` ( 난 죽을때까지 느끼고 싶어 . )
Why Won't You Fight.
The hospital was cold. That was the first thought in MiKyung's mind as she slowly came to. She could smell the chemicals of the sterile room and knew all to well the familiar beep of her heart monitor. She was in the hospital. In East Seoul. She didn't even want to think about the bill her parents would accrue.
"Miss Moon how are you feeling?" A deep voice to her left made MiKyung turn her head towards a middle aged doctor with a slightly balding head and glasses. He seemed nice enough. "Tired. Really tired." The doctor chuckled. "Yes, well, because your cells are dieing and then regenerating at a much more rapid rate becacuse of the cancer, your body is woring overtime to compensate. This is why you get a fever or have been feeling dizzy. How long have you stopped with treatment, Miss Moon?"
MiKyung thought for awhile. Two years? Three years? She didn't know how long. But she had to give an answer anyway. "Two years at least." The doctor wrote down some notes on her chart. "And have you thought about undergoing a bonemarrow transplant? I took a look at the tests we ran and we can cure your Leukemia. At least to a point where you can go about your life for more than a year."
MiKyung looked at the doctor in surprise? A cure? Bonemarrow transplant? She was never told about any of this. "I can't afford it. I honestly can't afford even a minute in this hospital, when can I be released?" The doctor frowned. This was one of the richer districts of Seoul, who couldn't afford anything? "How long do I have left? Without any treatment." The doctor studied the chart one last time, noting her white blood cell count and her blood work results.
"It's September so realistically 6-months to a year. If you get the bonemarrow transplant, you could potentially live the rest of your life." MiKyung sighed. She wants to live of course, but she'd already made up her mind long ago because of money. She knew her parents could never afford the treatment and she didn't want her family to burden themselves any longer.
"Can you do me a favor?" The doctor nodded. "I don't want you to tell them the real reason I fainted. Please as a patient it's my wish that my illness remain confidential. So please tell them I'll be fine." The doctor nodded. He had to lie due to Doctor-Patient confidentiality. If MiKyung didn't want anyone to know then he could not inform them without breaking the law.
"Certinly, Miss Moon. However, why don't you think about the transplant some more, hmm?" MiKyung nodded as a courtesy, though she knew nothing would make her change her mind. She would not put that kind of burden on her family. She would pass away peacfully and then her family could finally rest in ease knowing their daughter didn't suffer anymore.
Outside her hospital room in the waiting area, 7 girls, 7 boys, and 7 sets of parents filled every seat, some of the boys even standing against the wall. SooRyun and Byul were still crying silently, holding each other while Rap Monster stood off to the corner looking troubled. He never thought she'd be hospitalized.
When his parents told him to come to the hospital he had no idea what to think. Was someone hurt? Was it serious? And then he found out that it was MiKyung who had collapsed and he all but sprinted to the hospital. She better not die, was the only thought on his mind. She wasn't supposed to die yet.
Being the first of the boys to arrive, he immediately asked the girls what had happend. Hannah explained that MiKyung had fainted on the steps and was spiking a high fever. Rap Monster grit his teeth. That idiot. He scolded her how many times about making sure he was okay. How many times had he all but dragged her to the nurse?
Once everyone had arrived the doctor came out and informed everyone that she would be fine once she rested and had collapsed due to exhaustion. Everyone was relieved except Rap Monster, though. He knew better. Knew she made the doctor lie to keep her secret. Now he really needed to scold her.
"When can we see her?" NamJoon found himself asking before he could stop himself, garnering odd looks from everyone around. "She's resting now so only one visitor. Do you want to see her young man?" NamJoon looked around. He sighed. The other's be damned. He was going to get it through this girl's head that she had to live.
"Yes. Which room is she in?" The doctor pointed to the last room on the left down the hall. NamJoon bowed curtly and walked quickly towards her room. The other's looked on in amazement, not expecting Rap Monster to care at all. Even the girls were surprised, because from the start the boys had had everything against them.
NamJoon didn't think twice about knocking, sliding the door open rather harshly. He quietly stalked into the room, MiKyung gasped in surprise, shooting up quickly in her bed. "What are you doing here?" NamJoon glared. "Idiot. Didn't I tell you to take care of yourself?" MiKyung frowned. "Didn't I tell you to stay out of my life?" NamJoon growled. He'd never met a girl so goddamn irritating.
"Why did you tell the doctor to lie? Do you think your parents would like it if you died here? You're a fool. The least you can do is stay alive for them." MiKyung held back tears.
"It would be better off. We wouldn't be in debt anymore and my parents wouldn't have to slave away. You want to know why I stopped trying? Why I've decided to just live out the rest of my days? Because I'm a burden. My parents work themselves ragged just to put food on the table each week. My brother never comes home because he works so hard to help my parents pay for my bills. You will never have to worry about anything. You have money.You have no idea what the West Side is like. How dire our situation truly is. We've been ignored by the East for 50 years. I can't even afford one second in this hospital. I'm not a fool. I'm sick."
RapMonster was quiet for a moment. No parent would ever think their child a burden. It's their child that they love unconditionally. Rap Monster just knew if her mother knew her daughter gave up treatments because of them she'd be heartbroken. No one wants to die. , even NamJoon would admit he'd be terrified of dieing, especially if he knew beforehand. If he died, he'd want it to be quick and swift.
"You really think that will make your parents happy? To have their child die? In what world is that logical? Just look at you..." Rap Monster trailed off, truly noticing for the first time how sick she really looked. Her face was pale, her eyes a dark purple from lack of sleep. She was thin, thinner then when she first arrived. Rap Monster thought he could snap her in half just by hugging her.
He shouldn't have cared. He told himself he didn't, yet why did he try so hard to fight her?
"Of course not. But what choice do I have? I'm poor, my family is poor, and even if we could afford treatment, it wouldn't make me better. Do you know what chemo does to your body? I lost my hair, I had red splotches all over my skin from the radiation and you throw up for the first couple months. You think it's fun? That I should put my bodythrough hell just to live a few months longer? No, it's not. I don't want my parents to remember my last moments as a bed ridden, bald, shell of a human. I want them to see me, the me before I got sick. Why I stopped treatment? I want to spare them the pain of watching me deteriorate. When I go, it will be in the comforts of my bed, no medication, no tubes, nothing. When I go, it will be in the most painless way possible."
NamJoon didn't know what to say. It made sense on one hand, but in his mind none of that mattered. Shouldn't you fight like hell until the end? Rap Monster would do anything in his power to stay alive, to overcome this illness instead of let it consume him. He couldn't understand it.
"Don't you have things you want to do? A career goal, a life goal, anything?" MiKyung chuckled. "Of course I have things I want to do before I die. I've already crossed one of them off the list thanks to you." Rap Monster remembered the elephant ride. He could see the disappointment on her face when no one wanted to ride it with her. Rap Monster chalked it up to not caring at the time, but curse his loyalty. He felt obligated to help her because he cared that she was sick.
"What is the one thing you want most in this world?" MiKyung knew the answer to the question, but she wasn't sure she wanted to disclose it. NamJoon would probably laugh at her. "It's stupid really." NamJoon didn't budge. "I doubt it. Just tell me." He urged her on, trying to get as much information out of her as possible. There had to be a cure out there somewhere and he was going to find it. He's never experienced the death of someone he knew and he didn't want to either.
"I want to find true love. I want to love unconditionally and be loved in return. I want to cram all the life firsts into a small time frame. I want to marry and go on a honeymoon to Jeju Island. I want to experience true happiness with the one. But I'm just a fool for thinking its possible. Who would love a sick girl. Better yet, who would want to be with someone whose going to die in less than a year?" MiKyung had to turn her head away to hold back the tears threatening to spill over.
"Just...I'd like to be alone please. You should go back to the compound. The others are probably worried." Rap Monster frowned. MiKyung really thought that way? What a deplorable girl. Shouldn't she be clinging to life? NamJoon was angry. He didn't know why, either.
Regardless, he abided by her wishes and left, taking a taxi back to the compound. On the way back all he could think about was his conversation with MiKyung. He sat restless. He wouldn't just let her give up. He wasn't going to let anyone die, not on his watch.
In the living room both the girls and the boys minus NamJoon and MiKyung were gathered around, discussing the days events. EunSeo and J-Hope found themselves seated together on the love seat, Jungkook sat next to ByulHee and SooRyun who were on the floor, their backs against the couch. Hannah was elated that Jimin sat next to her on the couch followed by V and Suga. HaeRa sat on the arm of the lazy boy while Jin sat in the chair.
"Did any of you notice MiKyung not feeling well?" HaeRa asked curiously, feeling bad that she herself didn't pay closer attention to her friend and dongsaeng. "I saw her in the nurses office once but she looked fine at the end of the day so I didn't say anything." Jungkook replied, pursinghis lips together in a thin line. He couldn't believe she just passed out like that.
"I hope MiKyung is okay, I was really worried when she collapsed. I mean I was talking to her one minute and the next and I was trying to shake her awake. It was terrifying." EunSeo let out a shutter at the flashback, thinking back to how terrifying the whole experience was. J-Hope had his arm draped over the back of the couch, resting on top of it. He gave her a light pat on the shoulder, letting her know things would be fine. Ever since they bonded over Leggo's in the library, J-Hope had taken an interest in EunSeo. Not romantically or anything like that (yet) but he certainly didn't mind interracting and talking with her.
They were dare I say it, friends.
AUTHOR'S NOTE : So we got to see a little more of MiKyung's thought process and Rap Monsters frustration with her willingness to give up. We also get a little reveal of just how dire things are on the Westside. How neglected they truly are. LET ME JUST SAY I FREAKING ADORE SEOHOPE. I SHIP IT AND I WISH I COULD FIND MORE INSTANCES TO MAKE THEM FIT IN THIS ARC. But hey, it's getting there. I'm growing so fond of my characters, I don't know how I'm ever going to let MiKyung go. Anyway, please let me know your thoughts! I enjoy reading the feedback greatly, it keeps me motivated to keep writing this story.
credits to fallen angel