19 I'll Back Off So You Can Live Better
Bitter Love, Complicated Life
[Yoseob's POV]
I try to make myself busy with my phone even though there is nothing to do with it.
The others are talking about where to spend the night since it's our free night, finally, after the whole busy schedule.
If only I can get get out from this van. If only manager let me to walk back to the apartment by myself.
We're just done with the interview of promoting our Japanese album and United Cube Concert, which will be expanded to Japan as well. We will work on other projects soon.
"You know, I don't think we have celebrated the birthdays of the oldest and youngest member," Mina breaks the silence. She is sitting between Dongwoon and Junhyung; good thing that she has small figure.
"Ah, you're right," Doojoon responds. "It will be great if we make a late celebration together, right?"
"What kind of late celebration?" Doojoon asks calmly. "Where are we going?"
"Hmm," Hyunseung frowns, "what do you think, Sora ah?"
I take a glance at her secretly. She is keeping herself busy with her camera, next to the driver's seat. I notice that she looks really tired.
It has been three days since she came back to Seoul yet I haven't managed to talk with her. Not even once after our last conversation at the rooftop.
Mina has told us about the new contract terms and I hate myself from breaking up with her, seriously. She tried her best so she finally can stay at Seoul and I welcomed her with a break up.
Way to go for making her happy, Yoseob.
I don't know how to begin a conversation with her like what we always did. Even looking at her makes my heart aches so bad.
"Anything you two love to do," she mutters with a forced smile.
Yes, since she came back from Seoul, since I broke up with her, she smiles more often... but all of them are fake smiles, forced smiles, hurting smiles.
"Something we love?" Dongwoon mumbles. "Ah! I have an idea!"
[Gikwang's POV]
"So," Doojoon opens the door for us, "here we are."
Doojoon requested this recording room in CUBE Entertainment building only for us. Since President has agreed as well, we are allowed to us this private recording room for two hours tonight. We even have three staffs that will help us enjoy the music here.
"It feels like karaoke room," Dongwoon laughs. "But it's so much better!"
I look at Sora. She is looking through the lyrics put on the table.
"Here," I hand over a headphone. "You need it if you want to sing a song here."
"I don't feel like I want to sing a song today," she smiles weakly to me, making my heart sinks immediately.
Where is her sweet smile?
Yes, she rarely smile, but she never gave this kind of forced smile.
She really loves Yoseob. I know that. And I know Yoseob is hurting more than me, seeing Sora like this must be torturing him slowly.
"Hey, it's a late celebration for both me and Dongwoon's birthday," Doojoon grins. "Everyone must celebrate it together."
"Yeah," Dongwoon takes a headphone. "Two hours in here and we can pick any song in the list. I want to sing a song together!"
"I'm not sure I can sing," Sohyun giggles while Junghwa takes a headphone from Hyunseung; Doojoon invites them to cheer up the celebration and they agreed to come.
I pat Sora's head softly, "Cheer up for tonight."
Yoseob is leaning to the wall without a word. He looks really down. Junhyung steps closer to him and talks with him for a while. Yoseob then takes the headphone from Junhyung and walks closer to us.
He immediately looks away when his eyes meet Sora. Sora does the same and I can see both of them are hurting.
If only I can do something.
What will I do if I'm on Yoseob's position?
[Sora's POV]
As I thought, Yoseob doesn't pick any song. He just let the others pick songs and sing happily while he only wears the headphone and smiles once in a while.
It reminds me of the day we went to karaoke, the day I sang with him. I was still Gikwang's girlfriend back then and I was dilemma about my feeling to Yoseob.
It's almost four months now. Time flies.
Actually I didn't want to go here but I don't want to hurt Doojoon's and Dongwoon's feeling. Even my sister and Junghwa come to this celebration. What will they feel if I refused to come?
I'm glad that my sister, Junghwa, and Mina never knew about my relationship with Yoseob or they will really worry about me now.
I know they are trying to cheer me up. That's why I try best to smile whenever they're around.
I'm still staying at the hotel even though Mina has convinced me to stay together with her, but how can I bear the pain of looking at Yoseob after we broke up?
I wished I didn't sign the contract so I can go back to Paris now. Ugh, where is my professionalism?
"Sora, pick a song," Hyunseung smiles to me. "We can do duet you know."
I shake my head and force another fake smile, "I haven't come up with a title yet."
"You better think fast then," Doojoon pats my head. "We only have fifteen minutes left. You will sing the last song. Deal?"
I nod slightly; I can't let Doojoon's hope failed. I look through the lyrics set and my eyes stop at a title.
This song. I know this song.
I tug Junhyung's sleeve, "Can you sing it with me?"
I show him the lyrics and he looks surprised but then he nods, telling me that he will sing it with me for sure.
I never listened to this song since I broke up with Yoseob. I don't even remember that the lyrics are so perfect for my heart now.
[Yoseob's POV]
If only I could refuse to come here. It's awkward enough to look at Sora and now we must stay together in the recording room.
Well, at least I don't need to talk to her, for now.
The last song has finished. It's another new song.
My heart skips a beat once I listen to the voice, when I hear the first sentence of the song.
"Gguhjeo joolgae jal sahra"
I’ll back off so you can live
I look up and see Sora is holding a microphone; it's her choice. She picked this song to sing for our last song tonight.
She doesn't look at anyone. She just keeps looking straight to the lyrics, focusing with the music that comes from the headphone.
I know this song. It's G.NA's debut song. Junhyung is featured in this song and Doojoon even starred in the MV.
"Ddokbaro yekihae Nahlbogosuh
Nae nooneul chuhdabogo mareuhl hae
Haeuhjijan geumahlhaetn
Nawa ggeutnaego shipeunguhni"
Say it directly looking at me
Say it looking into my eyes
Did you just say you wanted to break up?
Did you want to end it with me?
I clutch on my chest as if someone just stabbed me on my chest. I know she didn't pick this song randomly. I should have known she would pick a ballad song but I just never thought she would pick this song.
"(Ahra) Nun yeojaga sengkinguhya
(Ahra) Nun naegae shirjeung nanguhya
(Daman) Noonmuree chamaohjiman"
(I know) You probably got a lady
(I know) You probably got sick of me
(Even though) the tears are rushing to me
I clench my fists. I can see the others are looking at me with their eyes, giving me worried looks.
Please, stop it, Sora.
"Gguhjeo joolgae jal sahra
Geumarbakhae nan mothae
Eejuh joolgae jahl sahra
Na ubshido haengbokhae
Niga buhrin sarang Niga gajuhga
Namkimubshee gahjuhga
Miahnhadan mahldo hajima
Nae gukjung hajima"
I’ll back off so you can live
That is all I can say
I’ll forget you so you can live better
So that you will be happy without me
The love you tossed away, You can take it
Don’t leave even a trace behind and take it all
Don’t even say you are sorry
Don’t worry about me
I look away from her. I can't look at her anymore. I'm fighting back my tears now; I can't let her see that I'm hurting.
It's really hurt. She sings it for me. I know it.
Please, Sora, stop.
I don't want to break up with you. I don't want to end everything. I don't want you to forget about me.
Junhyung clears his throat and sings the rap part, looking me anxiously,
"Yup! shawty ma sweety
Nahl dduhna gandaneun ni eebsoolee
Ohneul ddara wae eeri wonmangseuruhwuh boeeneunji
Nuhl bootjabahya haneundae
Mahlee nahohjil ahnah
Nun eemi muhruh jineundae"
Yup! shawty ma sweety
Your lips that told me that you were going to leave
Why does it give me a reason to be angry today
I need you stop you
The words don’t out
And you are already moving far apart
I never thought that the feeling of loving someone will be this hurt. I thought love is always about sweetness, but I guess I was wrong.
The tears I've been holding on... the bitterness.
[Sora's POV]
I try to control my emotion. I don't want to cry now. I just want to sing this song so Yoseob will know how I feel to him now.
"(Ahra) Nareul da jiwoolguhya
(Ahra) Nan niga cham miwoolguhya
(Dahman) modeunguhl daahlmyunsuhdo"
(I know) You will forget me
(I know) I will really hate you
(Even though) you know everything
I can't help if he wants to forget me. I don't want myself to hate him, but can I?
I close my eyes and sing the refrain part.
"Gguhjeo joolgae jal sahra
Geumarbakhae nan mothae
Eejuh joolgae jahl sahra
Na ubshido haengbokhae
Niga buhrin sarang Niga gajuhga
Namkimubshee gahjuhga
Miahnhadan mahldo hajima
Nae gukjung hajima"
I’ll back off so you can live
That is all I can say
I’ll forget you so you can live better
So that you will be happy without me
The love you tossed away, You can take it
Don’t leave even a trace behind and take it all
Don’t even say you are sorry
Don’t worry about me
If he really want me to back off, I will do that. I will try to forget him if he want me to do that. If he will be happier without me.
I don't need his apologize. His apologizes don't answer my question.
Why did you leave me, Yoseob?
"(You) Naega sahratdun eeyu
(You) Nagae wonhaetdun junbu
You~ Nuh hanaman barabwajoodun najahnah
(Why) Wae nahl dduhnanguhya
(Why) Wae nahl buhreeneunguhya
(Uhchapi eeruhlguhmyunsuh)
Wae nahl saranghanguhni"
(You) The reason I lived
(You) You were all I wanted
You~ It was me who only looked at you
(Why) Why are you leaving?
(Why) Why are you tossing me away?
(If you were going to be like this)
Why did you love me in the first place?
A tear has escaped from my eyes.
Was it only me the one who love you truly from the first?
If you're never serious about me, why did you confess to me?
We could just be friends, like me and Gikwang. Not like now; we're like strangers now.
"Hokshi geunahl sengkak na
Woori chuheum manan nahl
Ahjikdo nan sengkakna
Niga haetdun yaksokee
Naman ahkkyuhjoogo Naman jikigo
Naman saranghandago
Nan miduhtsuh nuhae guhjitmal
Nan miduhtdan mahlya"
Do you happen to remember that day?
That day when we first met
I still remember it
The promise you made to me
That you will only care for me That you will only protect me
That you will only love me
I believed your lies
I believed it
I can't sing anymore. My heart is aching.
His promise to stay with me. His care for me. His love for me.
All of them were lies, weren't they?
And I believe in them.
I take off the headphone and wipe my tears away.
My sister steps closer to me but I shake my head, telling her that I'm alright. I know I messed up the cheerful celebration tonight; I must apologize to Doojoon and Dongwoon after this.
I bite my bottom lip and look at Yoseob.
He doesn't even look at me.
That's his answer.
He's better without me.
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