--

I never really understood what was fear and panic.
I don't think people really understand it until they experience it.

Gripping, terrifying. 
I think now I know why people talk about hearts pounding and then jumping out of mouths.
Imagine if mine had jumped out of my mouth onto the floor with everything else, oh god.

I'd never seen anything like that before. 
I'd seen vomit, yes, people throwing up. You can't really live twenty years without seeing something similar, or throwing up yourself.
But this was different. 

Blood.
Red liquid.

It's essential for survival, isn't it? So is food.
Yet Kibum had been throwing up food, and blood, body rejecting the substances as if they were poison. 
Breathing and crying in a way that had seemed almost inhuman.
 
I...can't understand.
--

White light. Blinding white light.

Pain.

I don't want to open my eyes, I want to sleep. Yet someone is holding my hand, twisting it around and around.

"Kibum? Kibum, do you hear me, if you do, squeeze my fingers, move."

I want to pretend that I don't, but I know there's no use. I shift my fingertips a little, lift my lids.  

The whole place is white and blue.
Hospital. 
I hate hospitals.

I knew, before the world turned black, that I would probably end up here, if I survived. Jonghyun had talked about an ambulance, hadn't he? Doctors. Paramedics.
Well done, they've found out now. 

You've been found out.
They don't know for sure, but they definitely will have ideas. Suspicions, thoughts.
What do you think your family will say? Your friends, your fans? The media?
Your members?

They're probably blaming themselves. You've done enough research about eating disorders to realise the implications. 
Yet you did it anyway.
You went ahead with it because you thought you were huge.
You know you were, you still are. But you went too far, you haven't succeeded, you've caused more trouble.

What are you going to do now? Deny it? You can't. They'll know. They won't say anything, but they'll know. They'll keep a close eye on you from now on, even if they don't make you confess now they'll do it someday.
How are you going to hide it, pretend everything is fine?

...I don't know.
I really don't know.

Stupid boy. 
What do you think they're going to think of you? All the illusions, the image that you've built up... What's going to happen to it now? Gone, all gone. Destroyed because you didn't succeed, because you didn't manage to swallow a single spoonful.

I swallowed it.
And you threw it back up almost immediately, didn't you? You don't even need to stick your fingers done anymore, your body does it without help. I don't call that swallowing, I call that merely attempting, and failing, to shove food down your throat. 

You don't know how to live life normally anymore, do you? You don't know what is normal.
What are you going to do with yourself?

--

A/n: next chapter... I'll be putting this up on LJ too, for the anon who asked me on tumblr, I'll be putting up the answered prompts there, too.