I didn’t know what it was that drove me to do it, or what gave me the idea of it, but I found myself hanging around Kyungsoo more. Maybe it was because of my curiosity on what part he had in Jongin’s life or maybe my want to get to know him more. Because the way my brother had talked about him over the phone for every single time I called, it would always end up with Jongin talking about how his day with Kyungsoo went. How Kyungsoo cooked some kimchi spaghetti for him, or how they visited the dog shelter to play with the pups and dogs, and how they were planning on having their sleepover the day after tomorrow. It was amazing how animated and elated Jongin sounded over the phone as he talked about Kyungsoo, I could practically hear him smirking and grinning.

And as I spent more time with Kyungsoo, eating lunch or having coffee together every other day, I was starting to understand what it was that Jongin saw at his petit male friend. How Kyungsoo’s eyes are forever looking like they’re always surprised and confused. How his lips would form a heart when he smiles – no matter how small the smile is. How his eyes would turn into crescent moons and how his cheekbones would rise when he laughs. How he loves to cook and loves to clean. How deep his voice is when he talks and how it reaches an octave higher when he sings. How hard he could hit someone with his hand, and how he could easily be offended. How adorable he really is despite being both a lady and man killer. It wasn’t a surprise to know how fast he could charm and win over people, how people easily warm up to him and how fast they like him.

Kyungsoo was a warm person.

The kind of warm Jongin would have loved to be around with for the rest of his life.

The kind of warm I was hoping to find someday.

And I found myself liking Kyungsoo, despite having a slight clue that he still had feelings for my brother. Because it wasn’t hard to miss how his eyes would sparkle when he talks about Jongin, and how broken they would look right after. How much longing lingers in his voice when he mentions Jongin’s name, and how his lips would form such a small smile after the name had rolled out of his tongue. How he would talk about Jongin as if the man could hear him. It was such a nice sight to come across, seeing someone in love with someone so close to your heart that’s already gone. It just made my heart swell with admiration of how Kyungsoo loved Jongin, I was almost envious of him.

What had me smiling at the end of the day was how much Kyungsoo had finally opened up to me. Though I am still cautious of letting our skins touch, afraid of him freaking out, I was happy at the amount of small smiles and small talks about Jongin he had done for the past few months. Though my first ten invitations of having a cup of coffee with him were turned down, he finally agreed at my eleventh try. It was an amazing feeling. Because Kyungsoo was practically making Jongin live again through his stories I was slowly getting to know how Jongin was when I was busy studying abroad.

Jongin was lucky to have met Kyungsoo.

And it was as plain as day that Kyungsoo was more than grateful to have fallen in love with my brother.

And I found myself feeling envious of Jongin.

Because Kyungsoo fell in love with Jongin after meeting him for such a short time, and still managed to stay in love despite how much time had passed since he died.

And I wanted to be Jongin.

Because Kyungsoo was in love with him.

===============

Though Jongin had the same face as Kai, it was now clear to me that there was nothing else that they had in common. Because when Jongin loved sweets, Kai loved to eat anything spicy. When Jongin lived to be able to dance, Kai was born to paint and draw people as who they are. When Jongin would kill to have a pet dog, Kai was too irresponsible to even think about having one. When Jongin would be able to sleep through the end of the world, Kai would wake up at the very slight foreign movement.

And where I was in love with Jongin, I only liked Kai.

But the familiar eye smile and plump and slightly chapped lips may change that. The adorable pouting and whining to have me cook something for him could change that. The longing of how it would feel to have his hand on mine may be able to change that. The way he move his bangs away from his eyes by flipping it to the side might change that. The sound of his laugh just might change that.

And as I spend my time with Kai, it wasn’t as hard to look at him like before; I’ve rather enjoyed losing myself at staring at him. Maybe because I liked the idea that I was spending my time with Jongin… that somehow Jongin had come back to life to make me feel better. That he didn’t actually die. As Kai’s eyes form two crescent moons at me as he smiled warmly, I could feel my stomach do flips, and my heart beats a tad faster than normal. Though the feeling is completely foreign, because I wasn’t able to feel those much before with Jongin, it wasn’t unwelcomed.

Kai was looking at me, a smirk forming at the corner of his lips. And as if my mind had registered the gesture before, I was already forming the sentences he was about to blurt out.

Hey, Soo...

“Hey, Soo…”

Would you like to eat some ice cream?

“Would you like to eat some ice cream?” And I found myself smiling, because despite Kai and Jongin’s differences, simple things like these are what remind me of Jongin. At times like these, when Kai is drawing his cute side to persuade me is what makes me think twice if he’s really Kai or Jongin. And maybe that’s the reason why I agreed to hang out with him all the time… eat lunch together… to have some coffee together… because I was enjoying his company that I’ve fabricated to be Jongin’s company, because I’ve wanted to see Jongin again so much that I’ve unconsciously pretended that Kai was Jongin… that Kai is Jongin.

And it was unfair.

Because Kai is definitely not Jongin.

But I was too happy in my own pretending to actually care for now. Because somewhere deep in my heart, I know I’ve always longed to have my love story with Jongin to be written, to feel how it would be when the one you love loves you back, to have both of your worlds revolve as one, to have smiles that’s only allowed to be seen by the other. And it definitely feels good when Kai flashes that gummy smile, when he would bump his shoulder on mine playfully to have my attention, when he would be looking straight into my eyes as he listens to my rants and stories of my past. Through these, I’ve imagined Jongin doing the exact same thing Kai was doing, and it gave my heart reasons to skip a beat and butterflies to invade my stomach.

Maybe where truth hurts, the lies felt good, almost satisfying.

After hiding Kai in the shadow of Jongin, I’ve found myself smiling for real after such a long time. For the first time after Jongin had died, my heart wasn’t clenching in pain but in happiness. My tears would fall not because of grief but from laughing at some random joke. I would be zoning out not because of being broken but at reveling at someone’s deep, melodious voice.

And I know it’s wrong in every way possible.

But I hope Kai would let me drown in this lie for just a bit more. Just long enough for me to be able to forget about the pain. Just long enough that when I turn my back on this little game of pretend, I’d be able to leave behind the loneliness I was drowning at. Just long enough for me to be able to read his letter without the tears clouding my vision. Just long enough for me to say Jongin’s name without my heart clenching in pain.

Just long enough for me to finally love Jongin without the pain of remembering his death.

Kai…

Please be Jongin for a little longer…

===============

Hurt

It was what I was feeling as Kyungsoo’s eyes would sparkle when he sees me, how his lips would form a heart when he would smile at me, whenever his tongue would slip and end up calling my brother as he looked straight at me and apologize right after.

Because when I was enjoying Kyungsoo’s company, he was enjoying my brother’s company.

He was seeing Jongin instead of me.

And it hurt.

Because I wasn’t Jongin.

But I couldn’t find it in me to get angry at Kyungsoo… because it took me a while to be able to see a real smile slice through his normally sad and depressed face. It took a while before I was able to see sparks in his eyes full of life when he laughs. It took a while to hear his voice without any trace of despair and longing tone in it.

And it took a while for Kyungsoo to finally be able to look at me straight in the eyes without the look of being broken and lost.

And I didn’t want to take that away from him. Because I bet after such a long time, this was the only time he was finally getting the broken pieces of his heart slowly patched together. At his every look at me pretending to see Jongin, his lips were forming their first smile from real feelings of happiness, his laugh was sounding more heartwarming than heart wrenchingly deceptive.

And I’d be more than happy to pretend with him.

Because somewhere deep inside, I’ve always wanted to fix Kyungsoo. I wanted him to surface from his suffocating depression. And though it definitely hurt, I was happy to see him slowly get himself back.

And I’ll be Jongin for him until he gets his real self back.

I could only hope that day comes sooner, because the more I pretend to be Jongin to make his smiles real again, I was beginning to feel myself break. As Kyungsoo gave me a smile that’s almost reached his eyes, I would feel my heart skip a beat in both happiness and sadness. As Kyungsoo’s laughs would bounce off the walls of the room, my lips would automatically form a smile in both fulfillment and from being broken. There was a warm feeling engulfing my heart whenever Kyungsoo would look at me, and I would feel something breaking knowing he wasn’t seeing me but someone else.

Because as I try my best to fix Kyungsoo’s broken heart, I was starting to break my own.

Because when Kyungsoo was falling more in love with Jongin, I was in turn falling for Kyungsoo.

And he wouldn’t be able to know… he won’t be able to notice… because his eyes were only seeing Jongin.

Kyungsoo…