Chapter VII
All My Feelings For You|| 18th April 2003 ||
Ten year old Kim Taeyeon stood on the hospital rooftop, looking down at the miniature buildings that spread out like assorted food items on a picnic mat below her. They seem so small and insignificant from up high, but when one stands right next to a building, it becomes a hundred times bigger. As such were her problems. She shut them out, throwing them deep into the abyss that she once called a heart. If she even attempted to look at them, she was afraid that she would crumble into little pieces. The feelings were too big to be able to fit into her little heart. Her body was too fragile to be able to withstand the pressure that seemed to smother her humanity out. All she wanted to do was scream, cry and curse at the unfairness of life.
It had been a day since the event.
Since the day Taeyeon lost everything.
Taeyeon glanced down at the buildings again. Inhaling, she decided to face the buildings. She walked towards the ledge.
"YAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
A voice called out from behind her.
Two tiny hands locked around her waist.
"DONT YOU DARE JUMP, I'M WARNING YOU. IF I FALL WITH YOU GOD WILL PUNISH YOU FOR MURDER."
Taeyeon turned around, breaking the stubborn grip on her waist. A girl, around her age and slightly taller looked at her while pouting. An eyepatch covered one of her eyes, and bandages were wrapped around her forehead. The girl held out her hand, signalling for Taeyeon to take it. Taeyeon's eyes widened as she saw the taller girl's arm. Blue-black patches that dappled her arms were complemented with cuts and scratches.
In shock, Taeyeon took her hand and stepped away from the ledge.
Once she had done that, the taller girl threw her arms around her.
"Don't jump okay? Everything's gonna be alright. I just know it." Releasing Taeyeon from the choke inducing hug, the girl stepped back and grinned, showing pearly white teeth that had random gaps in between.
"My name is Princess Jung! Nice to meet you." The princess bowed then curtseyed.
"I…I….m Taeyeon, Kim Taeyeon." Taeyeon forced a smile, but her tears betrayed her as they flowed freely down her cheeks.
The princess stepped forward again, wiping the tears away with her thumbs.
"It's going to be okay, trust me. I mean, look at me! I look like a mummy. But I know I'll be fine. Yup!"
Princess Jung fiddled with her clothing, obviously dissatisfied.
"These would be much nicer if they were pink." She pouted, tugging on the blue hospital clothes.
Taeyeon just gaped at the girl.
"What's wrong with you, dummy! I'm not going to bite if you talk, you know?"
Taeyeon nodded, dumbfounded. How could a girl in so much pain seem so happy? The princess kept smiling and bouncing around.
Princess Jung twirled around like a ballerina, but she fell in mid twirl, and landed with a soft thump. Obviously embarrassed, she smiled, scratched her head, then rubbed her legs.
A little worried, Taeyeon approached her.
"Does it hurt?"
"It'll go away soon." Princess Jung grinned and tried to stand, but winced and fell back onto the floor as the pain overwhelmed her.
Taeyeon rolled up Princess Jung's long pants. The state of her legs were worse than that of her arms. Almost her entire lower leg was covered in angry purple or blueblack patches.
Lowering her head, Taeyeon placed a kiss on the most angry looking purple blotch.
"Now that you're filled with love, nothing will hurt anymore."
Looking deep into Taeyeon's eyes, the princess enunciated every syllable clearly.
"Thank you……. SHORTY!" Her serious look vanished as she doubled over in laughter.
"YAH!!!"
|| Present Day, 11.00am J's bed ||
Uuuuuuu…….
The air conditioner groaned in the background, having been working for the entire night.
Since when was the bolster barrier so warm and soft…. Not wanting to wake up, Taeyeon lulled herself back into her dreamland. The blanket around her waist was exceptionally warm. Snugging closer, she froze when something poked her face. As her body tensed, she realised what she had thought was the blanket, was not a blanket and what she had thought was a bolster, wasn't a bolster either. Pausing, she felt the the rhythmic palpitations of a heartbeat. She froze.
Taeyeon was conflicted between springing up and laying there. The soft sounds of J's steady breathing served to calm her racing heart. Even then, her heart didn't show any sign of returning to normal. J was sleeping next to her, mere centimetres away. Thinking it would be a dream if she didn't stir, Taeyeon squeezed her eyelids shut.
The body next to her shifted.
Oh my god. Taeyeon laid as still as possible and pretended to be asleep.
The grip around her waist tightened a little and she was pulled closer, effectively closing the minute gap that was between them before. Relax Taeyeon… Relax….. You don't want her waking up now….
Taeyeon's heart just kept beating faster and faster. The more she thought about it, the more it seemed to want to explode. It seemed to beat louder and louder as the infinite seconds ticked by. The fact that she could feel J's chest rise and fall as she breathed didn't help either.
One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep. Taeyeon counted repetitively in her mind.
J's breathing suddenly quickened. Sneaking a peek, Taeyeon half opened her eyes.
"I SWEAR I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING." Taeyeon put her hands up as if to surrender. Her face was completely flushed and she could still feel her heart pounding incessantly inside her chest.
J jumped backwards, as if she was struck by something.
"You…." J didn't finish her sentence. She blinked and looked around. She was on Taeyeon's side of the bed.
J adjusted the brown paper bag on her head, pulled it down harshly and ran off into the toilet.
Taeyeon sat on the soft bed, dazed by the situation. Basically, she slept over in a two-day-friend's house, shared the same bed, and ended up hugging that someone to sleep. The entire situation was too bizarre to be real.
J emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later and proceeded to her table, frantically searching for something.
She held up an eraser. "Erase what happened from your mind."
Taeyeon didn't know whether to laugh or cry at J's sense of humour. She sat on the bed gaping at the absurdity of J's words.
|| 11.09am J's bathroom ||
Up down up down. Taeyeon brushed her teeth as she leaned on the sink. She stared at herself in the mirror and poked at her eye bags. Thinking to herself that she needed to sleep more, she shrugged and stepped out of the bathroom.
"Sooyeon."
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow. "It's Taeyeon."
"I mean.. my name is Sooyeon."
Tick. Tick. Tick. The cogs in Taeyeon's brain went over the legal speed limit. Sooyeon? Jessica Jung Sooyeon? Tick. Tok. Tok. Tok. Right, Sooyoung had seen Jessica the night before. The girl in front of her wasn't Jessica.
Taeyeon knocked herself on the head with her fist. "Oops, Nice to meet you, Sooyeon!"
The room was shrouded with awkwardness.
"I think I should get going now." Taeyeon started towards the door. Her hand was already on the door knob when she sharply turned back and approached Sooyeon in little quick steps. Taeyeon placed a kiss on Sooyeon's paper bag, somewhere near where she thought Sooyeon's cheek would be.
"Now that you're filled with love, nothing will hurt anymore."
Spinning around, Taeyeon sprinted out of the room as she felt her face heat up.
|| 12.09pm Taeyeon's Apartment ||
Sooyoung and Sunny sprang off the sofa abruptly as Taeyeon walked in. Their faces were flushed, and Sunny's shirt seemed to have a few buttons missing.
"What were you guys….."
Sooyoung looked around and whistled while Sunny scurried to the kitchen.
"We-"
"Wait did you do what I think you did because if you did do what I think you guys did I really don't want to know."
Sooyoung coughed, nodded and then ushered Taeyeon into her own room.
Taeyeon spun around on her purple swivel chair and browsed through Jessica Jung's forum page as she waited for a reply. Surprisingly, aside from Sooyoung, no one else had spotted her the night before. How odd…
Wanting to get a coffee, Taeyeon got up again. When she was at her door, some weird, weird sounds reached her ears.
"YAH SOOYOUNG I'M COMING OUT OF THE ROOM YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS."
Rushed shifting sounds.
By the time three seconds were up, Sooyoung stood at attention at the sofa, and Taeyeon saw a figure disappear swiftly into the kitchen.
"I'm going to get some stuff, you can call me when you're do-ne."
Sooyoung smirked. "You know me the best, Tae."
"Of course I do, what are best friends for?"
The door closed and the weird, weird sounds continued.
|| 12.50pm Daylight Cafe ||
"The regular?"
Taeyeon nodded.
She had visited the same cafe since forever. All the waitresses knew her by name, and they always remembered to give her extra toppings even when she didn't ask for them. The aroma of coffee wafted around the cafe. An elderly man in a baggy checkered shirt was scanning through the news, a few teenage boys were showing off pictures from their cellphones, waitresses flitted in between tables while skilfully balancing piles of plates on their arms.
Looking around, she tried to gleam some inspiration to draw. She tapped the table periodically with her pencil. Even when her coffee had stopped steaming, she still had nothing.
Taking out a sketchbook, she flipped to a fresh page. The tapping was replaced by the smooth melody of pencil on paper.
Her features were softer. No not so sharp. Uhm… Is this right? Was the eyepatch here or there? Ah right that. The smile…. The random gaps between teeth. That grin. Yes that sparkle in her eye. Yup this is it.
Taeyeon was adding in the finishing touches when the scent of strawberries wafted towards her.
She felt a pair of eyes watching her, and looked up. Someone sitting at the table next to hers was staring at her drawing. Except that someone wasn't any someone. It was Jessica Jung Sooyeon. They made eye contact. For a moment, Taeyeon thought she saw Jessica's eyes widen but brushed it off when her goddess smiled.
"Ah, yes... be right there." Jessica hung up and waved at Taeyeon as she exited the cafe.
Close to fainting, Taeyeon whipped out her phone and scrolled through her address book. Sooyoung would be a little too 'busy' now to pick up.
Brrrr brrr. Brrrrr brrrr.
"Yobosey-ooh?"
"YOOOONAAAAAA I JUST SAW JESSICA AND SHE SMILED AT ME, SHE SMILED AT MEEEEE."
"M….mwo?" Yoona groggily replied.
"JESSICA!! SMILE!!! AHHHHHH I CAN'T BREATHE."
"That's great unni…" Yoona yawned over the phone.
"SICCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"Unni it's 3a.m. My ears are dying."
"OH RIGHT OKAY GO BACK TO SLEEP STUDY WELL AND COME BACK TO KOREA SOON OKAY?"
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Fireworks. There were fireworks in Taeyeon's chest. They sparked off in a continuous queue, sending shots of elation into her bloodstream. She wanted to high five everyone in the cafe and spin around on the pavement. …..So she did. Completely oblivious to the weird stares people gave her, she continued skipping down the street, high fiving random passer-bys.
She stopped outside an ice-cream shop, contemplating whether or not to enter. When Taeyeon finally made up her mind, she suddenly felt lightheaded. Her vision became blurry and the sounds around her faded into an ongoing drum of noise.
Flash. Flash. Flash. Everything suddenly dissolved into dust. She was standing in a room full of nothing. It was white all around. The walls, the ceilings, the floor. White.
A golden feather swished left and right in the air as it descended to the floor.
Flash. Flash. Flash.
Taeyeon out.
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