My heart must have stopped, or the world must have ceased to turn, or my sanity has finally left me. Whatever the reason was, all I could feel was a mixture of pure surprise, horror, puzzlement, and relief. Standing in front of me, holding a bouquet of his favorite flower, his now brown hair moving slightly with the wind, his face sporting nothing but blankness, his brown eyes that I have grown to love so much in such a short time were staring at me. And out of pure instinct, or that invisible tug on my body, I unconsciously ran towards him, my arms automatically engulfing him into a tight hug in case he disappeared.

“Oh my god Jongin, I missed you!” was all I could say as a long overdue sob escaped me. It was the first thing I could think of to say, because it was all I was feeling and was trying to suppress after all the years he was gone. And even if this Jongin was just another figment of my imagination, I wanted to let him know that I truly missed him, that my feelings had never changed and probably never will… that I love him.

I let everything fall into place naturally. I reveled on the way how this Jongin felt warm, how I could hear his slightly erratic heartbeat thump through his chest where my ear was pressed on, how I could feel the slight up and down movements of his chest as he breathed. This Jongin felt so real I was afraid that I had finally lost my sanity, that I’ve completely gone insane. I waited for the moment that I would feel my own arms hugging nothing but cold air, where my mind would finally snap itself back into reality, or where a complete stranger would push me off saying he wasn’t Jongin. But it never came.

And I was scared.

Scared that at any moment, I would realize that I had just imagined things; that Jongin was never going to be real enough to be hugged like I was doing now, that it would all just be down to Jongin’s death, that he would never come back no matter how much I longed for him.

And I was afraid of the truth that I’ve been struggling to keep away from, the reality that I’ve been dreading to accept. Because how do you freely embrace the fact that the person you fell in love with has left you forever when you were just about to accept your feelings? When you were just in the beginning of feeling the joy of having someone to love and possibly be the one you wanted to spend your forever with.

How do you cope with that? I never had the chance to know the answer to it.

My broken sobs had reduced to frantic hiccups and slight panting, and I was surprised that the being I had decided to hug a while ago was still trapped in my arms. I slowly lifted my head; collecting every ounce of courage I had left to see the face of the person in my embrace. My hands had started to slightly tremble, because I was half expecting to see someone with an unfamiliar face looking horrified at me as if I was crazy, and hoping with all my heart that Jongin would be looking at me with a smile gracing his features. And when I saw Jongin’s ever so familiar face facing mine, I couldn’t help the slight tears that had started to roll down my cheeks again.

“Jongin?” I lifted my hand unconsciously to touch his face, stopping a few inches away from his forehead, slightly scared that a touch would be the trigger my mind needed to stop all the illusion it had created. I placed the tip of my forefinger on the space between his eyebrows, my breath held as I waited for him to disappear, but he never did. I slowly traced a soft pattern from where I had touched him all the way down his chin, with such trembling hands because he felt so warm. He felt alive. And I honestly didn’t know if I should be happy or not.

What puzzled me is why hadn’t he stopped me? He could have pushed me away when I lunged myself on him. He could have yelled at me for acting so crazy. But he stayed there, silently letting me collect myself together. And I was so sure I caught a glimpse of worry grace his face when my tears started to fall when I saw him earlier.

It was confusing.

It was painful.

Because he was acting like the Jongin I knew.

And I was beginning to convince myself that he was real.

My finger had stopped its venture at the corner of Jongin’s lips, my hand spreading and finally opting to rest and cup the side of his face.

“Is it really you?”

===============

I didn’t know what possessed me to actually let the small male pour his sadness onto the front of my shirt, or to let him trace my face with his finger, but the strength and drive to push him away never came. If anything, I felt calm. As to why, I didn’t know. Maybe it was because he had called me Jongin? Or maybe because of how broken he had looked when his eyes landed on mine? Or how his actions screamed how desperately lost he was when he hugged me like his life depended on it? Whatever the reason was, I felt something in me break in sympathy when his cold hand cupped my face as another set of fresh tears started falling from his eyes as he questioned my existence.

I didn’t know what to answer, or how to respond. Of course I was real; he was practically holding me right now. But something about the way his expression was contorted into a painful confusion told me the real message behind his simple question. I remembered how my face must have looked to other people who knew Jongin and I. I remembered how the smaller male breathed Jongin’s name almost instantly at the sight of me. And my heart clenched ever so slightly, because of the way the other male’s eyes were practically begging for me to say ‘yes, it’s me’ but I couldn’t. Finding the strength I needed to actually move, I lifted my hands to gently place them on the other male’s shoulders, the plastic of the bouquet crackling at my movements. I lightly pushed him away, just enough for his other hand that was still desperately clutching the back of my clothes loose up. I looked straight into his eyes, assuring him in a way I didn’t understand how and smiled.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, afraid that he’d be having another breakdown at what I was supposed to say. I didn’t know why or how he had mistaken me for Jongin, but it was enough to let me know that he’s known my brother before. What he was to Jongin would be another puzzle to solve for me later on, but the way he had acted just now told me how intense his feelings for my brother were.

“But I’m not Jongin…” I continued as I tried to read his reaction. His eyes continued to gaze at me, and seeing as how half of the life in them had disappeared, I prepared myself to catch him if he falls, and he did moments later. His knees buckling on each other as he slowly dropped to the ground, his hands lifelessly detaching their tight grip on me. I dropped the bouquet as I caught him just in time before his knees fell painfully on the hard ground and I gently settled him down, with me opting to crouch in front of him.

“Are you okay?” I inquired, scared at how lifeless he was staring at the ground. He lifted his face to look up at me, and it made me feel insecure at how pained his expression looked at the sight of me. Was it because I looked like Jongin?

“Y-you look just like him… I thought you…” he breathed as he struggled to regulate his breathing, fighting the tears that were again threatening to escape from his eyes. “I-I’m sorry…” he continued, clearly succumbing into the feeling of sheer sadness as silent sobs escaped his mouth. The urge to comfort him and somehow assure him that it was okay was back, and I was reaching out for him to hug him before I realized what I was doing, when his next words stopped me.

“I thought you were Jongin… I’m sorry.”

===============

I stared longingly at the person in front of me, completely broken because yet again, the painful reality has found itself to slap me hard on the face. I apologized to the other man, finding how painful it was to look at such a familiar face I longed too much but turning out to be someone else. I wished for my brain to stop the illusion it was currently making, because the more I stare at Jongin’s face, the harder it was for me to breathe. But the man with Jongin’s face stayed there, his hand frozen a few inches away from my shoulder.

“I’m not Jongin…” he started softly as he pulled his hand back, looking down at the ground in defeat. I almost missed the hurt expression that flashed briefly across his face before he looked back up at me.

“My name is Kai… and I’m Jongin’s older brother.”  He said with a smile, and all I could do was to stare at him blankly, because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. The sudden feeling of happiness and the heaviness of sadness crashing down on me had taken its toll. My heart clenched at the feeling of longing and breaking. And the familiar brown eyes staring at me did nothing to ease the pain I was feeling.

“What’s your name?” Kai asked; worry lacing his now unfamiliar voice.

“K-kyungsoo.” I breathed, all kinds of strength leaving me.

“Are you okay? Let me take you home.” Kai offered as he gently grabbed me on both arms and helped me stand up. Feeling completely numb at the moment and not finding the reason to care about anything, I let him. He grabbed his bouquet of flowers and my neglected bag before leading me to where his car probably was, because whoever else was there to walk all the way here except for me? Kai helped me board on the passenger seat, opting to secure the seatbelt onto me before he made his way to the driver’s side, placing the bouquet and my bag at the back seat.

I closed my eyes, letting the weight of everything engulf my now exhausted mind. Maybe when I wake up, I would get to see how Kai really looked like, because right now his Jongin face isn’t going to help me calm down. I heard the hum of the car starting, heard Kai’s voice asking where I lived, but my voice must have died on me because I couldn’t even give anything decent to reply with. Surprisingly, Kai left the matter alone and started to drive as he told me that he’d just drive me to his place. I replied with a weak nod, allowing the soft sway from the car’s movement lull me to sleep.

Hey Jongin…