--

"Aren't you going to eat anything?"

Heck, no.
No way.

The weighing scale had shown no change in numbers this morning, staying steady at 48.5 kg.
I suspect it was because I didn't manage to throw my food up completely last night. 

You don't deserve to eat today.

I don't want to.

Good. Control, remember. Discipline. It's necessary if you want to look acceptable.

"No thanks, Minho. I'm not very hungry."

"Are you sure?" A frown. Actually, a few frowns.

Don't frown at me. I know I'm ugly. I'll be beautiful soon. Don't frown at me, smile. Show me that what I'm doing is working, is worth it. 

Soon? Are you sure? You didn't lose any weight yesterday.
Maybe not so soon. But I'll get there.

"Yes, I'm sure."
I'm sure because I want to be acceptable.
I want to be thinner.

"It's not possible that you aren't hungry right now. You haven't eaten for an entire day. You didn't eat much last night, either. Seriously, eat."

Jonghyun's voice is sharp, cutting. It hurts because I want to eat, really, I do. I want to, but I can't.
He doesn't understand.

"I'm really not hungry, hyung."

"Why are you never hungry anymore? You've lost weight. You're a stick already, eat."

I've lost weight, but not enough. Far from enough. I'm not a stick. I'm a tree trunk. An ugly, fat, rotting trunk. 
It's not that I'm never hungry, because I am. I just can't eat. I can't explain.

You don't need to explain, really. Even if you try, they won't understand. Just go away, leave. Lie. Tell them what they want to hear. No one cares unless they are affected. The less you tell them, the better for all of you.
Leave, just leave.

I push a couple of spoonfuls into my mouth. Tasteless. Tasteless, but so filling. So satisfying.

Don't enjoy it too much. It's coming back up in a minute. You have to go, now.

"I'm tired, can I leave first?"

"Are you okay?"

No, I'm not, I'm not okay, I'm confused and scared and fat, I don't know what to do, because I want to lose weight but I'm not managing to fast enough. I'm huge, really huge and everyone dislikes me, and all of you are getting in the way because you're trying to get me to eat. I'm not okay, no.

"I don't feel well, I'm just tired."

I'm not tired, I'm exhausted. And hungry, but I can't eat anymore. I'm dizzy and nauseous, but I just ate. 
The few mouthfuls of rice are heavy in my stomach, so heavy, and I can feel the calories, the fat, seeping out into my bloodstream, creating fat, creating weight.

"Then you should rest...go lie down, I'll come and check on you later."

Try not to come too early, I'll be in the bathroom, getting rid of this tasteless weight.

--

The tears pour out of my orbs as the food pours out of my stomach, scraping my throat. 
It hurts , the rough, itchy feeling. I gulp down a few mouthfuls of water, panting slightly from the retching and dry heaving. 

I brush my teeth, rubbing the bristles over them, ignoring the blood from my gums.
Anything to get rid of the taste of food in my mouth.

Walking out of the room, I collapse on my bed. It's strange how tiring simply eating can make you. 

Of course, it's not just eating but what you do afterwards as well. I'd choose not to have you do it, but what can I do? You're so fat.

Keep quiet, stay silent. Can't you give me a few moments of peace?

Arguing with ourselves again, aren't we? I'm part of you, don't forget. If I'm annoying, you are too.  The in,y difference is that you are huge and I'm physically non existent.

I wish to be as non existent as you are.

You can try. 
You haven't succeeded yet, but you can.

--

A/n: thank you for all the subscribers and comments, really. I never expected anyone to take note of this but just...thank you so much. I know my number of subscribers/views/comments is probably a really tiny number to most people, but it's a lot to me. Something about the lovely comments make me feel that what I write is actually worth reading sometimes, not just trash to be ignored. I know I'm incompetent, can't be considered a writer, so I'm really very grateful that people take the time to read what I put up. Thank you so much.