--

This is all my fault. 
Everything that's going wrong now, it's all because of me.
Me.

Stupid boy that never knows how to keep his mouth shut, look what you did.

"He's dehydrated, malnourished. We haven't managed to weigh him but he's almost definitely severely underweight. Considering his living conditions, it doesn't make sense. Has he been engaging in eating disordered habits of late, eating less, refusing food, possibly throwing up?"

Not that I know of, but that's because I don't listen enough, I don't watch him enough. Idiotically unobservant. I didn't notice, didn't know, I should have.

"Anything that could have caused a reaction similar? Comments about his weight, anything? I know as an idol the public often leaves comments, any fans, anything?"

Comments about his weight.

"Hyung, does the shirt make me look big?"

"May not be the shirt, Kibum. Maybe it's you."

"I think it's the shirt." 

"Trust me, Key, I'm pretty sure it isn't." 

"You can look at those adorable puffy cheeks of yours."

What in the world had I been thinking?
What had I been freaking thinking?
I don't think. That's the problem.

I hadn't been serious, had never been serious. Kibum had always been slender, even skinny. He'd never had any excess fat to speak of, I thought he knew that. He had confidence, so much confidence in himself that it made him dazzling to look at sometime. I'd made a chip in that confidence, widened it into a crack, and now that iron block of self worth was shattered and gone.

Kibum had always been fragile.
I knew he had his insecurities. I never knew weight was one of them.
Now I do.

This is all your fault. 
Stupid boy.

--

"Are you sure you won't come? Why won't you come?"

Because this is all my fault. How do I face him when it's my fault? 

"I...I just can't right now, Taemin-ah. You go, okay? Three of you. I can't."

"He wants to see you, too! It's not your fault. He's just sick."
But it is. It's all my fault. I made him this way, I'm a monster, the evil one. I hurt my best friend and I never meant to, never wanted to, but I did it. 

"Taemin-ah, go along with Onew hyung, alright? I'll stay with hyung. Go, quickly, he's waiting."

What? "No, Minho, no, go. Don't stay with me." I don't want to hurt someone else.

The door closes and we are left alone.

"Right, now you can tell me what's going on. This isn't just because you were the one with him when he fainted, was it? It's something else."

I cry. I can't help it. 
Guilt eats at my heart like acid corrodes objects. Biting, harsh, painful. It hurts, it feels terrible.
He's lying on the hospital bed, now, one of the few places he hates. He thinks he's huge, thinks he's terrible, thinks he's fat and ugly and disgusting but he's not. And why does he think this way? It's because of you. All because of you. He might not wake up, and even if he does, he might not get better. He trusted you, and you hurt him. 

"You'll have to apologise, hyung. I don't think he'll blame you because Key's not like that. But you have to say you're sorry, tell him you never meant what you said. You and I both know that you let your tongue run away with you a lot. You have to see him, hyung. You can't leave it like that."

Whatever he might say, the fact still remains that this is my fault. I did this. 
He's my best friend,I never meant to. But I did it anyway.
I'm sorry, Kibum. God, I'm so freaking sorry.

--

A/n: next chapter is up yayyy. Now you know the reason for Jonghyun's absence.