In the process of receiving and putting Spongy down Jonghyun’s left sleeve of his checkered blouse had scrolled up, exposing the bare skin of his forearm. I walked towards him and grabbed his hand while my other hand scrolled up his sleeve some more so I could see his entire forearm.

 

‘’What the hell?’’ I muttered in utter surprise as I beheld his skin that looked like carved wood: it was covered with thin lines. Some were swollen and dark red while others were soft pink, just a bit darker than his skin tone. I immediately realized what was going on.

 

‘’Don’t,’’ Jonghyun protested suddenly, pushing my hand away while he quickly pulled down his sleeve again, covering his arm.

 

‘’What’s going on in that mind of yours, Jonghyun?” I asked, still in shock, as I took a hold of him by grabbing his wrist. I looked into his eyes and saw complete fear. ‘’Show me your arm,’’ I insisted in a tone that meant business. Jonghyun saw my gaze and knew he had to obey. Slowly, and with big reluctance, he scrolled up the sleeve that covered his left arm, allowing me to see his skin again. A shiver went through my body as I saw the amount of scars. I traced the thin lines with my index finger and could see him stare at my hand from the corner of my eye.

 

‘’Why?’’ I murmured while I was mesmerized by his scarred skin. I stopped my fingers from tracing the lines and moved my gaze to his face, to his expression that was so blank. ‘’Tell me all,’’ I whispered, ‘’please tell me all, Jonghyun.’’

 

I realized very well that being angry wasn’t an option. I had to find out what was going on in that head of his, I had to try to understand him, even though I currently doubted that I would ever understand it.

 

‘’It makes things easier,’’ I heard him whisper almost inaudibly – if it hadn’t been for the fact that I saw his lips move I wouldn’t even had noticed that he was talking.

 

‘’How?!” I exclaimed, a lot louder than I had planned. The pain that grabbed my entire soul took over. I loved everything about him, I loved every part of his body and when he was in pain, I was in pain and I just couldn’t stand the knowledge that he harmed himself.

 

I saw that he was startled by the sudden raise of my voice. ‘’Sorry,’’ I quickly muttered, briefly his cheek to calm him down.

 

‘’Hyung, I don’t even know. Just ignore it,’’ he begged, looking very uncomfortable. I took a deep breath, trying to control my voice and the pain inside.

 

‘’When did this start?’’

 

‘’After our first really big argument two and a half months ago, when you told me for the first time that you doubted our relationship,’’ he whispered with a cracked voice as he avoided my gaze. I felt my entire body cringe at his words as I realized it was because of me. An overwhelming sorrow and a feeling of failure and responsibility towards his family boiled up inside of me. As the elder one, I should protect him from any form of harm, but I was the one causing him that harm.

 

There were so many things I wanted to say to him, so many things I wanted him to know, but instead of all those things I simply asked why. Why, of all the things he could have done, why had he turned to this?

 

‘’It eases the pain,’’ he repeated as he blankly stared at the  lines. Some had turned into soft pink scars, others were still fresh and covered by clotted blood. ‘’Sometimes,’’ he went on, ‘’the pain is too overwhelming. It gets so overwhelming that I can’t emotionally deal with it,’’ he mumbled softly, ‘’when I do this, the pain decreases and it gets to a level that’s bearable.’’

 

I looked at him in utter disbelief, trying to understand how his brain was working. The thought of him cutting himself, abusing his own skin because of words that came out of my mind took my breath away to an extent that I ultimately had to gasp for air. I let go of his wrist, that I had been holding on to all that time, and wrapped him into my arms, trying to give him protection from a threat that I had created myself. He folded his arms around me and hid his face in my shoulder.

 

‘’No more of this,’’ I whispered, ‘’no more of this, Jonghyun. Promise me now.’’

 

I felt his grip on my blouse tighten as he made his promise. I had no idea how seriously I could or should take his promise, but it was mostly to make myself feel better.

 

‘’All of me loves all of you,’’ I whispered to him as I placed one of my hands behind his head, ‘’don’t ever think you’re not the one my heart beats for. You’re the one I run off to, my worst distraction. What I said to you, I don’t even understand why I said it. I guess the overwhelming pain that you talked about earlier took over my sanity. I don’t doubt our relationship, not now, not tomorrow. I never will. Don’t ever hurt yourself because of me again, Jonghyun-ah,’’ I spoke while I felt the scars and wounds on his wrist weigh on my heart.

 

As I held him is my arms I couldn’t get the image of him cutting himself out of my head. I kept imagining him sitting in his room, all in the dark, with whatever sharp object he could find. Tears streaming down his pale face with his phone still held in his hand. His hand that was shaking after our conversation had ended and I had left him alone in the dark with his own dangerous desperation, which I never realized had so much power. I saw him place the object on his skin, pulling it apart… It hurt too much. I had to stop my thoughts right now.

 

‘’I’m sorry for the times I made your whole world rumble and for the times that I made you cry,’’ I sighed as I squeezed my eyes together, trying to get rid of my thoughts of him, ‘’for the times that I made you scream in desperation and the times that I just watched you stumble.’’

 

His hold on my neck loosened and he slowly moved away from me. I slid my hand down from the back of his head to his hips, where my other hand was already resting. I gazed at him as he parted his lips.

 

‘’I knew when we started this that it wouldn’t go without any blisters. Especially since we were so young when we began. In fact we’re still young now. We still have more than enough to learn and we still have more than enough mistakes to make, so don’t be sad, don’t be apologetic, don’t be afraid now. Just stand by me and hold on to me as we walk the rest of our lives together.’’

 

**

 

We walked along the beach together, while Spongy ran around us, still trying to catch seagulls. The mood had become less heavy as we walked along the waves and our frustrations, worries and emotions blew away with the wind. We were walking side by side, shoulders touching during every step. We talked about our days, Jonghyun complained about Minhyuk’s never-ending nagging about our messy rooms, I joked about my brother. He told me how he had got here, how he had planned everything out. Before coming here he had called my parents for my brother’s address and after that everything went quickly. He bought a ticket and left Korea the next day. He told me in small detail how surprised my brother was when he showed up at his front door even though I had told him he wouldn’t come.

 

‘’You could have just waited for me to come home, right?’’ I asked, wondering why he had gone through all this trouble of visiting me instead of just waiting for me to get home, ‘’I would have come home in 14 days.’’

 

Jonghyun sighed and ruffled his own hair. In the mean time we had exited the beach and were now making our way home.

 

‘’I tried calling you, but you had turned off your phone or blocked my number or something,’’ he said while his hand was still tangled in his hair. My gaze was fixed on him and he had to grab my arm in order for me not to walk into any lampposts. ‘’When I couldn’t reach you I got so worried, hyung, especially after your words. I went crazy and I couldn’t just sit around and wait for you to come  back and live in that uncertainty for two weeks. It felt like we had crossed a line, that something had snapped and I had to fix it as soon as I could.’’

 

I could imagine him again, sitting in his room and going crazy like he had said, causing himself pain again because of me. I shook my head, trying to block the reappearing thought. I knew it would haunt me for the next couple of weeks.

 

‘’I’m sorry,’’ I whispered as I squeezed his hand that was placed on my arm. It felt like my whole body was burning in a constant headlock of guilt. He had come all this way for me, he had paid all that money for a flight ticket simply to see me, without even knowing for sure that he would see me or that I would want to talk to him. He had spent 14 hours in a plane all by himself and I bet it was hard for him to get a ticket this suddenly.

 

He sent me a small and soft but obviously very exhausted smile as he felt my touch. These past few months had been really tough on us.

 

**

 

We had arrived at my brother’s dorm and I was already preparing myself for my brother’s reaction. I knew how much of a drama queen he was and ‘’lying’’ to him about Jonghyun was enough reason for him to cause a scene. Unless… Jonghyun had already made up an excuse for me?

 

‘’What did he say when you showed up?’’ I asked Jonghyun while I kneeled down in front of the door to remove Spongy’s belt.

 

‘’Well, of course he was really surprised. He thought I would be at my parents in Busan, so I quickly had to come up with something to say.’’

 

‘’And, what did you say?’’

 

‘’Told him it was a surprise from you,’’ he grinned.

 

‘’Oh god,’’ I laughed. He had put me on the spot there like I had put him on the spot earlier.  I opened the door and placed my hand on Jonghyun’s shoulder, guiding him and Spongy inside.  I immediately noticed Jonghyun’s suitcase that was placed in the hallway. ‘’Hyung?’’ I yelled as I signed Jonghyun to take a seat on the couch while I looked for my brother.

 

‘’Did he say something about going out when you came here?’’ I asked when I had looked in every single room and didn’t see his shoes either.

 

‘’No, nothing at all,’’ he replied while I sat down next to him.

 

‘’Guess we’re alone then,’’ I answered, ‘’gives me some more time to come up with an excuse,’’ I laughed. I took a hold of his left hand while I moved closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. I his scarred forearm, even though it was covered by his sleeve. ‘’Your skin is so fragile already, Jonghyun, like porcelain,’’ I sighed as I thought of how much damage he had done to his skin.

 

I felt his body stiffen while he gazed at the fingers of my right hand that caressed his marked skin, still covered by his sleeve. His head was resting on mine, our legs were tightly pressed together.

 

‘’I’ve missed your touch,’’ he whispered.

 

‘’I’ve missed yours too,’’ I whispered back as I squeezed his hand. I rested my entire body against his and the touch of his body heated mine. I stared at our hands that had intertwined, naturally as always, and treasured the silence that had appeared. It was all I needed at this moment. I heard the softness of his breath and realized it wouldn’t get better than this. It’s funny how it all started with a kiss and it had turned into this private bubble that hid us from the world that we lived in.

 

**

 

We stayed like this until we heard my brother open the front door and saw Spongy jump up. Reluctantly, I moved away from Jonghyun and acted like we had just been casually chatting.

 

‘’Yonghwa, you home? Jonghyun-ah?’’ my brother yelled as he moved closer to the living room.

 

‘’Ne,’’ I mouthed back before my brother appeared.

 

‘’Ah, there are my dongsaengs,’’ he spoke happily, but his smile suddenly disappeared when he focused on me. ‘’Yonghwa!” he yelled, startling me, ‘’don’t ever surprise me like this again!’’ he nagged as he took a seat right between me and Jonghyun, ‘’do you know how disappointed I was about Jonghyun not being here? And then all of a sudden he was there at the front door, giving me a seizure! Think of hyung’s heart!’’

 

I laughed at his exaggeration – the drama queen.

 

‘’But now I have already had that seizure, I might as well enjoy it,’’ he sighed, full of self-pity, ‘’Jonghyun-ah, my favorite dongsaeng,’’ he smiled as he moved away from me and turned to Jonghyun, wrapping his arm around him.

 

‘’Oh, hyung-nim,’’ Jonghyun laughed, surprised by his sudden affection while he petted my brother’s back. My brother asked him thousands of questions. About his flight, the travel here (‘’you behaved well, right? You didn’t flirt with the flight attendants?!’’), his drama, his brother’s son (he kept telling Jonghyun how happy he was with the pictures he always sends him) and more personal stuff.  I watched it all from the sideline and enjoyed seeing my brother get along so well with Jonghyun. They had always got along great, from the first time they met – which was just a few weeks after I had first met Jonghyun.

 

‘’Well, shall we go for lunch together?’’ he asked when he was done investigating Jonghyun. We both nodded and got up.

 

‘’How long are you planning on staying, by the way?’’ my brother asked when he saw Jonghyun’s suitcase. ‘’Don’t get me wrong, I’m just asking. You can stay as long as you want, of course.’’

 

Jonghyun exchanged looks with me, but I hadn’t even thought about that yet.

 

‘’I haven’t thought about that yet, actually,’’ he replied as if he could read my mind.

 

‘’Me neither,’’ I joined in.

 

‘’Okay, we’ll just see then,’’ my brother said while he signed us to get out, ‘’let’s go.’’

 

**

​

My brother’s question got me thinking. How long was Jonghyun going to stay? Would he go home along with me, would he go earlier so I could spend some more quality time with my brother or was I going home with Jonghyun earlier? I tried to think it all through as I lay down on bed.

 

I had been here for only 4 days so I still had 10 days left. The reason I got here was to visit my brother. At first, I wanted to take Jonghyun with me, but I decided not to. I had come here to get away from Jonghyun, actually, otherwise I would have taken him with me. But when I decided that I was in a really big argument with him, which had now been fixed. If we hadn’t been in that argument, I would have taken him for sure, but something had changed. That argument had made me realize we both needed some space, some time away from each other. That’d be the healthiest for both of us.

 

‘’Jonghyun-ah,’’ I spoke as I opened my eyes and sat up in bed. He had stayed in the living room while I had gone to my room after we had devoured our dinner.

 

‘’Ne?’’ I heard him say while he entered my bedroom. I petted the space next to me, telling him to sit down. He closed the door behind him and snuggled up beside me. ‘’What’s going on?’’

 

‘’You know,’’ I started, ‘’the main reason I came here was to get some clarity and peace, so I could clear my head... ‘’ I spoke before I paused for a moment to see his reaction. He was looking at me with those big, brown eyes and his soft expression, which made it even harder for me to continue what I was going to say.‘’I need some shelter for my own protection. I need to be with myself and center clarity. And you should too, actually.’’ I stopped again. A small and subtle smile formed on his lips and he sent me an understanding nod.

 

‘’I know what you’re trying to say, hyung,’’ he whispered while he rubbed my knee, ‘’and I understand. You’re right.’’

 

‘’I hope you know that it has nothing to do with you, Jonghyun-ah,’’ I murmured while I couldn’t look him in the eye, ‘’it’s personal, I just have some straightening out to do.’’

 

‘’You don’t have to explain, I get it, hyung. Really,’’ he spoke before he pressed a small kiss on my cheek, electrifying me like he always does. ‘’I’ll be gone by tomorrow,’’ he said as he got up. I felt my body cringe as I saw him get up and walk away from me. I felt really bad about the whole thing, knowing he had come all this way just for me, but I had to choose for myself now.

 

‘’Don’t worry about the ticket, I’ll pay for it,’’ I said before he got out.

 

‘’It’s okay, hyung,’’ he replied before he left the room, but I wasn’t going to let him pay for it. I fell down on my bed again and questioned my decision. My head hurt and doubts immediately came up. Was it really the right thing to do? Could I even send him home? And how was I going to explain this to my brother? I sighed at the complicated situation we had created once again and buried my face in my pillow.

 

**

 

I had fallen asleep. I had eaten more than my body could hold during dinner and it had really worn me out, but now I was woken up by some movement in my bed. I had some trouble opening my eyes while I felt someone lie down next to me. ‘’What are you doing,’’ I mumbled as I tried to see what was going on, but my room was pitch black.

 

‘’Ah, hyung,’’ I heard Jonghyun whisper, ‘’sorry for waking you up. Can I sleep here?’’ he asked, a bit unnecessary since he had already lain down next to me.  ‘’The door is closed and I’ll make sure I’m gone in the morning, so you don’t have to worry about your brother.’’

 

‘’Of course,’’ I yawned while I closed my eyes again, too tired to think straight. My brother had insisted that Jonghyun would sleep in his bed, but Jonghyun kept refusing – being the stubborn kid he is - so in the end my brother gave in and let Jonghyun sleep on the couch, but now he had fled to my bed. I automatically wrapped my arms around his waist, it was a habit, and locked him into my arms before he covered us with my blanket. It felt great to have him with me again, I had missed him during the night. Knowing it would take me 10 days to have him like this again, I treasured the moment even more. ‘’Sleep well,’’ I whispered to him while I pressed my face in his hair. The scent reminded me of our spring days in Japan. His hands held onto my t-shirt while his breath warmed my chest as his face was buried underneath my chin. It was all I wanted.

 

**

 

I took off my shirt and realized the smell of his skin lingered on me. He’s probably on his flight back to our hometown now, to spend some time with his parents. My brother and I had dropped him off at the airport earlier this morning. I had told my brother that Jonghyun had to go because of an emergency back home, ‘’something with his drama, but don’t worry: he will get the missed holidays back.’’ My brother thought it was really weird, and most of all sad for Jonghyun, but he bought it eventually and that was enough for now. The farewell was bitter as always. When my brother had said his goodbyes to Jonghyun I had told him to go outside and get us a taxi, so I could say goodbye to him in peace.

 

‘’Let me know when you have hit ground,’’ I had said to him as we locked each other into each other’s arms one more time. I took in his scent one last time before I let him go. He moved away from me with big reluctance. ‘’Ya, don’t be like this,’’ I sighed with a smile as I saw his expression, making it harder than it already was, ‘’I’ll be back in 10 days, it’s nothing. And remember: we have no reason to rush. We have all the time in the world.’’

 

I got into the shower and washed his scent away, even though I was so fond of it. These 10 remaining days were for me and just me.

 

To be continued