Love

It was something that I was holding on to, the only thing that’s binding me with Jongin. When it started, and how it had happened, I never knew. Jongin left before I even got the chance to know the answer, before I even understood the feeling of it. All I know is that love is forever associated with happiness, because the mere mention of his name would give my heart a tickling sensation. The excitement to spend another day with him was overwhelming I often found myself breathless at the thought.

To Kyungsoo

But everything was cut short when Jongin died. All the happiness had been wiped out, leaving behind a letter to remind me of the pain, of the love that I would have had if he was given enough time. And maybe that was why I was desperately holding onto Jongin. Because though we never had our chance to write our love story, that ray of hope given by his last letter was enough not to let myself forget of my feelings for him. It was enough of a proof that my love wasn’t one sided, that he felt the same way about me. And all of the regret and pain only doubled because maybe if I had told him as soon as I found out that I loved him; maybe we would have been together before he died. Maybe I wouldn’t be so lost on thinking about all the ‘what ifs’ and possibilities of our cut short relationship. If I had told him sooner, maybe I wouldn’t be as pained of not being able to say it to him.

I was glad to have been your friend, Soo.

A tear had fallen, every single time I read his letter, it was always the same. I would always end up crying.

But it would have been better if I was more to you.

I pulled my knees close to my chest, hoping that the gesture would be enough to lessen the pain… to keep myself from falling apart… but it didn’t, the gesture never did. The hole only got bigger, hollowed itself more as it me in. I felt every single part of my being scattered into pieces.

I love you, Soo. Not just as a friend. You’ve always been more than that to me.

I bite my lip to keep it from trembling. I was beginning to feel as though the world around me has expanded, and it was suffocating because it made me feel vulnerable, it made me feel small. Jongin thought I only saw him as a friend, and all the regret he had was compacted in just a few paragraphs of his letter.

I’m sorry. I didn’t have the courage to tell you.

I was afraid of you rejecting me; I value you way too much to have my feelings turned down.

I was afraid you’d leave me. I was afraid of you distancing yourself from me.

If I was capable of distancing myself from Jongin, I would have done it before. I couldn’t even bring myself to forget him. Jongin was afraid of the things I couldn’t have done if my life depended on it.

And now I’m afraid that my time is up.

I’m sorry again if I didn’t tell you, I couldn’t bring myself to.

Because l know it would only wipe away your smile that I love so much.

And I don’t want that.

Your smile is the only reason I have to hold on as much as I can.

I LOVE YOU KYUNSGOO

I love how your eyes made you look like you’re always surprised.

I love the way your lips form a heart when you smile.

I love the way your eyes would arc cutely when you laugh.

I love how my heart would melt at the sound of your voice singing.

I only wish I could have done the things I’ve always wanted to do with you.

I’ve always wondered how it would feel to kiss your plump lips.

How it would feel to have your hand intertwined with mine.

How it would feel to hug you as close as possible. Because I’ve always been afraid of losing you.

And I still am.

Because I love you. And I’ll always will. Even after I’ve gone.

So, can you do me a favor, Soo?

Please don’t forget me.

Goodbye Kyungsoo.

I LOVE YOU

Kim Jongin

It was always a battle of getting angry and breaking down after reading his letter. But it would always end up with my heart getting broken. Because when Jongin was afraid of losing me, I was the one who lost him. He was the one who left me. I should have been angry, I should hate him. But he even had the courage to tell me he loved me when he knew he’d be leaving. He even asked me to not forget him. How could I forget him?

I loved him.

And I still do.

Silent sobs escaped me, endless tears were shed. I clutched at the place near my heart because it still hurts. Not as much as before, but it still hurts. Because I wasn’t even able to tell him that I loved him too. I wasn’t able to tell him how much I loved his smile, his whininess, his acting like a kid, even his occasional stupidity. I wasn’t able to tell him how much I wanted to kiss him too, how much I wanted to hold his hand, how much I wanted him to trap me in his embrace. There were so many things I wasn’t able to tell him, so many things I wasn’t able to do with him, and so many things we could have been.

Jongin had said his goodbye, but I couldn’t bring myself to do the same. I couldn’t find it in me to let go of him yet. Even now that I tried to read his letter after retrieving half of my broken heart with Kai’s help, it only broke again at the start of his letter.

I wanted to move on. I wanted to leave all the pain behind.

Because I could feel a slight change in my heart, and the guilt was eating me from the inside.

I was falling for Kai. And I wanted to love him without my heart in pieces. I wanted to love him without my tears continuously falling behind his back for Jongin. I wanted to love him without me pretending he was Jongin. I wanted to complete myself; I wanted to have myself back. But how could I do that when Jongin’s letter is still making me breathless from crying? How can I do that when I could feel myself falling apart as I read his letter? How could I do that when a part of my heart is still with Jongin?

Jongin,

I love you.

And I’m scared.

I’m starting to fall for someone else.

===============

If I had done something to have hurt someone, I would have apologized. If I had done something offended, I would have apologized, especially if that someone was Kyungsoo. Because heaven knows how much I was afraid to hurt the petit male. He was already special to me, not to mention he was fragile; I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. And seeing how much he was distancing himself from me told me that something was wrong.

His smiles weren’t reaching his eyes anymore; his eyes were losing their spark again. His laugh was nothing but a hollow echo bouncing off the equally empty walls. It was causing my heart to panic, Kyungsoo was returning to his broken state. He was drowning in another wave of depression that I have no way of knowing. But I figured it had something to do with Jongin, it always have. Maybe it was because of the way the sky had started to darken, warning everyone that it would soon be shedding snow, or maybe because in just a few days it would be Jongin’s death anniversary again.

“Hey Soo…” I voiced softly and he looked at me. I was instantly saddened at how empty his eyes looked. After seeing his eyes sparkling for so long, it’s worrying to see them like this, like he’s shut down.

“Yes?” Even Kyungsoo’s voice sounded empty.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…”

It’s definitely not nothing, Soo.

“Are you okay?”

“…” He only looked at me, and his empty eyes melted into that of intense sadness that I absentmindedly reached out for him, attempting to hug him. I pulled him close, enclosing my arms around his narrow shoulders in a warm embrace. I rested my chin on the top of his head, my hand gently running up and down his back to calm the slightly trembling Kyungsoo.

I didn’t know what it was that made him return to his old self, but the way he didn’t push me when I tried to hug him told me that I still had a small part of the real Kyungsoo. Because of all the times I’ve refrained myself from touching him, from getting anywhere near his personal space, this hug is our first skin ship. This hug is the closest I’ve been around him. And I should have been happy, because Kyungsoo would be able to hear my heartbeat at where his ears are now pressed on, because I could feel his shaky breathing. But I couldn’t, instead I felt dread, because I was only able to embrace him because he was breaking again, because he was sinking in so much pain again. And maybe he allowed the gesture because he thought it was needed to keep himself from falling apart.

“It’s okay Soo… It’ll be okay,” I found myself saying before my brain could even get the chance to filter it. And I wasn’t expecting any response from Kyungsoo; I was already used to him giving me nothing but silence as a reply whenever he’s on the verge of breaking. But when his small hands found my shirt and gripped them tight as if his world would completely break if he let go surprised me. A small whimper escaped him and I looked down, seeing him biting his lips to keep himself from wailing as tears trained down his face. It was a heartbreaking sight, because the person I love was crying and I couldn’t do anything to stop the tears from falling.

How could I when the mere sight of my face would be the reason behind it? When everything about me would trigger all the pain Kyungsoo was trying his best to leave behind? I’ve always wondered if it would be better to pack and go, to forget all my feelings for Kyungsoo for the sake of keeping his sanity. Because I know how much my presence was cruelly playing with his already unkempt feelings. He hasn’t completely healed, and here I was opening old and fresh wounds with the way I looked. But when Kyungsoo clawed my shirt, right at this moment, all those thoughts of leaving disappeared. How could I ever leave Kyungsoo knowing he needs me now more than ever? How could I turn my back to him when he’s looking at me with such desperation and sadness?

Of course I couldn’t.

I already love Kyungsoo too much to even think about leaving him for good.

I couldn’t even stomach the thought of him crying alone in his room with nothing but Jongin’s memories to haunt him.

We stayed like that, with Kyungsoo’s silent sobbing and my gentle rocking him from side to side. I wanted to help him, I wanted to fix him, and I wanted to save him. Maybe it would help if I told him my feelings? Maybe it would help him if I told him I love him? But then again it just might make him confused, or end up in him to distance himself more from me.

Can I live with that?

No, of course not.

As of now, only Jongin could fix him. Only Jongin can make him feel better.

And I wasn’t Jongin.

“S-sorry…” Kyungsoo started with much difficulty because his voice was breaking from too much crying. And the sound of his voice broke my heart a little bit more. My hand instinctively reached his face and I ran my thumb over his cheek to wipe the stray tears away. I hated it when he cried, hated the way his breath would hitch to try and keep up, hated the way his eyes would puff from the strain, hated the way his lips would swell from his biting. Now I know why people hated to see their loved ones cry… because the very sight in front of me was breaking my heart.

Please Kyungsoo, don’t cry anymore. I love you.

“I love you…”

===============

If Kai was joking or if he was making fun of me to make me feel better, he was doing a pretty crappy job. Because the words he just whispered made my head spin, it made my heart skip a beat, and it made my cheeks heat up, everything happened all at the same time that I felt sick, I felt like throwing up. The words were just a whisper, very soft I almost missed it. But I didn’t.

If he intended it to be a joke then he just made the worst joke ever.

Because heaven knows how far I’ve fallen for him, how deep I could have loved him. And that was one of the reasons why I was having such a huge dilemma, why I was practically breaking down in his strong arms again, why my heart was being torn in half.

It was all because I’ve already come to terms with my love for Kai, and because half of my heart still belonged to Jongin.

I think I love you too, Kai…

Fresh set of tears came running down my face partly because I wanted to give Kai a reply but I still didn’t know what my answer would be for it was still hazy, and partly because I was genuinely happy. Because I never thought that Kai would be returning my feelings. All this time I only thought he hung out with me because I was his brother’s friend, because he wanted to know me, because he saw me as a pathetic friend of his brother who couldn’t get over his death. And I was wrong… Kai’s confession was proof of that. And my heart skipped a beat from sheer happiness, but my face must have said otherwise because Kai’s brows furrowed in concern as his thumb wiped away my tears and was shushing my hitching breath and small whimpers.

“I’m sorry Soo… It just slipped out and- please don’t cry, I- sshh- Soo, calm down please, I-” Kai blurted out all at once, worry lacing his voice as he fussed over me, even grabbing some tissues to wipe at my face. My heart swelled. Every movement and gestures he did ooze with love. And guilt invaded my system, my mind registered Kai’s painfully familiar face. What if I was only imagining my feelings for Kai because he looked like Jongin? What if I was only saying I loved Kai because I was still immersed in my little world of pretending?

What if I only end up hurting Kai?

No, it’s not fair. It wouldn’t be fair. I needed to sort my feelings. I needed to know if I was genuinely falling for Kai because he was Kai and not Jongin. I needed to know that I wasn’t pretending to be in love with him…

I needed to know if I had finally moved on.

Jongin…

Will you allow me to fall for your brother?

“I’m sorry…” I breathed and grabbed Kai’s wrist and gently pulled it away from me. The look of shock that instantly melted into that of pain on Kai’s eyes pinched my heart. I stood up from my seat, and walked away, not missing how dejected and desperate Kai had looked when he tried to reach for my hand but stopped, letting me go. Though I wanted to run back into his arms, I still couldn’t, not when I was still unsure of everything, not when I was feeling safe in his embrace but was half thinking of how Jongin felt the same, not when I was still crying over Jongin.

Kai…