‘’I hate cold winter mornings.’’

Jonghyun strolls around the house, rubbing his arms all the while. He feels lost in this place that he calls home and struggles with the heater that he just can’t seem to figure out. His skin is even more pale than usual and he is sure that his touch could turn any object into ice right now. He misses his hyung, who would always play him songs on his guitar by the fireplace. His hyung that would always make him hot chocolate on those cold winter mornings.

‘’Come home. Quickly.’’

He stares at the world outside. It’s early, the clock has just struck 5 o’clock but Jonghyun can’t sleep any longer. On hot summer days he loves to sleep, because his dreams are hot and joyful, but the cold winter nights bring cold and dark dreams, so Jonghyun stays awake. His head isn’t a safe harbor during the winter. When he explains this to others he likes to use the wind as a metaphor: when the brown wind - which is brown because it’s filled with fallen leaves - makes place for the cold winter wind, the leaves in my head go away. But when they are gone there is nothing left, because what does the cold winter wind hold? Emptiness is the last thing I need. My mind and thoughts have all the freedom they shouldn’t be allowed to have.

Despite the time there are already cars outside. People are heading to work on this cold winter day. Jonghyun just hopes they will be safe. Some roads are still slippery, even though the government tries to clean all the roads as much as they can. The salt can always miss a spot. New snow can always fall. There are also roads that the snowplows don’t reach – for whatever reason. It is still dark outside and the only thing Jonghyun sees are the car lights. He places his hand on the cold glass and mumbles that he wants all the drivers to be safe today.

‘’You have to play me a song tonight, in front of the fireplace, like you always used to! You don’t have to worry about the song, I’ve already picked one out. Hyung, I’m looking forward to it.’’

He stumbles into the kitchen. His feet are so cold that he has trouble taking steps. The ramen that he is preparing is almost ready. The familiar scent has filled the kitchen and it makes Jonghyun feel at home, because it was this type of ramen that he always made for his hyung. He recalls this one night when his hyung was grumpy and refused to talk to him, no matter what Jonghyun tried. It was this ramen that made his hyung talk and finally tell him what was bothering him. That night was very satisfying – in more than just one way.

Jonghyun grins as he recalls the hot winter night. The way his hyung would cling onto him, his arms draped around his neck as he tried to pull him deeper inside of him. When Jonghyun prepares coffee in the morning he recalls his hyung’s breath. The way his tongue and lips would taste. He tastes that again when he takes a sip of his coffee. To be honest, Jonghyun hates coffee. He is disgusted with the bitter taste, but it’s at moments like these - when he drinks coffee and tastes his hyung’s mouth – that he feels the closest to him. Jonghyun can still feel his hyung’s nails on his back. He would always dig them firmly into his skin when Jonghyun was hitting the right spot. It went along with high pitched moans, that secretly made Jonghyun giggle because it didn’t suit his hyung’s manly image and his hyung always told him not to tell anyone about it. It would harm his ‘’reputation’’.

‘’I just remembered our winter night. If you don’t come home quickly I’ll tell everyone about your girly moans, kk.’’

When Jonghyun enters the living room with his bowl of ramen he sees their old music player. He remembers how they would always dance to their favorite jazz music in the middle of the room, shoving all the tables and other furniture aside. His hyung’s dance moves were absolutely terrible, but so were his. His hyung really did try to make it work, though. He would watch tutorial videos when he was away and when he came home he would shove everything aside and pull Jonghyun into his arms, trying to teach him the dance moves he had learned but Jonghyun was the worst student he could possibly have so they would always end up on the floor, when Jonghyun had tripped over his hyung’s feet once again and had pulled him down with him in his fall. His hyung would complain and nag at him when he tried to get up, but Jonghyun would always pull him back down and shower him with kisses, knowing that his hyung didn’t mind at all.

At cold winter mornings Jonghyun remembers how unfair the world is. It was too soon for his hyung and him to say goodbye. There were too many things Jonghyun still wanted to say, too many things he still wanted to know. At those mornings Jonghyun realizes that he isn’t living, that he can’t live, because he’s practically dying. At mornings like these Jonghyun believes that it would be better for him and his hyung to have never met. To go back to the time when they didn’t know each other and live from there on, because the way it is now is impossible. Living like this is too hard, too cruel and too cold.

He ends up at the drawer in his room. Letters are sticking out of the closed drawer, it’s too stuffed. But even though it’s too stuffed Jonghyun adds another letter. A fresh one. The drawer is filled with letters that Jonghyun writes to his hyung. Some carry happy stories, others carry Jonghyun’s darkest moments. Sometimes he writes about his day, other times he talks about the things that have happened in the world, keeping his hyung up to date. He stuffs the letter into the drawer. Only to start a new one right away.

On cold winter mornings Jonghyun remembers Yonghwa. He relives that day when he was standing in front of the window at an early hour, staring at the world outside. Waiting for his hyung to come home. But he wouldn’t. He was driving on one of those roads that the snowplows hadn’t reached – for whatever reason. It was dark, it was early, it was cold and it was snowing. He didn’t stand a chance. His car slipped. It slipped and slid down the icy road, straight down into the river. He didn’t stand a chance. Jonghyun remembers it on those cold winter mornings and refuses to accept the fact that his hyung won’t come back.

‘’I miss you so much, my love. How could they take you away from me?’’