20 Despite Holding On
Bitter Love, Complicated Life
[Sora's POV]
I wake up earlier this morning. It's only 5 AM and BEAST will start their schedule at 11 PM today. I get up from my bed and do my morning activities as usual.
I turn on my notebook once I've done with my hair. I check my e-mail and there are already five e-mails, requesting me to make documentation for their events.
I can't take them all. I must attend the research project meeting at least three times a week and I still have to work on the research project.
I really need to find a new apartment soon. My sister has gave me a new address; it's not far from my old apartment and it's closer to the university.
My eyes read through the mails and then I open new tab in the browser to open the Twitter account. As if I am already set to do it everytime I open a browser, I open Yoseob's twitter account.
No new update.
What am I doing? I should stop doing this. I mean, we're not dating anymore.
I'm just his personal photographer now. Just like the old time. Just like when I met him for the first time.
Last night they dropped me at the hotel without asking about the reason I cried. My sister even decided to stay silence; probably because Junghwa knew it's not the best moment to ask me.
I still haven't talked to Yoseob. It's really awkward now between me and him.
Can I stay with this atmosphere?
I take a deep breath and find my phone. I text something and send the message to Yoseob.
I hope it will help even just for a little. I hope so.
[Gikwang's POV]
The dark circle under Yoseob's eyes are getting darker day by day. He doesn't look good either today.
"Hey," I tap his shoulder and he turns to look at me. "You're alright?"
"I don't know if I am alright or not," he murmurs. He leans to the chair lazily.
We are at the backstage, ready to show our performances for today's music program. Both of Sora and Mina will be taking the pictures of us today.
I met Sora before the preparation and she doesn't look good either. She looked really tired and I really hate it when I see the forced smile on her face.
"Last night...," Yoseob mumbles, "...she sang it for me."
"I know," I respond. Of course I know. All of us know about it.
"If only I can tell her the reason without hurting her," he sighs and closes his eyes. "It's killing me to see her hurting like this. It's all misunderstanding."
I actually think the same. I mean, I let go of Sora so she can finally be happy with the one she loves.
But what does she get now?
"She sent me a text message this morning," Yoseob tells. He takes his phone on the table and shows me the text message.
"I'm sorry for everything. Be happy. I hope you will find the perfect girl for your heart."
I guess this just added up the reason for him to hate himself from breaking up with Sora. Aish.
"Look, if you can tell her directly, why don't you just say it with song?" I give him an idea while I return his phone.
This is an idea I've thought since last night. If I am on Yoseob's position, I think I will do this: singing a song so Sora will notice there is something unusual behind everything.
"What?" Yoseob frowns. "Say it with song?"
"We still have time to change our performance," I explain. "You just need to tell us what song you want to sing on the stage. Think fast."
He rubs his head, "I don't know. Are you sure about it?"
"It's worth a shot," I smile to him.
I stand up and pat his shoulder, "I don't want to see Sora like this forever. I want both of you to be happy."
I walk away to tell Doojoon about this plan, holding inside the pain I hide.
I still love Sora.
So please, let Sora be happy.
[Yoseob's POV]
"We are so BEAST!" we greet the audiences once we are on the stage.
We stand on our positions and Doojoon gives me a nod, smiling as if he is telling me that everything is alright.
I considered Gikwang's idea and I took the chance. I chose the title and told the other members; they agreed to sing it together.
I take a deep breath, fixing the tie around my neck since all of us are wearing black suit tonight.
I wait for Junhyung to start the song.
"Hheeojijago neomu himdeuldago
Deoisang beotil jasini eopdago mianhadago"
“Let’s Break up”, It’s very hard to say
But now we’re no longer together, I’m sorry
We only performed this song twice. But I requested to our manager and the staffs, thanks to the other members as well, so we can perform this song for tonight's special live performance.
It's supposed to be a cheerful and energic dance performance tonight, but I made a special request.
It was granted.
"Jal jinaerago apeuji mallago
Naboda deo joheunyeojareul mannaseo haengbokharago"
Saying goodbye does not really hurt
What hurts me more is you telling me to be happy with another girl
I try to find Sora at the audience seats when Doojoon is singing his part. There she is at the left side; Mina is taking pictures from our right side.
I hold on my microphone tighter when Hyunseung sings his part.
"Geurigonaseo nareul dugo naseomyeonseo
Jeongmallo nal saranghaetdago geureotago"
And you turn around, you’re leaving me alone
I really love you, yes, it’s true
Sora, please know that I sing this song for you. These are words I can't say to you.
I'm sorry for breaking up with you. I really am.
If only you know how my heart was breaking into pieces when you told me that you hope that I will be happy with another girl.
I love you. I still love you.
All of us raise our microphones and sing the refrain part.
"Butjapgodo sipeotjiman nado gyeolgugen andoelgeoralgie
Japgoitdeon soneul nohajugo marasseo"
I want to hold you again but in the end I can’t
Because now I can’t reach your hand anymore
I close my eyes, putting my hand on my chest and sing my lines,
"Ijen bonaelkke My love goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye"
Now I’m sending my love goodbye
Goodbye goodbye
[Sora's POV]
I know this song. It's Despite Holding On, originally by Noel. I know that BEAST has performed this song before, long before I became their personal photographer.
Why do they suddenly sing this song? I thought the concept was cheerful dance performance.
I focus my camera at Dongwoon since it's his part now.
"Mianhadago yongseohaedallago
Yaksogeul jikijimotan jagireul miwoharago"
I’m sorry I’m asking for forgiveness
For not keeping the promises, I hate myself
My heart skips a beat and my eyes move to Yoseob. He looks down to the floor, having the sad expression on his face.
The others do the same but somehow I can see that his sadness is real.
What's with that face, Yoseob?
You are the one who broke up with me. I have enough of your apologizes. It's not that I don't want to forgive you but I just don't understand you.
I shake my head and turn my camera to Gikwang. He looks directly to my camera as if he knows I'm going to take his picture.
"Geureoke modeun neoui kkumeun heuteojyeogago
Sarangmaneuro mojarangeol neukkyeogago ouwo~"
Now your dreams are all scattered away
I deserve to love by myself, I felt that
I bite my bottom lip; the uneasy feeling strikes again.
What is this feeling?
I've decided to back off, haven't I?
"Butjapgodo (butjapgodo) sipeotjiman nado (jiman nado)
Gyeolgugen andoelgeoralgie (andoelgeol algie)
Japgoitdeon (japgoitdeon) soneul nohajugo marasseo (soneullokonaseo)"
I want to hold you again
But in the end I can’t
Because now I can’t reach your hand anymore
All of them sing the refrain part with Dongwoon does the adlib.
My heart skips a beat when Yoseob sings the line before the last refrain; as if he is really hurting.
"Ijen bonaelkke"
Now I’m sending
[Yoseob's POV]
No, I can't cry now. I'm on a stage.
After all I've done to make sure Sora will be alright, after all I've done to make sure nothing bad will happen, I must hold on this bitterness.
"Neomu bogosipeulgeoran maldo neoege haejugo sipjiman
Kkeuchirado yeppeuge namgigo sipeosseo
“I’m gonna miss you like crazy” I want to tell you that
I hoped we would have a beautiful ending
Sora, this is for you.
I miss you. Even though I can see you every day now, my heart is missing you more and more.
While the others put down their microphone, I hold on mine and look at her; I know she is focusing her camera on me.
I know my voice is wavering since I'm preventing the tears to fall.
"Ijen bonaelkke my love goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye"
But now I’m sending my love goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
I am the one who first left the stage. I wipe away my tears quickly, not letting anyone notices that I'm crying.
Sora, I hope you know I sang the song for you.
[Sora's POV]
Once they finished the song, the audiences clap for them. Their fans scream with excitement because of their passionate and emotional stage.
"They are amazing!" Mina approaches me while they step down from the stage. "Let's meet them backstage."
I nod and follow her behind. I keep checking the pictures I've taken while we're on our way to meet BEAST at backstage.
My step stops immediately when I look at the second last picture.
"What's wrong?" Mina stops as well and approaches me. She looks at the picture and makes an amazed expression with her face.
"This picture is perfect!" Mina gasps. "You must include this one in the newest photobook!"
The picture shows Yoseob is looking right at the camera. You can see that he is holding his tears, his sad expression is expressed well enough, as if he is singing the song from the bottom of his heart.
Why?
Why did you look like you want to cry?
I'm supposed to be the one who cry.
And before I could control myself, I cry.
Comments