--

Spinning.

Fading, exhausting. 

I lift the spoon to my mouth, but I can't make myself open it.
I can't open my mouth, can't put food inside. Can't let it go down my throat. 

"Key? Are you going to eat?"

The spoon clatters out of my hand, onto the table. 

Empty calories tip out of the spoon onto the placemat.

"I'm not hungry. You gave me too much food, hyung."

It's not that he gave you a lot of food, but it's too much for you, because you're too big.

"Too much? It's only half a bowl, Kibum." 

"I'm really not hungry."

"Just eat a little, you'll be hungry later. A few spoonfuls, that's all."

But the spoon is big, too big, huge. One spoonful contains more calories that I could ever burn off, more food than I even need.

"It's a teaspoon, Kibum. You can't be telling me it's too big, it's a freaking teaspoon!"

He's angry now, everyone is angry. Everyone is getting angry at me.

I lift the spoon,  put it between my lips. Gingerly, carefully, I swallow.
Too much, too much. You're getting fat. 
Huge. Gigantic. Can you not see your weight appearing as you eat? Are you not fat already? Jonghyun is judging you. He's wondering how you can eat so much.

Out. I need to get it out. 
--
My surroundings dip and dive as I feel myself retching, doubling over, gasping for oxygen that I cannot reach as the spoonful of rice makes its way back out of my throat.  
Gone. Gone, it's clear. I'm empty now, but I've already gained weight, haven't I? Fat, unnecessary weight. 

Stomach acid flows out, burning my throat, spilling out onto the floor along with countless other identifiable liquids.
You have so much fat in you.

"Key? Key!" 

Jonghyun rushes over as I feel myself slipping, falling out of the chair, curling into a ball on the floor, all the time vomiting, throwing up, dirtying the floor with my disgusting insides. 
Don't touch me, hyung, don't touch me.

I try to stop as he puts his arms around me, rubbing my back, but I can't, I can't, because there's too much unneeded weight inside me, too much dirt and fat and too much Kibum, I don't want to be myself, I want to get it all out, get him all out so that I can be someone perfect, someone disciplined and beautiful.

Someone thin.

Someone who isn't huge and bloated with weight that moves as he does, someone of an acceptable weight by social construct, because 45 kilograms is too much, too much for an idol who is perceived to be as close to perfection as a human can get.

I want to be someone that isn't fat.

Out everything comes, saliva, gastric juices that burn my throat. All sorts of body fluids coming out from my disgusting, disgusting body.
Including blood.

"Oh my god Kibum you're bleeding, you're bleeding!" 

And the red liquid comes gushing out, from my nose and my lips, staining the floor, the tiles.
I hate it, I really do, because that blood is what's keeping me alive, keeping me huge and gigantic and existent. Out, it needs to get out.

"Oh god, okay, okay. I'm going to call an ambulance, okay? I'm going to get help, no, Key, no, don't throw up, don't." 
He rushes off.

He's leaving you alone. He doesn't want you, no one wants you.

Because you're too huge.

"He's throwing up, blood, there's blood coming out and he's really pale and he can't stop and just help me!"

"You can't sleep, no, no, Kibum you can't sleep. Stay awake, okay? Hyung is here, doctors are coming. Stay awake, Kibummie, stay awake."

Darker, it's getting darker. Quieter, the voices are getting quieter. 
They're going, I'm going. 
I can't help it.
I'm going to die.

--

A/n: So I'm back, if that's a good thing? 

Thank you for being patient! 

Also, long long authors note here because I have an announcement:

i do love writing this story, but I'd also like to write other stuff, stuff that y'all might wish to read. 

http://hoofenpoofer.tumblr.com/ask

I'd love to take some prompts and requests from my readers so if you have any, do send them to my tumblr! 

I'll write anything, with the exception of / related stuff as well as girl!Shinee, because...well, I'm not yet legal, far from it , and girl Shinee simply because it makes me rather uncomfortable.

If you do send requests, would you please introduce yourself too? I'd really like to know who my readers are, but if you don't wish to that's fine too.