The small clock on the wall ticked, resonating throughout the tranquil apartment.  I sat on the couch with my knees pressed to my chest as I listened to Khun boil water in the kitchen behind me. Naturally, he was making himself at home and preparing tea for the two of us. The kettle whistled and softly muffled while he poured the simmering water into two mugs. He turned around and handed me a steaming cup.  “It’ll make you feel better”, he said.

With every small sip, warm sensations traveled down my throat to my chest; I felt my muscles relax and my mind unfold. Not knowing what to say or where to start, I continued to watch the steam arise from my mug and caress my cold hands around it.

Khun gently blew on his mug as he also took a sip of his tea. I stared keenly at his mug – the very mug he claimed as his own when I first moved in. He observed me sitting quietly, searching for the right words to say. He heavily sighed, waiting for my response.

Deep down, I felt sorry for him. I knew it wasn’t right to suddenly ignore him, but it was the best that I could do for myself. Everything about him reminded me of Jay, and all the memories we had together happened because of Jay. But no matter what we did or what we talked about, it would always somehow end up being about Jay, even without his presence.

“Khun…” His name curled on the tip of my tongue, making me pause. It had been so long since I last spoke that name aloud; I braced myself for what was to come.  

“Khun, I don’t know if I’m ready to be friends with you again… I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I will never forget those days, but you also bring back dreadful memories.” I let that linger for a moment before continuing. “Do you know how hard it was for me to see him just leave like that? What about what that meant to me?”

I flashed back to my darkest memories - memories that were deeply hidden in my shattered heart.

* * *

The taxi man was zooming towards the airport as I anxiously sat in the backseat. My mind was going crazy, begging him to please pick up. Balls of sweat welded up on my forehead while I maniacally redialed his number countless times. Nothing made sense in my mind, but all I could focus on was stopping Jay. My chest felt pressed with the thought of him just leaving me like this.

Pieces weren’t fitting together, making me increasingly confused. He was leaving Korea with merely a small note on my door saying "I'm sorry". I tried to think of possible reasons as to why he was fleeing the country. He was doing fine in the music industry as a successful solo artist, and we were two matches made in heaven. I had not a single clue with the reasoning behind his sudden action. His manager informed me that he was going to "take some time off in the states to prepare for his new album". I scoffed at his weak attempt to cover up what was really going on. The fact that he decided to just leave without telling me meant he was on to something dark and secretive. Chills ran up my spine in just the thought.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Still, there was no word from Jay. 

He never called me, answered my phone calls or e-mails. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had to admit that he was hiding from me, but the question was why. I constantly replayed the days and minutes leading up to his departure, puzzled to see any correlation with his rashness. There must have been something going on beyond my reach, something that was so secretive that he wouldn’t be able to tell me. Even Khun, his best friend, was unable to reach him as well, which made me suspect him even more; I knew that all his friends were hiding everything from me. My forsaken heart was slowly ripping apart, and it hurt every time I tried harder.

Were all those years spent with him just a waste?

If he even just asked me to wait for him, I would have, but I knew this wasn't the case. I was abandoned, completely heartbroken. 

Khun and I continued to hang out in hopes that he would one day return, and the rest of the year without him was brutal. He took a piece of us with him tand never gave it back, making it harder for us to let go.

I remember the day Jay returned from his personal vacation after a long hiatus from Korea. I scrambled for my phone and checked all of my e-mail accounts – there was not a single word from Jay. I immediately tried to reach him again, nervous that he wouldn’t reply; and to my disbelief, he never responded. I found out that he even changed his number and moved to a new place with higher security. He was avoiding me in every possible way, even ignoring me whenever I did catch a hold of him. No one was wiling to help me. Why was everyone being reluctant to help me?!

The hardest part was really letting go of everything. I was in denial when he was in America and made myself believe that he just needed time, not allowing myself to conclude that Jay and I were really over, always waiting for him, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, Jay was back in Korea, and he never sought for me nor did he ever accept my calls; this was the final stab into my chest that made me fall to my knees and stop fighting for what became a lost cause. I felt even emptier with his face plastered on flat screen TVs all across Korea without my ability to be in his presence, feeling strange and awkward without him in my life. I fell deep into depression with his absence.

I, too, made adjustments in my life, and, most importantly, I stopped talking to Khun. I didn’t want to hear from him or anyone else I knew through Jay; I promised myself that I was completely over the drama – that I would no longer involve myself in something that would only hurt me. I knew that Khun couldn’t bear losing another friend, but I couldn’t bear seeing someone who reminded me of him.  It didn’t make sense to me that not a single person, not even Khun, was able to get in some kind of contact with him. It took a lot of willpower to push the people I loved away, but I knew that any minute spent thinking about Jay was a detriment to my moving on. As the days went by and the nights became deeper, Khun's phone calls came to a minimum and his knocking on my door eventually stopped.

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Author's Note:

I actually changed a bit of the story because I realized that I didn't want Jay's scandal or his reference in 2PM to be in my story anymore. Hope you guys will still enjoy the story~