When Kyungsoo’s hand attempted to break my embrace, I got scared and buried myself more onto him, tightening my hold, willing myself to melt onto his small physique. I constantly and absentmindedly mumbled his name onto his hair, my hands clawed tightly on his shirt. I didn’t want him to go; I didn’t want to let him go. I was determined to do anything just to make him stay, I wouldn’t mind being just a mere friend, as long as I get to be Kai around him and not be Jongin then I wouldn’t mind.

Because I’ve had enough of pretending, I’ve had enough of being someone I wasn’t, I’ve had enough of how the eyes of the person I love so much was seeing another person aside from me.

I turned Kyungsoo to face me, quickly cupping a hand on his cheek as the other hand laced on Kyungsoo’s hand. My thumb automatically gently rubbed Kyungsoo’s chubby cheek, and I felt a tear escape from my eyes.

“How long will it take for you to move on?” I asked as my eyes locked themselves on Kyungsoo’s. My heart clenched as his eyes brimmed with tears and finally a few trickled down his face. I needed to tell him this; I needed to ask him this. I needed to let him know that I couldn’t pretend anymore, I needed to let him know that his games were starting to pain me more than I could bear.

“How long will it take for you to accept?” I tried to keep my voice clear despite the feeling of pure brokenness. My hands were shaking, my voice was shaking. Kyungsoo’s breath hitched as he fought the urge to sob. I hated it when he cried, but this was something we both needed to move on, this was something we both needed to keep from hurting ourselves, and this was something we both needed to clear between us.

“It’s been six years Kyungsoo; you have to let Jongin go!” I screamed, and I quickly regretted it the moment it happened. Kyungsoo flinched and closed his eyes. I cupped his face with my both hands and pleaded for him to open them, and he did, and our eyes met.

“I know you’re still hurt, but you’ll never be free from it if you continue to cling onto his memories like this… I’m here Soo, I tried my best to fix you, to heal you, but you’re the only one who can complete the process.” I explained, my voice now nothing but calm and sadness. “I’ve had enough of pretending to be Jongin, I’m sorry. But you need to accept the fact that he’s already dead… he’s already gone Soo and he’s never coming back… but I’m here… I’ll always be here, but you’ll have to look at me and not at Jongin…”

I pressed my lips onto his, a gentle kiss with all the love I could muster up and make him feel, just enough to let him know I was there, just enough to let him know without pushing myself on him too much because this will be the start of something for the both us, because this is something that’s still new and delicate for the both of us.

Because Kyungsoo is my first love and Kyungsoo’s starting to finally move on.

“…because I’m not Jongin, Soo. I’m Kai, and you have to see me as I am to move on, to free yourself from all the pain.” I breathed as I broke the kiss, leaving a hair’s length between our lips and my eyes stayed locked onto Kyungsoo’s.

“I love you, Kyungsoo… please allow me to love you as Kai.”

And I didn’t know what I should do when Kyungsoo broke down into a sobbing mess after what I had said. I just ended up holding his body close to mine with a hug as we crouched down on the ground.

I’m right here, Soo.

Please…

Let me love you.

===============

I allowed Kai to make me face him, my eyes automatically finding his and quickly lost myself in it. I felt his hand on my cheek and my hand clasped against his other. I could only stare at him as I saw a tear fall, and soon enough he was crying. Kai was crying in front of me, all because I’ve hurt him too much, and I felt bad. I felt horrible of what I had done to him, of how I denied him for my own selfishness. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I think of how my actions would have affected him?

My heart ached for him.

Especially now that my feelings are all clear to me.

How long will it take for you to move on? How long will it take for you to accept?

I couldn’t help the tears that escaped me at hearing his desperate question. It made me realize how much I’ve really hurt him, how much he loved me. Despite of my frame slightly shaking from the sob that was slowly bubbling up inside me, I couldn’t find the energy to move, I couldn’t find the strength to keep my breath from hitching, I couldn’t even bring myself to blink away the tears that were blurring Kai’s image.

It’s been six years Kyungsoo; you have to let Jongin go!

There it was – the part of the reality I was forever afraid to face. The pain was still there, I didn’t know why but a part of my heart still pinched at the thought. Six years have passed; in those six years was the time I let myself drown, it was when I decided to close everything there is that wasn’t Jongin. I’ve been fooling myself for six years; I’ve been hurting myself for six years, I’ve been letting myself suffer for that long. I could only close my eyes as the pain crept back up, only to have them open again at Kai’s soft pleas, my eyes landing on his.

I know you’re still hurt.

I’ve had enough of pretending to be Jongin, I’m sorry

But I’m here… I’ll always be here

I love you, Kyungsoo… please allow me to love you as Kai

Everything Kai was saying sent arrows of every possible emotion pierce through my heart… but mostly the hurt I was starting to drown with was won over by love… by the love that Kai was trying his best to make me feel. I couldn’t help it anymore; I was overwhelmed by the rollercoaster of my own emotions that I started to sob as my knees buckled under me. Kai stayed by my side, holding me close, and I couldn’t help but remember how I first met him. It was the same – me pathetically breaking down in front of him and him quickly coming to my rescue and holding me close. And maybe that was how our connection was created; maybe that was when my whole being decided it was time to finally move on – without me knowing it. But a huge part of me was still keen on Jongin’s memories that made me start to pretend, which only ended up hurting Kai… I ended up hurting myself. Because of course there was guilt, because I vowed that I wouldn’t accept Jongin’s death. And there I was, falling for someone else… for Jongin’s brother nonetheless. And that was the reason why I couldn’t fully embrace my sudden change of heart.

But everything was now different, though I still have something that’s closely attached to Jongin, it has nothing to do with my heart… because finally, after being so cooped up in making myself miserable for six years, I’ve found a reason to finally let myself live, to let myself feel the happiness that love has to bring and to offer. It was now more of wanting closure, of wanting to be free, of officially letting Jongin go.

Because I finally found someone I can love with all my heart, someone who loves me back just as much or maybe beyond what I deserved.

Because I finally found someone after such a long time of being broken, someone was finally able to fix me; someone was finally able to pull me out of my own reveries.

And that someone was Kai.

I looked up at him; quickly wiped my tears with the back of my hand, sniffling to clear my now clogged up nose and cleared my throat. I managed a smile, a warm and real smile I’ve learned to make ever since Kai literally bumped into my life. It was something that Kai was able to make me realize I could do, and now I know that I’d be more than happy to flash him this smile no matter how much he wants me to, because the reason behind this smile was him.

I reached a hand to rest on his cheek, rubbing a thumb over his cheekbone.

“I love you.”

===============

I didn’t know how true happiness felt until I heard what Kyungsoo had said. I didn’t know that my heart could feel like it could beat its way out of my chest from pure joy until I heard Kyungsoo say those three words. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to crush him and make him melt into my body, I wanted to have him as close as possible, to have him hear how my heart was about to burst. But when he turned his back to me again, I panicked and instantly grabbed his arm, my heartbeat doubled from fear.

But it faded away when he smiled that smile again, the smile he gave me before he told me he loved me, the smile that took me almost forever to make it real, the smile that took a lot of effort to recreate, and the smile that I’ve come to love and cherish. He gently removed my grip from his arm, only to have our fingers interlaced with each other as he took something out of his pocket.

It was an envelope, turned brown through the times it survived, slightly crumpled because maybe Kyungsoo had kept it with him ever since he received it. I looked into his eyes and saw how nostalgic they had looked, how a slight longing passed through them, and how grateful they are now. Kyungsoo turned to me and smiled again.

“I was in love with Jongin.” He started, his eyes going back to the envelope still in his hand.

“I never got the chance to tell him because he died all of a sudden... I wasn’t even sure yet if love was the right word to name what I had for Jongin… and then his mother-I mean, your mother, gave me this letter the day I went to your house…” he continued and handed me the letter, his eyes never leaving the envelope. “And it only made it harder for me to let him go…”

I opened the flap of the envelope and pulled out the letter, my hand staying locked with Kyungsoo’s because I refused to let his hand go. I read the letter, feeling something pinch my heart and I looked back at Kyungsoo.

“…he was in love with me too, but he ran out of time.” Kyungsoo finished and his tears came running down again. It was all clear now, Kyungsoo was hurt because of their love that was cut so suddenly, he was filled with all the “what ifs” and possibilities to the brim, he was weighed down with all the doubts and pain of losing Jongin all of a sudden with nothing but this letter to remember him. He was hurt because they didn’t have the proper closure that his heart needed to know to stop loving Jongin, the reason to stop himself from falling in love escaped him mainly because he was just starting to do it. The feeling of love was still new and fresh that having it ripped out from his grasp just like that severed a part of his heart.

And time couldn’t fix what it broke because it was something that Kyungsoo was deprived of from the start. Kyungsoo wasn’t able to forget, because he was just beginning on his journey to love, and it only took its natural course of cultivating it, in nurturing it, and it trapped Kyungsoo around his love for Jongin. He was young, his heart was young, and that kind of loss was something much bigger for him to stomach alone. And that explained how broken he was when our paths crossed.

I instinctively reached up a hand – the one holding Kyungsoo’s – to wipe away his tears with my thumb. He sniffed and smiled at me, retrieving Jongin’s letter.

“I didn’t know it was even possible for me to move on, mainly because I was sure I already drowned from all the uncertainties and depression I’ve put myself into… but then you came and made everything better, you made me smile again, you made me laugh again, you helped me close the hole Jongin had made in my heart…” Kyungsoo said as he folded the letter neatly, stuffing it carefully into its envelope. “And most of all Kai, you loved me.”

He was looking at me in the eyes as he said that, and I felt my heart skip a beat. He lifted our intertwined hands close to his lips and kissed every knuckle on my hand. I could only gasp, mainly because all words escaped me to express the happiness and love I was currently feeling.

“And thank you for loving me, Kai. Thank you for putting up with me for so long. But I wanted you to know that you don’t need to pretend anymore.” He gave me another smile, his eyes turning into crescents.

“I love you, Kai. It took me a while to realize but it’s you, from the moment you’ve finally brought out a smile from me, when you made me laugh for real… it have always been you, I was still too messed up with Jongin that I made you feel like I’ve pushed you aside, and I’m sorry.” He looked me in the eyes, all seriousness featured in his expression. “But I realized now that it’s Kai who I am in love with now; it’s Kai who my heart now beats for… I was just scared to accept it, because I still haven’t done what I should have done before.”

Kyungsoo crouched down Jongin’s grave, running a hand over his engraved name. He grabbed the letter he was holding by his forefinger and thumb on the hand I was holding and placed it on Jongin’s tombstone with a sad smile.

“Hi there Jongin… I’m sorry it took a while for me to answer, but yes, I loved you too.” He said as he silently continued to caress Jongin’s engraved name, I tightened my hold on his hand. He needed to do this, it was necessary for him to free himself.

“I’m sorry Jongin… I know I promised but I met your brother, Kai… he’s everything and nothing like you at the same time and that made me fall for him… you’ll let me, right?” Kyungsoo smiled at that, and I could feel a slight breeze dance around us. He picked a pebble from the ground, placed the letter on the tombstone and weighed it down with the pebble, and he placed his hand over Jongin’s name just as the first snowflake of the year started to fall, and it had started to snow.

“Thank you for loving me when you had the time Jongin… and I’ll forever be happy that I had the chance to fall for you too. But this will be a goodbye, for real this time. But I’ll be keeping my promise; I won’t forget you, Jongin.” Kyungsoo stood up. “You’ve been too important in my life to be forgotten, but I’ll be entrusting my heart to your brother, it seemed like he’s already have a tight and gentle grip on it.” He chuckled and closed his eyes, squeezing my hand lightly and smiled.

“Thank you, Jongin, for everything.” Kyungsoo then opened his eyes and looked at me. He pointed his index finger and placed it where my heart was.

“And you Kai, I better be the only one in there.”

I nodded, a eating grin slicing through my face.

“If you leave me, I’ll have Jongin haunt you for the rest of your life.” He joked, and I never knew I could love this person more than I already did. This playful side of him is something I definitely won’t get tired to put up with.

“I love you, Kai.”