--

"Good morning, Kibum. Today I'm going to have you answer some questions, I want you to be as truthful as possible, okay?"

I knew this would happen. The peeping and prying, the questioning, everyone's trying to make me admit that there's something wrong with me. Why? Why do they care? Why does anyone bother? 
They're just trying to make me fat again. 

"Do you have any concerns about your weight, Kibum?" 
Someone who's as fat as me, what do you think? Of course.

"What do you do then, with these concerns?" 
I try to lose weight. I try, but I fail. You can tell. The whole world can tell because I've been trying for months and I'm still as big as ever.

"What methods do you take, then? To lose this weight?"
Restrictions,of course. The occasional vomit when I manage to consume food. 

Something about this doctor is scary, somewhat terrifying, he's making me tell everything about me, everything that I worked so hard to hide, I can hear that voice, that ever present voice screaming at me, no, no, don't tell. But I tell anyway. Everything. I tell the doctor everything.

Anorexia, purging subtype. 

Such a disgusting name, apt for such disgusting actions. But all for such a beautiful cause.
All I wanted to get out of this was to lose weight, to be skinny, but I failed. I received a label, received a name for a diagnosis that I don't even fully understand.  I lost weight, but it isn't enough. What will ever be enough? 

I'm not disciplined enough, this shows. Insufficient control over my life, not enough to make myself skinny. 
I don't know how to make myself skinny. I tried, it didn't work, and now I can't try anymore because I'm going to be watched all the time. Each action will always be under scrutiny. What am I going to do?

My members, they must hate me, detest me, they must be disgusted. Eating is a regular action that is picked up since birth, children do it, babies do it. Yet I can't. An adult, an idol, someone known throughout the country, and I can't eat properly. Something must be very wrong with me.  

What now?
Eat, and live, but get fat?
Or not, lose weight, but die?

I think...I think I'd rather die.
Somewhere along the journey of restricting and throwing up, I'd stopped caring about dying.
Why is it that this fact scares me more than the thought of death itself?

--

I'm afraid of entering the room. Kibum is sleeping, the nurses say. He screamed at the members a few days back. Onew hyung, Taemin, he respected and loved both of them so much. If he can scream even at them, what is he going to do to me? He hates me, I'm sure. 

Somehow I find myself opening the door, a little at a time, opening it just enough for me to slip myself in, I feel like a thief, an intruder, and in some way I am, I'd intruded onto Kibum's personal thoughts and feelings, spoken too much, stolen away his confidence. 

He's sleeping on the bed, spread out. He looks peaceful, comfortable for the first time in weeks. The doctors said they were going to place him on a feeding tube, I suppose the plastic tube inserted into his nose is it. It's scary, I'd only seen these on television, on the internet. On screen, they'd looked normal. Slightly out of place, but normal. It's only in person that I realise the tube actually covers up one's face so much that it isn't very recognizable, hanging at an awkward angle. I can't see much of Kibum. His beautiful face is so covered by the plastic abomination that I can barely recognize him. Funny how something that looks like an extremely long straw can change a person's appearance so much.

I sit by the bed, and the urge to hug him, hold his hand, caress his cheek, is so great that it's almost overwhelming, but I know I can't, I don't dare, because if Kibum wakes up and pulls himself away from me, I think my heart will shatter into a million pieces.

--

A/n: I didn't update yesterday so a double update sometime tomorrow can be expected.

ohoh and shameless self promotion but I'm starting a new story! Based off a prompt that I really loved, let's just say it'll be pretty different from what I usually do so please do check it out!

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/734199/illusion-jongkey-shinee-alternateuniverse