Hyeri was ostracised immediately for simply not being as rich as the other kids. How they knew this she still has no ideas, but she assumed it had something to do with the giant screens in their pockets they called their phones. Plus, every now and then Hyeri would often complain about how arrogant, stubborn and cliquey they were (“Not you though, Suzy, you’re different, a good different!”) It was definitely the reason why she had no friends and the reason why Suzy would grow to like her more.

***

Suzy was always more of a social smoker and a social drinker, but when you have no friends there’s really no reason to be doing either. Not until it became an addiction. Suzy knew she had no one to blame but herself for the lack of friends. She had a few but a few good ones and she threw them all away because she simply didn’t want them to know what a terrible person she was. Her secrets bested her and she couldn’t face them.

She took another drag and held it in; she wanted her body to soak up everything there was in these expensive cigars. The smoke escaped her lips and dispersed into the air, surrounding her in a haze of memories. Suzy closed her eyes as the laughter got louder she tried even harder to drown it out. “Suzy,” a familiar voice called out to her; one that ran through her mind, taunting her as she tried to sleep.

Sehun walked up from behind her and rested himself against the wall. “What do you want?” Suzy asked and stamped out her cigar.

“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I was coming here for a smoke—I didn’t know you did as well.” Sehun appeared much calmer in his approach than usual and much more familiar to Suzy. The boy abandoned once, no—twice now.

“I’m a social smoker,” Suzy deadpanned.

“I think you need to be in a social situation for it to be considered social smoking,” Sehun retorted, taking a seat on the step below hers.

“I could quit but what else would I spend my pocket money on?”

“Got a lighter?” Sehun asked, staring at the metal piece in Suzy’s hand. She shut the cap tight and handed it to him, perhaps like a peace offering. Sehun’s fingers ran over her initials that were engraved on the lighter. “This—is social smoking,” he said as he lit the cigar a flame.

“You don’t care do you?” Suzy asked.

“About?” Sehun asked with the cigar in between his lips.

“Anything, anyone.”Suzy replied.

He smirked and tossed his head back to let the smoke escape from his lips. “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time,” Sehun sang, words true to his tortured soul.

“Johnny Cash…” Suzy snorted.

They chuckled, just a bit. Laughing at the absurdity of the situation they were both in. Merely a week ago Bae Suzy was the woman Sehun had detested, only second to the woman who birthed him, and here they sat, two souls looking for comfort. After the dust settled in and the smoke cleared Sehun knew that he had to speak, he had to tell her that he knew. He swallowed the lump in his throat, “We need to talk.”

Suzy sneered, walls all back up in place “I told you, unless you have something to tell me, I don’t want to hear it.”

“I do,” Sehun replied.

Suzy stood up and brushed away the dirt on her skirt, her lighter fell, hitting the ground. She felt her knees buckling and walking away seemed harder. “Well,” she challenged. Suddenly she felt light headed and she could feel her heart racing. She gripped tightly onto her skirt, nails digging into her palm so that the pain would distract her.

“I can help you, Suzy, I want to help you,” Sehun said. Sehun stood up to match her as he picked up her lighter in his hands. He was barely as tall as her with her heels but as Suzy looked down at him, she could see something in his eyes, like clouds or shadows lurking about. He knew and she was convinced.

She let out a heavy sigh, “You don’t know, because if you did you’d know that you can’t change what happened and that no one can help me.”

‘Deny it, Suzy, deny it till the end, he doesn’t know.’

Sehun pressed the lighter back in her hand. “Suzy, you can’t run away from it, you shouldn’t.”

“I’ve done so for a year, I can…” she stammered.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Sehun reached out for her shoulders.

“It was—it was all-my-fault.” Suzy said, she was slowly beginning to hyperventilate now, her front was beginning to crumble and tears found themselves rolling down her cheeks in streams. The fear and reality of Sehun knowing frightened her more than she would imagine when she had taunted him originally. She hadn’t hoped that he would and yet now as he stood in front of her, challenged her, Suzy wanted to run. She needed more time.

“Suzy, you were ! I want to help you catch the bastards who did this to you. I want to help you.” Sehun grabbed firmly onto her shoulders and brought her in for a deep hug despite her protests. She was having a panic attack and he needed to keep her on her two feet, careful to not let her fall again.

Across the field, all the way in the restricted hall where Jongin hid between periods and during lunch, he had the perfect view of the entire school. He had been sitting on the balcony, sipping coffee and eating pastries as he watched her silhouette from afar. He was contemplating about approaching her when another silhouette appeared. He watched as they spoke, unable to hear what they were saying but their faces said it all, at least, Sehun’s did. Just as Jongin was about to make his way over having already made it halfway across the field, he stopped.

Sehun was embracing Suzy.

***

Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me. I am small and needy.
Warm me up and breathe me.

Thanks for reading, if you enjoyed it please leave a comment.
xo