Warm rays of sunshine radiated onto my face and gently woke me. I rubbed my heavily eyelids and brushed the hair out of my face. I wobbled out of bed and yanked the curtains open, letting the blazing sun radiate throughout the room. I turned back, and my energy quickly dissipated when I observed the mess and filth that amounted in my room. It was as though I almost forgot what I was like and who I was for the past few months. “When did this all happen?” I sighed. I needed to start my life again – get it to where it used to be. 

Last night made me realize how foolish it was for me to shelter myself in my apartment – away from the outside world.

The previous night’s events flashed before me as I flapped my sheets. Dust particles floated vigorously in the air against the rays of sunshine peering through the window. I briefly skipped the bad moments and fast-forwarded to the ride back home. I replayed TOP smoothly driving next to me as I melted in my seat. Everything about the car ride was perfect, and it all just felt like a dream; I strangely felt comfort and safety surrounding us. Puzzled, I didn't know what to do with all these long lost feelings, and I slowly began to realize that maybe I was holding onto this grudge for too long. 

We spoke minimally, yet we were still able to enjoy the peaceful car ride. The sound of his engine softly hummed in the background as well. Nothing about it was awkward, and neither of us felt pressured to “break the ice”. He was so gentle and careful with my presence, as if I was a glass figurine in a collection. I was able to immediately acknowledge his efforts to keep me calm and away from the stress and drama. He was like this, even with his words. Funny, how a man with such stage charisma could be so controlled and serene up close and personal.

But wait, this couldn’t mean I had any kind of feelings for him. No.. Since when did getting help from a kind man mean anything to me? His gesture was only friendly and nothing more, and all I needed to do was thank him. I shook my head to block out any other ideas. I had to convince myself that this wasn’t right – that I wasn’t going to meet him again. But, this small encounter with him could possibly be the reason why I wanted to shape up again – to get my life back together. He made me feel something refreshing and desiring that I never experienced after Jay left. I felt like I was on a small trip down the life Jay took away from me. I scoffed just thinking about how much I thought I really loved him. I shook my head one last time and continued to clean the mess I created for myself in my living room like a hoarder going through self-treatment.

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My apartment was now spotless, and the place began to look and feel like how it used to – back when I was truly pure and happy. I smiled and sipped on my morning coffee, proud of my hard work. Who knew that a single day’s “spring clean-out” could be so therapeutic?

*Ding Dong*

My eyes flickered, and my mind began to panic in circles. Who could it possibly be? Unless it was the delivery guy, it had been too long since anyone rang that doorbell. My heart raced, thinking perhaps it could be TOP. My stomach felt light with butterflies, as I paced, not quite ready for this kind of interaction again.

I cautiously opened the door, slightly hoping deep down that it was TOP.

“Good morning.”

Nichkhun beamed in front of my door, smiling widely. My heart immediately dropped as I continued to stare at him.

 “So, you still live here.” he cocked an eyebrow as he frisked into my living room. I slowly turned around and continued to look at him in disbelief. He plopped down on the couch and took a juicy bite out of an apple that sat in a bowl in front of him. Only the crisp sound of his crunch echoed in the apartment as I stood in front of the door in shock.

“Come sit!” he chirped.

“What?” I spat in shock. I warned Nichkhun with a keen glare who continued to munch on his apple. “Get out!” I barked as I pointed at the door behind me, motioning him to leave. 

“To this day, I still don’t understand why you’re trying to hide from me, Elle! I did absolutely nothing to deserve this sort of treatment from you. Stop acting like we're strangers! Last night made me remember how much I valued you, and how much I missed you. How much I missed seeing you everyday and every precious moment we shared together. Don't try to tell me that you don't miss those memories. You know, I really tried being friends with you, especially after your breakup. But, it was so hard with you constantly avoiding me and pushing me away like I was some haunting ghost. You completely lost it, and removed yourself from my life physically but never mentally. But now, you're finally here standing in front of me after these long hard years without being able to see you, and I’m not letting you get away this time.” He sighed and rubbed the back of his stiff neck, running his fingers through his hair in frustration.

I felt the blood rush to my face as hot tears quickly began to form. All the memories I kept away were racing past my mind. I was reminded that my happiest times happened with him and Jay. Then again, I was quickly reminded of the messy and vague breakup that came afterwards. I looked away as tears streamed down my cheeks, quickly wiping them away with the back of my hands.

Khun gently watched me with apologetic eyes and slowly got off the couch. I stood frozen, unable to do anything more. “Please, Elle...” He cautiously walked towards me, with arms open. His quiet footsteps came closer to me, and my head hung low as I looked down at the floor.