Before I could even stop myself, the question that had been bothering me ever since I realized Kai wasn’t Jongin just slipped out of my mouth. I could have gasped in surprise because I wasn’t planning on saying that out loud. But seeing as I can’t actually take the question back, nor pretend that I didn’t say anything, I tried my best to look at him as I waited for his answer. But how do you exactly answer such a question? It’s not like Kai had anything to say on how his younger brother should have looked before he was born. How was he to know that Jongin would end up looking like an exact replica of him? Realizing how stupid my question must have sounded to him, I gratefully and embarrassingly looked back down on my hands, clenching them on top of my lap.

“I’m sorry… I don’t know,” he said softly, and I could only close my eyes and heave out a sigh. I lightly shook my head because why was he apologizing? Of course he didn’t know. We both know how ridiculous that question already was, it wasn’t even worth thinking about. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and it definitely wasn’t Kai’s fault. I lifted my head up, trying to locate anything to tell me what time it was. Finding a clock hanging by the wall saying it’s already way past ten in the evening.

“I… I should go…” I said, making a move to stand and walk my way to the front door. Somewhere between my slowed movements, Kai had caught up with me and grabbed me by the elbow. And as if my body had taken a brain of its own, I flinched, making a few steps away from him.

“I-I’m sorry…” he said, quickly retreated his hand and hiding it behind his back. “I-I… you should stay for the night… it’s late and-”

“I-I’ll be fine-”

“I insist!” Kai said and that left me staring at him wide-eyed, partly because I was surprised, and partly because for the nth time today, I saw a glimpse of Jongin. I stayed rooted on my spot, managing to whisper an okay as I walked my way back to the couch and grabbed our plates.

“W-where’s your kitchen?” I asked without turning to face him. And as he made a sound that hinted he wanted to clean up himself, I quickly made my way to where he emerged a while ago with our dinner.

I found myself in the kitchen and made my way to the sink, silently washing everything Kai used to make our dinner – which wasn’t that much, just a few pots and our plates. I calmed myself down as I washed, losing myself through my own thoughts at the sound of the water running and the clanking of plate against plate. Finishing my task, I wiped my hands on my pants and made my way back to the living room, finding Kai standing awkwardly by the couch. I looked at him, and felt that familiar pinch on my chest as my brain gradually took in Kai’s face, and I was reminded of Jongin. If it’s already this painful to have a glimpse of him, I’m afraid of how I would feel as my stay here goes on. How would I feel knowing Kai would be in the same roof as me, that he’ll be sleeping in one of the rooms a few feet away? How would I react in the morning when I saw Kai rubbing sleep off of his eyes and padding his way to the kitchen like Jongin? All the familiarity of how Jongin and I were when he was still alive and I was enjoying our friendship was still a scary thought to relive at the moment.

“Kai…” I said, looking at him.

“Y-yeah?”

“I want to go home…”

===============

Confusion

It was the only thing that was keeping my brain to function. Confusion because of the way Kyungsoo had reacted when I grabbed his elbow, like he was scared of the way our skin had touched, and the light spark that I had felt at that very contact. When he surprisingly agreed to stay here for the night, when I thought that he’d turn my offer down flat, opting to go back to his place. And when he practically ignored me to go and wash the dirty dishes when I was just about to refuse the help since I was the one who brought him here and the least I could do was be hospitable. Kyungsoo was avoiding me, and he wasn’t being nice in letting me know. And when he said that he wanted to go home with such sad and pleading eyes, it just confirmed my hunch of him hating me. It must have been the way he’s being always reminded of Jongin whenever he sees me. How the sad memories come flashing back to him when he’s trying to forget. How all the pain of losing Jongin comes crashing down on him again when he’s finally made some progress – no matter how uncertain it is – in moving on.

And I couldn’t blame him for feeling the way he was feeling, because I was Jongin’s brother, and I’m pretty sure I’m feeling his pain too, only in double. Because when Kyungsoo’s seeing Jongin when he’s looking at me, I’ve always been reminded by myself how I painfully resembled Jongin through my reflection. And when Kyungsoo’s trying his best to forget the sad memories, I was hoping and praying that I’d be lucky enough to relive the beautiful and simple memories I had with my little brother. When Kyungsoo’s making some progress in letting Jongin go, I’ve never found the courage to do the same. Because unlike Kyungsoo, I wasn’t anywhere near my brother before he had passed. Unlike Kyungsoo, I wasn’t around Jongin for his birthday for two years. Unlike Kyungsoo, I wasn’t able to tell and make Jongin feel how important he was to me, and how much I love him as my brother. And unlike Kyungsoo, I missed half of my brother’s life, and when I returned he was already gone. And it hurt, not only because he had left just like that, but because of the guilt that’s been eating me from the inside.

Because Kyungsoo was lucky enough to be with Jongin and I wasn’t.

Because Kyungsoo must have given Jongin birthday presents when I could only give a greeting through phone calls. Because Kyungsoo must have said his thanks and made Jongin feel appreciated when I was too busy doing homeworks and projects to remember to do so. Because Kyungsoo was able to be a part of Jongin’s life before he left when I couldn’t. And because Kyungsoo must have made Jongin feel loved when I somehow took him for granted, thinking I had all the time in the world with him to do those things later. Then maybe Jongin’s death would feel less painful for Kyungsoo because he was with him and didn’t miss anything, or maybe it hurt just as much because he had a lot of memories he’ll be missing. If it’s the latter, then he’s just as broken as I am. And maybe I hate myself as much as he hates me. And maybe I’d be flinching away from my own touch too, maybe I’d be scared enough not to look at my reflection, maybe I’d be trying my best to ignore my own voice.

And with that I somehow envy Kyungsoo. He could just choose to ignore me and lessen his pain, because it’s not like I can run away from myself to help me forget. If only Kyungsoo knew how much I was willing to give up to bring back the days, or to switch places with him then.

“I’ll drive you there, it’s already late.” I said sadly as I retrieved my car keys from the table. I heard his usual faint thank you and I made my way out of the house, Kyungsoo trailing behind me. I locked the door and went straight to the driver’s side of the car, Kyungsoo climbing up the passenger seat. I pulled out of the garage and started my way to Kyungsoo’s place. I asked him where he lived and he told me his address. Our drive continued on silently, with nothing but the sound of the other cars on the highway and their occasional honking. I tried to think of a topic to break the deafening silence, anything we could talk about.

“Hey Kyungsoo… how long have you known my brother?”

===============

I sat quietly at the passenger seat, my head leaning on the window as I watched the scenery pass by. I was savoring the silence, enjoying how the calm had entered my system when Kai’s sudden question sliced through it all. I closed my eyes as the unwelcomed pain came. Reality was back, able to catch up and realization hits – all because of that one question – with the answer being the core of why and how I was broken.

“Just for a while…” I managed to reply without my voice cracking.

“Why?”

I looked at him, searching for any sign that he’d be taking back the question. But seeing as how he’s looking straight forward, the question still stands and is waiting for an answer.

“He died.” I said with finality and as much lifeless as my voice could manage. When people said the truth hurts, they weren’t kidding. Because it was the truth I was running away from to avoid feeling what I was feeling now. Because that truth was one with reality, and that was what I was always refusing to accept. Because it was such a short time, I was having problems believing it even happened. Maybe it was a dream and I woke up. But Jongin’s letter stayed there at my bedside table’s drawer, the only reminder I had that Jongin was real… that everything was real… that all my feelings for him are real.

Because in that span of a short time I was able to know who Jongin was. How he loved to eat chicken and how he’d have come to love my kimchi spaghetti. How he was such a heavy sleeper, and liked to sleep without a shirt on. How much of a cheesy person he was despite him being a lady killer. How much he loved dogs. And how much he respected and idolized and loved his one and only brother, and heard him say how he used his face as inspiration to strive in life – because it looked exactly like his brother’s. And with that I envy Kai, because of how much Jongin loved him despite him being away almost forever to study abroad. How much Jongin missed him despite the everyday phone call he received from his brother. How Jongin’s face would break out into such a beautiful smile when his brother called him on his birthday. Because of how often Jongin would talk of how great of a person his brother is.

And at some point, I found myself jealous of Kai because of how much Jongin loved him, how much Jongin would always talk about him, because of how Jongin’s world would revolve around him.

I wished that I was Kai.

I was in love.

Because I wanted Jongin to love me as much as he loved his brother – or even more. I wanted Jongin to notice me enough to talk about me just as much. I wanted to be attractive enough for Jongin to have his whole world revolve around me too.

I felt the car stop and I opened my eyes to look where we were, only to see us parked in front of my house. I sat up, and unfastened the seatbelt. I turned my body halfway to look at Kai – with me avoiding looking at his eyes – and said sincere thanks before I opened the door and hopped off the car, closing the door behind me.

I was about to insert the keys into the knob when I heard Kai’s voice calling behind me.

“Kyungsoo!”

I looked over my shoulder and saw half of his upper body out the driver’s window; his arms outstretched waving at me.

“Can I come visit you sometime?”

I gave a shrug, because I didn’t know if I wanted to see him again, if I wanted to be reminded of Jongin so much again. I gave him a slight wave before I turned the key on the knob to unlock my front door, entered and closed the door behind me.

Hey Jongin

I still love you…