--

There's something about hospitals that I don't like.
You never get the real feel of them until you are actually in one. You can read, watch shows, but they never show an accurate representation of what it's like. Oh, scientifically, physically, of course it's realistic, but emotionally, not so much.

In stories hospital corridors and waiting rooms are these cold, unfeeling places, but open the door and you're flooded by warmth and love and sadness. Every death and recovery is emotion fueled, every awakening of an unconscious person flooded with happiness and relief, the patient always has at least one person by their bedside, clutching their hand, crying, whispering sweet words, telling them that they are loved. 

I didn't get that.

I opened my eyes briefly but there was no one there except for doctors and nurses. Most of the time this is the case. Maybe others have people who care for them, but I don't. On television when someone passes their friends, their entire family and extended family, they are all there shedding tears. In reality most of the time it's just doctors ringing you up and telling you that they're going, and you get there too late.

In my case I think no one would care at all.

Because I don't think I'll survive this, don't think I can because I don't want to eat again, don't want to gain back what weight I've lost. I don't want to waste my efforts.

Waking up was painful. It seemed as if everything was stiff, somewhat unnatural. I'd been hiding away for so many months now and I knew that sooner or later I would be forced to admit everything, everything. I'm not sure if my body hurt more or my mind, just thinking about it made me ache.

There was only a doctor, a nurse, no members, no manager, no family or friends.

Are you sure you even have friends? Why would they want someone whose only talent is to throw up on command?

I thought I had friends. Or people I could trust, at least. 

Turns out that I don't.

My family wasn't present but that was expected, why would they waste a trip all the way to Seoul just to see their son? Somehow I wished they had been informed, had come, but they wouldn't have bothered. Had I been in their place, I wouldn't, too.

My members? I didn't even know if they were still my members. Being kicked out would've been highly likely, who wanted an idol who fainted in a failed attempt to lose weight? Not me.

They're better of without you. The whole world is better of without you.

I know.

It's because you are too fat.

I realised.

Losing weight is a painful process, you couldn't take the pain. Useless. Worthless.
Just die already.

I will. Soon.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to get up,  didn't want to wake up.
I wanted to remain asleep.

"Wake me up when someone loves me."

--

"Wake up, hyung. Wake up. Wake up."

"Hey...we're all waiting for you over here, alright? All of us. Open your eyes, Kibum, please."

Onew hyung,  Taemin.

Jonghyun isn't here, Minho isn't here.

They've gotten sick of you, well done. 
It's only a matter of time before the rest do, too. 

"Kibum...what have you done to yourself?" 

I've changed for the better. 

"Key hyung..." 
Don't talk to me, I'm disgusting. 
I turn away. I don't want to let them see me cry. Don't want to let them see the fats, the lipids pushing the salty liquid out of my system. 

"Key? Speak to me. You have to speak to me. I need to know what's wrong."

Me, what's wrong is me. Get rid of me.

Get rid of them, they don't want to know about you, they don't want to know you.
Two of them have disappeared already, they don't need you in their life. They're just being nosy, the want to laugh at you. Make them go. It's for the better, for them and you both. 

"Go away." 
My voice rasps, cracks painfully. It hurts, it burns.

"Get out, I don't want you. Leave me alone, I don't need you laughing."

Shocked faces, wide open eyes.

They're astonished, disgusted by your voice, but that's the consequence of purging.  There goes your singing career, but don't worry. You were never much of a singer anyway. You were a dancer but then you got fat.

"Laugh? I don't..."

Don't tell me you don't understand because you know you do. You know you've been laughing at me all this while, wondering how such a huge human being could exist. Don't, just don't. 
I scream, and it hurts, searing, burning pain, but it's worth it. It's worth it because nurses rush in and make them go.

They leave, I got what I wanted.
They aren't coming back.

--

A/n: double update because yay.