Am I really living?

The human being has several aspects. First is physical, my body is living and functioning almost as how a human being is supposed to but I do not develop or rather I do not age. How I look now will be how I will look in the indefinite future-- fair, unblemished and beautiful. I’m sure of this because I feel my lungs fill with and expel air, my heart beats and my digestive system digests, all of these controlled by my brain in an endless cycle.

Emotional, now this is tricky. It’s been months since I have been living in ‘normal’ human civilization. Some emotions are innate like happiness, sadness and anger. Some come to me in very foreign and complex ways. I may have not felt them in my past or I have just forgotten in the long years I have lived.

Social, considering I’m supposed to shun the male specie I don’t really have a clear view of how I am a supposed to be a social being. It is true that I can’t avoid them and that’s that. Some are claiming to have feelings of affection for me but they are just blinded, I hope they get their sight back, figuratively.

Mental, all human beings are rational thinkers and in this aspect I can’t be more of a human being than the people around me. Spiritual, for me Artemis is god(dess). Discussing this is somewhat arguable, I’m not really sure if I have a soul still.

Hot, crimson blood dripped from a gash in my forearm. I stared at it, looking at the cold hard evidence of life dripping from broken skin. “Hey, are you alright?” He looks over to me and I flinch from the skin contact.

“I’m okay.” I give him a small smile, waking up from my mental rant. He returns my smile and flaunts his dimples walking ahead of me to wash the blood off my skin.

“Ah.” He hisses as I position my arm below the flow of cool water. Blood mixed with the water and swirls down the drain. “It’s not stopping.” He hisses again gnashing his teeth and looking away. I pull my arm out of the flow of the water and look at it closely.

“It doesn’t hurt.” I inform him and look at my arm strangely, usually wounds like these heal easily for me and they don’t leave any scars. I will my eyes closely at the wound and stare at it until I coax out its healing. The wound barely closes but the minute movement of the skin is enough to stop the blood flow. I guess in the physical aspect, maybe I’m not human at all.

“Wait for me.” Hongbin guides me to one of the benches and sprints to where we left our bikes at. I look over his panicked form and I sigh. When he comes back he had bandages and cold drinks in his hands.

He could not put the bandages on me because he forgot scissors and medical tape. The wound stopped bleeding anyway so he just hands me the bandages and open my drink for me.

He sighs before taking a sip and looks over to me. “About last time…” I blew out a breath and he pauses, avoiding my gaze. Girls passed our bench and they flash their shy smiles at him. He returns their smiles with a coy expression and looks over to me.

“I don’t know wha—“ I start only to be interrupted by giggling and Hongbin smiling back at the people, specifically girls, passing by. I furrow my eyebrows and decide not to continue. Did you see him? That guy is cute! I hear hushed words and it’s enough to shorten my temper.

“Goodbye, Hongbin.” I stood and left my half full bottle beside him. Strides long and fast, I should be studying now. “Don’t be jealous.” He exclaims loud and clear for me to hear, some of the girls turn back as did I, when Hongbin walks toward me they whisper again and walk away.

I grimace, being here recently has made my face accustomed again to different facial expressions, some I don’t even understand myself.  How am I being jealous?

“I came here with you.” His voice drops a tad and I sense his pain of not being able to touch me as his hands hand midair wanting to hold me. What’s happening?

“I like you, maybe even love you. Those girls…” he sighs and rakes his fingers through his dark hair. “They don’t matter.” If possible my frown grows deeper, if he finds me unattractive like this then I’ll count that as a success.

He chuckles then puts his hand in the air above my head, waiting for my permission that I don’t give him. “I’m sure it’s the same in this whole nation but you and I have midterms next week so we need to study.” I evade where he’s going with the topic and lean my head the other way, opposite from him.

“I should be jealous. That other guy in your house, is he…?” He doesn’t dare say another word and swallows hard. I look over to him and he looks serious.  I breathe in and exhale loudly, should I at least try to explain what I think happened that day? Leo didn’t need an explanation.

He sighs in response, shifting uncomfortably in his position. I stare at my arm, a thin red mark, blemishing the perfection. I have questions too, now especially about my humanity. Should I tell him that, too?

“No, I—“The words are caught in my throat and they choke me until I could not utter any more. I shake my head, take a step back and leave.  He didn’t follow me like I had expected. I arrived home safely and mother was relaxing in the living room watching a home shopping channel.

“Have you eaten?” She asks from the sofa. I shake my head no and dash quickly to my room. “Well at least remove the grass in your hair.” She hollers, eyeing my quick, furious steps.

***

“What are your weak points?” I turn to Hyuk. He is sitting beside me, holding a pen in his hand twirling it when he’s idle.

“Math and Science.” He beams showing his white teeth. I explained to him how I study, how I start with the subjects that are hard for me and move to the easier ones. He shifts in his chair, like he’s uncomfortable under my gaze and bangs his knee under the table.

As soon as the sound reverberates around the silent room, endless pairs of eyes throws us meaningful looks. Luckily stacks of books partially covered our faces.

After a few minutes, Hyuk starts to shift again in his seat my eyes couldn’t help but to look over to him.

“Let’s go home.” He meekly whispers to my direction. I sigh, just as soon as the hard chairs and tables of the library are warming up to me, he decides to leave.

This was his idea and he had to drag me into it. He also asked Juri to join us and she did but she had to leave early. “Can you wait for a few minutes?” My eyes return to my books, he whispers back an agreement and starts returning the books we have accumulated.

Under the strong light in the library, I had no idea that it was already dusk outside. He returns to our table, eyes bright and lips curled into a small smile. He straightens as I join him and leaves me a few inches of personal space, smiling as he does so. All this time I’ve been looking too closely and overlooked how tall he is compared to me. He is tall for a young human.

Right now, I am human, just a regular high school student walking to the bus stop to travel home. My fingertips skim over the scar on my forearm, it’s lighter in color now and less raised. I am human and this is normal, I get scars but they vanish as time passes.

“Princess, don’t freak out but I see someone eyeing you.” I look around calmly, my eyes sweeping the roads, sidewalks and buildings.

“I don’t see anyone.” His hand holds my forearm, fingers temporarily covering the scar. It’s like the slight dimness of the surrou