If I was hurt when my brother had left, the pain I felt as I watched Kyungsoo’s retreating back surpassed that. I couldn’t move, only because the warmth of Kyungsoo’s hand when he pushed my hand away was frighteningly still lingering on my skin, and I could feel it slowly slipping away. I tried to hold him back, to stop him from going, but all the courage and determination I had to do so vanished when I saw the look in his eyes, the look that told me he needed time, that he needed space.

That he needed to get away.

From me.

And all the strength I had disappeared. I felt broken, like a huge piece of my being was dragged away at the same time that Kyungsoo had turned his back without another word. The gesture screamed of his unsaid apologies, but it didn’t lessen the pain. I know he desperately needed what it was that he’s supposed to do, and I have nothing against that. But all the uncertainty of him leaving without any assurance of his return… if he’ll be coming back just to see me… even just for the sake of some company was what’s eating me with dread.

How long will it take for him to find himself when it took me a long time just to introduce him to it?

I wanted to be with him.

I wanted his warmth by my side.

Why did I even let him go? I should have just grabbed him when I had the chance. I should have held him despite the way he pushed me away. I was willing to help him heal; I was willing to do anything to fix him. I was already doing that the moment I laid eyes on his broken state though I didn’t realize what I’ve been doing until now. How could I let a simple look in his eyes change what I wanted to originally do?

I was wrong, terribly wrong.

I wasn’t fixing him because I wanted him unhurt. I didn’t want him to find himself merely because he was lost.

I wanted to fix him because I wanted to see him constantly smile for real. I wanted him to find himself because that Kyungsoo was the one I fell in love with. I wanted to patch his already broken self because I wanted to be able to keep him together with love… my love. I was willing to give everything I had to accomplish those, because I love Kyungsoo… because I was able to see beyond what Jongin had seen.

I was able to see the real Kyungsoo, and that was enough for my heart to start beating only for him. Kyungsoo has captured my heart, and he took half of it when he left, and I willingly gave it to him.

Of course I would.

The only possible thing that I wouldn’t be able to do and live with just might be what I just did.

I let him go.

Reality kicked in, my limbs moved on autopilot in a desperate attempt on catching up on the person I loved who left… but considering how long I stood rooted to the ground, half of me had accepted that I was too late. Kyungsoo was long gone when I reached the sidewalk. I every direction hoping to see the familiar small figure with narrow shoulders but didn’t. I started to panic, what if I’ve lost him? What if I didn’t see him again? I ran to hop onto my car, drove on the familiar route that was almost engraved on my brain to Kyungsoo’s house. I illegally parked, flew out of the car and to Kyungsoo’s front door.

“Kyungsoo!” I screamed as I knocked. Silence answered my futile calls of desperation.

Kyungsoo…

Please.

I tried turning the knob and found it locked. Kyungsoo wasn’t home. Then I remembered Jongin. I my heels and started to run, to where I felt Kyungsoo must be… where he most probably always goes. It was always Jongin… it’s always been Jongin. Kyungsoo’s world revolved around my dead brother was starting to get frustrating. I was with him yet he felt like I was Jongin. I stayed by his side and tried to fix his broken heart only to have him fall in love with Jongin more. I helped him see how love could have been like but he only pushed me under his Jongin’s shadows. I only let him because it was the reason why his smile has gotten real. I only let him because he was starting to get back on his own two feet. I only let him because he was starting to live.

And I thought that maybe he’d get over it and start to see me… to see Kai.

But he didn’t.

For how long I was running, I didn’t know. But finally I crouched down to catch my breath as I saw the familiar petit figure I loved so much standing by Jongin’s grave. Without even being able to catch all my breath, I ran again, allowing my body to slam onto Kyungsoo’s back and enclosing my arms around him. He felt perfect, like he was made to be forever in my embrace. His scent wafted through my nose, and I let it wander into my system.

“Kyungsoo…”

He didn’t move nor made a sound.

“I love you.”

Nothing.

And it hurt, too much that I thought I heard my heart literally break. I tightened my hold on him, hoping the gesture would be enough to lessen the pain… hoping his warmth would be enough to keep myself from completely breaking… hoping my embrace would be enough to keep him by my side.

“What did Jongin have that I don’t?” I breathed. What was it that I had forgotten to do to make him forget about Jongin? What was it that had kept him to see Jongin instead of me?

“I love you Kyungsoo. Please… can’t you please open your eyes and see me?” I was desperate, only because the pain had become too much. What if the next time Kyungsoo turns his back on me it would be the last? What if the next time he leaves it would be because he was still in love with Jongin? What if the next time I failed to stop him from going would be the reason of me losing him forever?

I didn’t want him turning his back on me again. I never want him to push my hand away only to go and run from me. I never want to see his back retreating with me rooted on the ground helplessly. I never want to feel the pain of letting the one you love so much go, because it hurt. It hurt too much.

“Please… I’m not Jongin.”

===============

I was mulling over on what I wanted to tell Jongin which puzzled me. After all the times I’ve been here, there was not a single moment that I’ve been lost for words. I always knew what to say to Jongin, I always knew how to greet him, and I always knew how to talk to him. But now, I couldn’t even think of a single word to start my sentence. I couldn’t find the right things to express what I wanted Jongin to know. I was about to let his name roll out of my lips when someone crashed onto me and caged me on a tight embrace. I wasn’t even able to recover from the impact but my brain had already registered who it was.

Kai.

How I was able to quickly feel safe and contented under his touch escaped me. I regretted how I pushed him away because now I felt how I loved his touch… that I loved how I seem to feet perfectly on his arms... that I loved how I could feel his erratic heartbeat against my back… that I loved the way I could recognize him through his mere touch.

Kyungsoo…

I couldn’t move. I reveled on how his voice was so different from Jongin.

What did Jongin have that I don’t?

And my heart skipped a painful beat at how broken Kai had sounded. What did Jongin had that Kai didn’t?

Nothing.

Because Kai was everything he was that I needed. Kai was everything that was enough to complete the hole that’s forever been there the moment Jongin left. Kai was everything Jongin couldn’t have been.

And it took me until now to realize that. It took me until now to realize how Kai’s eyes would turn into half moons when he smiles, how he would start off from a slight giggle before wailing out into a full blown laugh, how he would stare into my eyes with his head tilted to the side when he finds something confusing and have his eyes widening as he slowly gets it, how he would always seem to know what to say to make me feel better, how he would always seem to know when I needed his hand squeezing my shoulder, how he would always seem to know when his smile would be enough to give me some encouragement, how he would always seem to know when’s the right time to ask me what was wrong.

I love you Kyungsoo. Please… can’t you please open your eyes and see me?

It took me until now to realize that Kai truly loved me.

And it took me until now to realize that I was in love with Kai, and not with Jongin.

I’ve moved on… all because Kai was there to help me through it all. Kai was there when I was desperately searching for someone to help me from drowning further on my own sadness, he was there when I was in a desperate need of someone to hold me to keep myself from completely breaking, and he was there to wash away the tears I was too tired to constantly shed, he was there to hear my silent cries for help.

Kai was there.

Jongin wasn’t.

And that was enough. That was enough to have me falling for him deeper than I have fallen for Jongin. It was enough to have my body tingle in excitement from the thought of him embracing me. It was enough proof to have my heart start to beat for his existence.

Please… I’m not Jongin.

Of course you’re not Jongin.

Because when Jongin broke me, Kai completed me.

Hey Jongin…

I gently placed my hand over Kai’s strong arms that wrapped my small figure. I attempted to lose his hold but I only felt him stiffen before tightening his grip more. I fought the urge to chuckle because I could only guess the pain he’s now feeling from my previous action. Kai was scared of me running away… he was scared of me leaving him.

Thank you for loving me.

I let myself lean on his strong chest and felt Kai bury his face on the top of my head, his hands now clawing on my shirt. I could hear him mumbling my name, faintly heard his silent wishes of me not to run away. I felt sorry for unintentionally hurting him, but was thankful I was able to do what I had done, because through that I was able to clear my head, I was able to sort out my unsure feelings, I was able to answer all the doubts I had for myself.

And I’m happy to have fallen in love with you.

When I had decided to let Kai go a while ago, when I had made up my mind to create some distance between us, when I finally let go of his hands and took what I thought would be my last glance through his eyes for a long time. I felt like half of my heart disappeared, like it purposely stayed there with Kai as I turned my back to him. I felt like half of my soul left me to stay with Kai, like it was sure I’d be going back to him, like it was sure that it was where I would find myself, that it was where I would be feeling safe and forever it will stay that way. The realization wasn’t a slap in the face, but rather a gently caress onto my heart.

And it only strengthened the moment Kai caged me on his embrace.