My brother had sent me a message earlier, telling me how stoked he was for my arrival. He would wait for me outside and he already had a thousand things planned. I knew I had to get a good night of sleep in the plane. I realized my holiday had started when I entered the plane and took a seat in the business class section instead of the usual first class. My agency hadn’t booked this flight; I had. I got comfortable in my chair and plugged in my earphones. Having decided this was the start of my holiday, I turned off the service of my phone and ignored my unread messages and missed calls. No business, no obligations, just doing what I wanted to do and clear my head.

 

I placed my pillow against the small window and covered myself with my blanket before I closed my eyes and got lost in the music that was entering my ears. Being extremely exhausted from the past, well, 5 months, I fell asleep in the blink of an eye before the plane had even taken off.

 

**

 

When you have a 14-hour flight, it's impossible to sleep during the whole flight, but luckily I managed to skip 10 hours of it. I must have been tired, I thought as I untangled my earphones. I took in my surroundings and saw that pretty much the entire cabin was asleep. The lights were dimmed and someone had pulled down the curtain of my window. I connected my untangled earphones to the TV screen in front of me and tried to enjoy myself for the next 4 hours.

 

**

 

After 4 hours filled with TV shows I had never heard of we had finally hit ground. I had already left the plane and grabbed a cart for my suitcase. Knowing it would probably take a while for my suitcase to show up, I sat down and looked at the people around me, trying to find differences. It wasn’t that hard. Of course, I was surrounded by ‘’foreigners’’, people from all different cultures which isn’t that usual to see in Korea, but the biggest difference for me was the fact that I didn’t hear any screaming fan girls. It felt like I was just another face in the crowd and it made me feel completely at ease. Even though I was lost in thoughts, I managed to spot my suitcase. I placed it onto my baggage cart and made my way towards the exit where my brother would be waiting. As usual I struggled to get the cart moving, but when I had finally made my way to the exit, I could already spot my brother. I sped up my pace and when I was close enough I abandoned my cart and ran towards him. I hadn't seen him in five months and seeing him now suddenly made me realize how much I had missed him. I heard him yell my name as we locked one another in each other's arms. He ruffled my hair and I punched his flank, like we always do. We both burst out in our usual laughter, realizing nothing had changed.

 

''Welcome to San Francisco!"' he exclaimed when I had taken a hold of my cart again. It was my first time in San Francisco. The other time I had visited him, along with my parents, was in Philadelphia, where he was studying back then, but now he had transferred to SF. As he stopped a cab, I finally felt excitement. I breathed in the air that smelled so different from the Korean air and the excitement of being abroad took a hold of me. ''God, you have no idea how good it feels to speak Korean again,'' my brother sighed as he helped me stuff my suitcase into the trunk. We got into the cab and then the very detailed description of my brother's life during the past 5 months began.

 

''And how about you?'' he asked when we had arrived at his dorm which also was the end of his 40-minute monologue - I kid you not -, ''have you poured your aching heart into any pop songs lately?'' he chuckled jokingly. I gave him a push and walked a little faster. His words hit a sensitive subject. Memories came up, images came up, but I pushed them back as hard as I could. I wouldn’t let him come through. ''Oh gosh, you're still over-sensitive. I’m just kidding,'' he laughed as he saw my annoyed face. He threw one of his arms around my shoulder and took a hold of my suitcase with the other, ''ya, let hyung carry that.''

 

As we got up the stairs and got closer to the front door I could already hear my brother’s dog bark. I automatically barked back, which led to my brother laughing uncontrollably. ‘’Oh my god,’’ I heard him cry out, ‘’and that is a Korean idol!’’ I turned my head to shoot him daggers before I opened the apartment with the keys he had given me. I kneeled down and opened my arms. Despite that, I was quite surprised when Spongy, my brother’s dog, jumped into them without any hesitation whatsoever. He still remembered me. I felt my brother push me aside as he carried my suitcase to, I assume, my room. Curious about his apartment I let go of Spongy and followed him.

 

‘’This will be your bedroom for the next two weeks,’’ he said when we had entered a surprisingly spacious room with a bed, desk, high closet and posters of cities like Paris, Amsterdam and Tokyo. To my surprise there was even a signed CD that I had sent him some months ago. ‘’We’ll head out for lunch in 20 minutes,’’ he added as I looked around the room. Like I expected, the schedule was tight. Since this would be my room for the next two weeks, I decided to unpack first before heading out.

 

**

 

The inevitable question finally turned up during lunch.

 

‘’How are your bandmates? And why didn’t you bring Jonghyun?’’

 

I suppressed a sigh. Jonghyun and I had been talking about this trip for a long time and he always told me how much he would love to come along with me, so when I knew we would have a break I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for him to visit my brother with me, but obviously he wasn’t here. I had actually bought him a ticket, as a surprise. The plan was that when I was done promoting my drama in Japan, I would head back to Korea – instead of going straight to America -, pay a surprise visit to Jonghyun and ask him to come with me to America. I felt my body cringe at the thought of this failed plan. I was lucky that I had only told my brother about wanting to take Jonghyun, not about the fact that I had actually bought him a ticket.

 

‘’Everyone’s doing great and they’re all really busy. You know, dramas and stuff,’’ I replied.

 

‘’But all of you have a break now, right? So why didn’t Jonghyun come with you?’’

 

I thought my brother would have just gone with it, but he wasn’t that easy sadly.

 

‘’Ya, you know I would have really enjoyed seeing him!’’ he went on, giving me a playful push and almost making me feel guilty.

 

‘’Jo-,’’ I could hardly say his name. When I say it, it feels like there are thorns on it that electrify my heart and make me feel numb. ‘’Jonghyun went to Busan to visit his parents, so he couldn’t make it,’’ I lied at last.

 

‘’Ah, I understand now. That’s too bad though,’’ he answered, clearly disappointed. ‘’Well, next time you pay me visit you should bring him AND Minhyuk and Jungshin!’’

 

‘’Sure, hyung,’’ I replied, quickly changing the subject, ‘’but tell me a bit more about your research project!’’ He immediately forgot about what he had just asked and started his next monologue. I knew he was super excited about his project, so it was the right choice. I spent the next hour nodding, ‘’oh right’’-ing and trying to look interested.

 

After lunch my brother decided to show me around town with Spongy. The best spot we passed was definitely the beach, it looked absolutely amazing and I knew I was going back there somewhere these next couple of days. He showed me some of his favorite cafes and we even ran into some friends of his, but I was really happy when we hit home.

 

‘’Hyung,’’ I whined, ‘’is it okay if we call it a day? I’m really tired from the flight,’’ I added as I fell down on the couch.

 

‘’Ah, my baby brother,’’ he grinned, ‘’that’s okay. It must have been really tiring, so go to bed and get some rest, because I already have a lot of things planned for tomorrow!’’

 

‘’What a surprise,’’ I laughed as I got up from the couch with Spongy in my arms, heading towards my bedroom.

 

‘’Spongy really likes you! He’s never like that with people he doesn’t see that often,’’ he stated when he saw his dog completely at ease in my arms,’’ I think it’s because of your barking,’’ he wondered.

 

‘’I’m one with the dogs, you know,’’ I answered as I entered my room. I placed Spongy on my bed so I could change clothes. I took my phone out of my pocket and realized I hadn’t looked at it all day, which was really unusual. I hadn’t turned my service back on either. It was great to be away from it all for a while. I got into bed and even though it was only 6:30, I was more than ready to fall asleep. Spongy crawled into my arms, filling a painful empty spot.

 

**

 

The days flew by. Every day with my brother was filled with something new, something exciting. He had made a schedule for every day, expect for the two Sundays. Those were my free days during which I could do whatever I wanted to. Today was one of those free days and I had decided I was going to the beach with Spongy, by myself. I got out of bed and headed towards the kitchen/living room where my brother was already preparing breakfast. I took a seat at the kitchen counter and asked him what he was making.

 

‘’Your favorite,’ he exclaimed, ‘’kimchi jjigae!’’

 

‘’Ahhh, hyung! You’re too good!’’ I grinned.

 

‘’I know right? I’m so good to you,’’ he replied as he turned around to hand me a bowl. When he had sat down next to me we started eating and I discussed my plans for today with him.

 

‘’So, going to the beach?’’ he mumbled with a mouth stuffed with food, ‘’you know how to get there?’’

 

‘’Yeah,’’ I nodded while I told him the directions.

 

‘’Correct. Oh, and don’t get into cars, even if the driver offers you candy.’’

 

‘’Oh my god,’’ I replied as I almost pushed him off his chair. His jokes were the lamest. Once he had stopped laughing we finished dinner, after which I suggested I would do the dishes. When that was done I went back to my bedroom to get dressed. I tied Spongy to his belt and stuffed one of my pockets with some dog candy so I could restrain him.

 

‘’Hyung, I’m gonna go,’’ I yelled while I opened the front door. He was in the bathroom.

 

‘’Ne,’’ I heard him yell back. I carried Spongy down the stairs, but when he saw all the freedom in front of him I had a hard time keeping him in my arms. I struggled to get down the stairs and laughed at my own clumsiness before I placed him on the ground. Spongy immediately pulled me in the direction he wanted, but unfortunately for him that wasn’t the direction I was heading.

 

‘’Spongy, we’re going to the beach! Turn around,’’ I said in a voice I only spoke in when I was around animals. Spongy really didn’t want to follow my lead, so I took out one of the candies and like this I made my way to the beach. For the first time in two months I really felt at ease. No priorities, no schedules, no useless discussions... I tried to take in everything I saw around me as I strolled down the streets. After a 10 minute walk Spongy and I had reached the beach, which made him apparently very excited, since he almost pulled me to the beach with that tiny body. I removed his belt, which my brother had told me I could do, and walked along the ocean for quite some minutes until I had found really nice cliff. Keeping an eye on Spongy, I climbed onto the cliff and got comfortable. Spongy was having the time of his life, running after seagulls, barking as loud as he could and wetting his small feet in the ocean every now and then. I on the other hand watched the waves, as they rolled in and out without a doubt. It was hypnotizing and for some reason I didn’t even want to try to block out the thoughts that I had been keeping out ever since I had left the hotel room 5000 miles away from here. As I sat here in the serenity of the cliff, I swear I could hear his voice. I swear I could hear him say my name.

 

I closed my eyes and thought of him. That time when we were in Busan babysitting his brother’s son and we wondered what it would be like if we ever had the chance to be parents together. That time when he had just obtained his driver’s license and he was so proud to be driving me, Minhyuk and Jungshin around instead of me driving him and my other two dongsaengs around. Or that time when we went to Lotte World together before we were famous and we had laughed so much throughout the day that we seriously had a muscle ache in our stomach the next morning. Bringing back these things made me smile sincerely, but as I brought back these memories, I couldn’t keep the bad ones, that unavoidably came along with them, out either. These past two months in particular were filled with a lot of bad memories. Mainly a lot of useless and objectless discussions which led to uncontrollable headaches and lasting scars.

 

And at that moment I could hear his voice again, this time even more clearly. I heard him call for me, the way he always called for me in the morning, wondering where I was when I had woken up earlier than him and had already got out of bed.

 

‘’Yonghwa hyung,’’ I heard him say one more time before I felt someone touch my shoulder. Completely startled, I quickly opened my eyes and turned around to see who was touching me. What, or who, I saw startled me even more. It was him. I couldn’t even comprehend it. When did he get here? How did he get here? Why did he get here? Had I gone mental?

 

At a loss for it all, I tried to compose a sentence, but nothing came out of my mouth.

 

‘’Hyung, I’m sorry for surprising you like this, but please listen to what I have to say,’’ he said to me while I pushed his hand off my arm.

 

‘’No,’’ I said resolute, ‘’I don’t want to talk you.’’

 

‘’You don’t have to talk, just please listen to me, hyung,’’ he went on. It was then that I realized he was carrying his guitar with him. ‘’Will you listen to me for five minutes? That’s all that I ask.’’

 

I just wanted to get up and walk away, away from him, but I was nailed to the ground. I couldn’t say anything either, I was completely flabbergasted and still wondering whether or not this was real or just my mind playing games with me.

 

‘’You know me, I am not good at expression myself out of the blue, so therefore, instead of saying what I have to say, I’ll sing it,’’ he mumbled nervously as he took his guitar out of the case, apparently taking my silence for a yes, ‘’my love for you and your love for me, I hope you can find it in this song.’’

 

His words made my heart flutter and I hated the shiver that shook my entire body. I hadn’t seen him in over two weeks and the undeniable beauty of his face weakened my legs. Because of that, I turned my head away from his and instead focused on the waves.

 

I was left in the darkness, at the tip of despair

When a ray of light came to me

You are a miracle to me

You came into my coldly shut heart, my love

This love is growing in my desert-like heart

The day I fell on my knees out of fear of the world

You embraced my coldly frozen life

And slowly melted it with your breath

Not even once in my life, it has never come to me

When I thought I would die, you helped me to sleep, my love

The warm words that made me live

A love that doesn’t suit me

A person who shouldn’t come to me

You are by my side like a miracle

 

I didn’t even know where to look anymore, where to keep my hands or how to sit. I was deeply touched, or hurt, by his words and I felt tears well up. He sat down next to me and wrapped his arm around me. I didn’t want him to, but emotionally I was too tired, too worn-out to fight it, so I just let him.

 

‘’Hyung, please forgive me and accept my flaws. I just love you so much,’’ he whispered. ‘’I have been very selfish these past few months and I was so wrong for being like that. After that call, I did some serious thinking, Yonghwa. I realized I was suffocating you and I was being very unreasonable. I kept second guessing you even though I had no reason for doing that. But it’s just because I am that crazy about you…’’

 

He stopped to make me look him in the eye. As he placed his hands on my cheeks, I could feel him warm my entire body. My body that has never reacted so strongly to someone as it does to him. I wish I wasn’t that weak when it came to him. I looked into his eyes and saw the same pain as I saw when I looked into my own. He removed his hands from my face and instead took a hold of both of my hands. Our fingers intertwined automatically.

 

‘’You took my hand and showed me the world. You taught me everything there was to teach about love. You’re a linger that can’t be fulfilled, even when I have you right here with me it’s not enough. You’re locked inside my head and I carry you around wherever I go, because we were destined to meet. You belong to me and I belong to you. How can we throw this away? We can’t throw this away, hyung. I’ll change. I’ll let you live again and you have to believe me when I promise you that things will change.’’

 

I looked into his eyes as I heard every word. And every word felt like a needle digging into my heart. He said everything that I wanted to hear but at the same time it was everything that I didn’t want to hear.

 

‘’Ya, what can I say to this?’’ I sighed, raising my shoulders. I really had no clue whatsoever. I felt the tears that had welled up in my eyes roll down my cheeks now.

 

‘’Don’t cry,’’ he whispered softly after he had wiped some tears away. He folded his arms around me and pulled me against his firm chest, which made me cry even harder. I wrapped my arms around him and hid my face in his neck. In the time after that call I had walled him off, brick by brick. I had locked my emotions away and I had camouflaged it all so well that I couldn’t even see it anymore, but he had just broke down my whole fortress in one go.

 

‘’Your burning tears weigh on me, hyung,’’ he went on, ‘’since you’ve met me, this stupid guy, I know you’ve had a very hard time. Your beautiful face changed a lot. But can you please forgive me for my heedlessness?’’

 

I pulled myself closer to him, completely forgetting about the world around us, and tried to comprehend his words.

 

‘’I forgive you,’’ I said at last. Of course I forgave him, I had to. We were tied together for the rest of our lives, but it’s not just because of that that I forgave him. ‘’When you’re gone, every part of my body misses you and longs for you. There’s no way I could ever leave you, Jong,’’ I sighed as I slowly pushed him away. I had found something in Jonghyun that I had never found in anyone else. I had found something in him that has turned my life around completely. Something that made me open up and tell him things about myself I had never told anyone else. Things that seemed insignificant with other people suddenly became invaluable memories that I kept safe in my heart. I opened my heart to him which made me vulnerable and he had sure found that vulnerability, but now I realized that that is the only way you can experience a love that is this pure and this true.

 

‘’Oh god, where is Spongy?’’ I exclaimed when I suddenly remembered why I had come here in the first place. I  got up and looked at the beach and much to my delight I could hear him bark. ‘’Spongy,’’ I yelled, ‘’come here!’’

 

‘’Your brother’s dog?’’ I heard Jonghyun ask behind me.

 

‘’Yeah,’’ I replied while I jumped off the cliff to get a hold of Spongy when I had spotted him. His wet and dirty paws stained my stark white blouse when I lifted him up.

 

‘’Hand him to me,’’ Jonghyun suddenly said when I was just about to climb up the cliff again. Realizing it was indeed going to be quite difficult, I handed him Spongy. I was a bit worried though, because I didn’t know how he would react to strangers.

 

‘’Be careful,’’ I warned Jonghyun, but luckily Spongy stayed calm. I climbed up the cliff, but as I watched Jonghyun put Spongy down, I noticed something.

 

‘’What is that on your arm, Jonghyun?’’

 

To be continued