Years have passed since Jongin left, as to how many exactly, I’ve already lost count… not that I was intending to keep track of it anyway. I visit his grave regularly after work, talking to him about how my day went and asking how he was doing, anywhere he was. A small part of me wanted him to somehow make me feel that he was listening, a kind of assurance that he’s watching over me, but it never came. I didn’t know why I was waiting for that, we were never together to begin with, right?

I started my walk to the cemetery where Jongin’s remains were. Silently, I look at everyone I pass by, hoping to see that familiar face I longed to see, but of course, it never appeared. I just wanted to see him again, even if it’s just in my dreams so that I won’t be able to forget what he looked like, because the sad part is that I didn’t have a single picture of him. And as time continues to pass, I was gradually forgetting his face.

Maybe it was my undying desire to see him again, or my eyes are just playing tricks on me, but I saw him. Jongin. He had grown taller, his muscles a bit noticeable, his hair now dyed brown, almost the same shade as his gentle eyes I loved to gaze at. He was holding his phone to his ear, his forehead creased slightly into a frown, and all I could do was stop dead on my tracks, staring at the being walking my way. Jongin… this Jongin looked so real, not one of those figments of imagination I was hoping to at least see. No, this one looked like a breathing human being who looked like Jongin, and I fought the urge to run towards him and hug him. I stayed rooted to my place as this Jongin passed by me, our shoulders brushing ever so lightly I might have missed it if I wasn’t paying so much attention to him. My eyes silently followed him, accepting the fact that yes, I just imagined Jongin through someone innocent on the street, because when I turned to follow where this Jongin was headed with my eyes, his back was screaming ‘stranger’. I sighed and continued my walk, smiling to myself because finally… I was able to remember his face!

I placed a bouquet of flowers on Jongin’s grave as I greeted him with a smile. I started off on how my day went, making sure to go into details, laughing at a few silly things along my story.

“I saw you today Jongin.” I breathed as I remembered how my mind played its tricks on me at the sidewalk on my way here. “You would have looked handsome in working clothes, and brown hair.” I joked and chuckled at myself. “It’s nice to know that I haven’t forgotten your face yet.” I smiled and ran a hand over his name engraved on his tomb.

Where are you now Jongin?

Saying goodbye and leaving a promise to be back again tomorrow, I stood up, my heels and left.

Are you watching over me Jongin?

Hey, Jongin…

I miss you.

===============

All the stress from work was starting to wear me down, and I would have just slept off the next three hundred years if it wasn’t for my design deadline tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve finished that design a week ago, it’s the actual presentation I was dreading about. I wasn’t one to be good at sales talk, that was Jongin’s specialty, and our almost identical faces could have helped me at times like these. He could pretend he was me in front of the panel and knock them dead with his words, just like how we pranked our parents when we were still small. I chuckled at the memory. People never fail to notice how much Jongin and I looked alike, some even thought we were twins, and we would just beam at them and enjoy their confusion when we start our playful antics.

I sighed and made an illegal u-turn to head my way to where Jongin always is. I contemplated on buying him flowers, but already decided against it when I remembered that the last time I went there, a fresh bouquet was already sitting nicely on his tomb. But just to be sure, I made a quick stop at a flower shop and bought a small bouquet of Jongin’s favorite flower.

I parked my car, grabbed the bouquet from the passenger seat and got out to start walking to Jongin’s place. I never understood how my little brother died before me. He seemed healthy as a horse when I left to study abroad, then all of a sudden a call was made by our mom saying he had died. I could still remember how frantic I was feeling when I arrived home, hoping for anyone to say that it was all a joke, or that Jongin would jump out at me from a corner shouting ‘we got you!’ but it never came. It was my mom that latched herself on me, crying, begging me to tell her that this was just a nightmare, that her baby was still alive. And I was just left there to hug my mom back as I tried to calm her down despite my own breaking down, sobbing my way into accepting that my brother has left just like that. What hurt was that I wasn’t there before he died, and I somehow regretted why I decided to study abroad. Maybe I was beside him when he passed, and maybe… just maybe it would have hurt less.

I slowed my pace as I neared Jongin’s place, and somehow wasn’t surprised to see a fresh bouquet of Jongin’s favorite flowers sitting on top of his tomb. Smiling at how kind Jongin’s friends must have been, I placed my own bouquet next to the other and sat down on the soft grass.

“Hey Jongin, how are you?” I started casually; just like how I would normally greet him before, waiting for a beat as if he would magically reply to me. I vented how nervous I was about the next day’s presentation, jokingly asking if he could be so nice as to possess me for a while and do the talking tomorrow. Time always passed by quickly whenever I stopped by Jongin to talk to him. Just like how he would run to me in times of worry, he was also my pillar of support at times of me doubting myself. He would just flick my forehead hard with a half-assed nagging of a lifetime that never failed to cheer me up. And maybe it was because somewhere at the back of my mind, I was still waiting for that familiar flick on the forehead to get myself together, to hear that voice talk about how I was worrying about things I shouldn’t worry about.

Hey Jongin, why did you leave us all of a sudden?

Or maybe, I was just reveling on the feeling of my pain lessening whenever I talk to him, as though he never left, as though he’s still sitting here beside me listening intently. No matter how much I laughed and smiled around my mom and friends, I never got over the pain of him dying so suddenly. And it never helped that I wasn’t around him before it happened… I never got to see him for two years because I decided to study college abroad, and it hurt like hell to come back home only to carry your little brother’s coffin to its resting place.

Hey Jongin…

“See you when I see you, bro!” I said as I stood up to walk my way back to my car and drive my way home.