It was that time of the year… the ground was now covered in white again, the sky forever a shade of dark grey, the sun nowhere to be seen. I took a day off, planning on staying with Jongin just like I did every year at his death anniversary. I cooked something to bring with me, opting to always cook enough for two because Jongin was there. I packed everything neatly on a bag, the clock hanging by the wall dinged twelve noon as I closed the door of my apartment. I locked the door and started my long walk to Jongin.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have a car, but I enjoyed walking more. No matter how heavy my bag was, I would still walk my way there. Walking made me think, it made me feel calm. Plus, I was still hoping that my mind would play tricks on me again and make an illusion of Jongin walking at the sidewalk. And ever since the day that finally it did, I was more than happy to walk my way to Jongin everyday. Maybe I would be lucky enough to imagine him again. I stopped by that same flower shop I go everyday, buying a bouquet of Jongin’s favorite flowers.

“Hi there Kyungsoo, the usual?” the florist, Joonmyun, asked. I gently shook my head with a sad smile and he looked at his calendar. And as if knowing what the date meant, he nodded at me once and carefully got the two kinds of flowers I wanted to buy today. I’ve always bought Jongin’s favorite flower, but today was different; I added my favorite flower on the bouquet. As to why I decided to do it, or when I started doing it, I couldn’t remember. I just enjoyed how his favorite flower complimented mine, liked the way our two favorite flowers could be together… when Jongin and I couldn’t.

“Here… say hi to him for me.” Joonmyun said with a slight smile as he handed me the carefully arranged bouquet. I paid and said yes before I was leaving his shop, the slight ringing of the bell hummed as the door slowly closed behind me.

It was a good two hours walk to Jongin’s cemetery from my place, added thirty minutes on my constant stopover at the flower shop. But the tiring walk never bothered me, it never did and never will. I smiled to myself as Jongin’s grave came into view and I stopped in front of it.

“Hi Jongin.” I greeted as I set down my bag of food and placed my bouquet on top of his grave. I got the bouquet I placed there yesterday and dumped them on the trash bin. I carefully laid down the tupperware of food I cooked at home, splitting everything in two. I placed one plate near his stone and smiled. It was always like this on his death anniversary. The only day that I wouldn’t be ranting about how my day went, I just sat there, staring longingly at his tombstone as I tried my best to eat the food I made for the both of us.

“Joonmyun said hi.” I said as I poured hot tea on a cup and placed it next to Jongin’s plate. It hasn’t started snowing, but it was definitely turning colder by the day. I poured myself a cup of tea and reveled on the warm feeling it gave my hands as I held onto it. Time passed by slowly, but it was comfortable. I picked on the food I made once in a while, because I wasn’t really feeling hungry, I just wanted to enjoy the silence. Gradually it became dark, and the wind started to slightly pick up and get colder. I would love to stay longer, but without the help of anything hot to drink, it’s impossible. With a defeated sigh, I slowly gathered the almost untouched set of lunch boxes I brought and neatly placed them inside my bag. I cleaned Jongin’s grave, making sure not to leave any trash and stared at his tombstone again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jongin.” I said as I ran a hand over his name, just like what I always do whenever it was already time for me to go. I hooked my bag over my shoulders, stood up, as I said my goodbye for today to Jongin.

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No loud wailing from my alarm clock woke me today, only that sad feeling bubbling inside me as I slowly opened my eyes. I opted to take the day off, saying that today I had something very important to do. I turned to my side to see what time it was, and wasn’t surprised to see that it was already two in the afternoon. With a sigh, I dragged myself out of bed and took a long hot shower. I’ve been doing this every year, but it doesn’t mean it’s less sad. Of course I know I would be visiting my brother’s grave someday, but I never pictured it to be this soon. I was almost sure I would go before him, considering I was older. But fate was cruel, and here I was with a heavy heart as I prepared myself to visit his grave.

I drove slowly. I didn’t know why, but there was a sense of calmness and solemnity that engulfed my entirety. I stopped over the flower shop near the cemetery, the man at the counter greeting me with a warm smile as I entered the front door. I walked over and told him the flowers I needed. He gave me a nod as he turned to get what I wanted as I lost myself in my own thoughts, gradually remembering the other fresh bouquet that never failed to be on top of Jongin’s grave whenever I visit him. Sure it might have been a coincidence that the person bringing it, happened to visit Jongin at the same day I went there. But for all the times I went there, for years, the bouquet was always sitting there. Has someone been visiting his grave more often than my mom and I have?

“Here you go sir,” the other man at the shop said, handing me a fresh bouquet of flowers with a small smile. I looked at him as I slowly registered that he had finished arranging the flowers I needed to get and I have to pay for them. I pulled my wallet from my jacket pocket and pulled out some money handing it to him. He took it gratefully and stuffed it into the register.

“It’s funny, another man asked for the very same flowers this afternoon, though he had another kind mixed with it. And truthfully, he’s been buying this particular one everyday.” The man started as he slowly handed me my change. “Did you happen to know him?”

I looked at him puzzled as I retrieved my change. I gave him a confused no, because in all honesty, I never told anyone that my brother had died – except maybe for my childhood friend Sehun, but other than him, there’s no one. And it’s quite impossible for Jongin to tell anyone about his death because of…obvious reasons.

“Well, it must have been a coincidence then. Anyway, thank you for your purchase, we hope to see you again!” the man said again as he gave a slight bow. I nodded at him and made my way out of the shop, still thinking how the man’s words had some weird connection to the mysterious bouquet at my brother’s grave.

I hopped into my car, settling my freshly bought bouquet on the passenger seat and continued my venture to Jongin’s. I parked at the very first empty spot I could find, grabbed my bouquet and exited my car. I walked on autopilot at where Jongin was resting; my body already memorized the familiar path I’ve walked on with such a heavy heart. And  maybe because it was Jongin’s death anniversary, or because I was just feeling all the regret that I’ve tried to push away, but the walk was more painful today than it ever was. I was practically dragging my feet as I got near Jongin, my hand unconsciously clutching on the bouquet. As Jongin’s grave came into view, another figure was standing right in front of it, a bag hanging by his shoulder with his back facing me. I noticed a fresh bouquet of Jongin’s favorite flower on the grave with another kind of flower mixed with it and I stopped a few feet away from the man. Not long after, the man turned around and saw me, he stopped dead on his track, his jaw dropping and eyes widening as his mind probably registered my face. I stared back at him blankly, plainly because I wasn’t expecting anyone to be visiting Jongin today too, let alone a total stranger to me.

Not even a few minutes have passed and the other man’s bag was falling on the ground with a loud thud and his expression changed from surprised to sheer terror and confusion, his eyes having tears pooling at the rim of his eyes and his lips slightly trembling. I took a step forward, feeling something unusual bubbling inside of me at the sight of the man in front of me when his words in turn took me by surprise.

“J-Jongin?” he breathed ever so softly I might have thought I’ve imagined it.

“E-excuse me?” I managed to choke out before the other man rammed his petite body into mine and a hearty sob escaped his plump heart-shaped lips, his arms hugging me so tight as if he was afraid I was going to disappear.